Excluding one child from birthday party bags

[seaclaidte]

Would you blame me?

This child has targeted my DS with his nasty comments, including calling him a Paki.
He also put his hands around my sons neck. The teacher brushed both items off as boys being boys type of thing but that's another story.

Both boys are 9 years old.

I have spoken to DS who has said that this boy hasn't said anything to him since the name calling incident and there have been no further incidents since then.

I reported everything to the safe guarding officer who was appalled however I asked her to hold off contacting the school regarding it as this boy has backed off DS.

In regards to anti bullying policies etc. The school have said to me that the very first incident of racism in the school ever was the one directed at my DS. So according to the school, they have never had to face this type of issue.

@seaclaidte

Thank you for all of your responses.

I absolutely agree with those that have said that it's wrong to exclude a child.
However as a mother, repeating this child's behaviour to mine in my head, I don't want to hand him a treat.

To those that are concerned about whether the gift bags are allowed at the moment, yes they are.
They are given out by the birthday child or the parent at the end of the school day, in the playground as the children are leaving. So it's nothing to do with the staff.

To those who think a 9 year old is too young to know better, this 9 year old swears in the playground on a daily basis, however knows not to speak like that in the teachers presence.

All acts of aggression from this child have been carried out when the teacher has been conveniently not in the vicinity.

And to those that are choosing to ignore the racism part, I can surmise that are from a point of privilege where you have never been racially abused.

Bullying or having said something nasty to you is on a completely different level to being abused for your skin color.

For those who are asking how my DS would feel if he were to be excluded, how would your DC feel if someone told them that they don't belong and need to go to a Muslim school? I mean since when does being brown skinned automatically mean you are a Muslim?

Regardless of all of the above, I have decided to wait until restrictions are lifted to give DS a little birthday party with his close friends.

I don’t see anyone choosing to the ignore the racism and you claiming those of us who don’t agree with you are coming from a point of privilege. May I ask how you know what colour we are? No you don’t know. If you choose to hold a grudge against a little boy for calling your child a name once then crack on. But what is it was he called a terrible name once or told by this 9 year old he doesn’t belong and to go to a Muslim school?

Both things were said to him if you must know.
The boy also called him a butthole and said your mum is stupid. Would you like me to list all of the things said to my son?

Why does my comment about being privileged irk you so much? I didn't highlight skin colour. I said "never been racially abused".

So why don't you crack on.

I can't see a school dishing them out excluding one child.

Your issue needs to be with school not responding appropriately, not a child.

@Peppafrig your minimising is horrendous. You call the racist child (a 9yo!) a 'little boy' and say he only called OP's son a name once Calling someone a P* is not a name, it's a racial slur.

Calling a child a P* makes that child feel other and different. That's what OP meant about what if a non-Muslim child was treated like this in a Islamic faith school.

Plenty of people have minimised the racism on this thread, and I agree with OP that people are talking from a place of privilege.

And if you hand them out and school got wind that one child was deliberately missed out any sensible school would immediately ban this being done again so ruining it for all.

[quote mainsfed]@Peppafrig* your minimising is horrendous. You call the racist child (a 9yo!) a 'little boy' and say he only called OP's son a name once Calling someone a P is not a name, it's a racial slur.

Calling a child a P* makes that child feel other and different. That's what OP meant about what if a non-Muslim child was treated like this in a Islamic faith school.

Plenty of people have minimised the racism on this thread, and I agree with OP that people are talking from a place of privilege.[/quote]
Thank you.

@Mumofsend

And if you hand them out and school got wind that one child was deliberately missed out any sensible school would immediately ban this being done again so ruining it for all.

Thats a very good point.

[quote mainsfed]@Peppafrig* your minimising is horrendous. You call the racist child (a 9yo!) a 'little boy' and say he only called OP's son a name once Calling someone a P is not a name, it's a racial slur.

Calling a child a P* makes that child feel other and different. That's what OP meant about what if a non-Muslim child was treated like this in a Islamic faith school.

Plenty of people have minimised the racism on this thread, and I agree with OP that people are talking from a place of privilege.[/quote]
The OP said herself it was once and I quote

”I have spoken to DS who has said that this boy hasn't said anything to him since the name calling incident and there have been no further incidents since then.”

He is a little boy if not what is he then are we referring to 9 year olds as adults now?

@seaclaidte

Both things were said to him if you must know. The boy also called him a butthole and said your mum is stupid. Would you like me to list all of the things said to my son?

Why does my comment about being privileged irk you so much? I didn't highlight skin colour. I said "never been racially abused".

So why don't you crack on.

Ok crack on love bully a little boy if that makes you feel better. You said yourself you reported it and it hasn’t happened again to your son again. But again hold it against the little boy for the rest of his life . If it makes you feel better.

@Peppafrig funny how you don’t refer to OP’s DS as a little boy. Think about your unconscious bias.

