To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

[Starbumb]

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

I think he has a bit of a point.

Could you raise a family (if you want one) and live a life style you’d be happy with if you both earned what you are currently on, or if you were on your own?

I wouldn’t aim for a career that paid badly because I don’t think having a useful job that made me happy is success if it won’t pay my bills, and from what I’ve seen, average salary for a nursery worker is under 20k, which, as far as I’m concerned, won’t cut it.

I totally agree that nursery workers ought to earn more, but they don’t and I think that’s part of the ambition aspect - to be making choices that will meet your material needs as well as your emotional ones.

My husband isn’t particularly ambitious, he has a job he enjoys with people he likes, and which gives him a good work-life balance. I earn double his salary but I’d never dream of suggesting to him that he was somehow “lesser” or failing because he doesn’t strive for more money.

@Labobo

If he devalues the role of caring for children that much already, imagine what he'd be like if you chose to be a SAHM during the pre-school years. I would move on from someone with this sort of mentality.

Wtf. Women don’t just get to unilaterally choose to be a SAHM.

Hmm sorry i would now be ambitious to kick him into the long grass and find someone who under stand what you are saying, appreciates and understand the job you do and why and isn’t such a dickhead

Happiness is much more important. I had a similar conversation with my dad when I changed from a job I absolutely HATED, to a job that paid around 50p less an hour. He couldn't fathom why I wouldn't carry on with the job that was causing me so much stress because it paid slightly more.

What I am qualified to do earns me over £40k pa, it's reasonably easy to get a job (once qualified). I gave it up to do an arts job 10 years ago, and kept up my qualification here and there.

My husband's view is that he doesn't care if I am earning £40k or £25k or even less, as long as I can pay the bills I'm responsible for (I can manage these easily even on £25k so it's not really a big ask) then he has no problem with the financials, what matters is that I am happy.

I think if you live within your means and aren't struggling and you are fulfilled then yes, you are going to be happy and probably more motivated to move up and progress, but your quality of life is better if you are happy regardless.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who valued what extra money I could bring in over my happiness. I'm talking about after all bills are paid etc.

I'd bet that the reason the OP is only looking for jobs in her local area is the hypocrite she calls her boyfriend not being willing to move to somewhere she could actually get a teaching job.

Its one step from gasslighting to hold someone back then blame them for it...

Happiness is important but it’s not the only thing.

I’d want my children to use any degree (and be paying back student finance) that they had gotten. A stop gap job to pay the bills yes but they should be aiming for a job that means they are financially independent and can cover all their bills without assistance.

I'd find his attitude a real turn off to be honest, your decisions should be yours and respected. I would much rather be happy than in a well paid job.

Although his comments and assumptions about what you do are quite offensive, Id o also think there is some truth in what he is saying.

What is the point in you having worked your butt off to get your A-levels, then your degree and your QTS, to then be paid 1/2 the amount you could earn in a job that is not respected by society to pay what Nursery Nurses ought to earn.
He is completely wrong about the skillset needed to work as a Nursery Nurse, but not about why you would be content to be paid as a NN, and given the lack of opportunities for progression, when you have the skills and qualifications to take on the role of a Nursery Teacher, and earn a salary that gives you more choices and also more autonomy and input into the daily work you do.
If you are to remain as a couple, then that is important in terms of mortgage applications / family income for the next 50 years or so.

How would you feel if he were qualified in a skilled trade in his field (say a plumber) who could charge £50 and hour, if he then chose to work in an "unskilled" (in terms of pay recognition and job security) labourer, and then you couldn't get a mortgage, or afford to pay your bills, because he wasn't willing to earn what he was able to earn if he put his qualification to use ?

Yes, of course "happiness" is what we are all aiming for, but as a young couple, you have to be realistic about income and prospects as well.

Your DP is being a Dick! I was a Nursery Teacher and its demoralising to have your work degraded like this! Having said that ,there is a big difference in wages isnt there between teaching and Nursery work. I think if you like your job then maybe hes not the guy for you?

He’s not being completely unreasonable. You just have different values. Although he’s quite dismissive of what you do ....

That said, are you going to be happy in 10 years time on such wages?

I think you have quite different approaches to life, TBH i would be more like him—but I wouldn’t be with someone with a vastly different approach to life to me, and then judge them.

I do think it’s naive to think that a life on 19k would have the same opportunities and comfort as a life on 40k. Financial worries and pressures can come at any pay scale but can overcast any work fulfilment.

