DH working in bed

[cripez]

DH has a very large bespoke office at the end of our garden, very comfortable, with a sofa, cushions, rugs, heating etc.

He has a creative job that he could do anywhere with WiFi and a plug, but we spent a lot of money on the office building as it was to be his space away from the distractions of the main house.

So why the hell is he working from our bed every single day? He hasn't worked in his office since Xmas, has maybe popped up there for zoom meetings away from the kids then always home and back to bed.

I have the house to myself two days a week (one dc at school and the other in childcare) and I would like to have a bit of downtime, and maybe even a nap, after over a year or lockdowns and disruptions.

But I can't because he's up there farting into our duvet and leaving coffee cups all over the place.

AIBU to kick him out? Maybe I should turn his office into a bedroom for me and sod off up there all day.

I completely get where you are coming from, OP. I live in a 2 bed flat which is essentially 3 rooms plus a small kitchen. DH WFH a lot now and his desk is in an alcove in the living room. I cannot be anywhere at home that he cannot hear me and I cannot hear him - he's always on the phone or video calls. I have to check when I can boil the kettle and I can't watch TV or even something on catch up on my tablet. I end up sitting in the armchair in our bedroom or going out to get away from living in his office. And I like to poop without an audience too!

As a man let me say it's obvious why he doesn't use the garden office, it's because the house is more comfortable.

Are only men able to understand this view point?

Why build it in the first place if it's never going to be used?

This thread is absolutely ridiculous, so much passive aggressive comments! Do you all hate your husbands and have 0 communication skills 😂 also the weird comments about being a gross man in bed and farting, I'm sorry but I was under the impression we all fart and sweat and smell? Lot of weird backward stereotypes here.

Just talk to the man, and if he gets defensive then that is a wider conversation you need to have in your relationship that he needs to be aware of and work on to change because that's not fair on you.

Meh, you sound like you have it pretty cushy. You don’t have to work, he’s the one bringing in the wage, you’ve got enough disposable income to build an expensive office. Personally, I think the wage earner should get to work where he wants. You have the rest of the house and/or the luxury office.

The OP also has a perfectly valid need for rest and alone time to decompress, SweetPetrichor. There are plenty of ways in which her life is not "cushy" at all.

You are absolutely entitled to some downtime. Alone time if that is what you need. Please just tell him that. Honestly, and clearly. You love him but need to have set times when you know he will be in his office. That's all. No passive aggression needed. Just honesty. If he can't give you that, or understand that, then you have bigger problems to deal with. Please just talk!

[quote yearinyearout]@someonelockthefridgealready how many times would he need to fill the kettle or go to the loo? I'm sure he can manage a little walk up the path a couple of times a day to stretch his legs.

[/quote]
Yes the walk to get a drink use the loo is a welcome little break for me!
If he’s at the end of the garden it’s hardly going to be equivalent to a 10km slog is it?

I’m just impressed you could get a decent garden studio for £30k.

Just tell him. It's his problem if he gets arsey about it.

Something along the lines of - hey you aren't using the home office, would you mind popping your shit in a box, so I can use it. I am going nuts with no personal space and it seems silly to waste a perfectly good space outside.

If he kicks off - tell him to bloody grow up and get his arse out of bed. It is a bit strange that he is in bed all day.

@SweetPetrichor

Meh, you sound like you have it pretty cushy. You don’t have to work, he’s the one bringing in the wage, you’ve got enough disposable income to build an expensive office. Personally, I think the wage earner should get to work where he wants. You have the rest of the house and/or the luxury office.

"Bringing in the wage"

It's not 19 fucking 50 you know.

"Bringing in the wage"

It's not 19 fucking 50 you know.

Why should someone actually working need to accommodate someone who has the free time to laze around?

Biscuits, books, blankets, naps. We can't all fill our days this way, whatever the year.

Start hoovering where he is. Or play cheesey music loudly.

@Woolff

"Bringing in the wage"

It's not 19 fucking 50 you know.

Why should someone actually working need to accommodate someone who has the free time to laze around?

Biscuits, books, blankets, naps. We can't all fill our days this way, whatever the year.

