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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:

tenlittlecygnets · 07/03/2021 18:05

Sounds like you have different priorities... he is rude.

thosetalesofunexpected · 07/03/2021 18:05

@Starbumb

You and your boyfriend/Partner have fundamental different mindsets/values in life.

I think this is a red flag that you and him are incompatible as a couple,

Is there other aspects in your relantship or with him,you differ greatly/at odds then?

as this is not like a minor difference for e.g a couple ,one being into watching sports on tv and the other partner into watching Antique Roadshow kind of tv programmes.

KeflavikAirport · 07/03/2021 18:07

Bin him. He is a dick.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 07/03/2021 18:07

Fuck me. And you find this man attractive?

that1970shouse · 07/03/2021 18:09

I used to work in the City. It paid well but made me miserable. I couldn't stand the hypocrisy, fawning over people to their face but prepared to stab them in the back, the forced socialising out of hours, the greed and general nastiness. Any amount of money wouldn't make me happy there.

As long as you can survive on what you make, that's fine. Being happy in your job is worth a huge amount.

Ditch the BF if you want a life partner rather than short term fun. You are incompatible. If you stay with him you will come to despise each other and will be miserable.

Pickupapigeon · 07/03/2021 18:10

I agree with you OP, but there’s a lot more people who agree with your partner sadly. Look at how the early years workforce are paid, treated and viewed by society.

Cam2020 · 07/03/2021 18:12

Sorry, but you don't sound compatible to me as a long term relationship. These things become more important the further down the line you get.

For what it's worth, I'm with you on this one - being happy is much more important and the best measure of success to me. I really value what nursery nurses do. Seeing the bond between my daughter and her key worker (and other staff) is lovely and so important.

LunaHeather · 07/03/2021 18:12

I actually ended a casual relationship because the guy kept telling me how much more I was capable of doing, career wise.

Be wary.

Sapho47 · 07/03/2021 18:12

[quote Starbumb]@AccidentallyOnPurpose his wage is just normal but yes he's on more than me.
I know my wage isn't amazing but I know i'm such a caring, nurturing person who gives my all to those children and I deem that a success.[/quote]
I suppose from his view its you get the happy job thats your success, he works his job for more money and then will be subsidising you so he doesn't get his monetary success.

He'll earn more so be contributing more if you're together 10 years.

Fandabydosey · 07/03/2021 18:13

@Starbumb

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

Haha bet he wouldn't last for more than half a day as a nursery practitioner. Sadly it is seen as a glorified babysitter (to the uneducated mind and eye) I am a practitioner and it is actually really important and 0-5 is seen as the most important years of a child's life. You are right happiness and success are closely related. I measure success as something that you can be proud of. He has a very ignorant point of view

thosetalesofunexpected · 07/03/2021 18:13

@Starbumb

The red flag is cause your Partner is dismissive about your career/Job and values in life are.

He is quite negative by undermine you by having a dig, in subtle passive /(manipulative way, undertones.

The thing is, is this a start of potential pattern in your relantship?

How long have you been together?

Badoingbadoing · 07/03/2021 18:14

Blimey. I wouldn’t do your job for all the money in the world. SUCH a difficult and responsible job. And (as the mother of a child in nursery) I’m really really pleased to hear that you love it. Good for you.

People who are motivated by money are, in my experience, some of the most boring people in the world.

Keep on doing what you love; sounds like your boyfriend could - and should - learn a lot from you.

OttilieKnackered · 07/03/2021 18:14

Scottishskifun I don’t agree with that. In your case, I assume your joint wages are enough, but what if they’re not? And what if both partners really want a low wage/low stress/makes them happy job?

What if your DH said he didn’t want to work at all any more? Would you be happy to support him forever while he loafs around?

Ladywinesalot · 07/03/2021 18:14

Happiness can be a strange concept.

I’d be happy & content to eat chocolate and drink wine all day, everyday..

Would that be a healthy or good choice?

No.

Your partner is this king of the future, and quite rightly.
If you content on a power washer with little ambition where as he is the opposite you are not a good match.

Do you have any dc? Are you a home owner? Do you own a car? Do you wish to travel?

Life needs money and if you don’t see that and are happy on a below national wage, you are in for a life shock.

