Not to organise video calls with PILs

[Minimumstandard]

Just to preface this that I get on well with my PILs. They're lovely people and very caring towards my 3yo. However, MIL is having a slight moan that she never gets to speak to or see DC at the moment - they live in the north of England and we live in the south-east so obviously with Covid they haven't seen him since around October last year.

My parents are in the same situation (they also live around 4 hours drive away from us so we haven't seen them for months). I do, however, video call my mum either on Skype or Zoom once or twice every week so she can talk to DC and watch him play. At the weekends, we do some sort of activity together (painting, colouring in, cooking etc.) and I prop my tablet up so my mum can speak to DC while he's doing it. They chat and he gives her a running commentary on what he is doing. We find this works better than doing bedtime stories since DC is usually exhausted by bedtime and so doesn't really like having to chat to his granny then - he just wants to cuddle up with me. Having an activity to do means he actually stays in one place for the call rather than running off.

I've told my DH to organise some video calls between DC and his parents at the weekend, but DH can't be bothered. He isn't great at getting involved with activities for DC, although he'll take him to the park or playground quite happily, and his idea of looking after him in the house is turning the TV on. He does work hard during the week, so I don't give him too hard a time about this, but I also work 3-4 days a week and don't really want to have to sort out and supervise two sets of grandparent video calls at the weekend. Is it unreasonable of me to leave PIL contact with DS for DH to sort out? I should say that I already send them regular photos and videos of DS, so it's not like I ignore them.

Poor pils, as usual the parents of the dh miss out.
Yes, it's his responsibility, but I couldn't sit back and allow this to happen tbh.
As long as you are honest with the kids, that neither of you could be bothered.

I meant my DCs do this with my DGC if it wasn’t clear!

How about you organise a call every 2 weeks or so and you dump responsibility for something none negotiable (eg laundry) on your dh, to give you more time?

Also, I do find it funny that people get very up in arms about DILs having to do the leg work but I see very few outraged posts complaining about DSILs. ‘My daughter made her DH ring my DH to find out how the patio is going and I’m OUTRAGED!!’

[quote mainsfed]@Holly60 because it’s hard for OP and it’s not her responsibility. Why would you seek to make things harder for OP?[/quote]
I’m really not looking to make things harder - I’ve made some suggestions in my PPs to try to make things easier. It’s actually not anyone’s responsibility; it doesn’t have to happen at all. However, if we all thought like that then familial relationships would just not exist. They obviously go out of their way for her, even though it’s not their ‘responsibility’, so I am just trying to help find ways that mean that no one is hurt or upset. Obviously the ideal solution would be her DH took over - I am not denying that!

In my above post regarding my SIL’s call about the patio that is a real life example. I know I was being facetious but in actual fact when we were having it done my SIL did used to phone my DH, ask him how it was going, pop over to see the work and help out when he could. I’m sure my DD gave him a nudge, and I’m very thankful he was happy to do it rather than saying no because it wasn’t his ‘responsibility’

Poor pils, as usual the parents of the dh miss out.Yes, it's his responsibility, but I couldn't sit back and allow this to happen tbh

So your answer is for the woman to pick up the slack for a husband that can't be bothered? Nice

My husband and I have been married a long time and when I look back I realise that in a marriage sometimes it’s not about sharing each task perfectly equally, but about each partner playing to their strengths in order to contribute to a joint venture together. So yes, when my husband was working and I was a mum to young children, I picked up a lot of the slack with regard to grandparents, and even (shock horror) bought presents and cards for my lovely ILs. I basically treated each set of GPS the same, because they were both lovely and both loved us. However, when my mum needed to go into a nursing home many years later, my DH sorted out all the finances etc and I didn’t even need to think about it. I absolutely agree that you can’t have one partner just coasting, but it isn’t always as clear cut as always doing exactly half of whatever task needs doing at one time, IYSWIM

It also hugely helped that my ILs were kind, warm, and generous people who I liked just for themselves regardless of their relationship to my DH. Might have been a different story if not!

Hi, thanks – lots of different views and things to think about.

when they can, her ILs do as much as they possibly can to make sure they are looking after HER. They don’t ignore her and only look after her DH, so why would it be so terrible for her to go out of her way for them also

This is why I feel that maybe I should just do it. They are great and I intend to shamelessly take advantage of that in future. They’ve already talked about helping out with half terms and that sort of thing. So I feel that, as involved grandparents despite the distance, they’re “owed” video calls but, out of the two of us, DH should be the one to deliver. I will probably end up sorting something out if he doesn’t, though.

