And the Father of the Year Award goes to....

[FOTYAwards]

CEV DC10 hospitalised since mid-week. Multitude of IV antibiotics aren't helping. Worrying times.

CEV (vaccinated) ExH refusing to visit. I’ve checked with the ward staff, and they’ve not heard of a CEV parent declining the opportunity to visit with their really ill child before.

AIBU to expect a parent to, well, parent, and prioritise their child? DC10 now saying quite understandably "he won't visit me, so he obviously doesn't love me, why should I bother visiting him ever again?"

Father of the Year Award contenders please roll up...

He is CEV and has to shield until the end of March, I am sorry for dc is poorly but lashing out is not going to change anything. Hope your little one feels better. The less they come into contact with the better, not ideal but surely you and your can communicate via phone.

however from the original OP we know nothing about the bloody guy.

We gained useful further information from the updates - and absent a Diving Bell and the Butterfly level of explanation, I can't think of a way that Devil's Advocates can explain away the lack of video/audio calls or texts to the hospitalised DC.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

He is CEV and has to shield until the end of March, I am sorry for dc is poorly but lashing out is not going to change anything. Hope your little one feels better. The less they come into contact with the better, not ideal but surely you and your can communicate via phone.

I can honestly assure you I'm not lashing out directly at exH. I'm using the Power of the Internet to vent my frustrations.

FWIW the Papa and Grandson are in the side room next door: we are segregated too. There are "internal" windows though, all along the corridor. It's rather lovely as not many are closing theirs just so there's a reduced sense of isolation.

Closing their curtains. God I need sleep.

@StormcloakNord

Another one playing devils advocate here...

He doesn't want to catch covid & die not being there in future for his children, which is fair enough.

However, in the kindest way possible, your DC is sick, not on deaths door. He maybe knows full well you're caring for DC and doesn't want to risk coming to see DC if he's also CEV.

Plus, if you're as ranty/self-righteous/shouty to him as you are here he probably doesn't want to see you (not meaning to be rude, just observations)

Agree.

OP I hope you’ve been reassuring DC that their dad staying away doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them etc?

[quote gobbynorthernbird]@FOTYAwards OK so he's obviously a massive dick and it isn't anything to do with him being vulnerable.[/quote]
Thank you. I think you might have nailed it!

In this case he is right staying away, from your update it is his attitude to parenting overall. If he has always been useless he is selfish.

OP I hope you’ve been reassuring DC that their dad staying away doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them etc?

Actions speak louder than words. Children aren't stupid, they'll draw their own conclusions and all the platitudes in the world won't stop that.

I hear you OP, I have a CEV child too and we spend a lot of time in hospital.
My ex is a waste of space, apparently he doesn't have enough time as he now has a new family and they need him.
My heart breaks for my brave DD, but she is tough and now says it’s his loss. Which it is, but she deserves so much more.
Sending love to you and your poorly DS, I hope things improve for him soon.

@Sirzy it would be the minimum effort, but OP has already acknowledged he's an Ex for that very reason.

As a mother, something a lot of us have all had to do, you bite your tongue and try facilitate a relationship between DC and their father. So a little nudge in the right direction is for DC sake not the ex's.

I’m so sorry OP. Thus sounds so painful.

For once in his life your ex could put his child before himself. I know I would. There are ways to minimise risk (PPE) so of course you would just be there.

Look after yourself. YANBU to feel so let down by your ex. At the time he is needed for his son, he isn’t there.

If you ever needed a reminder about why your ex is an ex, here it is.

I hope your son gets better very soon 💐🙏

@StormcloakNord

Another one playing devils advocate here...

He doesn't want to catch covid & die not being there in future for his children, which is fair enough.

However, in the kindest way possible, your DC is sick, not on deaths door. He maybe knows full well you're caring for DC and doesn't want to risk coming to see DC if he's also CEV.

Plus, if you're as ranty/self-righteous/shouty to him as you are here he probably doesn't want to see you (not meaning to be rude, just observations)

And he's not called instead either.

