DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

*quiet. It’s such a shame to waste that beautiful space by not using it.

I wonder if he enjoys working from bed because it's sort of naughty, and helps him to feel it's not really work? Like secretly having a day off, yet getting all the work done at the same time.

He might envy you having more time at home than he does, and this could be his way of really making the most of being there while the current WFH situation lasts.

Re you not using the outside office, it sounds as though you consider it HIS space which is why you're not relaxing and enjoying it for yourself.

If I'm right, then you could maybe do a swap that makes you both happy: "his" office is now your chillout zone, without fear of interruption... and he is free to use the bed all day, as long as he ... ??? tidies, airs the room and changes the sheets afterwards?

Sounds like you need to stake your territories and set some clear rules, but I don't see why you can't both find happiness in the current situation as long as you both think deeply about what you really want and why. Good luck!

I would say

'DH I need regular access to the bedroom during the day, can you let me the night before if you are not going to use your office'

Then ask him every night if he will be using his office the next day because you need to (eg, clear out wardrobes, clean the floor, declutter cupboards, change the sheets, clean the woodwork, repaint, clean curtains, have a nap) - whatever you feel like, just have something you want to do every day in there

After a week say how much better he seems having a daily routine of getting up and working in an office and say you think he should continue this as it is also helping you to make sure stuff gets done while he is working

Alternatively, go upstairs now and say ' I would prefer it if you would work in your office as I often need access to the bedroom during the day'

@Anordinarymum

When all else fails extreme measures have to be implemented. Men are like children

All else hasn't failed though. It reads as though OP hasn't even yet broached this with her DH in a conversation.

You're married. He is your husband. Just TELL HIM! Bat off any victim mode mopings - it's not about that. Just be blunt. If this was my husband I would say ' you need to get out of bed you lazy oaf and use the bloody cabin we had built. I just need some time completely alone and there's no need for you to be lounging in bed day after day. PLEASE for the love of GOD, go and use your own space. Time spent here cooped up with you always 'around' is not doing me any good at all.'

It would be words to that effect. I'd also tell him not to pull any sad faced stunts either. This isn't about his childhood, it's about him utilising a space that cost you both a lot of money and you being entitled to a break from him.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't see the need for it. YOU DO and you matter

@Hallyup5

Yeah I'm a full time carer to an autistic child (above school age so at home) too, plus two under 4 and two older children, so I get that you can't work. That wasn't the point of my post. I appreciate you work hard.

All I'm saying is cut the guy some slack. He's bringing money in, he's not sleeping. Just go somewhere else and stop stressing about it. You'll feel much better.

You don't need to put up with crap just because you don't work.

Show him a photo of a dust mite, they build up in bedding and mattresses if they don't cool down during the day. That's why it's best to air the bedding and the bed and not keep a sweaty man in it 24/7. Good luck, he totally needs to be using his office space. He'll find he's more productive out there too. We have a summerhouse build by my dh (builder) has an office for me and a gaming room for kids, a loo and a shed bit that's accessed from the side. I love it. I've missed it so much the last 3m as couldn't sit out there while kids homeschooling in here as yougest requires constant attention. I'm not out there today though as it's turned into a dumping ground, tackling it tomorrow and retaking my space.

I'd just go and say that he needs to get out of bed now because you're changing the sheets. Then go the whole jog by standing the mattress up so it gets an airing.

Just breezily day 'switch the heating on in you're office now so the room will have warmed up by the time you get there. Oh, and make me a cup of tea please'. Then crack on stripping the bed.

I will cry tears off joy when my husband goes back to the office for a couple of days a week.

[quote Lorieandrews]**@AmberItsACertainty

That’s such a sad thing to read. My husband is wonderful. He’s such a kind hard working man. Who even after many years tells me I’m beautiful every single day. It’s so sad that you’ve yet to meet anyone who is nice at all

I do agree with you about some women though. We HAVE t be in couples. Otherwise we’d die out. I also think for someone to love you. You’ve got to like yourself at least and that’s where the problems lie. I feel so many men have beaten women down so that they feel and are vulnerable and that where the bad people as such come into play. Who prey on those vulnerable women. That’s the ones you hear of. For example I’ve never made a post about my husband. I don’t need too. I feel social media is a curse. People trying to either love their lives so much or try to downplay them. There doesn’t seem to be much in between[/quote]
She said she's happy being single. Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone can be content like that? There's nothing "sad" about what @AmberItsACertainty wrote. At all.

