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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel off about boyfriend's idea of "success"

404 replies

Starbumb · 07/03/2021 16:35

I am currently a nursery nurse and love my job, however I am a qualified teacher and although the nursery nurse pay isn't amazing, I adore my job.

Boyfriend and I had a debate in the car before about the idea of "success".

I said I'm very happy being a nursery nurse and I believe success is measured on happiness. He disagreed and said he'd be disappointed in me if I was still a nursery nurse in 10 years time when i'm 35 as I am a qualified teacher.

He believes money and ambition is the key to success.
I believe happiness is key to success.

I now feel off that if I did decide to stay as a nursery nurse that he'd be disappointed in me despite the job making me so happy.
Apparantly I am just a "glorifed babysitter".

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 18:07

I can see both sides of this, it’s one thing to be happy on a low income and love your job. It’s a whole different ball game being happy when your on a low income, with kids and bills to pay. That’s a little harder.

So maybe you’re just not compatible. He is ambitious and wants to earn to improve his lifestyle and be comfortable, and that’s ok. Success to him is being financially secure, you see it differently.

Cant say I’d be happy with someone who would be ok with earning just over Min wage, I wouldn’t want to carry them financially unless it was unavoidable, Ie something happened.

I don’t think either of you are wrong, but maybe you’re incompatible. You need to find someone who would also be happy on a low income and you can live your life together, a bit poor but happy,.

Manth0914 · 08/03/2021 18:17

I'd be off....

MarshmallowSwede · 08/03/2021 18:19

Happiness is the measure of success. Joy is the measure of success. Let your boyfriend work his job and have his idea of success and you keep yours.

He would be disappointed? He’s a boyfriend.. Are you planning to be with him for the rest of your life? Are you planning to marry him? If not then he doesn’t get to tell you what he would be disappointed in. He’s an intern trying to tell you, the CEO of your life what you should do to run the company that is your life. If he wants to be kept around for the rest of your life then he needs to change his tune.

Tell him to worry about his career and you will worry about yours.

Lilymossflower · 08/03/2021 18:25

Omg dont ever have kids with him you'll be doing all the work and he will be saying all you do is wipe bums and that your not even a glorified babysitter cause it's not even a real job

Lilymossflower · 08/03/2021 18:26

I yinkbits more than having different point of view, he is actually being very rude , be littling and demeaning about Ops choice of job

lucybluebella26 · 08/03/2021 18:27

I'm sorry but this would be a HUGE red flag for me. Telling you he'd be disappointed in you?? As if you should be working to please him?? No way.

I may have a stronger feeling than most on this as my ex was exactly the same, he said that unless I earned as much as he did (he was an engineer who had got the job through an apprenticeship years before we met) it was a waste of my potential.
After 8 years and a child, I had a breakdown. It was his standards or no standards, and I doubted every choice I made.
Stay where you're happy, and if he isn't making you feel good then I'd be asking some serious questions.

Sally2791 · 08/03/2021 18:29

He’s rude and disrespectful. Please don’t consider him a long term option, you are incompatible. Happiness is the best judge of success!

SwimmingInToys · 08/03/2021 18:33

Please, please do not have children with this guy. He obviously views childcare as easy and lacking value, and that is not someone you want to procreate with.

Most parents of young children are in awe at how wonderful, dedicated and hardworking their nursery staff/childminders etc are. We value ours so much and think they are woefully underpaid.

Lovetoplan · 08/03/2021 18:36

I'm a mum of three who was very ambitious and basically palmed off my kids to nannies, au pairs and boarding schools. I think I did them a lot of damage and I would not recommend anyone doing what I did if they have a choice. Don't think you can have it all and may be your BF needs a reality check!

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 18:43

@Sally2791

He’s rude and disrespectful. Please don’t consider him a long term option, you are incompatible. Happiness is the best judge of success!
I don’t think I agree to be honest, as said, it’s hard to be happy when you’re both skint, life isn’t the stuff of fairy tales, the bills need paying. I’m sure rhe op would be happy with another low earner, but there is nothing wrong with wishing a partner on the same financial level as you, with the same ambitions.

