Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH working in bed

468 replies

cripez · 08/03/2021 10:38

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

OP posts:
Bluntpencil · 08/03/2021 12:12

Turn it into a summer house?

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 08/03/2021 12:15

when you could just resolve things like 2 adults

Too much of the time, although there are 2 biological adults, there's only one with emotional and mental maturity and, over time, that adult is worn down by the lack of appropriate response or rationality.

VettiyaIruken · 08/03/2021 12:15

He's got you trained hasn't he.
Never make requests, comments or criticisms cos childhood.

Must make it difficult for him to hold down a job, eh?

CeibaTree · 08/03/2021 12:17

I don't really understand why you don't go and use the office yourself though - you say it is warm and comfy with a sofa etc - why can't you go and read your book/relax down there. I can see why you might be annoyed about this, but take charge of the situation and make it work for you. I do find it a bit odd you say you want to pee without him noticing - my DH is currently using the room next to our toilet at his office, so I guess could hear whenever I go in there, but I've never really thought about not wanting him to know I was using it.

Dropdeadfred2 · 08/03/2021 12:17

Not as much an inconvenience as having him parked up in the bed every day sweating all over the bedding. .... it would make him get out of the habit of hibernating in there at least...

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 12:17

[quote fridgepants]@goodbyelenin £30k to spend on a garden office, and then even more to put in a path, is not really achievable for most. That's why it comes off as a bit of a stealth-brag.

I'd be using the hell out of that room, though, if we had it.[/quote]
It's a three bed semi. One bathroom. We aren't swimming in it.

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 08/03/2021 12:18

It seems as if the issue isn’t him using the bedroom to work and not using the office, but a symptom of a bigger problem if you don’t feel able to address it with your own husband.

This would never happen in my home/relationship as I don’t think either of us would have allowed the other to lay about in the bed all day for this long, or allow the garden office to become such a colossal waste of money.

I also can’t imagine either of us wanting to lay in bed day working, it doesn’t sound healthy, either mentally or physically.

Hallyup5 · 08/03/2021 12:18

Wow, the guy is working and bringing money into the house. He's in the bedroom away from you. Give him a break. Just shut the door and use the rest of the house as you please. If you can't cope with the fact that your partner knows when you go to the loo or have a biscuit (and let's face it, he probably doesn't even notice) then you've got a serious problem.

I don't see how him being in the bedroom is a problem if you're in the lounge.

teraculum29 · 08/03/2021 12:19

Or maybe start disturbing him when he is in the bed office??
Let the dog in or the cat, do other noisy stuff and when asked to be quiet, point to the garden office, quiet room is there....

and see how it goes

I know its a bit passive aggressive but other approaches didnt do the job so maybe its worth trying

Original poster
cripez · 08/03/2021 12:19

@Hallyup5

Wow, the guy is working and bringing money into the house. He's in the bedroom away from you. Give him a break. Just shut the door and use the rest of the house as you please. If you can't cope with the fact that your partner knows when you go to the loo or have a biscuit (and let's face it, he probably doesn't even notice) then you've got a serious problem.

I don't see how him being in the bedroom is a problem if you're in the lounge.

Wow I can't work because I have a disabled child with complex needs and am their f/t carer.
OP posts:
Devlesko · 08/03/2021 12:21

30k Shock
That's half a house round here.
Just go in your room and start doing things, it's a no brainer.
Or tell him you'll rent it out to recoup some of the investment.

Gliblet · 08/03/2021 12:22

@cripez

If I said 'Hey DH why aren't you using your office so much?'

He would immediately get defensive. Because he was emotionally abused as a child and that's his go to.

Help me out then MN.

I'll go up and ask him in a minute.

If he has a tendency to go defensive, don't make it about him. He can defend if 'attacked' but it's harder to get defensive in response to someone talking about their own needs/preferences.

I'm struggling with not having the time alone that I'm used to.

I'm finding it harder than I might have expected having less time on my own.

I have to use the phrase 'this isn't about you' quite a lot with my DH. I set out what it is that I feel I need, or need to do, and what (if anything) I need from him rather than starting off with a rant about whatever it is that's driving me up the wall (usually him hoarding utter crap or never giving me a moment's peace). It's a lot harder for him to get defensive if I don't give him anything to defend against, and a lot easier for me to make sure I get what I need if I concentrate on that instead of trying to second-guess what's happened inside his brain that makes his latest example of weird behaviour completely normal Grin

RandomMess · 08/03/2021 12:22

Seriously you need to say xyz days between 9-3 you need to use your £30k office so I can have the house to myself unless you want to become SAHP and I will go out to work instead.

goodbyelenin · 08/03/2021 12:23

Your DH is out of order, but just ask him for your bedroom back.