The point I made is that this is not just calling a child a name, this is a racial slur and therefore it needs to be taken seriously. You and plenty of others have minimised that and focused on the racist child not being made to feel bad.

Ok crack on love bully a little boy if that makes you feel better. You said yourself you reported it and it hasn’t happened again to your son again. But again hold it against the little boy for the rest of his life . If it makes you feel better.

Your true colours are showing Peppa.

There's absolutely no way that a teacher can brush off the use of the 'P' word. Either directly or indirectly said about another person this is a serious racial incident and needs to be recorded and followed up by the school and logged with the Local Authority. At my school all parents of the children involved would be contacted and future actions discussed. This goes for any incident by the way that involves or intimates racism.

[quote mainsfed]@Peppafrig funny how you don’t refer to OP’s DS as a little boy. Think about your unconscious bias.

The point I made is that this is not just calling a child a name, this is a racial slur and therefore it needs to be taken seriously. You and plenty of others have minimised that and focused on the racist child not being made to feel bad.[/quote]
I could quote the OP again it was her that called it name calling

“I have spoken to DS who has said that this boy hasn't said anything to him since the name calling incident and there have been no further incidents since then”
You can see she called it a name calling incident herself . So you can keep reaching . Of course I’m bias as I called the OPs son her son and not a little boy . That is spectacularly reaching what a non point .

@mainsfed

Ok crack on love bully a little boy if that makes you feel better. You said yourself you reported it and it hasn’t happened again to your son again. But again hold it against the little boy for the rest of his life . If it makes you feel better.

Your true colours are showing Peppa.

Do tell me what my true colours are that are showing ?

I think what it comes down to is that two wrongs don't make a right. As adults, we have to set an example to our children of what is right.

I have a lot of sympathy with you though,
OP, because racist bullying is worse than other types of bullying. It denigrates aspects of someone's identity, culture, family etc. in a way that other bullying doesn't. I can understand why you don't want to give this boy anything and holding a small party for your DS when restrictions loosen is a good way to deal with this. You're not singling him out, which would be wrong, but neither do you have to give treats to someone who has deliberately caused hurt to your child.

@Peppafrig you repeatedly refer to OP’s son as such or child and repeatedly refer to the racist child as a ‘little boy’. Can you really not see what that reveals about your unconscious bias?

Op has referred to the incident as racism, bullying, a nasty comment as well. It’s you who has focused on this being a one-off name calling.

@Peppafrig

Do tell me what my true colours are that are showing ?

Your bias and willingness to dismiss racist behaviour and accuse a woman trying not to reward racism as a ‘bully’.

Bullying or having said something nasty to you is on a completely different level to being abused for your skin color. I completely agree having grown up on the receiving end of such comments. Being told to go back home, "where are you really from?" Etc. I love being black now but for a long time I felt ugly and like my skin colour was somehow my fault. No one should experience this.

In regards to anti bullying policies etc. The school have said to me that the very first incident of racism in the school ever was the one directed at my DS. Surely the very first time is one time too many. They should have a zero tolerance policy for racism.

I know you've mentioned safeguarding but I would speak to them again as the boy saying such things is hearing it from somewhere, probably at home, and shouldn't be exposed to such language or mindsets.

Whilst you clearly know excluding the boy would also be wrong, I understand the thought crossing your mind as it's heartbreaking to see your child bullied and racially abused (although think/hope you would never do it).

I'd ask the school what they have in place to deal with racism and ask if they need some help or guidance becasue it sounds as though they do!

@bridgetreilly

There is no party. Just party bags that are given out in class.

Huh? What is this new level of bonkers? If there's no party, there's no need for party bags. Which resolves the issue with this other child nicely. Move on.

^^ THIS! With bells on!

Why on God's earth would you be handing out party bags, OP?! Bonkers!

@80sMum RTFT

[quote mainsfed]@Peppafrig you repeatedly refer to OP’s son as such or child and repeatedly refer to the racist child as a ‘little boy’. Can you really not see what that reveals about your unconscious bias?

Op has referred to the incident as racism, bullying, a nasty comment as well. It’s you who has focused on this being a one-off name calling.[/quote]
No I can’t see how that would be unconscious bias at all. Do tell ?He is her son and the other little boy is not . So I refer to him as the OPs son. The reaching there is hilarious .

@Peppafrig no, because you also refer to OP’s son as a ‘child’ but refer to the racist child as a ‘little boy’. You do this repeatedly. If it’s not unconscious bias then I guess you’re doing it deliberately.

Urgh horrible situation. I couldn’t leave a child out though no matter what they’d done if you’re doing the rest of the class.

[quote mainsfed]@Peppafrig no, because you also refer to OP’s son as a ‘child’ but refer to the racist child as a ‘little boy’. You do this repeatedly. If it’s not unconscious bias then I guess you’re doing it deliberately.[/quote]
you just sound silly at this point .