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Original poster

To tell my daughter she's passed 11+ even if she doesn't?

660 replies

Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 12:01

DD2 will take 11+ in September. She's a lovely, funny, bright child, but not as academic as DD1 who got an extremely high 11+ score and is at grammar school.

Our options here are grammar or private. State is absolutely awful (this isn't a comment on all state schools at all, just the ones we have access to which are in the failing category). I would never send her to our state options.

I've already told her that she'll sit 11+ and private school entrance tests and then we as parents will decide which one is best for her needs, and that grammar school isn't right for everyone. She really wants to go to grammar.

If she doesn't pass 11+ I'm planning on telling her she did and that we just decided to send her to the private school. Is that terrible? It will obviously involve maintaining the lie, potentially even when she's an adult if it ever comes up. There's no way she'll find out.

I think she may well pass, but if not I just don't think a 10 year old needs to be feeling that they've 'failed' at this stage. Or that they are less capable than their older sibling, which I know will hurt. DD is a really lovely, kind and caring child and in many ways more well rounded than her super academic sister. She's also sensitive and a worrier and it's the kind of thing that will affect her self esteem for years. I'd tell her she passed by a few points (not make up some super high score). She'll definitely get into the private school, no question, and be happy there.

OP posts:
Dobbyismyfavourite · 10/03/2021 21:25

I understand that you want to protect your DD from being upset should she not pass the 11+ but your job as a parent is to manage your DD's disappointment. If she passes fantastic if not be sympathetic but disappointment is part of life and children need to learn how to manage these feelings and move on from them.

I live in an area where it feels like the only subject in year 5/6 is the 11+ so I do understand but perhaps you need to be more honest with your DD and manage her expectations. Just because a child doesn't pass the 11+ does not mean they will not succeed academically. Plus you have private schooling as a back up, which many children don't have that choice.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:28

[quote Sinuhe]@Incogweeto how will you explain to both DD's as to why they are not at the same school?
Maybe your older DD will feel left out because she isn't receiving a private education?
Plus, do you really think so little of your children that they won't be able to work it out for themselves sooner or later?[/quote]
Older DD was offered a scholarship to private school and turned it down. I agreed with her choice as the grammar is better for her.

I think a lot of my children but we do tend to just accept what our parents tell us when we are 10.

OP posts:
dottiedaisee · 10/03/2021 21:29

Do not enter your poor daughter into the 11+ if you think she is unlikely to pass...all that unnecessary stress is awful!
I did pass my 11+ but my parents still sent me to a private school...the resentment I felt was immeasurable...just don’t do it !

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:32

@Cuesday

I think there's a good chance that your older child will resent not having been sent to private school. How are you going to explain to both children why you spent a vast amount of money on the 2nd child, and didn't even discuss the option of private school with your 1st child? There will always be a question mark in the minds of your children and the wider family about why you made that decision. They will talk about it behind your back. And everyone will think you're idiots when they find out what happened.
I've said this a few times but my older child was offered a scholarship to private school and turned it down. She adamantly wanted to go to grammar and I agreed it was best for her. There's another entry point to the private school later and I recently asked if she was tempted to see if there was still a place on offer for her and got thoroughly eyerolled at and told there's no way she's going.

As for the wider family - couldn't care less what anyone thinks about the choices we make for our children or how they 'talk about it behind my back' or 'think I'm an idiot' - though I don't think either of these things are likely tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:33

@dottiedaisee

Do not enter your poor daughter into the 11+ if you think she is unlikely to pass...all that unnecessary stress is awful! I did pass my 11+ but my parents still sent me to a private school...the resentment I felt was immeasurable...just don’t do it !
It's not that I think she's unlikely to pass, I just don't think it's a clear-cut thing the way it was with her sister. She won't ace it, but may well pass.
OP posts:
Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:35

@XelaM

OP - having JUST been through the 11+ process- do exactly as you planned. It's a great idea, preserves her confidence and she will never find out.

