Not to organise video calls with PILs

[Minimumstandard]

Just to preface this that I get on well with my PILs. They're lovely people and very caring towards my 3yo. However, MIL is having a slight moan that she never gets to speak to or see DC at the moment - they live in the north of England and we live in the south-east so obviously with Covid they haven't seen him since around October last year.

My parents are in the same situation (they also live around 4 hours drive away from us so we haven't seen them for months). I do, however, video call my mum either on Skype or Zoom once or twice every week so she can talk to DC and watch him play. At the weekends, we do some sort of activity together (painting, colouring in, cooking etc.) and I prop my tablet up so my mum can speak to DC while he's doing it. They chat and he gives her a running commentary on what he is doing. We find this works better than doing bedtime stories since DC is usually exhausted by bedtime and so doesn't really like having to chat to his granny then - he just wants to cuddle up with me. Having an activity to do means he actually stays in one place for the call rather than running off.

I've told my DH to organise some video calls between DC and his parents at the weekend, but DH can't be bothered. He isn't great at getting involved with activities for DC, although he'll take him to the park or playground quite happily, and his idea of looking after him in the house is turning the TV on. He does work hard during the week, so I don't give him too hard a time about this, but I also work 3-4 days a week and don't really want to have to sort out and supervise two sets of grandparent video calls at the weekend. Is it unreasonable of me to leave PIL contact with DS for DH to sort out? I should say that I already send them regular photos and videos of DS, so it's not like I ignore them.

I would just keep doing what you are doing. If mil asks say that it's up to dh. No way would I do it. I have cut back on visits and calls to needy mil who is nice but I felt burdened with all the emotional stuff when she told dh everything was great. So fuck that. Now dh calls daily and I think he heard all the niggles and moans. Only fair.

Hears

@Minimumstandard

Turn this on its head. You want your DC to have more interaction with his other grandparents... it sounds like there's someone else who could do with having more interaction with his own son. Actual interaction, not being in the same room but on his phone/telly watching.

I agree and I've said this many times to DH. He's not completely hopeless but he likes interacting with DC on his own terms...so they'll play games like dominoes and snap together, he'll take him on walks, to the park to get ice cream and to play on the common near us. They'll build dens and climb trees. But he won't do pretend play or arts and crafts.

Your husband has received a lot of criticism but I think his way of parenting is reasonable, not everyone likes pretend play or crafts.

The issue with your mil is a separate issue, let him sort it. Maybe he’s not bothered about the relationship.

You’ve put far too much thought in to this, as PPs have said, it’s your husbands issue. Is he wringing his hands over it? Or the fact that he won’t provide nutritional food to his kids? Nah? Don’t take on the work of his carelessness. If he’s fretting over his kids relationship with your parents, and doing equal parenting, it’d be different. Don’t accept this as your job, it’s your husbands to figure out.

One day you will be the MIL. What would you want? While of course it should be your dh stepping up, is it fair to never offer the other set of grandparents the same? Maybe alternate weeks with your parents?

Don’t take the time from your parents because your DH can’t be bothered, or put yourself in the position of organising a difficult multi grandparent call. I have the same problem and will actively remind/suggest that DH calls his parents with our DD, but I won’t do it for him. I am tired, I do enough wife work, following her around with my phone is annoying. And I hope when I’m the MIL my kids will have seen both their parents make an effort...

When mil says that I’d just say I know, I’ve told dh this. You should keep pushing him not to be so lazy about it.

Then to dh I’d blow up and say when our dc had children I wasn’t inviting him to the Skype calls, he can organise his own grandparent relationship since he can’t be arsed for our children. Your parents are missing out , our child si missing out and you could fix those both at once but you don’t care. I’m not your mum and I’m not your parents daughter and I’m not fixing it for you.

Also, my dh facetimes his mum while bathing the dc. Does your dh bath them? If not, what a great job for him to take over!

Not really the point, I appreciate, but I’m glad it’s not just me who finds facilitating small children/ grandparent FaceTime calls hard work!

OP, I agree that it is your husband’s responsibility to arrange calls with his family. It sounds as though he has plenty of time to fit them in but just can’t be bothered, and it is not up to you to pick up the slack, especially when you both work and you are already doing more of the house stuff/childcare/chores etc.

