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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
CrazyOldBagLady · 07/03/2021 16:53

He doesn't have a lot of respect for you if he doesn't want to understand your point of view and will happily just insult and upset you instead.

I think you need a new relationship before you need a new career, personally.

That said are you really going to be happy not even making an average wage for the rest of your life? When you are a bit older might you not want a bit more to buy a larger house, decorate it nicely, have more children, take up whatever hobby you fancy, travel, not have to worry when cars and boilers break down? Even how to pay for retirement. At 25 I would personally be thinking how I was going to work my way up the ladder to have a better standard of living for me and my family by the time I was 35.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/03/2021 16:55

I think you have different values and you should end the relationship and find someone more compatible. I was an Early Years teacher (now retired) and worked with several excellent Nursery Nurses who could have been teachers but chose to put their energies outside work into other things. I was never ambitious for promotion, myself, as I wanted time to pursue other interests. It's the difference between working to live and living to work.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/03/2021 16:55

He would be disappointed in you? That's really harsh and I dont think it would be easy to get past

PattyPan · 07/03/2021 16:56

Yanbu, he is being a knob. You said he works in the building industry - does that mean he doesn’t have a degree? Maybe he is jealous that you have one and aren’t using it?

OutComeTheWolves · 07/03/2021 16:57

IMO success is being able to recognise what makes you content- (and I believe this is harder than it sounds because it requires a great deal of looking inwards and ignoring societal ideas about success) and then building a life around that.

I know too many people who got stuck at the top of a ladder that they didn't even really want to climb.

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:57

Of course I want to make my way up, maybe even go back into teaching one day. I also maybe want to go back and do a masters in education;
But if in 10 years time, for whatever reason, i'm still a nursery nurse, I now feel paranoid that my boyfriend will see me as a failure

OP posts:
CoffeeRunner · 07/03/2021 16:57

My worry would be that in the future, nothing you do will be enough.

If you leave the job you love & become a school teacher, will you then have to Deputy Head? Or a Headteacher? Could you stay in a school you love or would have have to reach higher to a senior position in a private school who can afford to pay more?

Will it just be your career? Or does he have ambitions for your life in general?

I do agree it’s natural for someone to want their partner to do well & succeed. But you can do that in any job. Happiness is much more important than money IMO (so long as you have enough to live on).

Fourandtwentymilliondoors · 07/03/2021 16:58

I do think it’s a little of both. Having a job that you love but which doesn’t pay the bills isn’t, to me, successful. However a job you enjoy that brings in enough money to give you the lifestyle you want is absolutely successful to me.

Tal45 · 07/03/2021 16:59

I dread to think what he'd think of you if you said you wanted to be a stay at home mum!

Original poster
Starbumb · 07/03/2021 17:00

Tbh I ended up as a nursery nurse because of covid; Teaching jobs get loads of applications where I am so I was agency. With covid, I took whatever so have been working in a nursery for a year and I love it!

I'm back to applying for teaching jobs now, but with the amount of competition in my area, the nursery nursing is great for now.

OP posts:
B3ttyBoop · 07/03/2021 17:03

This 'you only really count if you're earning x amount doing the right kind of job' bs is very blinkered and arrogant. It also minimises you and your work. Alot of the jobs he's written off are incredibly difficult to do. Frankly, we'd all be screwed if all the cleaners, bin men, delivery drivers, carers etc decided they should be ultra ambitious and get 'important' jobs.

You're a qualified professional who enjoys their work and if you're in that role in 10yrs time, you'll be an expert in that field.

littlepattilou · 07/03/2021 17:04

Glorified babysitter? What a twat.

I wish I had the patience and the talent to look after lots of young children.

You do a wonderful job! Flowers

IsThePopeCatholic · 07/03/2021 17:05

He sounds like an arrogant twat.

RosieGuacamosie · 07/03/2021 17:06

I’m not sure I’d want to be on £19k for the rest of my working life, but that’s just because it would limit the non-work aspects of my life so much if you see what I mean.

I can understand this viewpoint. I’m a higher earner (and when I was younger I hoped to be) so I wouldn’t have been happy settling down with a lower earner which would leave me carrying the financial burden. I’m guessing since you’re a qualified teacher he assumed you’d be in a teaching role (and therefore on a higher salary with more options for progression).