As long as you are honest with the kids, that neither of you could be bothered.

You have a point but just to be clear that this is a short-term situation (we hope)! Pre-Covid, we saw PIL at least once every couple of months for 3-4 days minimum (either them staying with us or us staying with them or all of us going away together). We’re already talking about a joint holiday in the summer if the rules permit.

I would in no way be facilitating a joint call with both sides. All lovely and get on well, but also all technophobes and PIL just generally louder and more outgoing so my mum would get sidelined.

This would happen with us too. Someone would be unable to connect, we’d be in the middle of cooking or painting or something and I’d be the one having to sort it out.

Rather than delegating yet more tasks to her and cherry picking the easier / more palatable side of parenthood for himself

DH isn’t a bad parent and in many ways he’s a good one. He and DC have a great relationship and, despite him working long hours, they do spend a lot of time together at the weekends. DH takes him out one afternoon a weekend while I catch up on work (we both have work to do at weekends for our jobs). It’s just that I always seem to be the one organising this (alongside everything else) – I get asked where DC’s coat is, are his wellies dry, should we take a snack, where’s his water flask? Every time I try to delegate a task, I have to answer 100 questions that I’m sure I’ve answered before.

@Devlesko

Poor pils, as usual the parents of the dh miss out. Yes, it's his responsibility, but I couldn't sit back and allow this to happen tbh. As long as you are honest with the kids, that neither of you could be bothered.

Don't be ridiculous, why should she take responsibility for her husband's laziness?

i am older. I see many of my friends husbands stepping up to do practical tasks to help elderly in laws. My husband cheerfully mows lawns and helps with DIY issues at their house. He has never been particularly chatty but he is practical. I am grateful for his support with my family. I made a big effort with his parents for many years before they died.
I know one woman who refused to engage with her PILs because they were not her family. Her husband remembered her lack of concern when his FIL died and his wife's mother was alone.They were not a team. You reap what you sow. Stick by your decisions and refuse to get involved. You may or may not regret your lack of effort.

I think this is a total non problem. You already send pictures and videos and lockdown is (hopefully) nearly over. Your DH does sound lazy about maintaining relationships. So is mine, but video calls are hardly hard work so he does them! But just because DMIL expressed her feelings on this once doesn't mean you have to do something. Especially given your work - completely understand why you get enough of the "mute please" nonsense during the week.

@Devlesko

Poor pils, as usual the parents of the dh miss out. Yes, it's his responsibility, but I couldn't sit back and allow this to happen tbh. As long as you are honest with the kids, that neither of you could be bothered.

Some parents clearly need to put more effort into raising their sons properly and maintaining a relationship with them. If DHs can’t be bothered with their parents then you have to ask yourself why.

OP, I’m hearing that you don’t have the capacity or desire to facilitate extra zooms between DC and PILs. That’s fine.

If you have the time and desire to do this then crack on. You sound worn out though and fed up with doing all the hard parts of parenting. Another task is the last thing you need. If you want to, mention it one more time to DH and then leave it. If your ILs ask about seeing DC just point them towards DH.

These are DP’s parents so let him get on with it.

I'm usually the first to say it's the man's responsibility and why should the woman always organise these things.
But, it's the kids that suffer, and that's the shame.
I never did it either, but would pull dh up if he forgot.
But if the men really won't do it, then the poor woman has to decide.

@Devlesko

I'm usually the first to say it's the man's responsibility and why should the woman always organise these things. But, it's the kids that suffer, and that's the shame. I never did it either, but would pull dh up if he forgot. But if the men really won't do it, then the poor woman has to decide.

Kids aren’t going to suffer from not doing video calls with their grandparents

This child already has one set of involved grandparents, less of a relationship with the other set won’t do any harm.

If your DH contacts his folks at the weekend, why can't that be a facetime call and he can bring his child(ren) in on the call at the same time, whatever they are up to. If the PiL phone your DH and he puts the call on speaker, why can't they make a zoom call or facetime instead of making a voice only call?
Both are workable solutions and neither have to involve you in organising them.
Time to put the ball firmly back in DH's and PiL court.

I completely understand what you are saying ! My laws live overseas and Have not seen their only grand child (my DD) for almost 18 months!

If it was left to my DH they would very rarely have interaction with DD.

I find it tiresome -DD is four, and sometimes just not in the mood for a long chat ! I had the same idea as you doing activities, but their internet is poor dang quite often there is w lag and we are both repeating ourselves, which is frustrating !

I have no answers for you but I completely understand the monotony of trying to engage an uninterested child in a face time time chat.

DD enjoyed it more over fb messenger with the filters and games, but PIL put a stop to chatting over that and requested WhatsApp video chat so DD wasn't distracted 😆

There is a bit of this. It’s not so much that DH doesn’t help, but that he always takes the easy option. So if I ask him to cook lunch or dinner for DC, he’ll give him pizza, chicken nuggets, baked beans or sandwiches, i.e. the easy meal options. That leaves me to cook a proper meal with vegetables the rest of the time. If it’s his turn to look after him, he’ll let him watch TV so then I have to do reading and activities the rest of the time. If he takes DC to the park, he’ll buy him an ice-cream or a treat which then limits me in what I can give him the rest of the time. So he’ll do what he’s asked to do but it still feels like I’m left with most of the work.
This crap is banned in my house. I won’t be the only one responsible for healthy meals so I never actually get to take an easy option because dh has used up all the easy options. We could be shitty parents who feed them take away and freezer food all the time- not interested, and if you are then we are not compatible. You could be a shitty dad and husband taking no responsibility for a healthy lifestyle for our children, which means we are not compatible, or we could both parent.
Ditto just taking them to the park- they love it, it’s fun, no one ever got the washing done and house tidy by hanging around at the park.

I agree with @DarcyLewis.

I'd commented earlier on in the thread about how I'm in a very similar position, and I also wanted to add that it's equal responsibility of your DH and his parents to seek contact. There is nothing to stop your in-laws from picking up the phone themselves, likewise your DH. My in-laws will occasionally say how much they miss us and wish we lived closer, but equally they never call or enquire about us/the DCs. It's always me sending them pics and asking after them. My parents on the other hand make a genuine and consistent effort to interact with their grandchildren, so despite the distance applying to them too our DCs have a really close relationship with them. So I'd say not only is it not your responsibility OP but your in-laws have just as much potential to instigate more contact as your DH does with them, they're both choosing not to act on this so I'd accept their behaviour as a sign they're ok with not being as close.

@Knitterbabe

My comment was not aimed at the OP, who clearly has a good relationship with her inlaws and values them. It was aimed at the ‘ditch them, they are hard work’ type of responders. And thank you, my son is a delightful caring young man who not only values his family but has an equal partnership with his girlfriend.

And yet, you're basically telling OP to suck it up and do the facilitating, completely ignoring that OP just doesn't have the time. While also ignoring that her DH is not pulling his weight.

People are correct in saying the DH needs to be the one facilitating calls with ILs. Because that's the fair thing to do.

Just a reminder that it is Mothering Sunday at the weekend (so it would be a nice time to try a trial call with the in-laws).

Sadly I think you should attempt to arrange it this time.

DH and his sister Skype their parents at the same time every weekend. It is super dull, but it becomes easy to arrange life around something that is always at the same time.

You could probably make DH set an alert on the phone to remind home each week (or the parents pick up a telephone to remind him to get online).

Good luck

Completely understand that you do a lot, but if DH won’t sort it, and you want PIL to have a relationship with DC then yes it is for you to organise. They may not be your parents, but DC is your child. So if you want DC to have the relationship, you have to sort it for DC. Regardless of ‘whose’ parents they are.

@Parkperson

i am older. I see many of my friends husbands stepping up to do practical tasks to help elderly in laws. My husband cheerfully mows lawns and helps with DIY issues at their house. He has never been particularly chatty but he is practical. I am grateful for his support with my family. I made a big effort with his parents for many years before they died. I know one woman who refused to engage with her PILs because they were not her family. Her husband remembered her lack of concern when his FIL died and his wife's mother was alone.They were not a team. You reap what you sow. Stick by your decisions and refuse to get involved. You may or may not regret your lack of effort.

OP says she has a good relationship with ILs. But she's not able to do everything. And her DH does need to take some responsibility, pull his weight and not keep going for the easy options.