DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

I get what you are saying op.

If you want to go in the bedroom, could he go on the floor, or into another room while you do so? And every time you want it?

I sort of get the creative bit of having to be in a right place to be creative, and may be the shed is not it for him.
Can you sell the shed? Sounds like neither of you wants it.

"And maybe go for a poo out of earshot of him"

This. DH is actually working in the spare room but is constantly on skype or teams or whatever and within hearing distance of our only bathroom. I really hope he has the microphone off or his colleagues have heard all sorts of toilet noises .

Especially when he kept buying wholemeal bread and we were all suffering from wind!!

I make the bed every morning and open the window.

Well why not strip the bed and open the windows but not make it again until back from the school run.

Me, I'd get a little telly/laptop/book and a kettle go down to his office and stay there leaving him with the dog and cat. Should have had a toilet installed as well. If it has french doors then roll on the good weather he could stay in bed as far as I'd care.

He is selfish spending 30k on a luxurious home office and then not using it. That money could have been used to extend the house and provide more living space and an extra toilet/bathroom. Turf him and his farty pants out of your bed and bedroom.

If he won't use the office then tell him you will be moving all,his stuff out and sleeping there, or that you will be renting it out as an office.

I do this.

I work from bed.

I get up in the morning, make coffee, see child (teen) off to school, do various bits and pieces in the kitchen, then retreat back to bed and work solidly for about four hours.

I know it could be seen as gross, but screw that - it's my most productive place and getting that solid chunk of writing work done effectively is huge for me.

That said, husband has own large working space in spare bedroom and is happy there. I do change the sheets quite often!

All that said, op, I totally relate to your situation. On the rare occasions when OH chooses to work in bed it drives me literally insane. We all need space away from one another!

That room sounds like heaven!!!!

To me it sounds like an actual slice of heaven wow wow wow. I’m going to get one. A reading room. Oh. I love it!

Why can’t you use it? For a reading room? It’s neither good to work or read in bed. Because our bodies should only really use a bed for sleeping. It knocks out our cicirdian Rhythm. Which means that our brain won’t start to make the correct hormones needed for sleep. It’s complex. But I’d just use that room

Whose idea was it to build the home office OP? Was it driven by you to get him out of the house and he just went along with your plans, or did he insist on it being built? I like working from bed too when the DC are at school so I can see where he is coming from - I wouldn't be too impressed if I was told I couldn't work from bed if I wanted to. But agree with a pp, your marriage seems to have deeper problems than this.

Definitely tell him to use his office or you will be turning it into a mum cave.
I think after a year of lockdown it's reasonable to want space away from each other.

Working from home or not it’s revolting and unattractive to lie in bed all day stinking the place out like a 15 year old. That would really give me the ick (and I suspect this is why OP knows that her going to use the office won’t solve her feelings about it). He’ll end up overweight with back and digestion problems if he isn’t already and I wouldn’t be relishing the idea of living with that.

@Eckhart

So many people are suggesting passive aggressive solutions to this. Is this really how people live their lives? Your husband is using a space you'd like to be in, hoover and remove the soft furnishings until he's too uncomfortable to stay there?

If someone can't tell their partner that they need to have a nap/lie down, and have that respected, there's communication problems in the relationship. It's not about him using the office, it's about how, when she says she needs to use the space, he doesn't take any notice.

My own experience and from talking to friends is that most men really are arseholes. Even the supposedly nice ones. They almost all want to be centre of attention and get their own way all the time.

The problem as I see it is humans are wired to want to be in a relationship. Or women are at any rate. So if you're unhappy but not unhappy enough to leave because you're getting some positives from the situation, the only way to deal with the problem is to work round it. So passive aggressive or manipulative tactics to get your own way, or people like me who carve out their own space then say nope it's mine not sharing, to get a break from whatever it is that's driving me up the wall, or going off with friends to do the things DP doesn't want to do with you so you don't have to give up that part of you.

Because the fact is these arseholes aren't going to change and if you stand up to them too much their behaviour gets worse, you're just going to be having constant rows and be even more miserable.

Of course the best solution for most people would be to walk away from the arsehole. But so many people don't want to be alone, they're not prepared to tolerate it. And like I said, I honestly believe the majority of men are arseholes, so constantly searching for a proper decent one gets wearing.

I feel as though I've won some kind of personality lottery, that I'm happy in my own company and don't mind being single (except the lack of sex, because I don't do casual sex). A lot of women just don't feel the same as me.

I already joined the, “go use it yourself” camp.

But honestly, you’re scraping the barrel with complaints about him letting the hanging baskets go unwatered. Quite apart from us not being in a hot, dry season... I am willing to bet that he never gave one shiny shit about having hanging baskets in the first place!!

But that’s good - if you’ve started to add the plants you want, you’re part way to making it a space you want to use!

OP you make me laugh. It would drive me mad if DH did this, although I must admit I am currently typing this from my bed where I am allegedly WFH. Next to a dog that keeps doing awful farts so it's not quite as relaxing as I'd hoped.

