And the Father of the Year Award goes to....

[FOTYAwards]

CEV DC10 hospitalised since mid-week. Multitude of IV antibiotics aren't helping. Worrying times.

CEV (vaccinated) ExH refusing to visit. I’ve checked with the ward staff, and they’ve not heard of a CEV parent declining the opportunity to visit with their really ill child before.

AIBU to expect a parent to, well, parent, and prioritise their child? DC10 now saying quite understandably "he won't visit me, so he obviously doesn't love me, why should I bother visiting him ever again?"

Father of the Year Award contenders please roll up...

CEV (vaccinated) ExH refusing to visit.

I was going to ask if ExH had had both shots with enough time elapsed to be reasonably confident that he was immunised.

And then I read your updates and learned that
*this isn't out of character
*he's not made a video/audio call nor sent a text.

There's obviously a very good reason he's your ExH and I'm still profoundly disappointed that he's not prepared to be a good parent to his DC.

Your DC has a lot of good wishes from strangers on the internet.

I really hope your child gets better very soon.

I would call him and tell him to step up. If he's determined to stay out of the hospital then he needs to call frequently and send gifts if they're allowed. I'd ask him straight how he thinks your child feels, that they're so ill yet their father won't visit.

@Nacknick

Just playing devil’s advocate - is it possible that he’s still just really really scared of catching covid and dying. I’m ECV, and I’ve been vaccinated but I’m still supposed to shield til end of March and have been told by my consultant “not to drop my guard”. It’s been a long terrifying year and it’s hard to make the mind shift from “I will die if I catch covid” to “I’ve been vaccinated. It’s safe.”

I totally get this and fear drives self-preservation. I've shielded the DC since late Feb last year. We have been extremely cautious and as a result my PTSD / anxiety / agoraphobia is truly awful. And that's ok - those are my challenges. But I would move heaven and earth to ensure that my DC are happy and healthy - and when they are not I rely on the professionals to do that job for me whilst I watch over my DC like a hawk. I haven't slept for days and that's ok - I can manage that. I've done it before. I just figured now we are actually divorced exH might grow up a bit and take some responsibility. He has not. No texts, no phone calls, no nothing. I don't know why it makes me so furious - it was for exactly this that i said "no more". I guess now though, with 2 DC, the logistics are so much more pressing, and I thought we would be out by now. I don't know how I'm going to manage caring for both when one is home / school and the other is in hospital.

YANBU

When my DD was in hospital, very very poorly, my DH dropped everything to be there for her. He was worried sick and he's not even her biological father.

Your ex is awful. How can he care so little for his own child?

I cannot honestly thank you enough for all your kind wishes. I didn't expect such lovely comments hoping for the very best outcome for my DC. I really appreciate it. You bunch of vipers, you. Must be your day off. I seem to have something in my eye.

@FOTYAwards OK so he's obviously a massive dick and it isn't anything to do with him being vulnerable.

Another one playing devils advocate here...

He doesn't want to catch covid & die not being there in future for his children, which is fair enough.

However, in the kindest way possible, your DC is sick, not on deaths door. He maybe knows full well you're caring for DC and doesn't want to risk coming to see DC if he's also CEV.

Plus, if you're as ranty/self-righteous/shouty to him as you are here he probably doesn't want to see you (not meaning to be rude, just observations)

@Nacknick there is a lot of misunderstanding regarding those who are CEV.
I wouldn’t want my DC dad around the hospital right now if it was me.
Our hospital are running a 1 person visiting rule it is surprising me that 2 parents are allowed anyway.

We don’t know the background so only going by the whole fact he is not coming and CEV - I don’t think it’s unreasonable.

@StormcloakNord and what's the reason for no video call?

OP. Maybe it's not unreasonable he doesn't want to visit but there's no excuse for him not picking up a phone. So yes, he's a contender for that award.

Hope he is on the mend soon.

Sadly it sounds like your son is now understandably making his own realisation about his father, but at least he knows you will be by his side.

I think the 'not wanting to catch covid' excuse is bullshit. I think most parents would run maskless through the covid ward itself if it was needed to get to their sick child in hospital.

@ijokeijoke there's no excuse, he's maybe not thought of it? Has OP mentioned it to him and he's refused? If that's the case he's an arsehole.

