Being forced to go to contact centre on mother's day

[Pebbledashery]

Despite giving over two months notice to ask for a change of date.
Just fed up of it.
Always going to be controlled my this abuser :(

Don't be daft. Everyone who feels a bit flushed and feels like they have a bit of a cough doesn't have covid. I'd definitely go through a covid test to avoid this trip! Yes it'll be negative but she will have to isolate until she gets the result.

Not daft really, how many years have you been fighting an abuser in court @yearinyearout?

I was taken to court (one of many times) because I cancelled a weekday contact as DS had swine flu symptoms (allucinations at night, fever, vomiting and he had just passed out on the way to handover. £700 and a day later (he demanded an emergency court appointment) , we agreed I was going to let DS go to him on the next night in exchange for the one he missed. Did he show up? No, he stood us up.

OP, the best way to deal with an abuser who cares more about hurting you than about his own kid is not to give him the satisfaction of upsetting you, don’t show any happiness or upset, both will set him off.

What helped in our case was for him to know as little as possible about me. I cut contact with everyone who knew him and those who knew people who knew him. There were people I couldn’t cut off (my family) so I just stopped telling them anything I would not want him to hear.

I blocked everyone in social media who could inadvertently say something that could get to him (friends of friends), to this date, I don’t accept anyone in Facebook that I don’t know very very well.

With time he got bored, said to everyone I didn’t allow him to see DS (a lie) and disappeared from our lives.

It is already hard enough to parent a child singlehandedly, choose your battles, nobody can parent effectively when full of anger, resentment or stressed about what the monster is going to do next.

It doesn’t matter where you are or what you do on Mother’s Day, you’ve still given both yourself and your daughter the best gift - freedom from the influence of this manipulative bastard. He can force you to physically adhere to court requirements, but he can’t control your spirit or break the very special bond you are your daughter have - he will never have the same. Well done to your for breaking free and making a new life for yourselves.

As others have said, celebrate Mother’s a day another day and make the visit a bit of a road trip. In time your daughter will recognise only you as the stable and supportive influence in her life, you don’t need a special day to celebrate your relationship. Whereas for him, he will never be a father - one reaps what one sows.

I really feel for you. It's court ordered. You can't not go.
I have been in your shoes, OP, years ago. I never broke the order, but then again, I didn't have the misfortune of a having visit booked on mother's day. You could break the order and risk him hauling you back to court for doing so, but would he be bothered to follow through with that?

Do yourself a favour, don't write to his solicitors. Skip all of that. Henceforth, go straight to the court and put in an application to amend an order. This results in a hearing and it's a PITA, but it's the best way to go about your situation/change dates. It can be costly, but at least you'll very likely get a date changed. The problem is, a solicitor can't change the order, only the court can. So writing to solicitors is wasting your own time. They represent the law, but they can't change it, or make it because they are not the law. The court is.
I am only writing what it took me so long to learn through trial and error. I feel your plight, OP, big time.
How much longer will you be going to this contact centre? It might really be worth considering a move to one that is closer to you (where you both can meet half way/compromise).

I have also been through court with my DV ex, I know how tough it is.

I would not lie to the court, or to your ExH. I lost out on my first Mother''s Day after we split and I was gutted, thought about sabotaging the contact some how but decided not to and I'm so glad I didn't. I insisted it be written into the court order that we get our parent days. It means occasionally losing my DD on my birthday as my birthday sometimes falls on Father's Day but I celebrate before or after.

Make the best of it, I loved the suggestion from @MadinMarch about how to make the day a bit more special despite the contact.

Good luck, and have a lovely Mother's Day. Saving your integrity now will make you feel much better years down the line.

Using Covid as a reason is likely to create avoidable aggro. Is it worth it?

Is there another country which you are particularly fond of? Picking a different Mother's Day (but one which is an actual Mother's Day somewhere) might feel better than just celebrating on the Saturday before.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother%27s_Day#Dates_around_the_world

Aren't you getting a bit if a sore throat and temperature (on Friday/Saturday) maybe you should self isolate until you've had a test. It is a shame the poor dear will miss his contact, but you wouldn't want to put anyone in danger.

Just say you have Covid symptoms and have to isolate with the children. Then spend Mother’s Day at home.

(I also fled DV but luckily he couldn’t be bothered to turn up to the first mediation meeting to arrange contact, and never has since).

I would go OP. Make sure the journey is fun. Make sure you go get yourself a take away coffee and chill in a local park for the duration of contact and then when he wants Father’s Day or his birthday or similar just refuse. If hes late he doesn’t get any flexibility.

Listen to the Vipers OP they speak sense

I loathe lies too but my abusive xh also used to ruin special occasions, especially Mothers Day. I wouldn't go.

This does not solve Sunday, however:

I am not sure how this would work, but in future, if you are to contact his solicitor in future to rearrange a date, are you able to specify that if you do not hear back by a certain date then it can be deemed to be agreed. Proof of posting and delivery is possible.

