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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to organise video calls with PILs

129 replies

Minimumstandard · 10/03/2021 16:38

Just to preface this that I get on well with my PILs. They're lovely people and very caring towards my 3yo. However, MIL is having a slight moan that she never gets to speak to or see DC at the moment - they live in the north of England and we live in the south-east so obviously with Covid they haven't seen him since around October last year.

My parents are in the same situation (they also live around 4 hours drive away from us so we haven't seen them for months). I do, however, video call my mum either on Skype or Zoom once or twice every week so she can talk to DC and watch him play. At the weekends, we do some sort of activity together (painting, colouring in, cooking etc.) and I prop my tablet up so my mum can speak to DC while he's doing it. They chat and he gives her a running commentary on what he is doing. We find this works better than doing bedtime stories since DC is usually exhausted by bedtime and so doesn't really like having to chat to his granny then - he just wants to cuddle up with me. Having an activity to do means he actually stays in one place for the call rather than running off.

I've told my DH to organise some video calls between DC and his parents at the weekend, but DH can't be bothered. He isn't great at getting involved with activities for DC, although he'll take him to the park or playground quite happily, and his idea of looking after him in the house is turning the TV on. He does work hard during the week, so I don't give him too hard a time about this, but I also work 3-4 days a week and don't really want to have to sort out and supervise two sets of grandparent video calls at the weekend. Is it unreasonable of me to leave PIL contact with DS for DH to sort out? I should say that I already send them regular photos and videos of DS, so it's not like I ignore them.

OP posts:

DarcyLewis · 11/03/2021 08:22

@HOkieCOkie

This is a non issue, video call your PIL and be kind, you say you have a good relationship with them so I can’t see the issue.

Absolutely a non-issue, the DH can be kind and call his parents.

WeAreJackieWeaver · 11/03/2021 08:23

It's a pity your DH is so shit in this regard but really, the only loser here is your DS (and PIL's).

I disagree. The OP is the main loser here. If she continues covering her DH’s share of the work then she’s losing part of her life whilst he’s sat on his arse doing nothing and not caring that his children don’t see his parents.

OP when my children was small I found I was doing all the emotional labour in the household, it nearly broke me so I stopped. Any cards, presents, phone calls, facilitation of any kind to do with DH’s side of the family is now up to him. I do enough for my own family, I’m not taking up the labour for a grown man.
I now have space in my head to think about me and after work/parenting I have time for me. My stress levels are much lower now.
Be kind to yourself and draw some clear lines of responsibility.

MindyStClaire · 11/03/2021 08:23

YANBU. We're in the same boat, small DC, grandparents not nearby, video calls a pain especially at bedtime. We each call our parents once or twice a week, and the other uses that time to cook dinner or do a bit of tidying. The video call is definitely the tougher shift.

I would in no way be facilitating a joint call with both sides. All lovely and get on well, but also all technophobes and PIL just generally louder and more outgoing so my mum would get sidelined. Just wouldn't work.

Have you ever spoken to him about how he takes the easy jobs?

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 08:26

Don’t take this on, it will become expected and it’s YOU mil will be annoyed if you don’t do it one weekend.

MIL is perfectly capable of making her needs known to her son. She needs to make the ‘moan’ to her son, not you.

Washimal · 11/03/2021 08:28

One day you will be the MIL. What would you want? While of course it should be your dh stepping up, is it fair to never offer the other set of grandparents the same? Maybe alternate weeks with your parents?

Perhaps when OP is an MIL she will have an honest conversation with her adult son if there's an issue in their relationship rather than expecting his wife to fix everything.

Why should she OP guilty for her DH's failings and the subsequent impact on his parents when he clearly doesn't? Why is it her responsibility and hers alone to make everything fair and equitable between the two sets of GP's? To suggest that OP not only take on that responsibility but that she and her DS should also spend less time with her own Parents as a result is completely unfair.

AIMD · 11/03/2021 08:29

I feel so much of what you say. My husband also does the things he likes rather than a fair share of all the kid stuff. In the one that ends up playing barbies (I hate it) while he plays the pokemon board game or computer games (which we all enjoy). I did the painting (messy and hard work) and he’d do film time!
It’s frustrating and does lead to bad feeling in the relationship....at least it does for me.

I feel like that’s the underlying issue that needs addressing rather than the specific issue of who makes the call.

I think if you have it in you to arrange a video call, even if it’s a short call then do it for your Child. However if it’s too much given all else you do then leave it....it’s not your responsibility to manage every relationship your child has, you’re doing enough already....sometimes something have to slip.

Naunet · 11/03/2021 08:29

This is a non issue, video call your PIL and be kind, you say you have a good relationship with them so I can’t see the issue.

Then why can’t HE do it? Why can’t he “be kind”?
If women keep facilitating this crap, men will never do it.

Washimal · 11/03/2021 08:29

Sorry about typos. But I think you get the gist.

Pickupapigeon · 11/03/2021 08:29

That’s your DH’s responsibility. My DH FaceTimes the in laws every weekend while I have a cup of tea and downtime. If my PIL started complaining that wasn’t enough I’d be directing them straight back to him.

Naunet · 11/03/2021 08:30

One day you will be the MIL. What would you want?
To have raised my son to be a responsible adult who thinks of others and doesn’t expect his wife to do this stuff for him.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 08:30

@AIMD put your foot down, next time tell him he’s playing barbies and you’re getting film time!