That being said, some people just don’t have a raging ambition to climb to the top of the career ladder and that’s perfectly ok! FWIW I think you’re doing a very worthwhile job. You just need to find someone you’re more compatible with, plenty of men are perfectly happy to have a partner in a role such as yours.

I dread to think what he'd think of you if you said you wanted to be a stay at home mum!

Confused women aren’t entitled to become SAHMs, it’s a mutual decision, and I can completely understand why some men wouldn’t want this.

User0ne · 07/03/2021 17:08

Can you imagine what he would say if his building business (that he may or.may not have) really takes off, you have 3 kids and you become a SAHP because for your lifestyle and finances it makes sense.

What would he say about you then?

He sounds like a dickhead

MindyStClaire · 07/03/2021 17:08

I would probably define success in terms of career and salary. But I completely agree that happiness and job satisfaction are more important.

Most importantly, he completely dismisses your work. I know how hard the women in DD's nursery work, how important their work is and how underpaid they are. Why doesn't he see that in you?

1forAll74 · 07/03/2021 17:08

His views are some what skewered, and narrow minded, what will you do about this matter ? It''s a bad attitude that he has, and he may well have more bad attitudes to reveal later. Manners maketh man, not money, as the saying goes.

SunshineCake · 07/03/2021 17:09

I'd be disappointed in you if you're still with him in ten years..

ILoveShula · 07/03/2021 17:09

Not RTFT.
Did you mean your ex-boyfriend, @Starbumb?

TheLumpySofaCushion · 07/03/2021 17:09

@TooMinty

I don't think it matters whether we agree with your measure of success, what matters is that you and your boyfriend have such different values and also he is making unpleasant remarks about a career he knows you enjoy. I think maybe this relationship might not work in the long term?

This x 1000.

chestnutshell · 07/03/2021 17:09

I think the key to success is fulfilment. So I’m slightly disagreeing with both of you and agreeing with you both at the same time. If you get your fulfilment out of a caring profession, lovely colleagues, child-focussed environment etc then that’s great. You should do that. If he gets his out of chasing monetary success then that’s great too. However, he should not be making you feel like your path to fulfilment is of less value than his. It isn’t. You have a job you like going to everyday and that really is a wonderful thing.

My partner and I are a similar age and stage to you and yours. I work for a charity and make a modest living but I think my colleagues are fab, my office is fun and I get to do loads of great events which are impactful and I feel good about that. My parter is very successful in what he does, chasing promotion and recognition in his corporate work give him energy and motivation. I couldn’t live like him as I’d be exhausted and he couldn’t live like me because he’d be frustrated. We ensure that we keep the utmost respect for each other’s paths.

He wants a certain lifestyle and I benefit from that enormously but need to be aware that if one day he turns around and doesn’t want to do that anymore then the lifestyle is gone and it’s out of my hands. No complaints. If he found something different to give him fulfilment and energy then that would be more than fine by me. Likewise, he knew who I was and the job I had when we got together. I don’t have big dreams of loads of money. I like who I am and what I do, so he needed to be good with that too.

TillyTopper · 07/03/2021 17:11

To me his comments out mean a big red flat on him and I'd seriously consider whether I wanted to get any further involved with him.

littleburn · 07/03/2021 17:11

Having read your subsequent posts OP, YABU for staying with someone who speaks about you and your profession with such clear disregard. Your partner should build you up, not put you down.

Moominmammacat · 07/03/2021 17:11

My DS is a primary teacher. He has a PhD. Pay is atrocious, hours are atrocious, conditions are terrible. But he loves it and is happier than when he was in banking. You can't buy happiness. And what you are doing is so worthwhile.

Olivia5489 · 07/03/2021 17:12

What a horrible thing for him to say. My last boyfriend was also like this and would put down all the ideas I had concerning my career, I found it really hurtful and needless to say we did not stay together.

I think success can be measured by what makes you happy and enables you to sustain yourself. If you work in a nursery and are happy and can ensure you are financially secure than you have had a successful career in my opinion.

Do what makes you happy, at the end of the day, when you look back at your life, would you rather be earning millions in a job you are miserable in for 50 years or would you rather pursue your passion and be able to say you have had a fulfilling career?

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