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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
EnoughnowIthink · 07/03/2021 18:35

It's a balance. When I was younger, I'd have said happiness is the most important thing in life to pursue. However, having gone through a period of hardship post-separation and divorce, I would now say that you need to be realistic. If you can comfortably acheive what you want on your salary and be happy, that's what you're looking for. Can you buy a house where you would like? Can you afford to pay for childcare for the number of children you would like? Can you afford a car to get around? Manage an increase in utilities if you get stuck at home for 6 months during a pandemic? Can you save so you have money put away should anything happen - cancer diagnosis, you have a serious accident and can't work, for example. No amount of happiness will keep the roof over your head if you can't pay your rent or mortgage....If you have enough to do all that, then I would say you have acheived what most people never manage!

Somethingkindaoooo · 07/03/2021 18:35

Gosh.

People like him often have those views because they lack insight, or because they don't value children.

He has insight through you, and all you do.

Is he generally misogynistic?

tsmainsqueeze · 07/03/2021 18:36

[quote Starbumb]@AccidentallyOnPurpose his wage is just normal but yes he's on more than me.
I know my wage isn't amazing but I know i'm such a caring, nurturing person who gives my all to those children and I deem that a success.[/quote]
Yes that is a success , and i bet the parents of the children you care for know your attitude is genuine and that you are kind.
My job has always been a vocation and not well paid but totally right for me.
To be happy in your work is so important , but i would be very clear what your boyfriend expects from you in the future ie kids , life together etc because i think he sounds like he may be hard work and may place an unfair burden on you to be always striving for more at the expense of your happiness.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 07/03/2021 18:36

You and your BF are not compatible on this issue and as such are not suited for a happy, equal relationship. You should finish it now. That oft quoted Mumsnet saying "When someone tells you who they are believe them" is very relevant in your case.

KeflavikAirport · 07/03/2021 18:36

@sst1234 no, because he is utterly dismissive of childcare workers.

JayDot500 · 07/03/2021 18:37

@Viviennemary

Just so long as you don't expect somebody else's hard work to provide for you.
I agree with this

... but I also think being a nursery nurse is a hard job tbh. Perhaps the pay is the issue. But childcare itself is expensive for those who need it too. If OP had a job in KFC, then I think most would support the boyfriend more. But I think in this case I can understand why the OP feels successful.

SunshineCake · 07/03/2021 18:38

It is such a shame that working with children is valued as highly as a nurse, etc. Moulding the next generation. Helping people live to be the next generation and bare them. So important.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:39

I think overall it's a pet peeve of mine when people outside of education belittle the work of teaching assistants and nursery workers.
My boyfriend couldn't fathom that someone would actually want to be a TA/HLTA forever, according to him they all really "want to be teachers".

I told him i've met plenty of qualified teachers who are now HLTA's. He doesn't believe me.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 07/03/2021 18:40

Therefore, there's also confrontation between the two of us as he feels he knows better than me about the teaching industry despite not stepping foot in a school since year 11.

Oh OP think hard.

A bossy, know-it-all twat who thinks money equals happiness and is denigrating about your life choices?

get rid!!!!!!

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:42

Apparantly "nobody grows up wanting to be a teaching assistant'

OP posts:
Warsawa31 · 07/03/2021 18:42

You are free to define your own definition of success as is he.

Money for its own sake with material excess isn't something to be aspired to IMO. Consumption with no thought of the environment etc are not the pinnacle.

However wealth can be used in positive ways - all money does is magnify your influence - if you are an arsehole with no money you'll be a bigger arsehole with money. If you are good person you can be a generous person with your wealth

Looking down on people for their job is something I find tells you a great deal about the person. You do an important job and make a difference in the lives of children everyday - IMO the pay for this is nowhere near enough, if a nursery advertised that they pay their staff the living wage I would defiantly sent my DD to it - instead the compete for business with lower prices like most other places.

Sweak · 07/03/2021 18:43

I would love your job. Would you mind helping me? Are you primary or secondary trained? I'm a qualified teacher (secondary) and I really want to move into early years. Due to my children I can only do term time, so mostly pre schools. I applied for one job and the manager replied saying no as I don't have a 'full and relevant' qualification. I was under the impression QTS is equivalent to Level 3 and Level 6? Another replied saying no as I don't have early years experience. I find it so demoralising, I've got a degree, a PGCE and in my last teaching job I was a manager! I see you got the job via an agency...did you go in as unqualified bank staff? Are they counting your QTS as qualified? Thank you

SionnachGlic · 07/03/2021 18:45

Would you be at all put out if he quit his well paying job & got a lower paying job , was happier but without any desire to improve his financial situation? I'm not saying it equates & I understand you are earning but you do need to be on the same page about who brings what to the table... yes, plenty of people in lower paying jobs have kids, of course they do....the most important thing is that they are good parents & you don't need money to be that...but if you want this, that & the other for yourself & your kids & can't provide for it, you both need to be happy with that & what you do have. It is very important to be in agreement on such things & unfair on each other to have different expectations. Fair enough, life throws curve balls & things happen...job losses etc...but that aside, fundamentally you need to be sympatico on the roles & responsibilities when planning a future together...

