Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
Diesse · 07/03/2021 17:13

Fair play to you, but I think balance is all. I’d struggle to be happy on 19k per annum, plus as you evolve in your career you might feel you need more challenge. But for now it suits you and that’s ace, but it would be quite something if you were still so fulfilled by it in 10 years.

DinosaurDiana · 07/03/2021 17:13

I never, ever wanted to be a manager in my profession.
I’m quite happy to go to work, take the pay, then come home and forget it.

Rollmopsrule · 07/03/2021 17:14

My sister said exactly the same thing to me years ago. She said our whole family was ashamed of me because of my job ( health care assistant) and I just wipe arses etc. Of course my whole family were not ashamed of me and I knew that. I loved the job and I was very good at it. She was just projecting her crap on me. She does have a very professional, highly paid job and is very proud of herself for achieving that status. Anyway years later I did go back to Uni and now Im in a specialist role I absolutely love and she now hates her job and is off work frequently because of the pressure.

I would absolutely judge your boyfriend for his attitude. It speaks volumes about how he quantifies others.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2021 17:14

I don't think it's a case of right or wrong. You just have different ideas of what success is.

It also very much depends on the lifestyle you want for yourself and your family in the future. For some people not being able to afford a certain lifestyle makes them feel unsuccessful.

Being happy on a lower income is fine for some people, but others will hate not affording the things they want and won't feel happy about it. It's about finding the right balance really...but neither of you are wrong.

Sadly the care industry is very low paid in spite of being very important and much needed in society.

If you climb higher up the chain in the care sector, the pay can be very good, but you'd need to manage people and take on a lot of responsibility.

You don't share the same views on success and now isn't a bad time to explore where you stand on other things which can cause problems later on.

TedMullins · 07/03/2021 17:15

As long as you can be financially independent it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. He’s a disrespectful knob and you can solve this problem quickly by dumping him

SionnachGlic · 07/03/2021 17:15

Maybe he is just looking to the future & worried that all financial stresses are going to be his burden if you are just happy going along being happy.. who will be.saving for a deposit, responsible mortgage repayments, creche / school fees, holidays. I see it alot with some couples (in my line of work)... DW tells me about financial stresses that DH is under when she could, but doesn't, earn/contribute more. He may be sounding like a bit of a dick right now.... but he is not wrong for wanting an equal partner if that is what he wants when looking toward the future. If in fact he is just being sneery...then not v nice. Maybe your ilife visions & future goals (as a couple) are just not compatible

crimsonlake · 07/03/2021 17:15

I suppose to some it could be considered a waste to spend what is it four years training to be a teacher and not to make use of your qualifications. I am assuming you have a large student loan to pay back?
You obviously qualified so completed your training and I wonder what led you to take up a lower paid job still working with children especially if say you were primary trained?
However if it works for you and you are happy that is the main thing.

greenyfrog21 · 07/03/2021 17:18

Again I do not think the problem is your job but your divergent views on success. And perhaps his complete disregard of humans etc.

Frankly, your job is precisely as important as that of a teacher. I am an academic and always think of nursery workers as working with the kids at the start of their learning journey and me polish them off at the end ;-)

It is beyond shocking how little your profession gets paid and is genuinely one of the more upsetting things about this country how little they pay those that care. It's upsetting and honestly, I would not be able to live with anyone who held that view. Sorry....but it really really gets to me especially as someone with a small kid

pourqouimoi · 07/03/2021 17:19

I know you don't want to engage with what people are saying here but I totally think you should get out of this relationship

willibald · 07/03/2021 17:19

You are not at all compatible. Why waste your time? Move on.

TalktotheFoot · 07/03/2021 17:20

I couldn't entertain the idea of having a long-term relationship with someone whose views were so fundamentally different to mine.

Sorry OP, but it looks like the two of you are not suited.

BlueSussex · 07/03/2021 17:21

he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time

Well I would just tell him that's not going to be his problem as whatever you are doing in ten years time, he won't be part of it.

