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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH working in bed

468 replies

cripez · 08/03/2021 10:38

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 08/03/2021 14:03

Maybe just talk to him calmly .

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2021 14:04

@cripez

If I said 'Hey DH why aren't you using your office so much?'

He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to.

Help me out then MN.

I'll go up and ask him in a minute.

This is not an excuse. It is a means to control you. If he does this to shut you up, that puts him from abused to abuser, victim to perpetrator and falling back on his status as victim.
LucieStar · 08/03/2021 14:05

@Serenschintte

Found DH in our bedroom working and said get out this room is for sleeping and sex. That’s is. Then the next week he was taking a call do I very loudely shouted get out get out. He hasn’t been in there to work since. He did point out that anyone senior could have been on the call with him and I said I didn’t care as this is our home and his work doesn’t belong in our bedroom

Wow.

I mean, if my DP had come to me whilst I was wfh in bed and said "get out this room is for sleeping and sex only", I'd consider that controlling and abusive on his part. No way in hell I'd speak to him like that, or vice versa. Confused

Nith · 08/03/2021 14:06

In the OP's case there's nothing stopping HER from using the office if she wants some down time.

if you read the thread, that would involve a lot of sorting out and effort.

Not really. It's only the sofa bed she needs, at least initially. In the unlikely event he's got work stuff on there, all she needs to do is to move that. It sounds as if it would be well worth it.

roastpotatoesss · 08/03/2021 14:06

YANBU for being annoyed, but just tell him!

Also YAB a bit U for being so worried about your husband occasionally hearing you go to the toilet.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2021 14:09

I get you want space

When dd is at Pre school I want to chill , watch tv or sleep as work nights

Lockdown dec/jan meant df couldn’t get materials and under my feet

But

You have the lovely added space with bed and sofa. Use the office.

Take biscuits and a kettle

And say to dh. Either he works there for those 2 days or you will claim it as your boudoir

Nith · 08/03/2021 14:10

OP, you said you were going to go and ask your husband about using the garden office earlier. How did that go?

FlashesOfRage · 08/03/2021 14:10

Tell him he’s got till the weekend to choose whether he works in the bedroom or the office but you’re going to be appropriating whichever one he doesn’t choose for whatever the hell you like 👍

ememem84 · 08/03/2021 14:11

id totally be using the office. especially if it has a sofa bed.

does it also have a tv?

i'm currently working on bed though. but we have no separate office space and dh is also wfh. i go back to the office tomorrow though thank god.

SabrinaMorningstar · 08/03/2021 14:16

Oh, come on. Are posters seriously saying that adults in functional relationships passive-aggressively hoover or shout at their partners during work calls about their 'rules' for rooms in the house? In the immortal words ... did ye, aye? Hmm

AmberItsACertainty · 08/03/2021 14:21

@Lorieandrews it's hard to explain. It's not that I haven't met nice people. But nice and arsehole seem to be able to exist in the same person. Eg a women with pets which she had before she ever met her DH and he had no problems with them. Until she went on maternity leave and he tried to force her to get rid. This kind, polite, helpful, high earning man who adored her would pay for absolutely anything, except her pets stuff like food etc. She got a MLM job and kept her pets. He could see his tactics hadn't worked, gave in and started paying for the pets. He's not a total nightmare and they're happily married, but how is he not an arsehole for doing that? That's what I meant, even the nice ones often have it in them.

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 14:21

@Anordinarymum

When all else fails extreme measures have to be implemented. Men are like children
No they're not. Some are. So are some women.

What the hell is it with people perpetuating stereotypes? How do you ever expect stereotypes to ever end? Are you raising sons with the attitude that they never need to stop being children? And if not, how do you raise sons with a different attitude to the household they are brought up in?

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 08/03/2021 14:23

I don't think this is really about your bed (although I'd hate the fact that it wasn't getting aired properly each day)

I think this issue is that you forked out a lot of family money to create (what sounds like a gorgeous) space for him to work in and now he's not using it at all. That would piss me off big time, even if I never wanted to go near my bedroom during the day. What a waste of money!

You do need to talk to him about it though. If he's now decided not to use it as a workspace you could turn it into a space for you or the children instead.

