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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my daughter she's passed 11+ even if she doesn't?

660 replies

Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 12:01

DD2 will take 11+ in September. She's a lovely, funny, bright child, but not as academic as DD1 who got an extremely high 11+ score and is at grammar school.

Our options here are grammar or private. State is absolutely awful (this isn't a comment on all state schools at all, just the ones we have access to which are in the failing category). I would never send her to our state options.

I've already told her that she'll sit 11+ and private school entrance tests and then we as parents will decide which one is best for her needs, and that grammar school isn't right for everyone. She really wants to go to grammar.

If she doesn't pass 11+ I'm planning on telling her she did and that we just decided to send her to the private school. Is that terrible? It will obviously involve maintaining the lie, potentially even when she's an adult if it ever comes up. There's no way she'll find out.

I think she may well pass, but if not I just don't think a 10 year old needs to be feeling that they've 'failed' at this stage. Or that they are less capable than their older sibling, which I know will hurt. DD is a really lovely, kind and caring child and in many ways more well rounded than her super academic sister. She's also sensitive and a worrier and it's the kind of thing that will affect her self esteem for years. I'd tell her she passed by a few points (not make up some super high score). She'll definitely get into the private school, no question, and be happy there.

OP posts:
NatalieH2220 · 10/03/2021 18:42

Don't lie. If those tests or anything like they used to be they are not a very good indication in my view. I passed mine but I was most definitely not the brightest person. I was just good at and enjoyed those kind of tests. If you lie she's going to feel like she has done something wrong if/when she finds out and she hasn't. Everyone has strengths in different areas.

AlexaShutUp · 10/03/2021 18:47

The other thing to consider, OP, given that you have said that private school fees will be a stretch for your family, is that both of your dc may resent your decision to "waste" money on school fees when a perfectly decent grammar school was available, if it means missing out on other things, like nice holidays, extracurricular opportunities etc. Do you have enough of a financial cushion to ensure that your dc won't notice any sacrifices that you're making to cover the cost of going private? Teenagers are expensive...

Imapotato · 10/03/2021 18:48

The other thing is, because she's sweet and bright, she may well realise that if she doesn't pass 11+ we are going to have to spend a lot of money on her education and she will feel bad about that as she knows we are not rolling in it. I don't want her to take on any responsibility for that so the 'lie' would absolve her of responsibility for the expense.

I do always wonder on these sort of threads whether all the state schools in the area are really that bad. I mean some school are bad, but the vast majority, even those in special measures are actually fine. I think a lot of people get put off schools by, often out of date, information.

Dd1s school was the less desirable of the two schools on our side of town when she started in y7, it was requires improvement at the time, but is now rated good (she’s now in y11) has taken over as most peoples school of choice.

I wouldn’t necessarily discount the local state schools.

SchrodingersUnicorn · 10/03/2021 18:49

This is a terrible idea, and I say this as a teacher. We need to teach our kids to fail well, it is such an important life skill and cosseting them like this from failure is really not in their interests. I see so many teenagers who have no resilience and are 'snowflaky' for want of a better word and it is precisely this kind of thing that makes them like this. Be honest with her however she does.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 18:51

@VintageStitchers

Definitely lie if you think she’ll be negatively affected by being labelled a failure at such a young age.

LOL at ‘learning resilience’. Utter bollocks.

I previously worked in HE for many years and I’ve lost count of the number of bright capable mature students who tell me they failed the 11+ and felt so demoralised that they stopped trying. They only came back into learning at a later date, mostly by chance.

That's worrying.

Thanks for your perspective too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 18:57

@Ilovemaisie

Author Jacqueline Wilson 'failed' the 11+ much to the shock of her parents, teachers and friends. However at 19 she was working for one of the UK's most famous publishers. She went on to write over a 100 books and is still writing in her 70s. She was the UK's Children's Laureate and is a Dame. Pretty good for someone who 'failed'.
That's a fab little nugget of info! She adores J.W so I will store this up in case. Thank you.
OP posts:
en0la · 10/03/2021 18:57

If she doesn't have the resilience to cope with not getting a high enough score for a place then don't put her in for it. If she's bright she will do well academically at whatever school she goes to. My dc were capable of going to grammar school, their teachers suggested it but they didn't want to go and asked to go to the local state school, they did and really thrived there.

DdraigGoch · 10/03/2021 18:58

Don't lie. Stretch the truth and avoid the question by all means but don't risk losing her trust. Answers can include "we were very proud of how much effort you put in", "you did very well in X" (ignoring Y where she didn't do so well), "we think you're really going to do well in [private school].

Roszie · 10/03/2021 18:58

I would tell the teacher if you do this, kids talk about who has passed and failed and you don't want any misunderstandings if they ask the teacher.

Obviously they shouldn't say but I've been asked by children if it's true that x passed and although I wouldn't answer colleagues have.

