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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike being "monitored"

176 replies

Oakmaiden · 10/03/2021 13:19

Basically my husband thinks I am unreasonable to object to this. It is little things, like "you bought 12 cans of Coke x days ago and now there are only y left." (For reference, we can afford to buy the stuff, and I am the only person in the house who drinks it, so my consumption is hurting no-one. While I am overweight, we have also had this conversation over sugar free squash, bottled water, orange juice etc etc. For reference, I never count his tea bags.)

I am an adult and if what I am doing (eating/drinking/how I spend my leisure time/how far I decide to travel on a day out/whatever) isn't negatively effecting anyone else, then he really should mind his own business. Or am I wrong?

OP posts:
whoamitojudge · 10/03/2021 18:27

@BeagleEagle
I’m a southerner so I’ve never heard it.
Ps your user name is great

ViciousJackdaw · 10/03/2021 18:30

It's pop in Liverpool too. Especially when bought from the chippy.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/03/2021 18:34

Why do so many people on MN think they have the right to control what other grown adults eat? Hmm

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 10/03/2021 18:40

God my elderly in laws are exactly like this Hmm

Father in law scrutinises every bank statement that comes through with a fine tooth comb and questions mother in law about literally every little thing and half the time it's him spending but forgets Hmm

On the other side of the coin mil scrutinises everything fil puts near his mouth due to her life long obsession with weight even though they eat all the wrong things but sparrow sized portions Hmm

Fil often digs into the biscuit tin when he's here cause I think he's being starved Wink

MintyMabel · 10/03/2021 18:43

It would then be up to them if they stopped or not.

Because you are giving them brand new information? Why do you think an adult needs another adult to tell them this?

DryAsABone · 10/03/2021 19:05

You're not wrong.

What will happen if you just say to him, "can you stop policing my food and drink. It really upsets me"?

If my partner told me something I was doing was upsetting him I'd be upset with myself most likely and definitely stop whatever it was. Is there a reason you just don't feel able to ask him? Is he likely to get arsey or something?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 10/03/2021 19:20

To repeat for some.

He monitors her (bottled) water consumption.

Okbussitout · 10/03/2021 19:24

That sounds insufferable. Can you give some other examples?

Thimbleberries · 10/03/2021 19:39

@CatNoBag

Depends how many days since you bought them. If it's 20, then yes it's a bit OTT, but if it's a few days I'd be raising it as well as it's a pretty unhealthy habit. It wouldn't be about your weight for me, just that excessive drinking of coke can cause many health issues and are known to be addictive. If that's the only thing he's monitoring then I don't think it's an issue, I'd think he's worried about your health.
But he's not 'raising it'; he's making passive aggressive hints that he think she is drinking too many cans. He doesn't even come out and say it, let alone raise it as a potential issue and explain that he's worried.

Yes, it might be a health issue, and if he is concerned, he could try to discuss his worries. But that's very different from monitoring her consumption and then just making a comment about it - not even coming right out and saying what he thinks.

DryAsABone · 10/03/2021 20:22

Those of you bringing up OP's weight - he does the same about bottles of water. So it isn't concern about health.

OP says they don't have money issues and can afford snacks, etc...

So it's more likely a controlling thing, I'd say.

SausageBeanz · 10/03/2021 21:29

Do you actually pay for it? If you are both putting in for the shopping, and out of this budget you buy the diet coke (the stuff only you drink!), then YABU.

FWIW, I drink a lot of diet cola (genuinely don't care what anyone thinks..) but I pay for it. Seperate to what we put in for the shopping together. Same as if one of us wants a take-away, one of us fancies getting ourselves beer etc, it's how we work it and it works well because neither of us comment on what each other are consuming. Despite the fact I drink a lot of it, and I'm addicted to it, it is still a 'treat' so something I buy for myself.

It's expensive. If OH was going halves with me for it in the shopping budget, it'd fucking sky rocket.

We do also share (as in both pay for out of shopping budget) joint treat-drinks. And yes if one of us guzzled nearly the lot without letting the other get a look in, we'd absolutely comment about it because it's greedy and selfish.

If you're paying for it, and you don't like his comments, then tell him to fuck off. I cannot stand folk who feel the need to passive-agressively comment on other peoples consumption unless they pay for it.

Redruby2020 · 10/03/2021 21:36

@Shinyletsbebadguys

Nope this for me wouldn't ever be ok. With one exception in our house which is a running joke about my slight (not so slight ) obsession with Pecans. But that really is a joke and doesn't remotely upset me and DP regularly buys me them and tells me to pecan out. Anything else is not OK.

I lost 8 stone about 2 years ago and even before that its not "concern" to make these comments and DP was the first to say that when I asked dhim if it ever bothered him how much I had eaten back then. He firmly came back with that I was an adult and if I did dislike my eating habits him making a shit comment dressed up as faux concern would have been nasty and unhelpful. He was right.

I would actually sit him down and spell it out to him.

Provided its not affecting finances or household resources which you say it is not there is jo justification for someone to monitor their adult partners food or drink intake.

Its infantilising , controlling and says an awful lot about the people who think it is ok...none of it good.