AdHominemNonSequitur · 08/03/2021 14:23

He's storing up back, neck and RSI problems. Sit slumping and using a keyboard/mouse is really bad for you.

gannett · 08/03/2021 14:24

@Serenschintte

Found DH in our bedroom working and said get out this room is for sleeping and sex. That’s is. Then the next week he was taking a call do I very loudely shouted get out get out. He hasn’t been in there to work since. He did point out that anyone senior could have been on the call with him and I said I didn’t care as this is our home and his work doesn’t belong in our bedroom
It would be a cold day in hell before any partner of mine yelled at me to stop doing my work in my bed as I saw fit.

Imagine if a man had yelled this at his wife while she was on a work call. My goodness.

I would never, ever try to sabotage one of DP's work calls like this, and nor would he do it to me. Awful behaviour.

This thread is just sad. Petty, passive-aggressive (or just aggressive) responses to perfectly normal behaviour. Why are so many of you in relationships with men you hate? Why can so few of you communicate without making it into a big drama?

I WFH at the kitchen table. DP likes to unwind by cooking. If I still have work to do I move myself to another room.

My exercise bike is in one of the rooms we use to WFH. If he's in there on a day I want to use it, I'll ask if he can work somewhere else. And he does so. We recognise we're on top of each other and we work around it.

Maybe actually liking each other has something to do with it. Or maybe just both being reasonable people.

MapleMay11 · 08/03/2021 14:32

I would hate the idea of working in a building at the bottom of my garden everyday. There's no way I would be willing to traipse backwards and forwards in the middle of winter. Maybe your DH feels the same now he's experienced the reality. You're now stuck with it so you may as well turn it onto something you enjoy and get some peace.

EerieSilence · 08/03/2021 14:37

sofa, book, tv ...
you don't need your own bed for that. I hate being in our bedroom during the day as I get savaged by cuddle-mad cats who love nothing else but plop their fat butts on you after they savaged you with their claws as they are showing you how much they love you by kneading.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 08/03/2021 14:37

I would hate the idea of working in a building at the bottom of my garden everyday.

In my mind's eye and as a complete fantasy, the only thing I'd like more would be the outdoor library cum tea space in Quenington Old Rectory (site of Fresh Air Sculpture) or an actual tree house.

www.instagram.com/p/CKL2kS-lBQR/

MeltsAway · 08/03/2021 14:47

Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

This.

I expect he wants you for company - to be around, but not in your room or in his face, but just - there. As soon as you start to use his space, he'll reclaim it.

Then you could have a conversation about @cripez space - where is your dedicated & potentially private space in the house?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2021 14:47

Basic assertiveness about a shed...

DH, do you have a few minutes today to talk about the shed?

(This asks permission to have the conversation, alerts the person to the subject and has no value-laden words)

Wait... he has the chance to respond, that's sometimes all that's needed.

When you actually do talk...

DH, when I come back and you're in bed (fact), I feel frustrated/sad/disappointed (your emotions so not something to argue about), I need space at the moment so could we work out how I can have some? (Giving him the chance to find a solution.

If he cannot cope with a normal assertive conversation about your feelings and your needs, while he gets 30k spent on his, you have a very fundamental issue with your marriage.

leftistbimbo · 08/03/2021 14:50

Sounds like he’s being very selfish about this.... I’d explain what you have here about needing your days off to relax, and if after a week or two he is still working in bed on your days off I would be putting all his shit from the garden office into a storage box and leaving it on HIS SIDE of the bedroom, making space to move all your books, the biscuit tin & a TV to the outside room. If he moans tell him someone has to make use of your 30K investment!! He will either leave you to it to chill out in the garden or sulk back to his office leaving you with a DH free house. Win win.

ForeverDiamond · 08/03/2021 14:51

I haven't read the whole thread OP. But you are very amusing. Kind of "Motherland" amusing. Have you ever thought of writing TV comedy. Maybe in the white elephant room? Grin

ForeverDiamond · 08/03/2021 14:54

yeah, and the photo of a dustmite might move things along nicely ...

can you not go into your bedroom and fart around a bit (literally)? Or just generally annoy him? Maybe demand sex at random moments? I don't know, maybe he might like that, which is not good in this scenario.

AnotherKrampus · 08/03/2021 14:54

Feck me - you are both a bit pathetic. If you want some downtime and relax, then take over the garden room. It's bloody simple. If he continues not to use the office building in the garden, then change it to a new purpose.

ForeverDiamond · 08/03/2021 14:55

£30K? Fuck, thats 6 months in a Barbados hotel, daily massage and probably with a personal butler.

I'd be livid at that, oh yes.

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