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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being forced to go to contact centre on mother's day

142 replies

Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 15:59

Despite giving over two months notice to ask for a change of date.
Just fed up of it.
Always going to be controlled my this abuser :(

OP posts:
mumwon · 10/03/2021 20:21

god forbid
but from what you say - you might turn up & he will cancel (covid!!) but if he does - remember what your solicitor has said - everything he messes up for you will be further proof of his unreasonableness - & you would be to be with your daughter without him on your special day
Be prepared op for the unexpected

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 10/03/2021 20:36

He will go out of his way to ruin whatever he can as that's how abusers are programmed.

OP posts:
ImFree2doasiwant · 10/03/2021 21:03

I'm sorry to say this OP but you don't have to let him ruin it. It's 1 day a year. Don't just not go, or try to change it. Really try to make it less of an issue. I barely saw DC 2 on their 3rd birthday, it fell on a pre school day, and the day that their dad(well dad's mother) picked up from pre school. I saw DC before pre school and about an hour before bed. We did the birthday the day before. I'm not sure what will happen when Christmas falls on a Sunday but when it does I'll have to just suck it up. It's really really not worth getting upset about. It just feeds the fire. By not reacting to this stuff, you take away the control.

toocold54 · 10/03/2021 21:08

remember what your solicitor has said - everything he messes up for you will be further proof of his unreasonableness

Yes definitely!
By you sticking to things now (even though it’s rubbish) it will just show a court how it is him who is being difficult and that you’ve tried your best to form a relationship and so they will take your side.

Meatshake · 10/03/2021 21:20

@Pebbledashery

Thank you everyone. I completely agree, I should've not given him the bone to chew on so early regarding mother's day.. I should just mentioned it a few days before to say sorry I can't come.. I just didn't want to give him an excuse to swipe at me. He's got a very, very aggressive barrister who is going full throttle to try to convince the court that not only im the abusive one but I'm also obstructing DDs relationship with him. I just need to learn to not allow him to make me feel like he's still controlling me, because he will never, ever have what DD and I have x
With regards to the aggressive solicitor that changes things- I think you need to toe the line and go. Either way, it's win-win.

If he fucks you about then he fucks you about, but the worst thing that happens in this situation is that you'll be giving him enough rope to hang himself because you can present it as unreasonable behaviour in court. That's a win for you.

The best outcome is for your daughter to have a nice visit with her dad. Even if he's a complete twat waffle, that has got to be a win for her.

Redruby2020 · 10/03/2021 21:57

@Honeybobbin

I imagine you will develop a cough and need to self isolate at the last minute. What a shame.
😉😁
Redruby2020 · 10/03/2021 22:10

@TheVanguardSix

I really feel for you. It's court ordered. You can't not go. I have been in your shoes, OP, years ago. I never broke the order, but then again, I didn't have the misfortune of a having visit booked on mother's day. You could break the order and risk him hauling you back to court for doing so, but would he be bothered to follow through with that?

Do yourself a favour, don't write to his solicitors. Skip all of that. Henceforth, go straight to the court and put in an application to amend an order. This results in a hearing and it's a PITA, but it's the best way to go about your situation/change dates. It can be costly, but at least you'll very likely get a date changed. The problem is, a solicitor can't change the order, only the court can. So writing to solicitors is wasting your own time. They represent the law, but they can't change it, or make it because they are not the law. The court is.
I am only writing what it took me so long to learn through trial and error. I feel your plight, OP, big time. Flowers
How much longer will you be going to this contact centre? It might really be worth considering a move to one that is closer to you (where you both can meet half way/compromise).

Why do some of the father's then not turn up for things arranged and what happens then, if it is court ordered?!
NoseinBook3 · 10/03/2021 23:09

I would most certainly develop a cough. Especially if he’s very unlikely to be granted resident parent status as you’ve said.

I would also never ask him for a day change, or anything ever again. Don’t give him that power.

gottakeeponmovin · 11/03/2021 08:06

I don't understand why you wouldn't lie. Pricing yourself on your integrity in the case benefits no one. Get a test done though or it will look suspect

Porcupineintherough · 11/03/2021 08:14

I would suggest you pick your battles and reduce the power he has over you by not trying to reason/barter with him. Just accept that contact days are set in stone and never offer a degree of flexibility yourself. Upsetting you is meat and drink for him so dont ask him for anything he has the power to deny you. The truth is - you won. You got away. And now there are many days in your life where he has no control over you and cant spoil.

Ladybigbeach · 11/03/2021 08:35

Although a cough and test seems like the perfect reason not to go op, your responses sounds like if you did it would be ammunition to him and his solicitor.
Hold yourself with grace, you are free from him and this is all he has now to control you. Have a lovey day with you dd on another day, know on Sunday that actually you’re a great example of a mother- protecting her from him.