Fact of the matter is most part time Dads really are just like this. I doubt my ex would drop anything to come see DD in hospital and he's fit as a fiddle. DH on the other hand would, and that's probably why ex has taken a giant step back

[quote Organisedchaos2022]@Nacknick there is a lot of misunderstanding regarding those who are CEV.
I wouldn’t want my DC dad around the hospital right now if it was me.
Our hospital are running a 1 person visiting rule it is surprising me that 2 parents are allowed anyway.

We don’t know the background so only going by the whole fact he is not coming and CEV - I don’t think it’s unreasonable.[/quote]
We are on a 1 parent visiting rule too. I've been here since I brought DC. Just needed a break and to see other DC / take them to school in the morning.

@FatCatThinCat and they would be irresponsible to do so
They won’t be much use to their children in an icu or dead.

maybe the visit is inderstandable to a certain extent but no phone call message anything?

rotten

@FOTYAwards the hospital are allowing that ?
Ours would never allow it. My DD was in all over Xmas etc and I was the only one allowed in. I wouldn’t dream of switching doing school runs mixing with people and then going on to a ward full of vulnerable people
It’s really really sucky times and I have empathy but I think that’s bonkers.

Another one playing devils advocate here...

He doesn't want to catch covid & die not being there in future for his children, which is fair enough.

You can't catch covid from one end of a video call or phone call though. I don't think the XH is being as generous as you're imagining. Most parents (decent ones) would do anything in their power to be with their very ill DC. Even if it meant wearing a full hazmat suit or something to visit in person.

Ergo, the XH is a twat.

OP I hope your DC gets better very soon. And from someone whose own son was neglected by his father ('too far to visit'/wouldn't turn up for arranged visits/ didn't pay maintenance etc)- they turn out ok in the end, with one strong parent to have their backs.

[quote Organisedchaos2022]@FatCatThinCat and they would be irresponsible to do so
They won’t be much use to their children in an icu or dead.[/quote]
It obviously wasn't meant to be taken literally. It was illustrative to explain to hard of understanding that some parents put their children's needs first and sadly others put their own first.

Storm wow you are wrong, that is rude.

OP all you can do is repeat what the medical staff and your child has said about the situation and him (emphasise their words not yours). He won’t change his mind but the words will hopefully stay in his head.

It’s so wearing for you and not what you need after all you are going through.

Hope DC gets better and better quickly and you get support from others around you.

I would also
Speak to the hospital about moving your son
( you say is CEV ) your able to see the other wee boy which means your not in isolation.
Here my DD is put in to isolation due to her being CEV. This is something I would push for.

@Shodan I think he should video call - however from the original OP we know nothing about the bloody guy.
He should phone I’m not disputing that. Should he go to a hospital ward - no that’s what I was answering. Which was the AIBU.

@StormcloakNord Plus, if you're as ranty/self-righteous/shouty to him as you are here he probably doesn't want to see you (not meaning to be rude, just observations)

It's a bit like flogging a dead horse when it comes to exH - years ago I realised that by being "ranty / self-righteous / shouty" - in fact, by showing any sort of emotion (love or hate) to him, I got absolutely nowhere so I shut up. I lost myself, I lost my self-worth, I became hollow. I invested all my love and affection into my DC because they responded / reciprocated.

I've said nothing other than sending factual medical updates about DC, to which I receive no response. There's a term called "grey rock" which I use with exH, the information is passed on in a cordial and polite manner, no emotions.

I know he would relish in my outburst if I kicked off, and that's why I'm venting on this very forum - because it wouldn't get me anywhere if I actually told him how I feel. It would go into a void, an empty pit, it isn't worth the air and oxygen I would need to say it to him.

Another one playing devils advocate here...

It's not really worthwhile playing devil's advocate if you only address half the story. This 'father' hasn't been intouch with his child at all and neither being CEV nor knowing that he is being well cared excuses that.

[quote StormcloakNord]@ijokeijoke there's no excuse, he's maybe not thought of it? Has OP mentioned it to him and he's refused? If that's the case he's an arsehole.

Fact of the matter is most part time Dads really are just like this. I doubt my ex would drop anything to come see DD in hospital and he's fit as a fiddle. DH on the other hand would, and that's probably why ex has taken a giant step back[/quote]
Why should she have to mention the idea of making an effort to communicate with your ill child to him? Surely that would be the minimum effort a half interested parent would take?