Cuesday · 10/03/2021 19:01

I think it's an insane plan. A really stupid and horrible thing to do to your DD. Astonishing that you're even considering telling her a lie that you'll need to keep up for the rest of your lives. She'll go to a nice private school, not a crap secondary modern, so no, of course failing the exam won't mean that she's demoralised and does no work for the rest of her time at school. She'll get stuck into the private school, develop her strengths and get good exam results. If you want, you can transfer her to the grammar school for 6th form, as they always seem to have lots of space at that stage.

crayolacom · 10/03/2021 19:06

@Cuesday

This exact post was on here last year. The consensus was that this was a really terrible idea.
Yes I remember this
MsSavouryPancake · 10/03/2021 19:07

I wouldn't lie to her . However , if you do and she finds out , are you going to tell her you were able to cushion the blow from a completely elitist, discriminatory system with an even more completely elitist , discriminatory system ?

juice92 · 10/03/2021 19:45

I honestly think you should tell the truth. If she failed ofcourse she would be upset/disappointed but she would learn that failing is not the end of the world and know how to pick herself up and dust herself off.

I have siblings that were brought up in a different household to me where they were never told that they had failed or done badly at anything. They are not very resilient adults.

Original poster
Incogweeto · 10/03/2021 19:46

I wouldn't lie to her . However , if you do and she finds out , are you going to tell her you were able to cushion the blow from a completely elitist, discriminatory system with an even more completely elitist , discriminatory system ?

Well firstly she won’t find out unless my husband or I tell her. It’s all online and nobody will know but us. I don’t imagine it will come up much in conversation if at all.

Secondly, I probably won’t use that exact phrasing, no. I’ll say I did my best to give her the best opportunities in life, as most parents do.

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 10/03/2021 19:53

Being lied about something that is obviously important to her and you, by the people she should be able to trust, respect and relay on is awful.

Sinuhe · 10/03/2021 19:59

@Incogweeto how will you explain to both DD's as to why they are not at the same school?
Maybe your older DD will feel left out because she isn't receiving a private education?
Plus, do you really think so little of your children that they won't be able to work it out for themselves sooner or later?

XelaM · 10/03/2021 20:06

OP - having JUST been through the 11+ process- do exactly as you planned. It's a great idea, preserves her confidence and she will never find out.

People on this thread have either never been through this process or just like to make other people's children feel like crap for the sake of "resilience"

XelaM · 10/03/2021 20:09

@Sinuhe I went to a grammar (or grammar-equivalent in Germany) and my younger brother was privately educated because my parents worried he wouldn't cut it at grammar. There has never been any animosity/envy between either of is and my brother ended up acing school and went on to get a First from Cambridge and a Phd from Harvard. I am just super proud of him. He also showed absolutely no promise that he would achieve such academic heights when he was in primary Grin

Cuesday · 10/03/2021 20:22

I think there's a good chance that your older child will resent not having been sent to private school. How are you going to explain to both children why you spent a vast amount of money on the 2nd child, and didn't even discuss the option of private school with your 1st child? There will always be a question mark in the minds of your children and the wider family about why you made that decision. They will talk about it behind your back. And everyone will think you're idiots when they find out what happened.

Miffycat14 · 10/03/2021 20:22

Don't lie, you will have to keep it up for the rest of your life. In 30-ish years if your daughter is entering her children to the 11+ exam, how are you going to feel continuing the pretence? Put your efforts into building up her self esteem, resilience and allow her to be proud of who she is.

I have 2 children who got into grammar, 1 didn't. It hasn't really mattered, and the one who didn't get in did well in her GCSEs and was really happy at high school.

gavisconismyfriend · 10/03/2021 20:25

Explain to her well in advance that exams only measure a snapshot of what you know and they only measure how you do on that day. Sometimes people have a bad day and the exam doesn’t go their way,

AlexaShutUp · 10/03/2021 20:41

People on this thread have either never been through this process or just like to make other people's children feel like crap for the sake of "resilience"

You assume wrong. I went through this process as a kid, even though I am still reluctant to admit it. Failed the 11+ and was sent to the local comp. My parents never told me that I'd failed, but I wasn't an idiot and I worked it out. The test was never mentioned. I knew that they were trying to protect me by not talking about it, but that just made me feel so much worse. I sincerely wish that they had had the courage to talk to me about it and reassure me that it wasn't such a big deal. I learned to see failure as something awful and unspeakable, instead of just accepting it as a normal, natural part of human endeavour.

It didn't do me any harm fwiw. The local comp turned out to be rather good. I actually did better in my GCSEs than my primary school best friend who went to the grammar (having crammed for the 11+ exam for four years, as it turned out!) and then went on to Cambridge etc. However the 11+ failure stuck with me for much longer than it should have done precisely because nobody helped me to frame it positively and put it into perspective.

Kids don't learn much just by failing and not talking about it, but they can learn a huge amount if someone helps them to process it and learn from it!

saraclara · 10/03/2021 20:47

@RootyT00t

I swear I've seen this thread before
RTFT. The other thread has already been linked and it's nothing to do with the OP of this one.
RootyT00t · 10/03/2021 20:52

Thanks Sara

Iggly · 10/03/2021 20:56

Putting her in for the 11+ means that there was always a risk she wouldn’t pass.

It depends o.man how you’ve spoken about it, have you made a big deal already etc - if so, then that’s how she will react to failing. So it’s for you to model appropriately. Stay calm and demonstrate that you love her regardless of her results (and don’t say that!).

She shouldn’t feel any guilt about the choices you made as parents.

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