To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

[Starbumb]

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

@SandyY2K

I really do wish more people didn't see these low-paid careers as less than high-paying ones. Carers, nursery nurses, SEN assistents, teaching assistants, cleaners, support workers give so much to society. None of then lack life skills because they have a low-paying career.

This is an idealistic view. There's no denying they give a lot to society and no question that they do have life skills, but in terms of their worth...they aren't valued as highly in as other roles.
Society wouldn't be able to function without these roles being performed.

When I was in school, some of the girls in the bottom sets were told to do a CSE in childcare instead of a science subject and it set the tone of how childcare was perceived.

I carry out job evaluations as part of my work now and I look at the skills required, qualifications, professional membership, and the main tasks and responsibilities etc. A job gets analysed and scored based on those things and the roles you listed (I've evaluated a few of them) have a lower score. So they pay less. We can easily get these roles filled when recruiting, because many people can do them.... they're not seen as difficult.

When people study to a certain level and go through further professional training for their roles, higher value is placed..which gives a higher reward. These roles are not as easy to recruit to.

That's one way of looking at it, the capitalist viewpoint. Very narrow, and absolutely to the detriment of all. Nothing matters more than caring for the vulnerable, to do so benefits all.

I previously had a successful career which I gave up. I'm now happier in my new "run of the mill" job.

I think success and happiness could be classed as separate issues. We all want different things so neither is necessarily right or wrong!

Even nursery nurses have to go to college and so 2 years of unpaid training before they can get a paying job.

People forget that it's those considered to be "unskilled" and on low salaries that are the very backbone of our economy and its thanks to them that people can keep their jobs for example for every doctor that treats a patient there are a entire team of Nurses,HCA's,domestics,porters,catering staff,admin staff,maintenance staff,lab assistants etc that make their position possible (also if they have kids then other people like yourself provide the childcare for them).

And as for being a qualified teacher;I know qualified teachers who have become classroom assistants etc as it's just less stressful/less work/less hours and who can blame them.

Differing ideas about what success means is not the issue here.

What matters is that your partner has said that he will be "disappointed in you" if you continue in your current career that you have said you are very happy in. He sounds like a tosser.

@Airbubbleme

That's one way of looking at it, the capitalist viewpoint. Very narrow, and absolutely to the detriment of all.
Nothing matters more than caring for the vulnerable, to do so benefits all.*

That's the reality of the world we live in and always will be.

There are so many jobs that are important in society...many of them are poorly paid.. .but they are very important nonetheless.

We would all be affected if refuse collectors went on strike. We'd soon have rats all over the place causing disease...leading to an outbreak. ..affecting our health. It's a very important job, but not one most people particularly value, yet it's vital to keep us all healthy.

As well as some of those jobs, there are also other careers that care for the vulnerable, but they command a higher salary and are a higher value. Such as doctors, social workers, Occupational therapists, Mental health Professionals, Psychologists etc..these all care for the vulnerable and they benefit all, but due to the level of training and qualifications for these jobs, they are valued more.

In the job evaluation process, which determines pay fairly...underneath it all fundamentally, we look at difficulty level...to determine the value of a job.

Yanbu at all.
You do not need him in your life op,his petty comments,negativity and unpleasant character is not suited to your more enlightened soul.
You'll find someone with your values once you ditch him.

Deffo dump him 😅 I’d much rather choose happiness over money and my partner agrees!

He's an idiot who doesn't deserve to be with you - don't waste any more of your precious time on him.His values just don't line up with yours which will cause you more and more grief as time goes on, and he doesn't respect you or value your opinions or wishes. Why are you with him again?

How absolutely excellent that he has said this now. It means you can dump his sorry bum and move on without wasting any more time.

@starbumb I know my wage isn't amazing but I know i'm such a caring, nurturing person who gives my all to those children and I deem that a success.

You sound amazing and I hope that my children are lucky enough to be educated by people with a similar outlook and mentality as you.

I relate to a lot of what you wrote in your subsequent posts. I don't earn as much as what my qualification has potential for because I don't cope well with stress and too often we are made to feel like this is a weaknesses in character.

To be honest, I think you should be a bit more ambitious, in your choice of partner! What a tosser.

@Starbumb

And it's not just if I was a nursery nurse he'd be disappointed, even if I was a supply teacher in 10 years time, he'd be disappointed

You probably won’t be together in 10 years. He’ll get sick of the “lack of ambition” and you’ll get sick of being unfairly judged for the career decisions you make.

Personally I wouldn’t stay with anyone who sees my happiness as a disappointment to them.

But also, I started off as a nursery nurse then became a nanny. I worked for high profile families, travelled and got an attractive wage.
But I still left that career after 9 years because I felt undervalued and would get chest pains on my way to work.
The good bits were wonderful but in the end it really wasn’t worth it. I had money in the bank but I was too tired, stressed and depressed to do anything with it apart from piss it away on pointless crap

He sounds like an absolute twat tbh OP
I would seriously consider a future with a guy who has ALREADY told you how disappointed he would be if you chose your happiness over his preference/opinion in 10 years time

Please end this relationship. You will really regret it if you don't. He values people according to their job title. That's vile

My DD had a a boyfriend like that. constantly telling her that he was wasting her life on a job that didn't pay well but gave her great job satisfaction. He aid almost the same as yours OP " if you are still doing that job and not what you studied for this time next year, then I'll be disappointed" her reply was "how will you know? You're not going to be around to know what I'm doing this time next week, we're done".

She is still in that job 8 years later and has a very supportive DP.

He is an idiot.
My son's nursery teacher was not only his first love, but she helped him conquer his fears, help him make friends and gave him confidence. He is now 14years old and she amd I are good friends, she will always hold a special place in my heart. You are doing an amazing job and you are happy, surely that is 'The dream.'

@Starbumb. I couldnt be around a prick like that. Id be embarrased. Id be saying bye bye. I bet your friends all think hes a wanker too. If you do, then im sure they will see it.

aid - said obviously. Oh for an edit button

OP I'm a rom com writer and you know whose side I'd be taking on this. Happiness all the way as long as you can survive on the wage and I mean survive becausehappinessis predominantly what you need imo! You're both just very different people but do suss it out a little, see if it's a deal breaker for you

I would be very careful staying with someone who you disagree on values about.
The values thing is what kills relationships.
It's also worrying that he seems to value you so little.
I have a daughter your age op and I would jot be happy if her bf was so dismissive of her and her choices
Oh and obviously you are right. I'm a tea fee and find the pay for what you do and what teaching assistants do too, for that matter, as outrageous.
You are doing something valuable with your life. Don't forget that.

There could be another bloke out there with a similar job & career aspirations for himself, yet who absolutely valued and appreciated your values and potential to return to teaching - or not - for what they are.

I recommend you get out there and find him!

There is no reason to live the next 50 years of your life being beaten with the judgy stick

*with not about.

*teacher. Omg stupid annoyed typing.

Bollocks to your boyfriend. I worked my arse off to get up the career ladder. Reached a decent position with great pay with the promise of going higher and achieving more. I was miserable fuck, stressed out and never home. I now work 30 hours a week in a different industry. I’m happy as a sand lark! Would never ever go back to such ‘success’.