Not to organise video calls with PILs

[Minimumstandard]

Just to preface this that I get on well with my PILs. They're lovely people and very caring towards my 3yo. However, MIL is having a slight moan that she never gets to speak to or see DC at the moment - they live in the north of England and we live in the south-east so obviously with Covid they haven't seen him since around October last year.

My parents are in the same situation (they also live around 4 hours drive away from us so we haven't seen them for months). I do, however, video call my mum either on Skype or Zoom once or twice every week so she can talk to DC and watch him play. At the weekends, we do some sort of activity together (painting, colouring in, cooking etc.) and I prop my tablet up so my mum can speak to DC while he's doing it. They chat and he gives her a running commentary on what he is doing. We find this works better than doing bedtime stories since DC is usually exhausted by bedtime and so doesn't really like having to chat to his granny then - he just wants to cuddle up with me. Having an activity to do means he actually stays in one place for the call rather than running off.

I've told my DH to organise some video calls between DC and his parents at the weekend, but DH can't be bothered. He isn't great at getting involved with activities for DC, although he'll take him to the park or playground quite happily, and his idea of looking after him in the house is turning the TV on. He does work hard during the week, so I don't give him too hard a time about this, but I also work 3-4 days a week and don't really want to have to sort out and supervise two sets of grandparent video calls at the weekend. Is it unreasonable of me to leave PIL contact with DS for DH to sort out? I should say that I already send them regular photos and videos of DS, so it's not like I ignore them.

Your bigger problem here is having a DH who doesn't pull his weight, either with the children or the housework. Time to read him the riot act.

I hear all the problems.
Would it be possible and would it work to bring a second device into play and do both sets of GPS at once? So you've set up the meeting, the activity, and you've got one laptop/whatever zooming one set and another for the other set. Not perfect I know, but any good? And maybe make it a reasonably regular time so it's not re-inventing the wheel every week? I see my GDaughter on zoom same day most weeks, just takes away some of the hassle and thinking time.

Yanbu.
You've found a format that works so your h should copy what you do and incorporate video calls with doing stuff that dc and him enjoy. For example you mention dominoes and MIL could tell him which pieces to put down when it's her turn.
The more you do, the more you'll resent him and the lazier he'll get. It's Mother's Day this weekend. A video call would get him easy brownie points Your h needs to think long term too. Little kids are demanding but before you know it they become teens who only want their friends company and you need to cajole them into leaving their room.

YANBU, in our family DP sorts out any contact with his parents and our baby and I sort out my side, not because I don't like them but because it's a slippery slope and if I start getting involved it'll all suddenly be on me. As a result DP's parents have less involvement but I don't feel guilty for that, just because I'm the mother doesn't mean it's up to me to organise everything.

It's definitely not your responsibility and your resentment is understandable, but...
The people who suffer are your DS and his GP. Not your lazy DH

Have you had a frank conversation with him about this and the fact that he won't engage means that his parents and you DS miss out? What is his response?

You've listed a load of activities he does with DS. Can't he ring his parents whilst crafting/playing a game etc?

I don't understand why PPs are suggesting this is your problem to solve. If the PILs feel they are missing out then it's up to them to speak to their son. You are not the the fixer of all problems for the extended family. Suggesting you speak to your own mother less to accommodate your husband's laziness is just enabling in the extreme.

If his parents want contact they need to ask your husband 'their' son to arrange it. This shouldnt be additional wife work for you, yes its GP missing out, but the more women do on behalf of our partners, the less likely they will change.

Stay out of it. The more work you do, the less your DH will do.

It’s sad that PIL will miss out, but that’s your DH’s responsibility and a result of their relationship with their son.
It’s not your problem.

Generally women/mothers have enough problems of their own, don’t start volunteering yourself for your DH’s problems too.

His parents. His job. I don't do any keeping in touch for DH, screw that wifework.

My parents have never asked to see or talk to DC through lockdown so I am spared any admin on this. DH does his side.

However I'm slightly on the fence. How did MIL convey her dissatisfaction? Could that medium (land line calls?) be tweaked to include DC? If MIL's moaning can be harnessed into them setting up the call then I'd be inclined to go along with it. Basically let them organise it if they are so keen.

Have you thought about setting up a Teams/Zoom call so both sets of GP can be involved at the same time?

It should be him sorting it, but it sounds like they would really appreciate it, it would get you brownie points to do it. Might be worth your while.

Thank for all your comments, I can’t respond individually but will try to answer the main points.

Could you suggest dh gets an appropriate board game and mil joins in... not sure about the right level for a 3yr old - but my 6yr old plays junior monopoly with grandma over zoom.

This is a good idea. I will suggest this.

Why don’t you zoom it and get both sets of grandparents on the same call? No more effort for you but pleasure for your in laws as well as your parents.

