Excluding one child from birthday party bags

[seaclaidte]

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

If your child is being bullied you need to address that with the school. Regarding party bags they are not a good idea, teachers have better things to do than check the content of every bag for potential allergy risks. Send harribo or Maltesers instead with listed ingredients on tne packaging. As for leaving one child well that makes you the bully.

* If you bully my child don't expect invites to parties, play dates or bloody party bags.*

If you bully my child, I will pour my efforts and focus in to actually dealing with the issue. So pursuing the school relentlessly short the actual matter in hand.

I wouldn’t give a flying fig about this. The boy would get the party bag because I wouldn’t want the school to be distracted from the real issue.

If there was a party I wouldn’t invite this child but if I was sending in party bags I would send enough for the whole class.

When was the last time this boy was mean to your DS? Did you report this to the school? I would just give party bags to your DS’s closest friends and then a pack of sweets for everyone else, including the boy of the racism was a one-off.

@Topsytur

I'm clearly in the minority here because would I heck give him a party bag after racially and physically abusing my DS

What do people say about not rewarding bad behaviour..

OP YANBU at all and I'm sure if you asked people IRL instead of mumsnet you would get a very different response.

If you bully my child don't expect invites to parties, play dates or bloody party bags.

The school may well refuse to give them out unless there's one for every one.

No. It would make things worse.

@Topsytur

I'm clearly in the minority here because would I heck give him a party bag after racially and physically abusing my DS

What do people say about not rewarding bad behaviour..

OP YANBU at all and I'm sure if you asked people IRL instead of mumsnet you would get a very different response.

If you bully my child don't expect invites to parties, play dates or bloody party bags.

If anyone would agree that everyone should be given a party bag aside from one child, that's really sad. I absolutely think that his behaviour should be properly dealt with, and OPs son should be supported appropriately by the school, but imo party bags are seperate (and ridiculous but that's another matter).

I wouldn’t give a flying fig about this. The boy would get the party bag because I wouldn’t want the school to be distracted from the real issue

The school have been informed and are choosing to brush it under the carpet so as not to let it affect their OFSTED rating (according to the OP)

Yes the school needs to be pursued but the racist child shouldn't be getting party bags in the mean time.

The OP isn't obligated to spend money on her child's bully and I suggest she doesn't.

Would you give your own child a gift in the aftermath of them displaying such behaviour? If not then why would you give one to somebody else's.

OP - if you don't want the fallout of excluding this boy then I would just send DS in with a few party bags for his closest friends.

I would. He needs to learn that bullying and racism means no one will like him and he will miss out.

In the nicest possible way OP your issue is with the school and its failure to address bullying. Please make an official complaint and escalate if you don’t get a satisfactory response.

@Topsytur

I wouldn’t give a flying fig about this. The boy would get the party bag because I wouldn’t want the school to be distracted from the real issue

The school have been informed and are choosing to brush it under the carpet so as not to let it affect their OFSTED rating (according to the OP)

Yes the school needs to be pursued but the racist child shouldn't be getting party bags in the mean time.

The OP isn't obligated to spend money on her child's bully and I suggest she doesn't.

Would you give your own child a gift in the aftermath of them displaying such behaviour? If not then why would you give one to somebody else's.

OP - if you don't want the fallout of excluding this boy then I would just send DS in with a few party bags for his closest friends.

So, the school are choosing to brush it under the carpet.

I wouldn’t.

I would have logged everything and their response and if inadequate then I would have contacted my LEA

[quote Chewingle]@pictish

* I'm saying that name calling is common among children and horrible under any guise, not just racism.*

You don’t think there is a spectrum of severity?![/quote]
What spectrum of severity and according to whom?

So, the school are choosing to brush it under the carpet. I wouldn’t. I would have logged everything and their response and if inadequate then I would have contacted my LEA

So would I, but I wouldn't be giving that child party bags regardless.

Children learn a lot of this stuff from their parents. A parent in my DC school used to disassociate herself from the ethnic crowd and made it very known when she'd hand out invites to the non-ethnic parents to attend her kids parties. Would arrange social gatherings and stuff for mums who fit her friendship type. Her child would come into school and say things like brown people are smelly, wash your skin etc. It was shocking, the girl was only 6 when it started and she doesn't play with the non-whites at school. It calmed down after there were a few complaints but I have heard she still makes the odd comment here and there.

I'm not blaming the child in this, she is only copying what she sees at home. Hopefully as she grows she will form her own opinions and understand society today has no place for discrimination (of any kind).

As for your DC, don't single him out. Keep reporting his behaviour though.

Sorry just seen an update. If the school are not doing anything, email ofsted directly and copy in the head. Needs to investigated.

* What spectrum of severity and according to whom?*

Racism is a hate crime. The law.

These are children.

However, my goodness - if I was in your position and concerned about bullying and racism, I wouldn’t be thinking I could teach the child a lesson by a daft petty action like this.

I would be relentlessly pursuing the school to deal with this appropriately.

This. The school must have bullying, discipline and racism policies, it needs to start acting on them, and quickly. If as people suggest the child's conduct is caused by what is happening at home, that needs to be investigated also - the school obviously doesn't have to tell OP what it is doing in that regard, but it needs to act on the potential safeguarding issue involved.

I would also second the idea of putting a couple of "Be kind" stickers into the bully's party bag.

I would also approach the child's parents personally, if the school don't care to address such horrid behaviour then I as my child's advocate would do myself.

I'd be mortified if my son was racially abusing another child and I would want to know about it straight away, be it from the school or the bullied child's parents.

All of this "don't exclude him from the party bags" is bizarre to me.

I wouldn't want my child to be given bloody gifts if he was bullying.

From a pragmatic perspective, giving the boy (along with the rest of the class) a party bag is far more likely to promote a harmonious relationship between the two children going forward. Yes, it seems unfair that you should have to do this when your child is entirely blameless and this boy has behaved appallingly, but one of the sad lessons for us as parents is that often there is no "best" or "fair" solution to our children's problems, there is only the "least worst" solution. I can't see how excluding this child is going to make things better for your son and it may make things worse.

However, I'd also speak separately to the teacher and see if she can remind the class about the importance of kindness and appreciating each other. I'd also remind her in no uncertain terms that racism (and do call it what it is) is unacceptable and therefore the school has a duty to combat racist attitudes amongst pupils. And make it clear that you will be escalating things if she doesn't deal with it to your satisfaction because it is shameful that your young child has to put up with this sort of behaviour in a place where they should be safe.

@pictish

These are children.

They are. So a prison sentence would be disproportionate.

Whilst I would vice the child a party bag without A thought, my focus would be to be on at the school, LEA, ofsted about the racism and physical harassment. Any child that puts their hands around my child’s neck in a threatening manner - well, I will be pursuing every official Avenue available

Vice should read give

Who is going to be distributing the bags and will they make sure the correct child is left out ? I can’t imagine any teacher doing this .

@pictish

I'm saying that name calling is common among children and horrible under any guise, not just racism.

Actually you said being called P* is not the ‘worse sort of insult’, and then gave being called fat and having braces as example, implying they’re worse insults.

Thanks for revealing your true feelings, I can now safely ignore anything you say.

I wouldnt blame you, and its not wrong.

But I wouldnt bother with the party bags. The softy parenting lot, will probably take issue with excluding one child, even if its a nasty child.

(All nasty kids i knew from school, grew up to be nasty adults. With 1 exception)