I've been wondering about getting a garden office but have the figure of £30k in my mind and it seems such a lot. Also we don't have the cash right now.

I also have a disabled child and know how you need the space. Caring for them is the most exhausting job in the world. I hope you get your bed back soon.

Turn the radiator off in the bedroom and remove the knob. That's a beginning. Tell him you wish to redecorate the bedroom and he will disappear to his den quicksmart. Remove yourself from the bedroom and withhold sex of any kind until he grows up are a few ideas !

Don't make it about him, make it about you.

"DH, I am really struggling at the moment, because [insert reasons to do with being a full time carer] and what I need is space and time alone in the house. On X and Y day, it would be a massive help to me if you could work in your office so that I can just switch off properly at home."

@AmberItsACertainty

That’s such a sad thing to read. My husband is wonderful. He’s such a kind hard working man. Who even after many years tells me I’m beautiful every single day. It’s so sad that you’ve yet to meet anyone who is nice at all

I do agree with you about some women though. We HAVE t be in couples. Otherwise we’d die out. I also think for someone to love you. You’ve got to like yourself at least and that’s where the problems lie. I feel so many men have beaten women down so that they feel and are vulnerable and that where the bad people as such come into play. Who prey on those vulnerable women. That’s the ones you hear of. For example I’ve never made a post about my husband. I don’t need too. I feel social media is a curse. People trying to either love their lives so much or try to downplay them. There doesn’t seem to be much in between

You're both being a bit ridiculous.

Him for not using the nice purpose built space and you for just simmering with rage and not communicating that you're cross.

Personally, I'd just take over the office and make it my own space.

@Anordinarymum

Turn the radiator off in the bedroom and remove the knob. That's a beginning. Tell him you wish to redecorate the bedroom and he will disappear to his den quicksmart. Remove yourself from the bedroom and withhold sex of any kind until he grows up are a few ideas !

That’s just childish?!?

Would you honestly do that to someone you love?

Why can’t you just say. Hey. I’d like to read today. I’m shattered looking after our child full time.

You shouldn’t need to resort to such petty behaviour in an adult relationship

Just casually say to him "I've been wondering if we should repurpose the office into something for the kids/family/me"
Him shock "Why that's my office"
You "Yes but you don't use it, so we might as well turn it into a room that gets used"

Then you either get the room for something or he realises he'd better use it or lose it.

@AmberItsACertainty

OMG, you have absolutely nailed it. You should be some sort of advice guru. THIS:

*My own experience and from talking to friends is that most men really are arseholes. Even the supposedly nice ones. They almost all want to be centre of attention and get their own way all the time.

The problem as I see it is humans are wired to want to be in a relationship. Or women are at any rate. So if you're unhappy but not unhappy enough to leave because you're getting some positives from the situation, the only way to deal with the problem is to work round it. So passive aggressive or manipulative tactics to get your own way, or people like me who carve out their own space then say nope it's mine not sharing, to get a break from whatever it is that's driving me up the wall, or going off with friends to do the things DP doesn't want to do with you so you don't have to give up that part of you.

Because the fact is these arseholes aren't going to change and if you stand up to them too much their behaviour gets worse, you're just going to be having constant rows and be even more miserable*

@daisyjgrey

You're both being a bit ridiculous.

Him for not using the nice purpose built space and you for just simmering with rage and not communicating that you're cross.

Personally, I'd just take over the office and make it my own space.

I agree with this.

I can't believe some of the suggestions on here of turning off radiators, hoovering loudly and withholding sex etc ... crazy. Does no one use direct verbal communication anymore in their relationships?

Anyway ... that aside... I WFH sometimes from my bed for months (until I started my mat leave recently), but being heavily pregnant it was the only place I felt comfortable. I'm going to assume your DH isn't heavily pregnant. But maybe he's just more comfortable there? I'd agree with those saying to make the most of that expensive empty space he isn't using if he's still not keen on using it after you speak to him.

What would happen if you went in now and just said -- I didn't sleep well last night and really need a nap before the kids come home, would you mind moving to your office this afternoon?

i.e., not making it into a big thing, just saying you'd like the bed for a while

Because if you can't even do that, then I'm sorry but your marriage is really in dire straits. It's a perfectly reasonable request.

Hey DH, I see you prefer working in the bedroom. You won’t mind me using the office, would you? It’ll be nice to relax a while and have some quite time before the kids are back home.

Have you managed to talk to him yet, @cripez? There have been a couple of excellent suggestions here about how to approach the conversation without pushing his buttons. Make it about you, because it is: you deserve your own space.

That’s such a sad thing to read. My husband is wonderful. He’s such a kind hard working man. Who even after many years tells me I’m beautiful every single day. It’s so sad that you’ve yet to meet anyone who is nice at all

Have to agree, it is sad. There are some really decent lovely men out there (I have one of them too). It makes me feel sad too to think someone hasn't yet met a single man like this.

When all else fails extreme measures have to be implemented. Men are like children