To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

[Starbumb]

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

I think your boyfriend was extremely rude and his comments were totally uncalled for but I do agree with others that having a similar vision and ambitions is probably pretty paramount and so it doesn’t bode well.

I think if you know you will be on a low wage for pretty much the rest of your life due to your choice of career and you have common projects (house, baby etc...) that would require him to pretty much carry most of the financial responsibility to happen and he isn’t comfortable with that, then I think that’s definitely a conversation that needs to be had.

I am a former teacher and was on a low wage for a fair chunk (I am in my 20’s though if that’s relevant) due to how underpaid many jobs with kids are, but wasn’t viable for me to continue to live on a low wage due to the goals I have and now make closer to six figures (not teaching but still working closely with kids) and while money doesn’t bring happiness it brings better options. Happiness is limited if you have to go without or postpone plans and life goals go live off your passion/hobby.

My plan is to buy a property and an investment property in the next year or two on my own (which would have been impossible on my former salary). I personally wouldn’t care much about a partner’s salary but I would begrudge most of the financial responsibility falling on me. I want to be in an equal partnership which doesn’t necessarily mean similar salary but similar abilities to provide and make our dreams/goals happen and not rely on one person to make most of it viable.

My recent career change (in 40s) has meant more than a 60% pay cut and I feel more successful now than I ever did in my 12 years in my previous industry. So I agree with the OP, @Starbumb

PS I'm glad people like you are in the role that you're in that's the kind of person I want to be looking after my DC!

What matters to you the most? Pleasing your boyfriend or your own happiness? When you figure that out, you know what to do.

It's not the success thing. The issue is your partner is rude and patronising. I'd fuck him off for that attitude.

Reactions to a caring profession are an interesting indicator of twatiness. I'm a sw. I've had a few men do this extra patronising voice and say 'Awww you know you can't help everyone'. Ffs.

Also I work with loads of of nn who are brilliant and very astute professionals. I've never considered their salary until now. It doesn't reflect that enormous responsibly they have.

If you are happy in what you do it’s a tremendous thing and a huge measure if success. I would not be happy with someone who measured success in terms of monetary gain

Op if you really enjoy nursery aged childcare you can look into qualifying with a nvq level 3 or 4 initially. Consider long term setting up your own business

My husband’s the same. I work in a band 4 job in the NHS but apparently that’s not good enough and I need to find another job. I have a nice flexible job working with some lovely colleagues and they’ve been great with me (my husbands in the military and away a lot) so I’m very reluctant to change jobs. I’m not a materialistic person so lots of money doesn’t interest me.

OP, I'm really impressed how highly-qualified my child's nursery workers are - but I know from them that there is no room to progress. Very few get to be room leader, or move into management. Will you get tired of it at some point, and tired of being badly-paid?

Neither of you are necessarily wrong. How would you feel if he were a struggling artist who never expected to earn very much but was going to be very happy and fulfilled, and available to bring up any children? Would you still be that happy at, say, 48 on that income?

If you enjoy your job and are happy that is the most important thing. Yiu could change jobs and be paid a million pound a year and be miserable. Happiness first :) Take care!

@PattyPan

Yanbu, he is being a knob. You said he works in the building industry - does that mean he doesn’t have a degree? Maybe he is jealous that you have one and aren’t using it?

People don’t have to have a degree to be successful, it’s such an odd thing to say. Why would anyone be jealous of anyone’s degree!

My father works in the building industry, worked his way up from apprentice to owning his own business. Has all the trappings of ‘success’ - boats, classic cars, houses abroad, multiple holidays. I don’t think he’s jealous of anyone’s degree.

Whilst your partner has gone about it the wrong way, I agree that I wouldn’t feel successful staying in an entry level job. I want to live a comfortable life where I can travel lots and retire early, not achievable on entry level wages.

[quote Starbumb]@tiredybear i said the same thing!! I said to him it's disgusting how little government pay to the care sector.
For example, TA's make pittance for what they do.
My aunty is on 14k a year and works in an SEN school as a TA and gets bit, hit and kicked. She should be on more.

Caring for the elderly is no piece of cake either but the pay is atrocious.

His response?
"Well they made the choice to not be ambitious"[/quote]
Out of curiosity what earth shattering job does he do, I take it he was one of the scientists that cracked the covid vaccination

Plus you are only young yet op. No way of knowing what you will be doing in the future anyway. You are well qualified and have lots of work experience already-that's important.

Wow who died and made him king of the earth. You don't have to please him he doesn't sound like a keeper he thinks you're a servant and beneath him

My son is in a similar situation. He's been offered a job with pretty decent pay up north but he's also applied for another job down south where the money is £3000 less and accommodation in the area is considerably more expensive.

If he's lucky enough to be offered the Southern job he plans to accept that one rather than the better paid but not so interesting job in the North.

His partner is off the same opinion as the OP's daughter's partner, saying that the money is far more important.

Having worked a good proportion of my working life in the NHS, I knew I could get much better pay in the private sector but I was happy, I really loved my job, so I'm my opinion, it's far better to take the financial hit, especially early on so that you can enjoy your work, you never know, it could pay off in later years rather than ending up in something stagnant and boring just for a bit more money.

Needless to say, I've got my fingers crossed for my son to be offered the lesser paying job so that he'll be happy in his work (and stuff what the partner thinks, he doesn't have to do the job!).

As the saying goes.... if you enjoy your work, you'll never work a day in your life

Is it tii early to repeat, 'Get to fuck '? Seriously op, you're far better than this.
(that's a get to fuck to the arrogant partner btw)

Your partner sounds very immature. I'm in my 40s, not a high earner at all but very very happy with my job. I wouldn't even entertain being in a relationship with someone who couldn't respect that.

I could waffle about this for ages with so many personal examples but I’ll sum it up in the simplest way:
You are right. He is wrong.
Happiness is the only thing in life worth pursuing. Some learn that incredibly important fact early on, some learn it too late.

With his attitude, I'd be disappointed if in 10 years' time you didn't find yourself another partner who appreciates you and respects your choices.

I'm with you all the way. Money and ambition being confused with success is responsible for a lot of what's wrong with the world today.

Also, your boyfriend obviously knows fcuk all about what your job involves, so how come he thinks that his uninformed opinion should count?

Success is really personal to each individual. I’m a career coach and it’s so important for all my clients to understand what success looks like for them. That said, two things leap out at me here. One is that if you plan to make a life together as a couple you both have to be able to live with and respect each other’s definition of success, because you won’t be happy together if you don’t. Secondly, and linked to that, it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend respects what you do at all, and that’s not ok.

And another thing to consider - if that's his opinion of childcare, just imagine how he'll respect and appreciate you if you end up having a child and you end up doing most of the childcare and housework.

I can't stand such attitudes. Just reading about your boyfriend is raising my hackles.

Unfortunately, this is the result of an extremely materialistic capitalist society. Wealth and material objects become the pinnacle of success.

Don't like the way your DP disparaged your job, shows total lack of
respect for you and your choices.
I would be very wary as this in the long term will seep into other aspects of your life and choices. He sounds a boor.
Take your time with this relationship and think carefully.

Not sure you should spend your life with someone who has a different view of life from you. You need someone to support your choice of career, especially once/if you decide to have a child/children in the future. It's a lot of work at home for parents, especially mothers. It will have a big impact on your career. So you need a partner who is willing to take more responsibilities on the financial side and not so pushy on you.