They are not compatible, it’s that simple. So they need to find other peoole, him with someone with the same life goals, and op someone who does not see money as important.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 18:44

@Lovetoplan

I'm a mum of three who was very ambitious and basically palmed off my kids to nannies, au pairs and boarding schools. I think I did them a lot of damage and I would not recommend anyone doing what I did if they have a choice. Don't think you can have it all and may be your BF needs a reality check!
You can earn much more than 19 k and not palm your kids off on nannies and boarding school. Millions of working parents do it and don’t damage their kids, it’s not min wage or high earner.
Fudgemonkeys · 08/03/2021 18:49

Sack him! You enjoy your job it's worth everything, too many people don't.

Vixyboo · 08/03/2021 19:04

I'd say your only lack of ambition is in who you've chosen as a partner...nothing else x

AirBubbleMe · 08/03/2021 19:10

[quote SandyY2K]**@Airbubbleme

That's one way of looking at it, the capitalist viewpoint. Very narrow, and absolutely to the detriment of all.
Nothing matters more than caring for the vulnerable, to do so benefits all.*

That's the reality of the world we live in and always will be.

There are so many jobs that are important in society...many of them are poorly paid.. .but they are very important nonetheless.

We would all be affected if refuse collectors went on strike. We'd soon have rats all over the place causing disease...leading to an outbreak. ..affecting our health. It's a very important job, but not one most people particularly value, yet it's vital to keep us all healthy.

As well as some of those jobs, there are also other careers that care for the vulnerable, but they command a higher salary and are a higher value. Such as doctors, social workers, Occupational therapists, Mental health Professionals, Psychologists etc..these all care for the vulnerable and they benefit all, but due to the level of training and qualifications for these jobs, they are valued more.

In the job evaluation process, which determines pay fairly...underneath it all fundamentally, we look at difficulty level...to determine the value of a job.[/quote]
Wrong. It might be the reality of your capitalist view of the world but fortunately the well-educated know better. Capitalism is unsustainable and the world (perhaps not the UK) is waking up, albeit belatedly, to the importance of sustainability. You probably think that means not using plastic bags but a sustainable world is one in which every being is valued for their intrinsic worth, not according to some poxy capitalist spreadsheet about "valuable skills".

I'm amazed that given your "expertise" that you seem uninformed of the value of soft skills, you seem very wedded to your (outdated) knowledge which is informed by a very narrow, patriarchal approach. In short, work at which women excel and have performed traditionally ie caring, organising, multi tasking, skills of empathy and creativity, flexibility, these are traditionally undervalued because they don't fit with the traditional view that male-dominated professions are somehow more valuable. It's called sexism and it goes back a really long way.

Any profession dominated by women has been downgraded, history tells us this. Teachers' salaries began to slide when more women joined the profession, the same happened with doctors.

Economic strength can only be fully realised through true diversity.

If you genuinely do grade levels of importance of skills, be warned that your knowledge is at the end of its shelf life. The stuff you're trotting out is very 90s, it's all about soft skills and STEM now. All the best upgrading to a sustainable career.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2021 19:14

[quote Starbumb]@Sorefret what do you mean could I have a family? Plenty of nursery nurses and teaching assistants have families?[/quote]
They do, but often because their partner is a higher earner

ddl1 · 08/03/2021 19:16

there is nothing wrong with wishing a partner on the same financial level as you

No, and it is understandable that some people may be uneasy about marrying/ living long-term with someone who is a low earner. They may fear, realistically or unrealistically, that if something happens to their own job they will be plunged into poverty. Money does matter, just for practical reasons; and for some people, it matters a lot.

However, this doesn't justify sneering at the OP's job and treating it as just 'wiping bums' and being a 'glorified babysitter'. Apart from all else, I would start worrying that the boyfriend might have a similar sort of attitude to parenthood.