This is definitely your husband's problem to solve, but, if your parents and inlaws get on, is there scope to add your in-laws to the same zoom call occasionally? No extra effort on your part required. You shouldn't have to though.

Your husbands problem to solve.

As someone pointed out, you’ll be the MIL one day - make sure you provide a good example to your children by not taking on even more wife work!

You have a DH problem. That's what you need to sort.

I agree that its up to DH to sort calls out with his parents, but I also think that in order to keep contact with booth sets of parents, including them all in the activity call that you set up with your own DM would be a nice thing to do. As a grandma, I love seeing my grandchildren, the eldest is 2 1/2. Sometimes we have a FaceTime call, but mainly its little videos I get sent a few times a week. These are very precious to me as I can watch them any time I feel like. I know my DD sends these to all sets of grandparents. My SIL is very hands on with his children, as many of the videos have shown!!

Maybe try one time, once you've set up the cooking or crafts and your DS has chatted to your mum for a bit, but he's still busy with the activity, finishing the call, and asking DH if he'll take over for you, and get MIL on the FT. Then you can have a bit of 'you time' (read a book, chill out, and he can take over the activity and they both chat to MIL, so hopefully win win? It's not everyone's strength to set up craft type stuff and do FT calls (neither of those things are my strength, I also always much preferred to take them out when they were little), so if you can set it up a bit and then take the you-time you get out of it as a bonus for doing that?

I feel sorry for your Mil; she is missing contact with her grandchild.
Why not set up a three way zoom call when you do your cake icing/painting or whatever? I doubt either grandma minds if it’s not a perfect event, they just want to see your child, who they love, and why would you deny them that ? You and your DC benefit from the love and interest of your Mil; show your DH what a good relationship looks like.

Absolutely agree it’s not on you to facilitate this. My husband ensures his parents See our kids (virtually at the moment) and I make sure my parents see them. When I was on maternity leave I did arrange to see them directly but that’s because I wanted to see them when my husband wasn’t around. If he’s sitting watching TV then he can get his kids on a zoom call! And if it doesn’t happen then it’s not your fault!

Also, reading the thread about ‘ the difference that grandparents might make’ might give a different perspective.

I have the same issue. My parents interact with my two, but they are 10 and 12 so can FaceTime themselves. My PILs rarely phone, my DH rarely phones them. So my two barely speak to DH parents. Not my problem.

As a close relationship with his grandparents will benefit your DS I would be arranging the calls myself. (It's not DH missing out here)

It's a pity your DH is so shit in this regard but really, the only loser here is your DS (and PIL's).

Your H sounds like a bit of a dick. Set up a FaceTime with your MIL and your H and make it very clear to them both that this is their issue and not yours. If her son can’t be bothered to prioritise contact between her grandchild and her, than they both need acknowledge that and not make you their scapegoat.

Op you do realise that both you and your MIL are subscribers to the Wife Work bullshit by giving a grown arse man a free pass. You, by taking up his slack and she by complaining to you and not him.

Is it really so hard to include her? I worry about being a mother in law, though thankfully my own son values, respects and loves his parents and I feel find a partner with similar values.

@customwatkins

As a close relationship with his grandparents will benefit your DS I would be arranging the calls myself. (It's not DH missing out here)

It's a pity your DH is so shit in this regard but really, the only loser here is your DS (and PIL's).

Don't let this kind of baseless malarky guilt you into organising these calls. DS will be completely fine if he has less contact with PILs. Reading between the lines, they sound full on and a lot of work.

‘They sound full on and hard work’!!!
Really? Where did you extrapolate that from?

There isn't any loss of a relationship. Just a hiatus in developing a deeper one.

Honestly, I would not be faffing around trying to solve a problem that could a) be solved by the right person if they gave a fuck, b) will hopefully be temporary and c) is largely fuelled by my own guilt.

But then as you can probably tell, I don't really go in for imaginary standards of fair that result in me doing extra work.

This is a non issue, video call your PIL and be kind, you say you have a good relationship with them so I can’t see the issue.