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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to organise video calls with PILs

129 replies

Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 16:38

Just to preface this that I get on well with my PILs. They're lovely people and very caring towards my 3yo. However, MIL is having a slight moan that she never gets to speak to or see DC at the moment - they live in the north of England and we live in the south-east so obviously with Covid they haven't seen him since around October last year.

My parents are in the same situation (they also live around 4 hours drive away from us so we haven't seen them for months). I do, however, video call my mum either on Skype or Zoom once or twice every week so she can talk to DC and watch him play. At the weekends, we do some sort of activity together (painting, colouring in, cooking etc.) and I prop my tablet up so my mum can speak to DC while he's doing it. They chat and he gives her a running commentary on what he is doing. We find this works better than doing bedtime stories since DC is usually exhausted by bedtime and so doesn't really like having to chat to his granny then - he just wants to cuddle up with me. Having an activity to do means he actually stays in one place for the call rather than running off.

I've told my DH to organise some video calls between DC and his parents at the weekend, but DH can't be bothered. He isn't great at getting involved with activities for DC, although he'll take him to the park or playground quite happily, and his idea of looking after him in the house is turning the TV on. He does work hard during the week, so I don't give him too hard a time about this, but I also work 3-4 days a week and don't really want to have to sort out and supervise two sets of grandparent video calls at the weekend. Is it unreasonable of me to leave PIL contact with DS for DH to sort out? I should say that I already send them regular photos and videos of DS, so it's not like I ignore them.

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 10/03/2021 16:45

This is a difficult one as I would want my DC to have equal opportunity to talk to all grandparents. You do a lot for your parents. It is a DH problem .

Original poster
Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 16:58

I do want DC to have more interaction with his other grandparents. He has a great relationship with them despite only seeing them four times last year due to Covid. I just don't want to be the one organising it.

OP posts:
CuriousSeal · 10/03/2021 17:05

Not your problem OP. Direct MIL in DH's direction!

WaggishDancer · 10/03/2021 17:07

It depends. Is MIL asking you to help with more interaction with her grandchild because if so, I don’t see why you can’t just do a FaceTime with her. There isn’t any organising beyond finding a suitable time and calling her then. 🤷🏻‍♀️

YoniAndGuy · 10/03/2021 17:10

Turn this on its head. You want your DC to have more interaction with his other grandparents... it sounds like there's someone else who could do with having more interaction with his own son. Actual interaction, not being in the same room but on his phone/telly watching.

Do your son a far bigger favour than organising extra grandparent calls. REFUSE to organise extra grandparent calls, and tell your DH that this is on him - hopefully the result will be that your DS gets more quality time with both! He needs to step up and put in, not hours, but effort.

Holly60 · 10/03/2021 17:13

I do understand, however I also feel that your MIL would probably massively appreciate you making the same effort with her as you do with your own DM. It absolutely should not be just your responsibility to keep contact between your DC, however, it is not the fault of your MIL or DC and it feels a bit like they are being punished because your DH can’t be bothered. Hope this doesn’t sound harsh - it’s just how I would feel Smile

Original poster
Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 17:13

DC doesn't like sitting still and chatting. So I end up following him around the house trying to get him to engage. It's quite annoying and not really how I want to spend my weekend. Whereas if I set up some activity for him which keeps him in one place like cooking, he'll happily chat to them for ages while he's mixing ingredients or decorating cupcakes. But that takes effort on my part.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 10/03/2021 17:14

His dps. His responsibility.. Only so much wife work hours in a woman's day...

Original poster
Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 17:16

Turn this on its head. You want your DC to have more interaction with his other grandparents... it sounds like there's someone else who could do with having more interaction with his own son. Actual interaction, not being in the same room but on his phone/telly watching.

I agree and I've said this many times to DH. He's not completely hopeless but he likes interacting with DC on his own terms...so they'll play games like dominoes and snap together, he'll take him on walks, to the park to get ice cream and to play on the common near us. They'll build dens and climb trees. But he won't do pretend play or arts and crafts.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/03/2021 17:18

When I was a young mum my husband worked and i stayed at home with the children. I took mine visiting to both sets of GPs equally because I knew that my husband’s parents would be so sad if I hadn’t, and they were lovely people. I am so glad I did because my children grew up knowing both sets of grandparents. Also, FWIW my adult DS is BRILLIANT at making sure we are really involved with our DGC and I do wonder if this would have been the case if he hadn’t had such a lovely relationship with his own paternal grandparents.

