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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dislike being "monitored"

176 replies

Oakmaiden · 10/03/2021 13:19

Basically my husband thinks I am unreasonable to object to this. It is little things, like "you bought 12 cans of Coke x days ago and now there are only y left." (For reference, we can afford to buy the stuff, and I am the only person in the house who drinks it, so my consumption is hurting no-one. While I am overweight, we have also had this conversation over sugar free squash, bottled water, orange juice etc etc. For reference, I never count his tea bags.)

I am an adult and if what I am doing (eating/drinking/how I spend my leisure time/how far I decide to travel on a day out/whatever) isn't negatively effecting anyone else, then he really should mind his own business. Or am I wrong?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2021 14:28

You don't think your weight/health impacts him?

maddening · 10/03/2021 14:29

OMG 🙄

Tal45 · 10/03/2021 14:30

Personally I think drinking cans and cans of coke whether it's sugar free or not is really unhealthy and I would probably comment on it. It would then be up to them if they stopped or not.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/03/2021 14:30

My reply would be "and?" followed swiftly by a "you know where the shop is if you need more"

What is his concern - is it money/waste?

How overweight are you?

@DaphneBridgerton how is that even relevant when the OP says he does it over bottled water too.

pepeleputois · 10/03/2021 14:31

@maddening

*DaphneBridgerton

How overweight are you? Does he think he's helping by making you aware of how much fizzy pop you are drinking? If he is genuinely worried for your health then he's entitled to say something*

It is not suddenly fine to do this because a person is overweight.

unless that person is constantly complaining and banging on their excess weight.

At some point adults need to take responsibility.

CodMouth · 10/03/2021 14:36

Hide a few cans for a day then put them back. Keep doing this until he loses his mind.

iklboo · 10/03/2021 14:36

People saying 'I would be annoyed with you polishing off all the expensive treats before I got a look in'

The OP says in her first post

For reference, we can afford to buy the stuff, and I am the only person in the house who drinks it, so my consumption is hurting no-one

Pinkflipflop85 · 10/03/2021 14:37

@CodMouth

Hide a few cans for a day then put them back. Keep doing this until he loses his mind.
Amazing! I would do this...
Tubs11 · 10/03/2021 14:44

if you bough 12 cans of coke 12 days ago and only 1 is left then he is being unreasonable

if you bought 12 cans of coke 2 days ago and only 1 is left then I don't think he is being unreasonable and most likely concerned for your health

iklboo · 10/03/2021 14:45

if you bought 12 cans of coke 2 days ago and only 1 is left then I don't think he is being unreasonable and most likely concerned for your health

There a better ways of putting it than the hectoring 'keeping tabs' version.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 10/03/2021 14:48

if you bought 12 cans of coke 2 days ago and only 1 is left then I don't think he is being unreasonable and most likely concerned for your health

My real point is that he shouldn't even be opening the box to count them - unless he is planning to buy some more. Certainly not to "check up" on how many I am drinking.

And no, I don;t complain about being overweight. It is my problem to deal with in my own way when I feel ready (currently being treated for major depression and on anti-psychotics - this is not the time for me to be dwelling on my weight).

Nor do I comment on his weight or biscuit habit.

OP posts:
lurker69 · 10/03/2021 14:48

@CodMouth

Hide a few cans for a day then put them back. Keep doing this until he loses his mind.
Yes do this!
sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/03/2021 14:51

@Tubs11

if you bough 12 cans of coke 12 days ago and only 1 is left then he is being unreasonable

if you bought 12 cans of coke 2 days ago and only 1 is left then I don't think he is being unreasonable and most likely concerned for your health

He's allowed to be concerned.

He's not allowed to monitor her and treat her like a toddler who's had too many biscuits.

LolaSmiles · 10/03/2021 14:53

People saying 'I would be annoyed with you polishing off all the expensive treats before I got a look in'

The OP says in her first post

For reference, we can afford to buy the stuff, and I am the only person in the house who drinks it, so my consumption is hurting no-one

She also says he comments more broadly than just the fizzy pop, which is why I said that if he's commenting on all areas of her life then she INBU, but if she's regularly eating/drinking lots of the things that others eat then I have sympathy.