Unlike many, he has the choice to use a sofa bed, a desk and whatever the hell he fancies.

It's not unreasonable to expect an adult not to slob in bed all day, working or not. It's not healthy for HIM to start with.

MaggieFS · 08/03/2021 12:27

YANBU. I don't understand why you're getting a hard time and stealth boast accusations. I'm on mat leave and DH still wfh due to Covid. It's doing my head in, even though he's in the spare room. I can't do what I want. We would both love a home office for him.

AmberItsACertainty · 08/03/2021 12:28

I wouldn't want to sleep in a bed that's had someone in it all day and farting too. I'd put a washing basket in the bedroom, for him only. Don't bother cleaning that room, it's his now he can clean it himself and do his own washing. He sounds lazy and disrespectful.

I'd turn the garden Room into your room. Get his stuff out and into the bedroom. Put whatever you want in there, make it your space so it's not feeling like you sitting in his space. Get a proper bed in there and sleep in it at night, in your warm, clean, tidy personal room. Let him fester in the main bedroom like a disgusting lazy teenager.

And don't put up with him being arsey towards you for any reason. Point out he's being unreasonable and doesn't have the right to speak to you like that. It's abusive.

You're changing your behaviour to avoid his bad reaction, that's what victims of abuse do, walking on eggshells all the time to not set the other person off. Is this why you can't relax around him? It's a massive problem.

If it's his past that makes him behave like this then he needs to have therapy to sort it out. He doesn't get to treat you badly because of his past. If you're afraid to have a normal reasonable conversation about him maintaining normal human behaviour and not being a lazy slob, then he's treating you badly. You're literally afraid to talk to him or expect him to be reasonable. That's not ok.

Confusedandshaken · 08/03/2021 12:28

Buy a coffee maker for the shed. Put in a speaker for your phone and a load of nice candles, buy some cushions and a lovely throw for the sofa bed. Then on the days the kids aren't at home, sprint through your jobs and then retreat down there with a good book/crossword /jigsaw and enjoy a few hours of solitude in calm spacious surroundings.

I can almost guarantee that after 2 weeks of this your DH will be fighting to get his office back.

Hallyup5 · 08/03/2021 12:29

Yeah I'm a full time carer to an autistic child (above school age so at home) too, plus two under 4 and two older children, so I get that you can't work. That wasn't the point of my post. I appreciate you work hard.

All I'm saying is cut the guy some slack. He's bringing money in, he's not sleeping. Just go somewhere else and stop stressing about it. You'll feel much better.

Frubecube · 08/03/2021 12:29

As he has what sounds like a really nice space to work from, it is unreasonable. If he prefers to work indoors then he should allow you to create a space you enjoy spending time in out there.

RandomMess · 08/03/2021 12:31

Is there room for a chair or sofa bed out there??

Honestly just go and take over his office. Like his stuff up etc.

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 12:32

So many people are suggesting passive aggressive solutions to this. Is this really how people live their lives? Your husband is using a space you'd like to be in, hoover and remove the soft furnishings until he's too uncomfortable to stay there?

If someone can't tell their partner that they need to have a nap/lie down, and have that respected, there's communication problems in the relationship. It's not about him using the office, it's about how, when she says she needs to use the space, he doesn't take any notice.

tigger001 · 08/03/2021 12:32

So OP what has he said when you went to speak to him or did you not bother?

I do understanding the whole not wanting to go the loo when hes in, but candles and opening a window are your friend. Has his garsen office got a loo?

It is unhealthy for you to be in a relationship where you can not have an honest and open discussion about little things.

It is also not teaching your children about healthy relationships if everyone is treading on egg shells so as not to upset your husband.

The only options are really for you to deal with it like an adult and speak to him about it, or keep burying your head and let him carry on.

LagunaBubbles · 08/03/2021 12:32

Whats wrong with the living room to relax in downstairs?

littlescratch · 08/03/2021 12:33

He’s being extremely selfish. You should be able to say everything you have said on here without him getting shitty with you. I would have said it all on the very first day.

Procrastatron · 08/03/2021 12:34

I understand too.

But prepare yourself for his back injury from working in bed. (I did this to myself)

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.