Because that's exactly what I said I wanted to do, sleep all day long and snuggle under blankets

Someone actually working might want to get their arse out of bed and use the expensive office expressly built for that purpose. I think this is extremely lazy.

I also don't think the OP intends to lie about all day. She is likely to have her own unpaid work to do. You know, cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping.

Less exciting? Sure
Equally required? Definitely

I didn't realise in 2021 that stay at home mothers were actually still time warping back to the 50s every time the WAGE earner deems it so.

FFS - what's next? Pipe, slippers & newspaper.

I do work. I care full time for a 6 year old child with the developmental age of approx 18 months. I am frequently slapped, kicked, bitten. My 6yo is in nappies. They can't answer you if you ask them their name.

I have to drop them at special school and collect them every day. There is no wraparound care.

I have no support whatsoever from any external agencies.

I receive carers allowance of less than £70 a week - that's my wage. DC gets DLA.

I am at home because one of us has to be, me being home enables DH to have his successful career.

Don't ever tell me I don't work because you would not last a week in my shoes.

As a man let me say

No.

On this day of all the days in the year...

Op, you say he can't take criticism because of his upbringing, but asking him to work in his purpose built office is reasonable.

How would the conversation go? What would happen?

It's really sad how much you are compromising yourself and tiptoeing around him.

Who came up with the office idea in the first place?

I would hate the idea of working in a building at the bottom of my garden everyday. There's no way I would be willing to traipse backwards and forwards in the middle of winter

Well then presumably you wouldn't have spent 30k of the family budget on an all mod cons purpose built office just metres away from your back door. As for traipsing backward and forward in the middle of winter its his garden, not a three hour commute in Siberia. I note though that you think its just fine for the OP to have to use the garden room and "traipse". Honestly I wonder if some posters have ever been in one of these garden offices - they are nothinig like garden sheds.

Its manipulative, self centred behaviour by someone apparently practiced in the manipulation side.

I had a similar situation and told DH that I needed some space and he needed to find somewhere else to work. He was surprised but got the message. I found wine helped to get the conversation flowing.

@cripez

I do work. I care full time for a 6 year old child with the developmental age of approx 18 months. I am frequently slapped, kicked, bitten. My 6yo is in nappies. They can't answer you if you ask them their name.

I have to drop them at special school and collect them every day. There is no wraparound care.

I have no support whatsoever from any external agencies.

I receive carers allowance of less than £70 a week - that's my wage. DC gets DLA.

I am at home because one of us has to be, me being home enables DH to have his successful career.

Don't ever tell me I don't work because you would not last a week in my shoes.

Well said. 👍

@Shodan

Last summer I spent a grand getting a landscaper to build a path up there so he doesn't get his slippers muddy.

Sorry OP I know you're pissed off (and rightly so) but my first thought was OMG what a big baby he is.

The trouble with feeling you can't address these things forthrightly is (ime) that it builds and builds until you explode in a mess of resentment and anger. Maybe it's just best to march up to your room and say that if he doesn't get out to his office quick smart, today, and use it properly in future, then you will take it for your own use. And then do so.

So he doesn't get his slippers muddy

I would chat to him about his health. Every week in bed adds a decade to your life.

@cripez

I do work. I care full time for a 6 year old child with the developmental age of approx 18 months. I am frequently slapped, kicked, bitten. My 6yo is in nappies. They can't answer you if you ask them their name.

I have to drop them at special school and collect them every day. There is no wraparound care.

I have no support whatsoever from any external agencies.

I receive carers allowance of less than £70 a week - that's my wage. DC gets DLA.

I am at home because one of us has to be, me being home enables DH to have his successful career.

Don't ever tell me I don't work because you would not last a week in my shoes.

Well said. Some people literally have no idea what life is like with a young child with SEN. We too had to go to a single working household so someone was at home at all times for our DC. Far harder than working full time ever was.

Subtracts a decade, surely?

At the end of the day, the op and her DH have spent a shit load of money on a posh garden office which he doesn’t use!

If my husband slobbed/worked from bed everyday, that would piss me off too.