People on this thread have either never been through this process or just like to make other people's children feel like crap for the sake of "resilience"

Thank you, interesting to hear from someone who has just been through the process.

It's all done online here and nobody would know bar me and my DH.

Though the poster who said how would I feel if she does 11+ with her own children is an interesting angle I hadn't considered!

OP posts:
Hangingover · 10/03/2021 21:36

I don't see what's wrong with failing the 11+ tbh. Prepares you for missing out of top marks, not getting the job etc.

Hangingover · 10/03/2021 21:37

And I say that as someone who was quite good at things as a child and failing 11+ was my first experience of failure.

AlexaShutUp · 10/03/2021 21:38

I think a lot of my children but we do tend to just accept what our parents tell us when we are 10.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. An intelligent 10yo is more than capable of thinking critically about what their parents tell them. Please don't underestimate your dd's capacity to think for herself.

How will you explain your choice of the private school for dd over and above the grammar? I mean, what will you tell her are the reasons for your decision?

AlexaShutUp · 10/03/2021 21:40

I don't see what's wrong with failing the 11+ tbh. Prepares you for missing out of top marks, not getting the job etc.

I agree that it isn't a big deal at all if it is handled appropriately. Where the parents' own hang-ups about failure start to influence the way it is handled, then it is more damaging.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:41

Thank you for your lovely post @Ibelieveinyou

I think the problem is that I just really dislike the system. I'm not from England so this is my first experience of it. I wish there was just a good non-selective local school, but there isn't.

OP posts:
Hangingover · 10/03/2021 21:42

True. My parents basically said it was worth a try but to remember they only take a few of the very cleverest people so not to worry if I didn't make it.

1Morewineplease · 10/03/2021 21:43

I'm assuming that you live in Kent where the 11+ is part of mainstream primary.
It's so hard. If you do live in Kent then , if you don't want your child to fail then send her privately. But your other child will question why.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:44

@AlexaShutUp

I think a lot of my children but we do tend to just accept what our parents tell us when we are 10.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. An intelligent 10yo is more than capable of thinking critically about what their parents tell them. Please don't underestimate your dd's capacity to think for herself.

How will you explain your choice of the private school for dd over and above the grammar? I mean, what will you tell her are the reasons for your decision?

There's lots that the private school has that the grammar doesn't have, so plenty of selling points that we can say have swayed us. I still personally prefer the grammar (just in terms of ethos, the attitude of the children I met on our tour - pre covid, the feel of the place etc) but certainly the private is scarily impressive and wouldn't be hard to say it was 'better'.
OP posts:
Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:44

@Hangingover

True. My parents basically said it was worth a try but to remember they only take a few of the very cleverest people so not to worry if I didn't make it.
I like that nice, casual explanation. I'm going to store that one up in my mind too.
OP posts:
KarmaStar · 10/03/2021 21:47

Don't be ridiculous..
To lie to your daughter?tell her she has achieved something that she hasn't and her reward is to not be allowed to go to the one school she really wants to attend?
What is that teaching her?..that you are a liar and your word means nothing.
Not achieving something is something we all face in life at one time or another and now is as good a time as any other to find that out.
Don't patronize her or compare her in any way to dd1,allow her to grow into the beautiful soul she is by being honest.don't take away her trust in you you'll never be able to explain it to her without her feeling you think she's not quite good enough.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 21:47

Sorry about the confusion with the very similar thread. It's quite nice to know someone had a similar dilemma to me though!

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 10/03/2021 21:50

There's lots that the private school has that the grammar doesn't have, so plenty of selling points that we can say have swayed us. I still personally prefer the grammar (just in terms of ethos, the attitude of the children I met on our tour - pre covid, the feel of the place etc) but certainly the private is scarily impressive and wouldn't be hard to say it was 'better'.

I guess what I was asking was how you'd make the case that it was "better" for dd2 when the grammar school was clearly "better" for dd1. Are there specific things about the private school which would obviously suit dd2 which wouldn't have been relevant for dd1?

