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Original poster

To tell my daughter she's passed 11+ even if she doesn't?

660 replies

Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 12:01

DD2 will take 11+ in September. She's a lovely, funny, bright child, but not as academic as DD1 who got an extremely high 11+ score and is at grammar school.

Our options here are grammar or private. State is absolutely awful (this isn't a comment on all state schools at all, just the ones we have access to which are in the failing category). I would never send her to our state options.

I've already told her that she'll sit 11+ and private school entrance tests and then we as parents will decide which one is best for her needs, and that grammar school isn't right for everyone. She really wants to go to grammar.

If she doesn't pass 11+ I'm planning on telling her she did and that we just decided to send her to the private school. Is that terrible? It will obviously involve maintaining the lie, potentially even when she's an adult if it ever comes up. There's no way she'll find out.

I think she may well pass, but if not I just don't think a 10 year old needs to be feeling that they've 'failed' at this stage. Or that they are less capable than their older sibling, which I know will hurt. DD is a really lovely, kind and caring child and in many ways more well rounded than her super academic sister. She's also sensitive and a worrier and it's the kind of thing that will affect her self esteem for years. I'd tell her she passed by a few points (not make up some super high score). She'll definitely get into the private school, no question, and be happy there.

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 10/03/2021 22:41

My sister took 11+ and went to grammar school. I refused to take the test as I didn't want to be the sibling that failed! I did fine in a normal school. In fact my parents felt I probably had a more well rounded world view than my sister as grammar schools mostly have posh kids in

velocitykate · 10/03/2021 22:42

Please don't lie to your daughter. You say she trusts you to choose what is best for her in terms of what school she goes to. If you lie to her, you betray that trust. If she ever finds out (and I'm afraid I don't share your unshakeable belief that she won't for a variety of reasons) she will never trust you again ad it could permanently damage your relationship.

If you're happy to take that risk - go ahead, but instead, how about trusting her to manage what life throws at her and not projecting your younger self onto her?

My Mum did similar to me (Not over 11+, but over "protecting me" from something that I later found out about). It really damaged our relationship. I never felt I could trust her after that which meat that I couldn't talk to her about anything either

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 10/03/2021 22:45

If she ever finds out (and I think it's pretty likely), she won't trust you ever again.

XelaM · 10/03/2021 22:45

@Incogweeto
"I honestly think passing the test means much, MUCH more to her than actually going to the school. Having both options and us choosing one I really think will be fine with her. But knowing she 'had' to go with that option as the other wasn't open to her will make her see her excellent option - and herself - very negatively."

This is how my daughter thinks! She honestly couldn't be bothered which school she went to, but didn't want to disappoint me/my very academic family by failing. She did end up getting 5 offers, which massively boosted her confidence and she completely left the choice between the schools up to me

Mischance · 10/03/2021 22:47

I find it hard to believe that any parent would seriously consider breaking the trust that is so important in all relationships, but especially parent/child. It is a truly shocking idea.

I have 3 DDs and can promise you that there will be tricky times ahead in your DDs' teen years, and the only thing that you have to cling on to during the those difficult times is the trust that you have built up between you. You jettison this at your (and her) peril.

NoseinBook3 · 10/03/2021 22:47

Hmm.

I think (if she doesn’t pass) then I would say they didn’t have enough spaces this year and that they were over subscribed

NoseinBook3 · 10/03/2021 22:49

And what about a tutor? Say it’s because schools been closed so much

Mydogmylife · 10/03/2021 22:54

Please , please don't lie, and don't project how you would gave felt in this situation

RhubarbCustardy · 10/03/2021 22:55

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Let her decide whether she wants to take the exam. If she fails just say it wasn't to be that she goes to that school. We all experience disappointment in life. It's character building. If she fails, it's how you react to it that depend on how she feels about it. If she failed but you lied, what would you do if she then said she wanted to go to that school? Then you'd get blamed from stopping her going there. That's worse.

Bumpsadaisie · 10/03/2021 22:57

I think real strength in life is being able to face and adapt oneself to reality, rather than expecting reality to adapt to you.

In other words to know and tolerate oneself as one truly is, and to understand one's place in the world as the world truly is in reality.

If you tell her she has passed when she hasn't you are distorting reality and truth to adapt to (what you believe to be) the person she is (ie someone who can't with support handle disappointment).

Sadly your daughter as she grows is going to have to adapt herself to reality many many times, and this is as good a place to start learning as any.

It is painful but ultimately it is much better for your mental and emotional strength to be able to adapt yourself to reality rather than expecting it to be the other way round.

AlexaShutUp · 10/03/2021 23:05

Great post @Bumpsadaisie

Snowball70 · 10/03/2021 23:07

ask yourself this OP. If your own Mum did this with you how would you feel, finding out years after the event.

If you do hide a 'Fail', you would have to keep the secret close, and tell nobody. No telling her sister who in years to come would through it at her in a potential argument etc.

either way OP you sound like a lovely kind supportive Mum, good luck to you and your Daughter for her test.