In my situation, just because I could afford to keep buying more snacks, doesn't mean I should have to keep buying more because DH was eating them as soon as they entered the house. Thankfully, he also agreed with me and concluded even though we can afford it, it's a ridiculous waste of household money to run a bottomless snack cupboard.

Devlesko · 10/03/2021 14:55

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Anniegetyourgun · 10/03/2021 15:00

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willibald · 10/03/2021 15:04

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VaVaGloom · 10/03/2021 15:05

@RiderGirl

YANBU. I'd say that was controlling behaviour.
I do question my DH about where all the crisps have gone but that's because they are all gone when I want a bag!
maddening · 10/03/2021 15:05

*Pepeleputois

maddening

*DaphneBridgerton

How overweight are you? Does he think he's helping by making you aware of how much fizzy pop you are drinking? If he is genuinely worried for your health then he's entitled to say something*

It is not suddenly fine to do this because a person is overweight.

unless that person is constantly complaining and banging on their excess weight.

At some point adults need to take responsibility*

A - if an overweight person that you live with or love is constantly "banging on" about their weight - or indeed any person is "banging on" about any perceived issue - be it a friend who is in and out of a shit relationship "Banging on" about being treated badly, or a keen runner "banging on" about their shin splints without resting appropriately or seeking medical attention, or any manner of things that upset people without addressing the cause of their issues followed by "banging on" about it to their nearest and dearest, then you say "I am so sorry that xy and z is upsetting you but the only solution I can see is a c b and since we have had this discussion so many times I don't think we can do it again as I have given my advice, there is nothing else I can say. passive aggressive actions are always shit.

B - there is no indication that the ops weight is causing urgent health issues that she needs to be "taken in to hand" by her husband or anyone else.

C - you assume that there is no caveat for the weight, eg that it could be due to something other than over eating

D-even if it is due to over eating why does anyone get to comment? Why does the op drinking a 136 calorie drink a few times a week mean that she is not taking responsibility

E-it is a 136 calorie drink, you have no info that suggests that the ops overall calorie intake and exercise output is in any way irresponsible.

Franklyfrost · 10/03/2021 15:06

I don’t know. That’s a lot of unnecessary stuff you’re drinking, compared to drinking tap/filtered water.

He could be worried about you consuming lots of drinks as it’s a symptom of you struggling with your mental health. It can be tough watching someone you love suffer, if that’s what’s going on. Drinking a tonne of fizzy drinks everyday can be self harm (obviously I’m not talking about having a can of coke every now and then) and you don’t really give much context in your post.

On the other hand he might be putting you down and being a dick. Is he unkind in general?

Fairyliz · 10/03/2021 15:06

Can I ask who does the shopping? In my household it’s usually me buying for 3 adults.
I make a list before I go and try and estimate how much we need for the week. However there’s always something where our consumption varies wildly from week to week. Eg one week we will use about 6 eggs in total, whilst the next week we have used 15 in three days.
In those sort of situations I would do a ‘who has used all of the eggs’ complaint

Gliblet · 10/03/2021 15:07

What's his point?

Seriously - why does he feel the need to count/check/monitor? Every time he comments, ask him what his point is.

Then ask him if he thinks that his counting/checking/monitoring is a productive habit? Is it helping him? Is it helping you? What difference is it actually making?

If he has a need to control something, he can buy a copy of SIMS or a virtual pet. That's not what a marriage is for.

If he wants to help, then he can listen and take on board what you tell him you feel would be helpful.

Anything else is just thoughtless bollocks.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 10/03/2021 15:11

Can I ask who does the shopping?

I order for delivery. Or I order click and collect and one or other of us goes to get it once a week.

OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 10/03/2021 15:14

If it was just about processed/high fat/sugar food then he could argue and say that he’s worried about your health and doesn’t want to lose you early due to complications of being overweight.

If it’s about anything then he’s controlling for no other reason!!

Rainbowdino · 10/03/2021 15:14

My DH does this, drives me fucking mad.
I’ve told him not to comment on my food or drink!