@Moominmammacat

My DS is a primary teacher. He has a PhD. Pay is atrocious, hours are atrocious, conditions are terrible. But he loves it and is happier than when he was in banking. You can't buy happiness. And what you are doing is so worthwhile.

You're talking as though your son works down a mine! What do you mean, the conditions are atrocious?

Would love to see him do your job for a few days. I would also like a 5 minute chat with your partner.

@Starbumb can you please elaborate on why you are only looking at jobs in your local area? Is it because he would not be willing to move with you or sustain a ling distance relationship if you got a teaching job in an area with a shortage of teachers?

It sounds as though your boyfriend is aiming to be a big fish in a small pond, reliant on local networks of mates for work but largely unqualified and unable to be mobile. If you were ambitious to build a teaching career and rise to a leadership position you'd have a better chance if you were mobile - graduate careers are best suited to those willing to move around the country at the start of their career. Your boyfriend is probably a millstone around your neck, with the audacity to blame you for not rising high enough while ancored down by him.

I think he expressed himself very badly, but I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship who was deliberately choosing to do a job that was poorly paid when they were capable of doing more. It's not very romantic, but if one of you earns much less than the other, that does change the dynamic of a relationship and in turn throws more pressure on the other to provide financially. Would you be equally happy if your boyfriend decided to do a poorly paid job because he loved it? How would you pay your bills; potentially bring up a family?

How old is your DP?
Life experience changes vies pretty quickly, IMHO - he is likely to change his mind in years to come.

BTW - Nursery nurses are underpaid and the nursery chains take all the profit. It is disgusting - Nursery Nurses are moulding our children at a young age, developing their brains, stimulating them and noticing issues and providing care and safety for our children. Thank you.

Also annoyed at the disregard to my job. Apparently "all" I do is wipe bums and tell children to "play nicely"

He clearly has no understanding of the work involved in your job! Nursery workers play a vital role in child development and I'm so grateful for them. My son has developed so much because of attending nursery.

It's up to you if you wish to be a teacher or stay in your career. I have many friends who quit teaching after several years as they hated it.

Many people search for years for happiness in a career.
Give him 3 hours with a toddler on his own and he will probably change his tune!

If a man in my life belittled my choice of career and professed a ‘disappointment’ in me for not confirming to their ideals, I’d tell him to get to fuck, I think.

@UserTwice

I think he expressed himself very badly, but I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship who was deliberately choosing to do a job that was poorly paid when they were capable of doing more. It's not very romantic, but if one of you earns much less than the other, that does change the dynamic of a relationship and in turn throws more pressure on the other to provide financially. Would you be equally happy if your boyfriend decided to do a poorly paid job because he loved it? How would you pay your bills; potentially bring up a family?

If its a strong and decent relationship financial differences doesn't factor into the relationship dynamic and I say this as someone who earns over double my DH and fully supported my DH changing careers for something he had wanted to do for years.

[quote Starbumb]@Iamclearlyamug I thought that too! Apparently being stressed but being on 100k a year is more successful than being happy and living a comfortable life but on 19k.

Also annoyed at the disregard to my job. Apparently "all" I do is wipe bums and tell children to "play nicely"[/quote]
I’ve done both and believe me money doesn’t mean squat if you have to miserably force yourself into work every day.

Sanity and work/life balance is so so important.

You two do seem to have quite different ideas which doesn’t necessarily bode well.

I think it’s very important to enjoy your job and childcare is underrated HOWEVER you also need to make a living, and although that salary might seem fine in your 20s, in your 30s and 40s it may not. To be fair to your boyfriend, he may be thinking about the future (mortgage, kids) and be frustrated that you appear not to be, he may also not feel confident enough in his earning power to support a family with a low income partner.

It might be worth thinking about the future - how will you get a mortgage, contribute to family income while paying childcare etc, and perhaps transfer to reception teaching - even if it’s with a view to returning to nursery as principle of your own set up eventually.

I think neither of you are wrong - you value different things. He considers happiness to be success and money, you consider it to be happiness regardless of income/career.

I don't think you're compatible. He isn't a Dickhead for thinking that way - I am very much like him as is my partner - we love making money and it's why we get on so much.

Your partner should have been a bit more thoughtful with his words. He needs to accept you as you are - or allow you to find a man who has the same values as you.

Breaking from the usual MN response that anything a man says is evil and the woman is always right, he is not wrong. And neither are you. He is absolutely right if he is driven by money and you are absolutely right if you want a job with different goals. You are just not compatible. That’s all.