Dobbyismyfavourite · 10/03/2021 21:50

Just read your updates OP. I know this will be an unpopular opinion but the 11+ test in our area does need practise for exam technique. When my DD took her test the timings were really tight, 45 seconds per question. So if you didn't know the question you have to move on. Have you considered a tutor for a term for exam technique as many taking the test will have been tutored, yes I know its not fair. If your DD only just passes with some tuition then perhaps a grammar school is not a suitable fit. On the other hand if she passes with a respectable/high score in all three papers then you have the option of grammar or private.

I would approach it that your DD should prepare for 11+ to hopefully have options but pass or not the decision on where she goes to school will ultimately be made by you and DH/P.

Nith · 10/03/2021 21:51

I would be concerned about whether her sister may make things complicated. If she was so keen on knowing her own score, won't she push DD2 for what her score was? Might one or both of them want to see the letter? I know I would have, at that age. And, if DD1 was so adamant that the grammar school is better than the private one, might she not influence DD2 so that, whether or not she pesters to take the grammar school place, DD2 will feel she's inferior?

Howshouldibehave · 10/03/2021 21:53

If she speaks to friends who pass and are excited about going to the grammar, wouldn’t she tell them she’d also passed and be excited that she was going to be with them??

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 22:00

@Nith

I would be concerned about whether her sister may make things complicated. If she was so keen on knowing her own score, won't she push DD2 for what her score was? Might one or both of them want to see the letter? I know I would have, at that age. And, if DD1 was so adamant that the grammar school is better than the private one, might she not influence DD2 so that, whether or not she pesters to take the grammar school place, DD2 will feel she's inferior?
I've actually had to speak to DD1 and ask her to try to rein in her natural competitiveness be supportive of DD2 and the fact she's different to DD1 and help her to not feel bad if she doesn't get into grammar. The one DD2 wants to go to is a different one to the one DD1 is at and has a lower qualifying score but the test is the same one. Yes, they'll both definitely want to know the score. DD2 probably wouldn't have known much about it but DD1 was very sharp and knew the whole process inside out and was ready to know exactly what she got. She even made herself a spreadsheet to try to calculate her score based on what she remembered from the test... (She underestimated it by 13 points.)
OP posts:
bluedillydillys · 10/03/2021 22:01

I would lie if you're sure she won't find out. You know her best and if you think it will effect her confidence then it probably will. Also if you know she will feel concerned about the money, she may feel guilty and blame herself every time you mention money/can't afford a luxury.

Fingers crossed she will pass and get a great confidence boost Smile

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 10/03/2021 22:01

Shame the 11+ has not been cancelled due to Covid really. I mean surely it's an outdated exam that divides children into false 'bright' and 'not bright' categories. They are far too young for it to mean anything yet it has such potential to destroy confidence. I'd probably tell her the results, but wether she passes or not make sure that she knows it's not an important exam, that most 11 year olds don't even sit it and that the results will have no bearing on how well she'll do in life. No need for children to feel such pressure at this age.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 22:01

@Dobbyismyfavourite

Just read your updates OP. I know this will be an unpopular opinion but the 11+ test in our area does need practise for exam technique. When my DD took her test the timings were really tight, 45 seconds per question. So if you didn't know the question you have to move on. Have you considered a tutor for a term for exam technique as many taking the test will have been tutored, yes I know its not fair. If your DD only just passes with some tuition then perhaps a grammar school is not a suitable fit. On the other hand if she passes with a respectable/high score in all three papers then you have the option of grammar or private.

I would approach it that your DD should prepare for 11+ to hopefully have options but pass or not the decision on where she goes to school will ultimately be made by you and DH/P.

She's not having any formal tuition but we are doing some work on the questions (same as I did with DD1) so that she is used to the format and what's being expected of her. This will include doing a couple of mocks as well. Last time we did an official mock where we went to a place, but I don't think thats happening due to covid.
OP posts: