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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being forced to go to contact centre on mother's day

142 replies

Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 15:59

Despite giving over two months notice to ask for a change of date.
Just fed up of it.
Always going to be controlled my this abuser :(

OP posts:
crosspelican · 10/03/2021 16:07

I didn't want to read and run.

I'm really sorry that you have to do that - it seems that of all days, it's a particularly hurtful day to have to do this. Can somebody else bring your child for you, like one of your parents, so that at least you don't have to see him, or would that be worse?

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 16:10

It's not so much its the day. Its just what the day means to me. Its my first mothers day just DD and I that he wouldn't have ruined and he couldn't even do that. I know it's just a day and I can celebrate mother's day on the Saturday etc.. But it's just what it means to me and he still wants to be abusive and controlling by making me do a 4 hour journey to get there.

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 10/03/2021 16:26

4 hours each way?
Is this court agreed?
If it is 4 hours each way, and not court directed, I think it's unreasonable to expect you to do this within one day, and given that you can't stay in hotels etc at the moment due to Covid, then I'd be looking to delay it until you re allowed to stay nearby overnight.
Could you look for a contact centre an equal distance from you both?
(Not in time for this Sunday, but for the longer term)
Let's hope you don't develop any possible Covid symptoms and have to go for a test this weekend, as this would make it impossible for you travel while waiting for the results.
Failing that, celebrate Mother's Day on a different day?

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 16:29

It's a 4 hour round trip
I'm court ordered to go to the chosen contact centre as we fled DV and he doesn't know where we live and contact can't take place near me or even half way.
It's just knowing why he's saying I have to go that makes me feel so fed up of it all.

OP posts:
NoseinBook3 · 10/03/2021 16:31

What happens if you are too poorly? Could you be poorly?

Honeybobbin · 10/03/2021 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/03/2021 16:35

Yes I would be self isolating on Mother’s Day.

Meatshake · 10/03/2021 16:35

@Honeybobbin

I imagine you will develop a cough and need to self isolate at the last minute. What a shame.
This so much. Normally I'm very "kids need their dad in their life", but just this once I think I'd
44PumpLane · 10/03/2021 16:36

I think Madin has nailed it.... Wouldn't it be such a shame if you developed a cough on Saturday night and had to book an early Sunday morning covid test and isolate with your child until you get the result in the Monday.

I appreciate that someone will come along saying you must not waste NHS covid tests.... But honestly, when I took my child for a Covid test at a drive through EVERY person I saw (5 different people) expressed genuine surprise I hadn't just booked my entire household in for a test rather than just the one who had a cough... So people have clearly been booking plenty of random tests and in this case I honestly wouldn't begrudge you!!

Laeta · 10/03/2021 16:39

I loathe deceit and lies, but blimey OP. I'm sure I can see a bit of a flush on your face .... are you sure you don't have a temperature.

Get yourself booked in for a test on Saturday!

KarmaNoMore · 10/03/2021 16:39

Op, there are sometimes when dealing with these bastards when we only need to choose our battles, much like shared Christmas, celebrate the day on Saturday, have a fantastic time with your child. Forget Sunday is ... a Sunday. There are so many other things you have no control over and you can’t do much about it but this one doesn’t need to be an issue. It is not fair, but trying to make it fair might bring far more heartache than just celebrating in another day.

In these days of lockdown, it doesn’t make much difference anyway. 💐

ComDummings · 10/03/2021 16:41

Yes I think a bit of a cough could start on Saturday...

KarmaNoMore · 10/03/2021 16:42

And sorry but don’t go with the stupid suggestion of pretending you have a cold, you know he can take you back to court no problem for breaking the contact order. Unless you have a positive coronavirus test in hand, don’t even think of doing that.

user1149254825482534232 · 10/03/2021 16:44

Sadly, I knew this thread would be by you.

He's doing this to upset you. That's what abusers do. You need to stop expecting him to suddenly stop being an abuser.

yearinyearout · 10/03/2021 16:45

And sorry but don’t go with the stupid suggestion of pretending you have a cold, you know he can take you back to court no problem for breaking the contact order. Unless you have a positive coronavirus test in hand, don’t even think of doing that.

Don't be daft. Everyone who feels a bit flushed and feels like they have a bit of a cough doesn't have covid. I'd definitely go through a covid test to avoid this trip! Yes it'll be negative but she will have to isolate until she gets the result.

44PumpLane · 10/03/2021 16:48

KarmaNoMore surely provided the OP has proof of a Covid test it doesn't NEED to be positive.

We have all been told we MUST isolate if we have any of the main symptoms, and the main symptoms are incredibly common.

Provided the OP gets a Covid test and can prove she has done so, the ex would have no basis to go back to court as he couldn't prove that she didn't have any symptoms which would prompt a test and isolation!

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 16:48

I know. It would be too obvious to use the covid excuse and to be honest, I've taken pride with being honest about everything to the court and I don't want to start lying. Just sad that's all. This is what life will always be like if he's forced into our lives. The abuser has applied for a lives with order or shared care yet he's said he can't accommodate mothers day because basically he works 6 days a week.. So what's going to happen if you actually got shared care then if you can't "accommodate" DD.
I didn't expect anything less to be honest, I'm just sad that's all. When does it ever end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 16:51

I guess I'm just upset because I've given 2 months notice to ask for an alternative date for contact every letter has been ignored by his solicitor until this week he says he can't accommodate my request, I said I'd take DD out of nursery for the day and take annual leave or do the Saturday, given he seeks contact with her would you not expect similar effort.

OP posts:
Welikebeingcosy · 10/03/2021 16:55

I think your pride and your morals are what is allowing you to be abused in this situation tbh.
Don't mean to sound harsh but why are you allowing him to have his way over when you could easily have yours with a cough cough. Just say no and cough. You could easily say the stress of the situation caused you to feel unwell that weekend. coughs can be caused by emotions too. Especially as you haven't done this before.

Russell19 · 10/03/2021 16:56

Does the court know you're travelling for 4 hours to accommodate this? I understand he can't know where you live but that is utterly rediculous.

44PumpLane · 10/03/2021 17:10

I'm afraid I agree with Welikebeingcosy here... You pride yourself on abiding by a set of rules he will NEVER play by, and as such you are only disadvantaging yourself.

I'm not talking about playing dirty, but clearly he's continuing to try and abuse and manipulate you in any small way he can and because of your (very admirable) morals he is getting away with it.

As a one off I would honestly just reclaim the day.

I do feel for you though OP and would like to firmly state that I do not believe this is in any way your fault, just in case that is in any doubt!

ElijahsMoon · 10/03/2021 17:12

you deserve a day for you. think about what you would want your daughter to do if she was in this situation. i would say you have to isolate and spend the day under a blanket with DD watching movies

Wishitsnows · 10/03/2021 17:16

Make sure you have an amazing mother's Saturday. He is doing this to upset you. Don't let him win. Why oh why these courts push children having contact with abusive men is beyond me. The children tend to cut contact as soon as their voice is allowed to be heard.

Mumofsend · 10/03/2021 17:17

You won't have any issues pulling the covid card provided its a genuine one off. Just unfortunate timing.

Exhausted4ever · 10/03/2021 17:19

You've already posted about this haven't you?