Original poster

Minimumstandard · 11/03/2021 08:43

To the pp who said this, they are a bit full-on but in a lovely way . They love having fun and making a party about everything. They're very generous... they've always given me very thoughtful presents (I try to return the favour) and, pre-baby, they'd take us out to lovely restaurants. Now when we visit, they babysit so we can go out (after a couple of disastrous attempts at taking toddler DS out with us all). FIL is equally engaged as MIL (unlike with my parents, where my DM does most of the work) and he'll do nappy changing (though just about past that stage, thank goodness!), bathtime, bedtime stories and meals for my DS and then just present him to me to kiss him goodnight before bed. FIL is actually a bit critical of DH, who he thinks needs to be more involved.

But... I'm just a bit tasked out atm. Maybe others are better at it than me but I find managing video calls with toddlers a complete PITA. It's not a question of just ringing them and then letting grandparents entertain him. My DS doesn't like sitting still and is always on the move, so he'll wander in and out of the picture or put the tablet face down on the table if he's had enough. Or it might get dropped on the floor. And if he's doing an activity like painting, he's quite likely to paint the screen by accident. So I do have to be quite involved to make sure it's positive for everyone.

OP posts:

Knitterbabe · 11/03/2021 08:45

I hope I never get one of you harpies as my daughter in law.

Knitterbabe · 11/03/2021 08:50

Some of my friends who have young grandchildren have installed a device? Software? Which allows them to watch and talk to grandchildren through the tv. So children can roam around the room and chat, show grandma things etc. Would this help?

EL8888 · 11/03/2021 09:09

@Knitterbabe don’t worry, l don’t think many here would want you as a MIL. As you appear to think women are “harpies” for not doing yours and your sons bidding 24/7. The OP is doing more than enough by the sound of things and her husband needs to step up. Rather than delegating yet more tasks to her and cherry picking the easier / more palatable side of parenthood for himself

Magicbabywaves · 11/03/2021 09:10

EL8888

timeisnotaline · 11/03/2021 09:23

@Knitterbabe

I hope I never get one of you harpies as my daughter in law.

You can train your son up to take responsibility for his own life instead of offloading it onto the woman in his life and then you won’t even have to worry about what kind of daughter in law you get

Knitterbabe · 11/03/2021 09:47

My comment was not aimed at the OP, who clearly has a good relationship with her inlaws and values them. It was aimed at the ‘ditch them, they are hard work’ type of responders.
And thank you, my son is a delightful caring young man who not only values his family but has an equal partnership with his girlfriend.

OlmostOlwyn · 11/03/2021 10:10

What sort of play would he do? My 3 year old really likes "playing" with my mum over zoom. She gets out the Playmobil they have at home and he gives her instructions on what do make them do. She also downloaded the Kindle PC reader then shares her screen and reads stories with him. Would your DS sit for a couple of stories (with DH!) in the morning/afternoon? We also sometimes have my mum on chat when we're eating and she does the stories then.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 12:57

@Knitterbabe I suspect we’ll be seeing threads from your son’s wife about her MIL one day...

jamthencreamyoufool · 11/03/2021 13:07

He's not completely hopeless but he likes interacting with DC on his own terms...so they'll play games like dominoes and snap together, he'll take him on walks, to the park to get ice cream and to play on the common near us. They'll build dens and climb trees. But he won't do pretend play or arts and crafts

I don't see a problem. He doesn't have to parent the way you do to be a good parent. Sounds like he's doing just fine.

If he can't be bothered to skype his parents with his child that's up to him.

MangoBiscuit · 11/03/2021 13:50

OP, I totally get it. Your ILs sound lovely, but having YET ANOTHER task to do doesn't feel fair. I think in your shoes I would encourage the first video call, then hand it off to DH. Set a time, for them and your DH, plonk a jigsaw and some dominoes on the table, get everyone online, then hand over to DH and go do something else. A walk by myself, or getting the food shop done.

Holly60 · 11/03/2021 13:51

[quote EL8888]@Knitterbabe don’t worry, l don’t think many here would want you as a MIL. As you appear to think women are “harpies” for not doing yours and your sons bidding 24/7. The OP is doing more than enough by the sound of things and her husband needs to step up. Rather than delegating yet more tasks to her and cherry picking the easier / more palatable side of parenthood for himself[/quote]
But the OP has pointed out that when they can, her ILs do as much as they possibly can to make sure they are looking after HER. They don’t ignore her and only look after her DH, so why would it be so terrible for her to go out of her way for them also. She also has a relationship with them and presumably cares about them. I’m not saying she has to do all the leg work, but suggesting that her ILs have absolutely nothing to do with her is a bit disingenuous IMO.

mainsfed · 11/03/2021 13:52

@Holly60 because it’s hard for OP and it’s not her responsibility. Why would you seek to make things harder for OP?

Holly60 · 11/03/2021 13:54

@Minimumstandard

To the pp who said this, they are a bit full-on but in a lovely way

. They love having fun and making a party about everything. They're very generous... they've always given me very thoughtful presents (I try to return the favour) and, pre-baby, they'd take us out to lovely restaurants. Now when we visit, they babysit so we can go out (after a couple of disastrous attempts at taking toddler DS out with us all). FIL is equally engaged as MIL (unlike with my parents, where my DM does most of the work) and he'll do nappy changing (though just about past that stage, thank goodness!), bathtime, bedtime stories and meals for my DS and then just present him to me to kiss him goodnight before bed. FIL is actually a bit critical of DH, who he thinks needs to be more involved.

Would your in-laws really mind if you just gave DC your phone? My DC quite regularly do this and I end up looking up a small nostril for 10 minutes or being left on the sofa whilst they look for a toy. But I really don’t care, if I get to hear a little from them or have a 1 minute chat I’m happy. It’s the effort that counts too and I appreciate that my DCs and DDIL/DSIL think to phone me

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