Tell your DD that Mother's Day has been changed this year due to Covid and it's now Saturday. Do all the things you would have done on Saturday and just try to enjoy it.

So sorry you're going through this

In future, I wouldn't even request a change of date from him. Having to ask him for something gives him something he can hold over you. Don't give him the satisfaction of messing you around.

You have to leave go of specific dates when you share custody I have found, so you might celebrate Christmas on Boxing Day for example or their birthday the day after the anniversary of their birth. My ex left me on Mother’s Day, but it’s just a day, I have all year to see my child loves me, I don’t need that one day.

Thank you for your suggestions everyone. What I'm so irate about is, prior to the order being sealed my solicitor mentioned to my counsel about mothers day and it looks like they are saying they were never told. He's applied for a lives with order so essentially full residence of DD with me being the NRP, yet he's using his work commitments as an excuse to not able to accommodate mother's day.. So how will he expect to convince the court to look after DD full time. I guess I don't even know why I'm surprised, he will love the thought of me being dragged to the contact centre on a special day. My solicitor has said we can use this as evidence of how controlling and disgusting he is! I will try to have a nice mother's day on the Saturday, I know it's just a day etc.. But it's just what it means to me.. I had every single special occasion obliterated by him.. Last mothers day I ended up in bed with DD at 7.00pm sobbing my heart out because he called me all manned of awful names and told me I was a sh*t mum.. I guess I thought it would be different, but it's not.

@whocares2021 by the way he will never get shared custody.. DD and I were removed from the county by social services because the abuse and violence was so bad, he would've killed me. He also subjected DD to abuse also which is why he's in a contact centre at present.

@DdraigGoch

In future, I wouldn't even request a change of date from him. Having to ask him for something gives him something he can hold over you. Don't give him the satisfaction of messing you around.

This a thousand times

Giving him advance notice was gifting him an insight into how to push your buttons.

Enjoy a special day this weekend, and hope DD spoils you with cuddles and kisses

In future, I wouldn't even request a change of date from him. Having to ask him for something gives him something he can hold over you. Don't give him the satisfaction of messing you around.

Absolutely this!

You can always do things to keep your control.
Even if that means convincing yourself that that day doesn’t matter because the day before is more important. Asking him to change things is exactly what he wants because it gives him back the control. If you said he has to have her on Mother’s Day as you want some free time I bet he’d turn around and say he has to cancel because that’s what control freaks are like.

@Pebbledashery I understand that but his contact will no doubt fall on other ‘special’ days in the future, but in reality it’s just a day like any other.

[quote Pebbledashery]@whocares2021 by the way he will never get shared custody.. DD and I were removed from the county by social services because the abuse and violence was so bad, he would've killed me. He also subjected DD to abuse also which is why he's in a contact centre at present.[/quote]
Just remember he hasn't won. He controls what? Part of one day a month. You got away, you got your daughter away he's never going to make you the NRP. Have a wonderful day on the Saturday not to mention the Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday.

You are an amazing mum. It is different because YOU are free of him being able to call you names and belittle you. Sure he can make you take your DD to contact. He can’t stop you having a nice breakfast with her, he can’t stop you having nice chocolates and making cakes when you get home. He can’t stop you having a positive day in your own home. You don’t have to wake up treading on eggshells or going to be crying.

Yes he can take a huge slice of time out of your day. Doesn’t mean you can’t drive there singing mamma Mia though! Don’t allow him this power.

In future, I wouldn't even request a change of date from him. Having to ask him for something gives him something he can hold over you. Don't give him the satisfaction of messing you around.

Exactly. I think you're going to have to just do what you can around this mother's Day, it's a bit too late now and with you asking for a date change etc, it'll likely just give him a stick to beat you with.
That said, when's father's day? Or another special day that he's due for contact? Shame if you were to be self isolating then wouldn't it?
Though part of me thinks you shouldn't stoop to his level, part of me thinks he should have something not go his way for once.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I can't believe that the law still thinks that contact with an abusive parent, dictated by said abusive parent is the best thing for a child. But I've been there and know that sadly, that's what it is.

💐 For you.

Australian Mothers Day is the 9th of May
re-celebrate on this day -a trip to the seaside & picnic

Thank you everyone. I completely agree, I should've not given him the bone to chew on so early regarding mother's day.. I should just mentioned it a few days before to say sorry I can't come..
I just didn't want to give him an excuse to swipe at me. He's got a very, very aggressive barrister who is going full throttle to try to convince the court that not only im the abusive one but I'm also obstructing DDs relationship with him.
I just need to learn to not allow him to make me feel like he's still controlling me, because he will never, ever have what DD and I have x

Mother's Day here in Belgium is 9 May, if you fancy celebrating later in the year when the weather will hopefully be better, instead?

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and him. It is 'just a day', but it's something he's ruined, and I totally understand how disappointing and upsetting that must be. Other posters hopefully have advice on things you can maybe do to minimise the impact he can have on you both in future. I hope Sunday goes ok for you.