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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding one child from birthday party bags

334 replies

seaclaidte · 08/03/2021 00:00

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

OP posts:
pictish · 08/03/2021 12:16

I haven’t posted anything to oppose your viewpoint here. I explicitly said in a previous post I would take a complaint about the racism to the school staff to deal with. I work in a school as well as having three children of my own. I have come across name calling and physical violence before.
Why is it you’re arguing with me?

Peppafrig · 08/03/2021 12:17

@BalancedIndividual

I wouldnt blame you, and its not wrong.

But I wouldnt bother with the party bags. The softy parenting lot, will probably take issue with excluding one child, even if its a nasty child.

(All nasty kids i knew from school, grew up to be nasty adults. With 1 exception)

Let’s write off a 9 year old for the rest of his life
lydia2021 · 08/03/2021 12:17

Invite to party, and party bag. You can change a childs thinking.. this approach works believe me.....

mainsfed · 08/03/2021 12:21

Pictish because for you to equate having braces with being called a P* minimises the racist treatment received by Asian people. How can you not get that?

BalancedIndividual · 08/03/2021 12:24

@Peppafrig

I still see people from my primary school in my hometown. None have changed from their initial goodness/badness, bar 1.

The smart one are still smart/became educated, the playful ones have an easy-go approach to life, and the naughty ones become louts.

pictish · 08/03/2021 12:26

[quote mainsfed]@pictish

I'm saying that name calling is common among children and horrible under any guise, not just racism.

Actually you said being called P* is not the ‘worse sort of insult’, and then gave being called fat and having braces as example, implying they’re worse insults.

Thanks for revealing your true feelings, I can now safely ignore anything you say.[/quote]
Ah I see. Ok - I meant that being called names for any reason is problematic. The severity of an incident depends on the incident...kids are unkind about all sorts of things.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 08/03/2021 12:26

You need to take up the racism issue with the school who need to take it up with the child's parents.

I can't see the school allowing you to leave out one child and if I were them I would not accept your items unless there was one for each child.

pictish · 08/03/2021 12:27

@mainsfed

Pictish because for you to equate having braces with being called a P* minimises the racist treatment received by Asian people. How can you not get that?
Because we’re discussing primary aged children with poor impulse control.
BalancedIndividual · 08/03/2021 12:32

Disagree. At 9 years old, i knew right from wrong, and didnt do bad things. Or would do the occasional minor naughty thing, but nothing serious.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/03/2021 12:35

Yes.. ,
Yabu to ask the school to be involved.

Party bags are stupid one up manship anyway. Take in a multi pack of haribos if you must.

Sleepyblueocean · 08/03/2021 12:35

No school would allow this.

Skysblue · 08/03/2021 12:37

The child sounds horrible and doesn’t deserve a party bag but I worry slightly for your DS if you single the bad child out in this way. The next logical step would be for him to start picking on your son even more.

WhoAreYah · 08/03/2021 12:38

That’s ridiculous. You’ll look like a complete idiot in front of the teachers.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 08/03/2021 12:40

I haven’t read the whole thread but DD has been invited to 2 zoom parties where the host has delivered party bags to the attendees. And no don’t give the boy anything. At 9 he knows it’s wrong.

Blockedoff · 08/03/2021 12:40

Oh please .... firstly party bags are way OTT, It must be really expensive to bring children up now!

Secondly, you got a problem with this kid, you deal with it, you don't ask a teacher to stand there and give all bar one a party bag.

I wouldn't do it for you.

But you should be escalating the racism to the head teacher.

Londontown12 · 08/03/2021 12:58

Awwww big hugs for you and your son !
I felt like saying don’t give him one because the child is obviously horrible 😌
But then I thought no don’t exclude him be the better person otherwise u may come across as being spiteful I know it’s sooo hard watching it all play out but don’t let the child drag u down to their level your better than this and so is your Son xxx

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/03/2021 13:00

Disagree. At 9 years old, i knew right from wrong, and didnt do bad things. Or would do the occasional minor naughty thing, but nothing serious.

Where did you learn right and wrong from? Nice lovely parents? Now imagine your parents are racist and think about what you might be raised thinking/doing.

Stratfordplace · 08/03/2021 13:03

Can you not send a cake in (traybake type), ready sliced, and some servietttes with a drink each instead of party bags. Then one child won’t be excluded.

VestaTilley · 08/03/2021 13:09

Party bags go with parties. You can’t not give him one- the solution though is don’t invite him to your DS’s party.

You shouldn’t invite bullies to your children’s parties. So then there would be no need for a party bag.

mainsfed · 08/03/2021 13:19

Because we’re discussing primary aged children with poor impulse control.

I don't think your view that there are worse insults than P* like having braces and being is limited to children. But I'm sure you'll argue otherwise. It's worrying that you work in a school.

pictish · 08/03/2021 13:26

If you say so.

GU24Mum · 08/03/2021 13:26

It might not be unreasonable to think you'd like to do that but it would be unreasonable actually to do it.

LadyEloise · 08/03/2021 15:08

I would definitely go to the head teacher if you believe the teacher dismissed and minimised what happened.

Michelle Obama has said " .... when they go low we go high."
An amazing attitude but very difficult to live out.

TrojaninTroy · 08/03/2021 15:10

This child's behaviour sounds truly unpleasant, but more about how he's been brought up. To exclude him from something says more about you than about him, however. Either don't do party bags at all or do them for every single child.

SnoozyBoozy · 08/03/2021 16:20

@BalancedIndividual

Disagree. At 9 years old, i knew right from wrong, and didnt do bad things. Or would do the occasional minor naughty thing, but nothing serious.
Yes, but in order to know that, you would have had to have been taught what right and wrong were in the first place. I imagine the kind of vocabulary this child was using towards OP's son weren't the kind of thing you heard at home (and neither did I). If this is what this child hears, he is going to assume it's ok to say, because nobody is telling him otherwise (including the school by the sounds of it).

You say all the horrid kids grew up to be horrid adults (bar one). What kind of background did the majority of these kids come from, just out of interest? I would be willing to bet that for the most part, they also had horrid families.