DH’s parents are quite full-on with DC (in the nicest possible way). Having both of them and my parents on the call all trying to engage with him might be a bit overwhelming. Also, I manage a lot of Zoom meetings during the week as part of my job and having to engage everyone and make sure everyone is heard is a bit of nightmare - I just don't think I can cope with it at the weekend as well. Not sure I can say to MIL to please put her (virtual) hand up and I’ll invite her to speak . With my parents, it’s usually just my mother and my father wanders in and out occasionally so it’s more manageable.

That problem is a man sitting in the middle of everything not doing his share and not being part of the team.

There is a bit of this. It’s not so much that DH doesn’t help, but that he always takes the easy option. So if I ask him to cook lunch or dinner for DC, he’ll give him pizza, chicken nuggets, baked beans or sandwiches, i.e. the easy meal options. That leaves me to cook a proper meal with vegetables the rest of the time. If it’s his turn to look after him, he’ll let him watch TV so then I have to do reading and activities the rest of the time. If he takes DC to the park, he’ll buy him an ice-cream or a treat which then limits me in what I can give him the rest of the time. So he’ll do what he’s asked to do but it still feels like I’m left with most of the work.

How did MIL convey her dissatisfaction? Could that medium (land line calls?) be tweaked to include DC?

DH actually has quite a close relationship with his parents. He usually calls them at least once at week at the weekend in the evening. Since I get on well with them as well, we often put the call on speaker and I have a chat with MIL. DH used to phone just as DC was going to bed and hand DC the phone so he could have a chat with his grandparents. Unfortunately, with our DC tiredness comes through as naughtiness so DC was generally very poorly behaved on these calls – he’d say hello to his grandparents but then he’d get bored and put the phone down the side of his bed. Or he’d snatch the phone and run around the house with it squealing while DH chased him. It used to take ages to calm him down so he’d go to sleep after these calls. Eventually DH started phoning after DC was in bed. I was talking to MIL on one of these calls last week about what we’d been doing that morning and that’s when she said she’d like to see more of DC.

Not your bloody problem. Let DH sort out his side of the family and you see to yours.

(Yeah, touched a nerve! I refuse to do any such wifework.)

OP I can't remember where I heard this (on MN maybe!} but it sounds like your dh is stealing your slack. Which means he's doing all the bits where the parenting is easier but that can't be done all the time (eg watching TV), leaving all the harder bits to you.

Right so that sounds very tweakable into DH and MiL changing the time they call. Point this out to them both and leave them to it.

Honestly, this is up to your dh. He sounds like he needs to step up generally.

What I started doing is call the in-laws on Skype then hand over the device to my oh and send the 4 year old in with a book. She's so excited and I then leave them to it so grandma can read to her. Sometimes the call is a few minutes long sometimes it's just a hi and bye cos DD runs off but that's up to them.
You need to do similar.

I should say I only did this a few times then started reminding DD that it's time to call grandma and she pesters oh so now he's got into the habit of calling once a week.

I think the only way to change these things is to simply take the line that it is DHs responsibility - no discussion, no nudging and asking him if he's done it, just assuming he has. When MIL mentions it you get him on the phone or you just agree with her that it's a shame and subtly suggest she speaks to him about it. There are ways of doing this without you feeling like you are letting them down.

Remember this is your DH's parents, why is it your job to sort out all family interaction with DC?

I have a similar situation. We both work and equally contribute to the house in other ways. I find videos calls with my DM hard work to manage but I do it anyway and deliberately schedule them not to pull DH into having to work on them too. He finds the calls hard work too but his response is not to bother - I don't see why that makes arranging them with the ILs my problem.

This is a vicious circle.

Question: Why do we find it's not often the men who facilitate wider family get togethers, buy the cards, remember the birthdays, arrange visits/meals with grandparents, set up the facetime calls with Grand Parents?

Answer: because it was always their own mothers who they saw doing it all and assume it's wife work.

Have you tried Caribu? Am in the process of setting up with my PIL, looks as if they do games (which may appeal to your DH) as well as books? Get DH to sort the registration and play around with the app though - not your job to sort!

YANBU! I have pretty much exactly the same set up as you- not close to either side geographically speaking. I facetime my family several times a week, DH literally goes weeks or months without contacting his family. I went through a phase of setting up catch ups with the in-laws for the sake of our 3 year old having equal access, but I came to realise that DH and his parents are perfectly capable of seeking more contact if they wish, they just choose not to. The result is that our son actively asks to speak to my parents and runs away when my in-laws are on the phone. This isn't your responsibility to sort OP x

No YANBU. I do not facilitate calls etc with the in-laws that’s my husbands job. I also don’t facilitate any presents or birthday cards.