I'm so glad you said this. Although these kinds of things are not seen as a crime as such, because physical abuse seems to be at the top of the list, this with other stuff is big time examples of someone being abusive.

I have someone close to me who does it to their other half it's horrible, and her response was when talking about someone else we know, who used to be bigger was, well I know DP might watch/criticise what I eat, but at least he doesn't let me stuff myself 🥲 I felt so very sad to hear that. He says things in front of others to her too, it's just horrible. And it comes from someone who has got a problem in more than one way, but especially where food is concerned.

Redruby2020 · 10/03/2021 21:39

@Cloudyrainsham

I was gobsmacked when I ordered some nail varnishes the other day, at the checkout you could tick a box and for £1 they would put a note in saying it was a free gift so your partner wouldn’t find out!

That’s what happens when one partner analyses what the other is buying. My step dad does it to my mum and has for nearly 40 years. He actually goes through the bank statements and checks everything. It’s a slippery slope !

Oh wow, do you think that is because of us having been stuck in Lockdown for so long and as we have all been made aware, domestic violence has worsened in that time?! I paid for something one day and on the end of my receipt it said something like are you scared of your partner, and then the domestic violence helpline number!
Redruby2020 · 10/03/2021 21:40

@maddening

Just like passing comment on whether a slim person has eaten enough is also not OK.

And the fact that other posters even need to caveat with "I am not overweight" for therr similar stories is shit.

👏
doghairismyglitter · 11/03/2021 11:26

I absolutely hate people that police what others eat.

Unless you’re short on money or taking all a type of food leaving nothing for others (which you’ve said you’re not) it’s no one else’s business.

I don’t agree with the whole “maybe they’re concerned about your health” Adults can make their own decisions, it’s their own health, their own business.

Policing food doesn’t work, it leads to resentment, or eating in secret, feeling uncomfortable about comments or overindulging when the other person is not there. It’s your house too, your body, you should be able to eat what you like. Things like that really really annoy me, at the minute there’s so few pleasures in life, if you want something and it’s nothing affecting anyone else, you should be able to have it!

Sillyduckseverywhere · 11/03/2021 13:15

@doghairismyglitter

I absolutely hate people that police what others eat.

Unless you’re short on money or taking all a type of food leaving nothing for others (which you’ve said you’re not) it’s no one else’s business.

I don’t agree with the whole “maybe they’re concerned about your health” Adults can make their own decisions, it’s their own health, their own business.

Policing food doesn’t work, it leads to resentment, or eating in secret, feeling uncomfortable about comments or overindulging when the other person is not there. It’s your house too, your body, you should be able to eat what you like. Things like that really really annoy me, at the minute there’s so few pleasures in life, if you want something and it’s nothing affecting anyone else, you should be able to have it!

I basically just typed this post! Grin

I'd like to add
They know
They know they are fat
They know you judge them
They know what they have to do
They know.
All pointing it out does is make them feel shittier.
Personally it used to make me comfort eat shrug

I'm with someone supportive now. Not once has he mentioned my weight, but he gently encourages me. I feel supported. I'm losing weight in a healthy way I enjoy. It makes such a difference. If he policed my food I'd fucking dump him. (But he never would, because he's not a judgemental cockwomble)

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 11/03/2021 17:28

Start doing the same to your husband and see how he likes it.

Comment on his loo roll uses, tea bags etc.

Actupfishy · 11/03/2021 17:32

Is it because he wants a can of coke and they are all gone?

Harls1969 · 11/03/2021 17:46

OP is an adult and is allowed to drink as much diet coke as she wants - without judgement. It's like when people feel the need to comment on other people's weight - do you think they don't know they're under/overweight? It isn't helpful and, rather than making the recipient have a lightning bolt moment where they suddenly ditch all of their bad habits to become as perfect as you, it often has the opposite effect. OP wasn't asking for health or weight advice, she needed a rant about her husband making snarky comments.
OP, this would totally rile me too and I would definitely start commenting on everything he eats or drinks!

Amiable · 11/03/2021 17:52

My ex'D'H did this... the fact he is my ex is not unconnected...

godmum56 · 11/03/2021 17:59

be careful that sounds like the beginning of gaslighting to me.

Plunger · 11/03/2021 18:24

Count how many bread, potatoes, biscuits, snacks etc he eats and see how he likes being monitored!

1forAll74 · 11/03/2021 18:35

Maybe he is just concerned about all the Coke you consume, which is fair, if he is concerned about your health, as coke is addictive, and of no use at all, if you are overweight,, and no use either, if you are not overweight.

I bought some cheap Cola a while ago, to unblock my toilet, it did the job quickly, it's good for quite a few household jobs,.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/03/2021 18:46

It’s really shit him monitoring you and making PA comments.

I find myself deliberating over my answer, because multiple cans of coke - or any pop - is really bad for you. And bottled rather than tap water really bad for the environment too.
But I guess I’m being very wrong too!

Bertiebiscuit · 11/03/2021 18:58

Is he your life partner.... Or you boss/jailor/abuser? Why are you with this nasty control freak - d I v o r c e