Page 2 | Being forced to go to contact centre on mother's day

Pebbledashery · 2021-03-10T15:59:41+00:00

Despite giving over two months notice to ask for a change of date. Just fed up of it. Always going to be controlled my this abuser :(

MzHz · 10/03/2021 17:21

Fuck it, your integrity needs to work FOR you not against you

lunar1 · 10/03/2021 17:24

I'm sure I've read your posts before, arrange your Covid test for Saturday PM, makes sure you have everything you need in the house and have a lovely long weekend with your DD.

There is absolutely no shortage of testing capacity right now, take this as a small bit of control back.

AmyandPhilipfan · 10/03/2021 17:28

Surely courts aren’t so strict as to say that a regular contact day can never be changed? Can’t you say sorry, you can’t do this Sunday as a one off but you have proof that you asked for a change with two months’ notice, plus you suggested a couple of alternative dates? So that if this ever does come up in court you can say that that was a day you were unable to facilitate but here is the proof that you were very reasonable about the situation.

Wannabangbang · 10/03/2021 17:31

It's awful that abusive men are even allowed to see their children. Think once they step that line they should have no entitlement as they'll soob do the same to their kids. Awful state of affairs when mothers have to go through this because the stupid law says so. You have my complete sympathy op xx

Wannabangbang · 10/03/2021 17:33

I agree with others, plead covid symptoms and don't go, it's a very feasible excuse just this once.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 10/03/2021 17:37

Are you sure your senses of taste and smell are quite right? In your position I'd rather be very careful, especially as it means travelling to a different area....

DumpedByText · 10/03/2021 17:41

I'd be booking a covid test on Saturday and say the results haven't come through yet, so you're both isolating. He'll run a mile if he thinks he might get Covid!

MadinMarch · 10/03/2021 17:42

I wouldn't have normally suggested manipulating the contact session like that but he does seem to have been unreasonable about changing the date, and it did seem very important to you, and it seemed a pretty easy way out on this one occassion.
It's great to hear that you've survived the domestic abuse and are living safely miles away. I think you're probably right when you say he will always make things difficult for you and in the longer term, I think you're going to need to adjust the ways you respond to it, so you don't feel that his contact constantly impacts negatively . I don't know how old your daughter is now, but assume you've got years and years ahead of you to enjoy a lot of special time with her. Try not to let him spoil these for you.
Try to focus on all the positive times you'll have throughout her childhood and work out how you can work around the xmas and birthday times and Mother's Days etc when you need to. It's not ideal, I know, but you really can celebrate these on a different day if need be, and still make them special.
As for Sunday, could you make the contact centre just one part of the day for you? Have a special breakfast before you go, (lay the table the night before and have pancakes with lovely toppings) do the journey and sing and chat in the car,. Could you stop for a little walk on your way there or back even with a basic picnic?
Order a takeaway maybe for when you get back home, and cuddle up on the sofa with a good film etc. and some chocs.
I brought my daughter up on my own, and it was hard at times but i found having a positive attitude and being determined to 'make the best of it' really helped- it can be a little odd when they're very young and you're the one having to prepare all the special treats and buy your own presents etc but my daughter really enjoyed it all. She's 21 now, and loves to make a big deal out of mothers Day for us both.
I hope your day goes well on Sunday

ElizaLaLa · 10/03/2021 17:42

Is that a cough you've developed there op? You can't go anywhere if you might have covid.

Trappeding · 10/03/2021 17:42

OP I totally get why you want to act properly, to feel that you have integrity. I've done similar. It gave me self respect.

It was also fucking exhausting as I basically lost out in other ways. I can't say on balance whether it was worth it or not. What I can say is that if you ONCE develop a "cough" and need a test on Saturday afternoon, it's not a slippery slope. You're not at all just like him. It's a day that's important to you and you're taking some control of your life within the rules. Once you have that test, you have to abide by the rules.

Go on. Treat yourself, just once.

littlefireseverywhere · 10/03/2021 17:43

I’m with everyone else here too. Last thing you’d want to do is spread any germs around!

MazekeenSmith · 10/03/2021 17:43

This OP has been advised to fake covid symptoms loads of times. It's really not good advice.