She might just surprise you 🌺

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 10/03/2021 23:10

It's a shitty message for an adolescent girl
'We felt you wouldn't be able to cope so we lied to you.'
Sends out a message
'You are not resilient. You cannot cope.
Failing an exam is shameful and must be covered up and lied about.'

It's already a bit of a hard thing to cope with being compared to your more academic older sister but you are undermining your own message that different abilities are equally valid if you lie. Why would you need to lie and cover up and save her from the shame if it was true that both outcomes are fine?

It seems she is already putting a tonne of pressure on herself and that comes from somewhere at age 10. She wants to please you and she believes you will be more pleased if she gets into the grammar and proves she is clever and as good as DD1.

You have to somehow let her know that it isn't as important to pass this exam as she thinks. You will still love her and think she's a success either way. I hope there's stuff she can be better than DD1 at and that she gets to do that.

Wearywithteens · 10/03/2021 23:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Decoqueen · 10/03/2021 23:12

Does your child want to be considered for grammar?

They don't have to sit 11+

Think about the type of school that would suit your child

Decoqueen · 10/03/2021 23:18

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

No it does not - terrible saying.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 23:20

@Snowball70

ask yourself this OP. If your own Mum did this with you how would you feel, finding out years after the event.

If you do hide a 'Fail', you would have to keep the secret close, and tell nobody. No telling her sister who in years to come would through it at her in a potential argument etc.

either way OP you sound like a lovely kind supportive Mum, good luck to you and your Daughter for her test.

She might just surprise you 🌺

Really interesting question. I think it would partly depend how things had turned out. Hopefully I'd think 'Oh well that was meant to be!' or 'I'm glad I thought I'd passed - I'd have been gutted then but now I don't care at all'. But there's a chance I'd feel betrayed and that I'd had my agency taken away.
OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 10/03/2021 23:20

Honestly I would actually rather my child went to an 'awful' 'failing' state school than that I hothouse them with endless exam prep and tutors and make them scared of being a failure at age 11.
The rates of anorexia in selective private girls schools are enough in themselves to put me off wanting that for my DD.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 23:23

@CovoidOfAllHumanity

It's a shitty message for an adolescent girl 'We felt you wouldn't be able to cope so we lied to you.' Sends out a message 'You are not resilient. You cannot cope. Failing an exam is shameful and must be covered up and lied about.'

It's already a bit of a hard thing to cope with being compared to your more academic older sister but you are undermining your own message that different abilities are equally valid if you lie. Why would you need to lie and cover up and save her from the shame if it was true that both outcomes are fine?

It seems she is already putting a tonne of pressure on herself and that comes from somewhere at age 10. She wants to please you and she believes you will be more pleased if she gets into the grammar and proves she is clever and as good as DD1.

You have to somehow let her know that it isn't as important to pass this exam as she thinks. You will still love her and think she's a success either way. I hope there's stuff she can be better than DD1 at and that she gets to do that.

There's some truth in this, although I hope that it would be a non issue as she's unlikely to find out.

But I do get what you're saying about telling her she hasn't passed and that it's fine is actually a clear message that I really mean it about it being fine that she's less academic and that she's loved either way.

Fortunately(?!) DD1 may be academic but is definitely far far harder work so DD2 knows that it's not a golden child vs second fiddle situation.

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 10/03/2021 23:35

Only you know your dd and how she would feel if she knew that she had failed. Would it better if she didn’t take it and just went to the private school? I don’t see the harm in keeping the truth from her if she did fail. How on earth would she find out? You do what you think is best and ignore all of us!

81Byerley · 10/03/2021 23:40

Much better to have a conversation about how these things don't matter much.

ddl1 · 10/03/2021 23:43

One other point, possibly getting slightly off-topic: while you are understandably concerned about preserving dd2's confidence, I think it's important to also keep an eye on dd1. It's not always the case that 'the academic one' is the most confident. I was an academic kid, but had some undiagnosed visual-motor difficulties which sometimes affected me socially and especially physically. People sometimes thought that I was just narrowly preoccupied with academic things, and valued them above other things, whereas nothing could have been further from the truth and I would infinitely have preferred to be less good academically and not had the other problems. I think that that it's just as important that dd1 doesn;t grow up to see herself as 'academically able but hard work, and not well-rounded enough'' as that dd2 doesn't grow up to see herself as 'an academic failure'. (To avoid possible confusion, my username does not come from being, having, or identifying with, a 'dd1', but is actually based on a local politician some years ago, who used to make constant sneering references to 'deficit denying lefties'!)

rosiejaune · 10/03/2021 23:45

Why would you gaslight your own child?!

partyatthepalace · 10/03/2021 23:48

I think if she wants to go to the Grammar and ends up at the indie she’s going to figure out she didn’t pass, probably 11 then certainly as a teen. If you wouldn’t send her to the grammar anyway I wouldn’t put her in for it.

Beyond all this I do think everyone has to learn to deal with the realities of life, and while you may feel you are protecting her by not telling her, you aren’t helping her to grow and build resilience.

kittycorner · 10/03/2021 23:59

I won't comment on lying I totally understand why you are thinking about this. But I will say I think it's ridiculous that children's futures are brought to a pass/fail at age 10/11. Such an archaic system.