And the Father of the Year Award goes to....

[FOTYAwards]

CEV DC10 hospitalised since mid-week. Multitude of IV antibiotics aren't helping. Worrying times.

CEV (vaccinated) ExH refusing to visit. I’ve checked with the ward staff, and they’ve not heard of a CEV parent declining the opportunity to visit with their really ill child before.

AIBU to expect a parent to, well, parent, and prioritise their child? DC10 now saying quite understandably "he won't visit me, so he obviously doesn't love me, why should I bother visiting him ever again?"

Father of the Year Award contenders please roll up...

What does CEV mean?

(Clinically extremely vulnerable)

I’m really sorry, OP. Are you doing ok? Do you have any support? Hope dc improves.

@Anne1958

What does CEV mean?

Clinically extremely vulnerable

I’m torn....

Being CEV means that it’s a risk for him to be in the hospital, vaccinated or not

But at the same time, most parents would move mountains to be with their child when they are really ill in hospital and wouldn’t care that they are risking their own lives

Clinically extremely vulnerable)

Thank you to the posters who explained.

Op, I’m sorry your wee one isn’t very well. 💐

This is a tough one and that comes
From someone who has a CEV child who spends a lot of time in hospital.
Adult CEV are still more vunerable then CEV children. My uncle caught covid in a hospital and died 3 weeks later.
If he is usually crap then I would agree if he normally is a dad who would visit I would be a little less annoyed.

Also prioritising a child means many different things.

If he is genuinely concerned that his condition puts him at a much higher risk of death from covid then staying away now means he can be there in the future for his child ?

This is how I would explain it to my DD.

I'm sorry your DC is unwell.
Unfortunately CEV people do die very painful deaths from covid.

If he had serious concerns about entering a hospital himself he could at least be video calling as much as possible and explaining to your DC why he can't be there and how sorry he is. Sounds like he's just being a selfish arse though. Hope your DC improves quickly!

Unless this would be an end of life visit then your ex has to stay away. And you need to explain to your DC why it is impossible for dad to visit.

Thanks everyone. It's really helpful to get support from total strangers when DC's own DF emails only every 24 hours asking when DC is to be discharged.

It's the reason we divorced: lack of support when the DC are ill. They've been ill a lot. I'm on first name terms with the majority of the staff incl. consultants. They are amazing people. True heroes when I feel like I'm falling apart. They've never met / seen ExH. So it's an axe I continue to grind even post-divorce.

DC is furious and disappointed and conflicted and upset.

It’s a tough one. Could you do a video call? I can kinda see both sides of the story,

@Soubriquet

I’m torn....

Being CEV means that it’s a risk for him to be in the hospital, vaccinated or not

But at the same time, most parents would move mountains to be with their child when they are really ill in hospital and wouldn’t care that they are risking their own lives

This is exactly how I feel - court call it a "difference in parenting style". No joke.

@Organisedchaos2022

This is a tough one and that comes From someone who has a CEV child who spends a lot of time in hospital. Adult CEV are still more vunerable then CEV children. My uncle caught covid in a hospital and died 3 weeks later. If he is usually crap then I would agree if he normally is a dad who would visit I would be a little less annoyed.

I am so sorry about your uncle. There's a little boy here being looked after his Papa (grandad), his granddad has one lung. Won't leave his beside. I've not witnessed such a beautiful, heartwarming, reciprocal relationship like this one for quite some time. They both have the same smile.

@gobbynorthernbird the ex has been vaccinated.
What if both parents were cev?
Should the dc be abandoned in the hospital?

@RuggerHug

If he had serious concerns about entering a hospital himself he could at least be video calling as much as possible and explaining to your DC why he can't be there and how sorry he is. Sounds like he's just being a selfish arse though. Hope your DC improves quickly!

Video calls would be great. He knows DC has his phone and yet he hasn't contacted him.

This gave me goosebumps (not good ones)

I couldn't, just couldn't imagine leaving my DC asking for me when they are ill. No matter what.

Also, I sincerely wish your DC better

He’s selfish then if he can’t even pick up the phone and make a video call.

Staying away from the hospital is one thing. Refusing to even make contact is another

I hope your DC gets better.

The only worse thing I can think of is not acknowledging the existence of a DS or DD.

I'd say your DC's summary is pretty accurate

Hope they're on the mend soon - I wouldn't even try with the ex, leave him to it, kids don't forget. I certainly haven't with my own dad!

NOTHING would keep me away from my ill child.

Oh your poor poor darling DC.

Hugs to you and to your family.

How has he communicared his decision to stay away to his son?

He hasn't?

That says it all.

A father who cared but wanted to avoid taking risks that might mean he didn't see his DC grow up would be on the phone or a video call to explain that and make arrangements to keep in touch. He's also probably send some gifts to help his child pass the time.

If he has done those things, I'd accept his decision not to visit.

Just playing devil’s advocate - is it possible that he’s still just really really scared of catching covid and dying.
I’m ECV, and I’ve been vaccinated but I’m still supposed to shield til end of March and have been told by my consultant “not to drop my guard”.
It’s been a long terrifying year and it’s hard to make the mind shift from “I will die if I catch covid” to “I’ve been vaccinated. It’s safe.”

It is very helpful for me to realise that this type of behaviour (still) isn't considered normal by the majority. Thank you so much for your kind words - I am absolutely praying that something works, soon. I would rather endure a hundred times the pain that DC is in currently than to see them suffer like this.

I put up with it for 7 years, until I realised that I might as well just do it on my own because the other parent had zero interest in the DC unless it was of benefit to his own interests. It doesn't make it less hurtful though: when DC were little I could just gloss over it. Now they're bigger they are able to grasp just how uncaring their DF really is, particularly in a medical (extends from physical to mental / emotional health) crisis.