OP you need to let go of the idea of Mother's Day. Nobody is going to do anything on the day anyway as your DC is too young so it only has meaning in as much as you don't want to facilitate contact on that day. Celebrate it on the day before and put it out of your mind. Of course he has said no to changing because he knows it will bother you. Stop letting it.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 10/03/2021 17:43

You wanted mother's day and he knew it would hurt you to say no. So he said no. Take back some control and tell the contact centre/solicitor that you have had to self isolate. He will never be fair or reasonable no matter what you do. And you know you are dealing with someone who enjoys hurting you and your dd so it's time to give zero fucks about even trying to play fair

ImFree2doasiwant · 10/03/2021 17:47

OP I honestly think you should let this one go. My, also abusive, ex has the DC every Sunday. I dobt even bother asking to change it. It's just a day, and you can celebrate any other day. Don't give him the power of asking him anything.

I started out beibg flexible (both ways) but soon realised it best (in my situation) to have a firm arrangement, and stick to it.

You will also have this to help your case, if you dont want him to have more contact as he's contradicting himself.

GameSetMatch · 10/03/2021 17:56

Id go I wouldn’t want anything to ever go against me if it went to court. Don’t lie, you’ll get caught. Always be honest and true and you can’t go far wrong in life,

It’s a really crappy time but maybe you could have a Mcdonalds car picnic and visit a new playground after the visit. Make it a special day, prove to yourself he can’t ruin things anymore. A mother’s day road trip, lots of tasty snacks and some good music. Stop off and go on a new walk half way to stretch your legs.

Mummaofboys93 · 10/03/2021 17:57

Don't lie about self isolating be honest with the contact centre. Phone them up & say you're simply not taking your DC as it is mother's day & this man has ruined enough or your life.

I am going back a few years, but my eldest child's grandfather took me to court over contact (DS dad doesn't bother with him). The arrangements were every other weekend on a a Sunday for 3 hours, on more than one occasion I tried to change the dates but this never seemed suitable for DC grandfather, so I simply just didn't turn up. I phoned up to say ibwasnt brining DC so to tell his GF not to waste a trip. It did get bought up in court & I was honest about it. Nothing came of it, other than for me to be told to try & stick with thr court order.

amylou8 · 10/03/2021 17:57

I would go to get in my car, exactly 2 hours before the appointment time, and find it had mysteriously got a flat tyre. I'd call the AA who would assess me as low priority and take at least two hours to arrive and put on my space saver. I'd then have to drive it to the tyre shop (safety first no long trips on a space saver) to get a new one. By this time you're 3 hours late for the appointment, still a 2 hour drive away, with AA and tyre shop receipts in your hand to prove it happened. Bargain for 20 quid for a replacement part worn tyre.

MazekeenSmith · 10/03/2021 18:06

@Mummaofboys93

Don't lie about self isolating be honest with the contact centre. Phone them up & say you're simply not taking your DC as it is mother's day & this man has ruined enough or your life.

I am going back a few years, but my eldest child's grandfather took me to court over contact (DS dad doesn't bother with him). The arrangements were every other weekend on a a Sunday for 3 hours, on more than one occasion I tried to change the dates but this never seemed suitable for DC grandfather, so I simply just didn't turn up. I phoned up to say ibwasnt brining DC so to tell his GF not to waste a trip. It did get bought up in court & I was honest about it. Nothing came of it, other than for me to be told to try & stick with thr court order.

Please don't advise women to ignore court ordered contact. It's very bad advice

Mummaofboys93 · 10/03/2021 18:11

@MazekeenSmith
I'm not advising her, I am telling her not to lie that she has covid if she hasn't got it & to just be honest. Then I explained my own personal experience. She is an adult I am sure she can make her own choice.

Exhausted4ever · 10/03/2021 18:13

You all realise its just a random date right and you can just celebrate mothers day on another day?!

toocold54 · 10/03/2021 18:21

Remember you don’t need to celebrate Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day, it is just a date on the calendar. Celebrate it the following day and don’t let him win.

I would act grateful that he’s having her so you can have some ‘you’ time. If it’s possible pick her up with your hair done or some shopping bags like you’ve had a great day whilst he’s been ‘babysitting’ it will really piss him off.

ChancesWhatChances · 10/03/2021 18:22

I agree with everyone else OP, I can see you getting poorly from here

TheAuthorityofJackieWeaver · 10/03/2021 18:24

You’ve got a continuous cough haven’t you?

DianaT1969 · 10/03/2021 18:25

I take a different view. Mother's Day is a date in the calendar. It's actually in May for most countries. If you think about it, you can have special days with your DD every weekend. You have probably seen more of her than ever because schools have been closed. Get it over with. Look forward to Mother's Day because once the evening comes, you are free of him for a while.

toocold54 · 10/03/2021 18:26

Don't give him the power of asking him anything.

Absolutely this!

He is loving you asking to change and then he’s getting to string you along and say no. Just stick to the agreed days even if they fall on birthdays etc as he can only win if he feels like you are hurting in some way.