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2021 18:46

For the life of me, I cannot fathom why you haven't left him. You keep saying 'boyfriend' as if youre genuinely considering staying with someone who has just insulted you.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:47

@Sweak yes I'm usually an agency worker :) I have QTS in early years (PGCE) and also an undergraduate in education studies.

Through the agency, i was usually day to day. I got quite a bit of nursery teaching.
The nursery's i've worked at have always been attached to schools though, not private (so perhaps this is why the 'relevant qualification" wasn't an issue).

But agency work is a great step in the door. Plenty of secondary teachers do supply in primary and eyfs so it's worth looking into and telling your agency you would like some nursery/reception experience :)

OP posts:
ktp100 · 07/03/2021 18:48

He's not going to change his attitude and will look down on you moving forward so if I were you I'd be sending him packing.

mcclucky · 07/03/2021 18:48

What are your financial goals for the future, and how do they stack up against his?

Specifically... re homeownership, children and holidays. He might not be subsidising you now, but if you do expensive things in the future together, surely he's going to have to? Or are those expensive things in the future things that you don't want? Does he also not want them?

It is possible to have more than one right answer to the definition of success. However, it's a problem when two people in a relationship disagree on the right answer.

Crazycactuslady · 07/03/2021 18:48

Happiness is definitely the key op.

I'm a qualified secondary teacher, masters in education etc etc... three years ago I quit on the spot after I was assaulted at work, in a classroom, resulting in PTSD.

I spent the last 3years working in a bike shop and then had a baby. I'm retraining in a very niche research job that has lost a high number of posts in the specific field due to covid. (The pay is generally crap, but it's a field I'm passionate about...) It's a waiting game, so for now, I'm a SAHM whilst retraining.

My husband is very supportive, but my parents regularly ask when I'm going back to teaching (I'm not). I'm too old at 35 to care whether they think I'm a 'failure', I'm happy and my MH is good. No job could make me feel more successful than that.

Trickyboy · 07/03/2021 18:49

It boils down to this... if your boyfriend decided he wanted to take a job he 'loved' that paid 19k a year... the same as you want to do. Would you be happy with the long term life that offers you ?

You take time off to have DC and then the 3 of you are on 19k.. which means universal credit support because that's not enough for rent and food let alone buying a house.

If yes... then you need to find a less ambitious partner who won't think you aren't pulling your weight.

If no ... then enjoy a life on the breadline.

Your boyfriend simply doesn't feel why you should have the 'fun' low paying job whilst he pays the lions share.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 18:51

@Sorefret

Hmm, I think it depends (a bit) on whether you're happy with the lifestyle a nursery nurse's salary brings or whether you're expecting him to make up the difference.

What happens if you're both happy with that level of success? Could you, for example, have a family?

I get paid the same as op and I have a family Confused in fact when I had ds both me and dp earned less than we do now.

Op your boyfriend is wrong and I'd feel off about it too. As someone who has sent their child to nursery I am incredibly happy that we have people like you who live their job and do incredible with with children.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 07/03/2021 18:52

@Trickyboy

It boils down to this... if your boyfriend decided he wanted to take a job he 'loved' that paid 19k a year... the same as you want to do. Would you be happy with the long term life that offers you ?

You take time off to have DC and then the 3 of you are on 19k.. which means universal credit support because that's not enough for rent and food let alone buying a house.

If yes... then you need to find a less ambitious partner who won't think you aren't pulling your weight.

If no ... then enjoy a life on the breadline.

Your boyfriend simply doesn't feel why you should have the 'fun' low paying job whilst he pays the lions share.

Erm, excuse me but in some parts of the country 19k each is plenty enough to buy a house.
Crimeismymiddlename · 07/03/2021 18:52

I think men, due to society’s expectations of them to ‘provide’ have a narrow vision of what successful is. Years ago I was mad about a man with two jobs, one normal mom-fri and a bar job on the side. He came after a few boyfriends who worked only worked part time so I found the two jobs very attractive. All my female friends loved that he was a manly hard worker, every man I mentioned it too said ‘so he can’t earn enough full time then’.

sst1234 · 07/03/2021 18:53

[quote KeflavikAirport]@sst1234 no, because he is utterly dismissive of childcare workers.[/quote]
But he didn’t dismiss childcare workers. Unless OP comes back and says different. He dismissed the profession as he doesn’t believe he could be happy in that profession due to low pay. That’s two different things.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 07/03/2021 18:53

It depends on what makes you happy? I think it’s a lot easier to be happy on a middle-ground income (day 40k) where you can afford to live where you want, socialise and go on holidays without having to worry. You can make life choices like children or separating from a partner or buying a house without having to worry over every penny. Personally I think it’s an exact middleground, to find something in this region that you can happily do each day. Then as a bonus if you want to earn more. But no I would not be happy earning less, and I would not be happy being with someone earning less.

We all set that amount in our head, it’s crucial if you’re considering a long-term future with someone to think about this.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 18:53

@TrustTheGeneGenie yes I don't understand these comments about low paid jobs and the ability to have children when loads of people do it.
It's not just high-paying earners that can have kids Confused

OP posts:
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