A call is the bare minimum. He just can't be arsed.

Its an excuse. His son knows its an excuse. Why should Mum try and sugar coat it?

@Shodan

OP I hope you’ve been reassuring DC that their dad staying away doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them etc?

Actions speak louder than words. Children aren't stupid, they'll draw their own conclusions and all the platitudes in the world won't stop that.

@twelveblackboots - to be really honest? I'm a bit bored of trying to be diplomatic and justifying his behaviour - my DC aren't stupid.... I don't want to patronise them. Particularly when DC has been developing his own thoughts and feelings on the situation already. DC has already got an answer to my "some people are just wired differently darling". "Daddy might be wired differently but nobody's ever switched him on."

@FOTYAwards my first post was based purely on the visiting aspect, before you said he just hadn't bothered at all. So, yeah, he's a dick as there are other ways of keeping in contact and comforting the DC.

Hoping DC is better and home soon.

Nah, I think that’s awful.

Nothing, nobody or anything would stop me seeing my child in hospital

Can you suggest to him a video/WhatsApp call etc would be appreciated. If my DH were in the position of your Ex I would not want him visiting in case he caught Covid 19 and lost his live ( that would have a huge impact on our DC).
As PP said: prioritising a child means many different things.

If he is genuinely concerned that his condition puts him at a much higher risk of death from covid then staying away now means he can be there in the future for his child ?

This is how I would explain it to my DD.

Oops, life not live!

I'm sorry he is such a dick your poor DS. If I couldn't be with my DC in hospital I'm make sure they knew how much I wanted to be.

It won't help anybody if your extremely vulnerable ex visits a hospital and catches covid. And then gets seriously ill. The child is 10 and old enough to understand.

@Anne1958

What does CEV mean?

Have you been living on the moon for the last 12 months?

So a little nudge in the right direction is for DC sake not the ex's.

I'm reluctantly running a Devil's Advocate thought experiment.

What if it's not the DM that's responsible for the DC's response but the DF's own choices and actions - when (absent extreme scenarios) it would seem reasonable to send texts or to arrange a call?

It's not unusual for CEV children to endure so much that they sometimes mature very early. Perhaps if the mother refrains from commenting on motivations, the DC can trust her not to gaslight them. And they would be able to trust her not to withhold important information.

So, perhaps, nudging the DC to second-guess their own response and what is the "right direction" might ultimately be quite harmful?

Covid certainly has made people act strangely. I can see this from both sides, although not video calling is disgusting. I'm CEV, only recently vaccinated and had to take my DC into hospital. I told staff that I was CEV and they were fantastic about making me feel safer, but even if they weren't, I was still staying with my child.

@EmbarrassingAdmissions I'm not talking about nudging DC in the right direction, I'm very much in the camp that you can't force your children to believe their father is a saint when his actions say the complete opposite.

I more meant a text to the ex to say "maybe you could video call DC as they are asking after you".

I'm very sorry that dc is sick. I really hope they are feeling better and home soon.
This is not normal behaviour I could just at a push understand him not feeling able to visit but not even calling is disgraceful.
My dd is sick a lot, in hospital a lot, my dp drops everything every single time to be with her and he's not even her biological father. He adores her and is always worried sick. He also calls religiously brings food supplies and is in constant text contact. This is normal for most parents in my experience.

@HollyandJingles

I hear you OP, I have a CEV child too and we spend a lot of time in hospital. My ex is a waste of space, apparently he doesn't have enough time as he now has a new family and they need him. My heart breaks for my brave DD, but she is tough and now says it’s his loss. Which it is, but she deserves so much more. Sending love to you and your poorly DS, I hope things improve for him soon.

Thank you. I'm so sorry your DD has had to go through this too. It's heartbreaking to watch the realisation dawn on these braver than brave children that actually, they've got one dependable parent, and the other - well, the other one is just a bit shit.