Holly60 · 10/03/2021 17:21

The trouble is, it isn’t DP who is negatively affected, it’s his MIL and DC; neither of whom have done anything wrong

Holly60 · 10/03/2021 17:21

Not his MIL, sorry, his DM

LittleOwl153 · 10/03/2021 17:21

Could you suggest dh gets an appropriate board game and mil joins in... not sure about the right level for a 3yr old - but my 6yr old plays junior monopoly with grandma over zoom. She has her own dice and just tells him what to move! Kept him entertained for hours during home schooling!!

Holly60 · 10/03/2021 17:22

@Easterbunnygettingready

His dps. His responsibility.. Only so much wife work hours in a woman's day...
I meant to quote this for the above comment - it’s all going wrong today!!
Delphigirl · 10/03/2021 17:27

Why don’t you zoom it and get both sets of grandparents on the same call? No more effort for you but pleasure for your in laws as well as your parents.

Original poster
Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 17:27

@Holly60. They are lovely kind people. They live too far away for us to visit regularly, but we'd frequently stay with each other for holidays and long weekends pre-Covid and they've always been great at taking DC out to give us a break. And I've never begrudged or tried to limit their contact with DC. They're keen to have him to stay by himself and I've been clear that I'm totally in favour of that for when he's older (he's too little to be away from both of us for days and days right now).

Part of me feels that I should just make the effort. But there's so many other chores to do at the weekend. DH does some of them but not his fair share. Chasing DC round the house trying to get him to engage with PIL while DH is sat on the sofa with the TV remote just doesn't appeal.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/03/2021 17:36

I completely understand and I don’t think there is an easy answer. It does seem a bit much that your DH would sit there and let you do the work in a different room. Maybe you need to have a real chat with him?? Ask him how he would feel in 30 years time if your own DC did this to you. And of course he is setting an example for his son so it is possible! If that fails and you still feel uncomfortable, could you do it every other week and alternate with your own DM? I know it seems so unfair that it is falling to you but as I said, it’s also unfair that DMIL misses out because of your DH. I’m afraid I don’t know the answer

MoiJeJous · 10/03/2021 17:47

I completely understand your frustration with your DH, but maybe try to focus on what’s best for DC - which is getting to spend time with both sets of grandparents. Do have a word with your DH because it’s not fair, but in the meanwhile, focus on what that time means for both DH and his grandparents. I know it’s a bit OTT, but this year has shown me how fragile life can be, so don’t hold back on those moments that could enrich your DC and your in laws’ lives because those moments could mean everything.

Original poster
Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 17:52

I'm not complaining since we're in the same situation as many other people, but part of the issue is that we've had no family help or babysitters in for months and months now. A lot of the burden has fallen on me despite my best efforts to share it with DH and so I guess I'm grumpy about extra demands, however reasonable, being made on me.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 10/03/2021 17:52

Does your DH ever communicate with his parents himself?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 10/03/2021 17:55

The more work you do the less your lazy arsed husband will do, I understand your concerns, at least you are bothered, but put it this way, these are his parents that he cba with.

YoniAndGuy · 10/03/2021 17:57

@Holly60

The trouble is, it isn’t DP who is negatively affected, it’s his MIL and DC; neither of whom have done anything wrong
Yes that is a trouble.

It is a trouble for THE DH TO SORT.

YoniAndGuy · 10/03/2021 18:02

What I mean by that is - the solution to this is not to pick up the grandparent calls, on top of picking up EVERYTHING ELSE.

Because it doesn't solve what the real problem is, the problem that is 'negatively affecting' - OP, her son, and now the PIL.

That problem is a man sitting in the middle of everything not doing his share and not being part of the team.

His attitude is hurting all his relationships in different ways, and OP arranging for a way to hide yet another slice of crap isn't solving that problem, it's just helping it to grow.

Grow and grow and grow until he finds he has a wife who has fallen out of love with him. A son who doesn't have a close relationship with him because he's never built one. And parents who don't feel that he's ever really been the necessary linchpin who pulled their two families together.

Sad.

Don't make those calls OP. There's more at stake here than a zoom call, a LOT more.

Porridgeoat · 10/03/2021 18:04

This is not your problem to resolve.

EL8888 · 10/03/2021 18:06

Leave your DH to sort it. Avoid getting sucked into additional wife work. As others have said often the less someone wants to do, then the least they want to do