Desmondo2016 · 11/03/2021 09:12

He will get bored eventually. Truly he will. He will find a new victim and move his twatty behaviour on to her. Just grit your teeth, do the bare minimum of what you have to do legally and don't utter a word over and above what is necessary. This will rile him more than anything else. He likes to feel he controls you and he will take pleasure from manipulating you so just stop letting him...

Best bit of advice I ever got given was that I can control my behaviour but I needed to let go of wishing I could change his.

Pugdogmom · 11/03/2021 09:23

At first, I was with the other posters re self isolating and Covid tests. However with him trying to get custody and the aggressive solicitor, annoying as it is...I would go. Don't give him the satisfaction. If you already tried to rearrange Sunday because it was Mother's day, he will suspect you are lying, even with Covid test.
Make the road trip fun for your DD, treat her to a McDonald's on way home, and enjoy the fact that you have got out of this dreadful relationship.

Sh05 · 11/03/2021 09:24

Remember you don’t need to celebrate Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day, it is just a date on the calendar. Celebrate it the following day and don’t let him win.

I would act grateful that he’s having her so you can have some ‘you’ time. If it’s possible pick her up with your hair done or some shopping bags like you’ve had a great day whilst he’s been ‘babysitting’ it will really piss him off.
I agree with this option. He'll not be happy to see you've enjoyed yourself and will doubt himself every time you request a reasonable change in contactGrin

Redruby2020 · 11/03/2021 09:57

@Desmondo2016

He will get bored eventually. Truly he will. He will find a new victim and move his twatty behaviour on to her. Just grit your teeth, do the bare minimum of what you have to do legally and don't utter a word over and above what is necessary. This will rile him more than anything else. He likes to feel he controls you and he will take pleasure from manipulating you so just stop letting him...

Best bit of advice I ever got given was that I can control my behaviour but I needed to let go of wishing I could change his.

Yes agreed, this is a hard one, I have still done that up until recently, whereby I found it hard to deal with my frustration and disappointment that my exP is not how I want him to be or for our son as a father. I am fortunate at the moment I don't have to have anything to do with him, as he is on bail and has conditions, and SS have asked for contact to stop and to let him take me to court, which as of two weeks ago he still hadn't filled out the forms as he was asking for my help! The cheek of him!
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 11/03/2021 10:36

I agree with all these comments. I will have to just grin and bare it I guess.. Stop letting him have the control. At the end of the day I get every day with my beautiful little girl.. The judge has ordered the very bare minimum of contact in the interim that's closely supervised once a fortnight because he's violent scum and that's not him having one over on me. Just have to hope the Court sees him for the abuser he is.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/03/2021 10:40

What kind of dumb arsed court would agree to this? Definitely develop a cough today. The day before looks a bit too obvious and self isolate for two weeks. Fuck him.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 11/03/2021 10:51

I agree that pretending to be ill would not help you win this. You may get your mothers day back but you are playing a long game here and you don't want to give him any ammunition. A 4 hour round trip plus an hour or so in the contact centre is shit but you are the better person, you can pride yourself on not stooping to his level or lying to get what you want. You will have many more mothers days ahead of you which will hopefully be peaceful and free of his manipulation. Good luck.

notanothertakeaway · 11/03/2021 11:06

If you have asked to cancel Sunday's contact and your request was declined, I think it would be very risky to pretend to have Covid symptoms. A bit like when people ask for holiday, it's declined, and folk suggest they should simply pretend to be ill. No employer would fall for that

It's hugely frustrating for you, and I do sympathise with that, but flexibility cuts both ways. On another occasion, if your ex asks for contact to be rescheduled so that he can see the child on his birthday, Fathers day etc, you won't feel under any obligation to agree to that

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 11/03/2021 11:30

You know something I would've actually said he could have fathers day had he been flexible with mothers day because I'm not a horrible monster like him. But maybe I need to be.

OP posts:
FuckyouCovid21 · 11/03/2021 11:45

You say he was abusive to her too, does she actually want to see him or doesn't she get the choice. I'm not being twatty btw, I genuinely don't know anything about these situations

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 11/03/2021 11:51

She gets no choice because she is only 2.5years old.

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 11/03/2021 12:29

You know something I would've actually said he could have fathers day had he been flexible with mothers day because I'm not a horrible monster like him. But maybe I need to be

I think that's what 44PumpLane meant upthread You pride yourself on abiding by a set of rules he will NEVER play by, and as such you are only disadvantaging yourself and it's good that you're becoming aware of it. He concedes nothing so neither do you, you owe him zero kindness, consideration or flexibility for his convenience because you get none of those things from him.

Absolutely do things by the book, don't break the court order or tell any lies but that's it, nothing extra or because you want to be 'reasonable', just what's court ordered. You being a decent person won't transform him into being the same.

OhioOhioOhio · 11/03/2021 13:52

Weirdfan

You have nailed it exactly. You think that some kind of goodness will come from your ability to be fair. Ha. What a joke.

B33Fr33 · 11/03/2021 13:58

Aren't you experiencing a cough on Saturday morning, needing a test late Saturday?