TYEPlay · 07/03/2021 17:22

As a guy I agree with him that my definition of success is more tied to ambition and building something (although i'm more drawn to trying to enact social change vs salary as my judgement of success). That is my personal definition of being successful and brings me satisfaction.

His view of success isn't an issue, we are all entitled to our opinions and self truths.

The issue is trying to force your view of success on other people, it strikes me as a very immature way to view the world.

Magnificentmug12 · 07/03/2021 17:22

Your boyfriend is talking sense. It’s not romantic or even nice to hear really, because it’s a cold truth, one that’s not nice to hear. What makes it worse is when you realise it yourself it’s pretty fucking shit to be honest.

It’s all about money- happiness is just a bonus- that’s the blunt truth of reality.

2bazookas · 07/03/2021 17:22

Obviously he knows nothing about children, child development or you.
If you plan to become a mother, pick your children a better father.

mummyof2lou · 07/03/2021 17:26

@TooMinty

I don't think it matters whether we agree with your measure of success, what matters is that you and your boyfriend have such different values and also he is making unpleasant remarks about a career he knows you enjoy. I think maybe this relationship might not work in the long term?
Exactly this
Labobo · 07/03/2021 17:27

If he devalues the role of caring for children that much already, imagine what he'd be like if you chose to be a SAHM during the pre-school years. I would move on from someone with this sort of mentality.

Witchlight · 07/03/2021 17:27

I think if you are happy with your job AND you are happy that it will give you the lifestyle aspire to, you are a success.

However, if you stick with a low paying role because you enjoy it, but expect a partner to subsidise the lifestyle by earning a greater share of money that is more problematic.

I know several people who have trust funds. They were able to take fabulous jobs in publishing, art galleries and charities and get great satisfaction from their jobs, but their lives are subsidised. Are you expecting your partner to subsidise your life? If not, fine - however if you are, he’s saying he’s not happy about it.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 07/03/2021 17:27

Another take - he might be a little jealous. I've always been in a relatively well paid sector, but I have always been under a lot of financial pressure, since a child. I would much rather work in a caring role, and less financial responsibility plus the security of working in say the NHS.
I worked a second job in the emergency sector for years until I had children, to fill that gap. I find it much easier to deal with the public and help people than what I currently do
I dated a guy who did similar, and I have to admit I felt a little bitter that he "got to" coast along while I' worried about the future.
Disclaimer: I admit my attitude is shit, and jealousy is a terrible emotion. However I will feel jealous, and just go quiet when my friends talk about their jobs 😭
If you are in a safe position financially, or are with someone that supports you, then that's great.
I think ultimately you either need to find that person he is not compatible!

Witchlight · 07/03/2021 17:28

You aspire to

VettiyaIruken · 07/03/2021 17:29

Don't have children with him. Imagine how miserable they'd be with the stress of living up to his expectations and never feeling good enough.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/03/2021 17:30

Are you stuck in an area where there are more teachers than teaching jobs because of him?

Why not apply for teaching jobs all over the country and leave him standing alone where he is?

I agree with your definition of sucess but ironically I suspect it's actually him holding you back from getting the higher earning job you're qualified for by refusing to be your trailing spouse/ moving away from where his work is to where yours would be.

apalledandshocked · 07/03/2021 17:32

I would be wary of anyone who tries to tell you what you are/that they know better than you. That is what he is doing when he says "you're more ambitous than to stay as just a nursery nurse" when you have said you would be happy to. That is never a good sign (regardless of what you want to do with your life).

firstimemamma · 07/03/2021 17:33

You are right op.

Northernsoullover · 07/03/2021 17:36

I'm a single parent and I was a TA, then I worked as a self employed cleaner. As a lone parent on tax credits I started to think ahead about my future when the tax credits ran out. There is absolutely no way i could live on minimum wage. I started to panic about ending my days in a HMO house share. Working at a job you love for low wages is fine if you have another household income. Not fine if you are alone.
I put myself through a degree to become an Environmental Health Officer. I suddenly became ambitious when faced with poverty in my old age.