So he's decamped inside and there is a building in your garden with a sofa bed but neither of you are using it. Instead you're posting on MN about your unhappiness and he's working from the bedroom not realising that you're stewing.
It all sounds deeply dysfunctional. Do you always have petty battles over wanting the same space even when other spaces are available? It sounds as though he didn't put you out of the bedroom. You weren't using the bedroom during the day. Now he is using it during the day, you want to use it too.
But it's not about having your own space because the garden room/office gives you that.
And it's not about wanting a bed because the garden room/office gives you that.
It's about fighting over the one single space that someone is in rather than using another space that is available.
Hopefully you're just struggling with lockdown because if this is a real example of your communication style and relationship dynamic then you need some kind of counselling.

Wow, the guy is working and bringing money into the house

God I hate attitudes like this. Like his money contribution is all that matters and she should be grateful and obliging, and her labour in looking after the house and kids is nothing at all, so she should have not demands or entitlement of her own. Not even a couple of hours to herself.

He still can't use a laundry basket for his clothes so I think this concept is a bit beyond him.
He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to

You know you have much bigger problems here that the office right?

the guy is working and bringing money into the house

OMG adult parent does paid work. Obviously they must be crowned king the household and all others must pander to their every need

I hope you can talk to him tonight and tell him what you need. It's up to him if he gets defensive, takes it personally or feels a certain way about it. What about your feelings?

think you need to be direct with him.
'why did we spend £30k on a bespoke garden office if you don't intend to go there? I wouldn't normally mind you using our bedroom but you have a fancy office for this exact purpose and I need our bedroom for a lie down now and again. That office is YOURS. This room is OURS. '

I would absolutely make the shed into MY space, box all his stuff up and tell him you're now using the shed for some relaxation time as you need a break. Tbh if he gets aggressive with this then your really do have an issue, he can't have the whole house to himself and leave nothing for you .

By the way I have the same at the bottom of my garden and love it, it's not only my office buy a space I go to, to get a bit of quiet time out of office hours

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow

take over the office, make it your she shed...a She'd if you will

get a sofa bed, blankets, candles...and fart into your own duvet.

This is what I would do.

And if necessary, i'd shift his stuff into boxes and bung them somewhere tht he would keep hitting his shins on them.

Is your husband ok?
I find it a bit strange that he’s working from his bed everyday.
Could be a bit down or depressed?

YANBU. Drive him out! I’d be going in and out of the room all day making comments like ‘It stinks in here’ and opening a window. I know that’s passive aggressive but hey ho. What’s his weakness? I’d try them all.
‘Oh you’ll get a bad back slouched in bed all day’.
‘I think you should go for a walk later, you could get sores sitting in bed all day’.
‘Maybe we should look at renting the space on the garden out as it’s not being used’.
Etc etc.

I also don't understand why you haven't been using the garden office as yours while he hasn't been. If it were me, I'd have been in there after the first week of him working in bed with my laptop and crochet and biscuits. It sounds lovely! He can hardly complain if he's not using it, can he?

What's wrong with that solution? Surely better than passive-aggressively trying to get him out of bed by hoovering around him, and you don't seem keen to have a direct conversation about it. So why not use the currently unused space as your own to have time to yourself?

OP - have you spoken to him yet?

Found DH in our bedroom working and said get out this room is for sleeping and sex. That’s is.
Then the next week he was taking a call do I very loudely shouted get out get out.
He hasn’t been in there to work since.
He did point out that anyone senior could have been on the call with him and I said I didn’t care as this is our home and his work doesn’t belong in our bedroom

Can you put a bed/daybed in it op? Maybe that will lure him into there.

Is he there because he wants to be with you?

Maybe he thinks its nicer to be together than him off in the office leaving you alone

I don't see how I can deal with this without him getting arsey with me.

So upset him. He's clearly upset you.

Honestly, my mother has spent 50 years not upsetting my father. And it's not that he's ever threatened her in any way, but he will start crying if she brings up difficult topics, like his alcoholism. So she's miserable, but won't tackle the issue in case it makes him miserable. Honestly, just make the stupid sod miserable/ arsey/ pissed off/ whatever. Unless you think you might be at risk by doing so, in which case you need an escape plan.

I'd get in the bed with him with a cuppa and a book. Make it uncomfortable for him