IrisW · 08/03/2021 19:33

@TooMinty

I don't think it matters whether we agree with your measure of success, what matters is that you and your boyfriend have such different values and also he is making unpleasant remarks about a career he knows you enjoy. I think maybe this relationship might not work in the long term?
I second this - you’re either going to be unhappy in the relationship either way. If you stay in your job, you’re underachieving in his eyes. The alternative is changing your job to one you might not like.
Apple40 · 08/03/2021 19:34

As a childminder sadly I do feel people to look at you as just a glorified baby sitter and childminders are looked down upon more than nursery workers. This whole pandemic has just shown how under valued we are, not eligible jabs, not eligible for testing paid poorly for offering the funded hours, not allowed to wear ppe, we open up our homes to other peoples children yet they don’t follow the lock down rules so putting myself and family at risk. All of which has lead me to closing my business down and finding as job that is valued .

timeisnotaline · 08/03/2021 19:41

I think you’re pushing back at people here rather than focussing on the problem, which is the man you are in a relationship with.
He doesn't see this though, just thinks of the "teacher shortage" which only applies to certain areas or certain secondary subjects.
Therefore, there's also confrontation between the two of us as he feels he knows better than me about the teaching industry despite not stepping foot in a school since year 11.

He’s a twat, thinks you are worth less than him. Can you afford to move? Can you suggest to him a job you found in an area with more of a teacher shortage? And if he’s not keen say I thought you’d respect my ambition more.
But really just move on. If you stay he will never respect you, and will go self employed and not pay for his children when you finally do see the light as you dotn want your children seeing how little he thinks of you.

loveablether · 08/03/2021 19:43

You are being very level headed and mature - yes money is nice but it you live your life according to your income and not trying to keep up with the jones' you will be happy and fine!

happiness is so important in work - I earn a 8th of what my brother earns but my job is soo soo much more interesting, rewarding and enjoyable - it makes he happy. My brother is stressed out and constantly working long hours and has a lot in his shoulders. Haha.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 08/03/2021 19:48

I think I'd be swapping the boyfriend, not the job!

I was expecting you to say he was in a very senior role. Where do his aspirations for you come from and how come they are not applied to his own career?

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 19:48

@ddl1

there is nothing wrong with wishing a partner on the same financial level as you

No, and it is understandable that some people may be uneasy about marrying/ living long-term with someone who is a low earner. They may fear, realistically or unrealistically, that if something happens to their own job they will be plunged into poverty. Money does matter, just for practical reasons; and for some people, it matters a lot.

However, this doesn't justify sneering at the OP's job and treating it as just 'wiping bums' and being a 'glorified babysitter'. Apart from all else, I would start worrying that the boyfriend might have a similar sort of attitude to parenthood.

I would agree with you, he wasn’t nice about it, ans reveals his views on what the op does.

However she says she’d support him if he lost his job, but I guess she means financially because that’s not an easy thing to do on such a low income, particularly if there are kids in the mix.

Buying a house, having kids, being comfortable and not constantly stressing about bills, is success for many people and that’s ok. More than ok.

But he should have not sneered at her. They should both accept they are really incompatible in this and it’s a major area.

He needs ro find someone with the same life goals, and she the same.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2021 19:51

@ExtraordinaryQuince

I think I'd be swapping the boyfriend, not the job!

I was expecting you to say he was in a very senior role. Where do his aspirations for you come from and how come they are not applied to his own career?

She says he wants to go self employed and out earns her, she said he’s doing well. so he does have rhe aspirations of his own career.
Devlesko · 08/03/2021 19:55

You are incompatible, and this will make a big difference to your happiness, if you stay with him.
I'm with you, made sure I found a man who agreed and we've been married 30 years.
Don't settle for others beliefs, keep your own. Thanks

Downthisroad · 08/03/2021 19:57

I'm guessing your boyfriend is also around 25.

At that age, I probably had the same measure of sucess. I wanted to be on £x by the time I was 30 and being seen as "sucessful" was important to me.

A couple of years later one of my friends changed his fairly well paying career for that something paid less but was important to him. I was annoyed with my employer and thought "Friend is married, owns a decent sized home, has a beautiful wife, two adorable children and tons of friends. Can I really think he is less sucessful than me because he earns less?". That was a changing point, money makes life easier yes, but happiness is so important.

Getting to my point... his viewpoint might change at a time when his worklife doesn't seem so rosy, or his view might become more rounded as life progresses. I do think that comment was off though.

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