Viviennemary · 07/03/2021 18:14

Just so long as you don't expect somebody else's hard work to provide for you.

Ladywinesalot · 07/03/2021 18:14

*thinking

DeeCeeCherry · 07/03/2021 18:18

Well, it was a debate. He's under no obligation to have the same opinion as you on what success in life means. Freedom of thought. You can however decide if this difference is a deal breaker for you

Rewis · 07/03/2021 18:20

Let's say you will go back to teaching? Then what? It's not exactly a high paid profession and that can kind of be 'it' since you don't advance necessarily the same as in an engineering firm. Like should you and to be a headmaster? Teach at Eton? Become a university professor? Or will being 'just' a teacher be enoug?

I'm not saying he is wrong. People measure success differently. I think like you. My bf is a lot more money oriented and measures success in money and money means a lot more to him that to me. He is on the phone with his bff and I ask how he is doing. I will get an explanation about him raise bad promotion and the new house they bought, but no mention of what he and his family has been up to (to this day we dont know if they got married as planned since apparently it has not come up). But he does not disrespect my choices and disrespect certain professions.

What he said was hurtful and this is something you need yo discuss. What does the dissapointement means to him, will you be resentful? Will he do absolutely anyhting to be successful in his standards (work 24/7 no annual leave)? Will he be resentful about financing your lifestyle?

This is one of those topics you should be on the same page if you are planning a future.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 07/03/2021 18:23

[quote Starbumb]@AccidentallyOnPurpose his wage is just normal but yes he's on more than me.
I know my wage isn't amazing but I know i'm such a caring, nurturing person who gives my all to those children and I deem that a success.[/quote]
It is up to you to decide what makes you happy, but is there a reason why you don't want to work as a teacher when you're already qualified? You could still be caring and nurturing while earning a great deal more.

Original poster

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:25

I don't expect my boyfriend to fund my lifestyle. I was an agency teacher until covid hit so I took a job as a nursery nurse.
When on agency work, my pay was okay and i've got a £6000 savings from it, so I don't expect to live off him;

And to the poster who said : would you support your boyfriend lounging about? I am not lounging about. I am working.

Also, in terms of family - many nursery nurses, care home staff, TAs and cleaners have children.

OP posts:

UserTwice · 07/03/2021 18:25

There are no end of threads on MN where the man has a so called "hobby job" or earns a fairly low salary but enjoys what he does.

This is fine if his partner is a higher earner who is prepared to provide the main financial support. But in most of the threads, his partner is expressing unhappiness with having the financial burden placed on them or would like to also take a lower paid job and/or work part time. Or the family simply doesn't have enough money. The advice then is generally that the man has to "step up".

OP's boyfriend is telling her that he's not interested in a relationship where they having differing levels of income/ambition. Better that OP has discovered this now, than after they have children.

Original poster

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:27

Also I am applying for teaching jobs aswell but it's the fact he'd be disappointed in me if I'm still a nursery nurse.
I know the teaching industry well and the area I am in is really competitve - Even schools an hour and a half away; He doesn't see this though, just thinks of the "teacher shortage" which only applies to certain areas or certain secondary subjects.
Therefore, there's also confrontation between the two of us as he feels he knows better than me about the teaching industry despite not stepping foot in a school since year 11.

OP posts:

ddl1 · 07/03/2021 18:30

Being a nursery nurse is one of the most important jobs, though underpaid, because you are looking after human beings at a crucial stage of development.

In any case: what right has he to threaten you with being 'disappointed' in you? He's not your parent or teacher!

Scottishskifun · 07/03/2021 18:31

@OttilieKnackered

What if your DH said he didn’t want to work at all any more? Would you be happy to support him forever while he loafs around?

My DH was due to take a year off work to look after our son and my wage was going to cover it but he switched jobs instead.

Would I let him not do anything..... No but he already is PT whilst I am FT and cares for our toddler to reduce the number of days at nursery.

As long as people have enough to afford live then why shouldn't people do jobs they enjoy?
I have several friends who burnt out in high salary high stress jobs. They have all switched to stuff they enjoy, one works with a charity and its low paid but absolutely loves it.

sst1234 · 07/03/2021 18:32

@KeflavikAirport

Bin him. He is a dick.

Why? Because he think differently to OP?

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