And the Father of the Year Award goes to....

[FOTYAwards]

CEV DC10 hospitalised since mid-week. Multitude of IV antibiotics aren't helping. Worrying times.

CEV (vaccinated) ExH refusing to visit. I’ve checked with the ward staff, and they’ve not heard of a CEV parent declining the opportunity to visit with their really ill child before.

AIBU to expect a parent to, well, parent, and prioritise their child? DC10 now saying quite understandably "he won't visit me, so he obviously doesn't love me, why should I bother visiting him ever again?"

Father of the Year Award contenders please roll up...

@Marty13

Yep, he's a waste of space. Like pp, I'd stop sending updates since he's obviously not interested. In fact I'd stop factoring him into anything.

Is there anyone (friend, family) who could help ?

I wouldn't worry too much about school, they've missed so much this year that a week more or less won't change anything. If you can't take DC2 to school, they can stay home. But maybe a fellow parent could take him with their own DC and bring him back ? I certainly would do this in such circumstances, even for someone I didnt know very well.

Thank you. My best friend has stepped in. The hospital have said that it's ok - they are in our bubble - and that in the absence of their actual "D"F, and in order for me to be able to come home, get out of the hospital environment and spend some time with my other DC, they can go and "have a sleepover" with my boy. I think I'm going to need a bit of professional help to try and ensure that this absolutely useless waste of space of a father doesn't enter my headspace any more, but also continue to ensure that both my DC realise they are worth far more than this. DC10 is really hurt.

The DH is clinically extremely vulnerable. Even with a vaccine, the doctor may well have told him to stay away from hospitals.

He is not going to be able to support the OP's son - financially or otherwise - if he is dead.

@HeadIsFucked

If one of my kids was in hospital, nowt could keep me away. This guy sounds like quite a selfish knob to be honest.

Even if you were CEV, and you knew that if you caught covid, you would very possibly die, and leave your children motherless?

I don't think you can really grasp the dynamics of this one unless you've felt that visceral fear.

@thedancingbear

The DH is clinically extremely vulnerable. Even with a vaccine, the doctor may well have told him to stay away from hospitals.

He is not going to be able to support the OP's son - financially or otherwise - if he is dead.

Whilst I appreciate your view, it's only this time he's actually had a valid excuse and he's milking it. For the other 100+ times, there wasn't a pandemic. I shouldn't have got my hopes up that even now we are divorced, it might have changed.

No contact at all with said dc is just unacceptable.
That’s it.

I’m sure that, if their father had contacted them and explain the CEV, they would have understood. Even more so as a child who has health issues.
The stark difference in behaviour between the grand father and the father will also highlight how shit the father is.

FWIW, I wouldn’t gloss over it with dc. I wouldn’t find an excuse either. I think dc needs to know the truth about their father’s behaviour.

It's been painful having my children slowly realise that their father is a self centred wanker. I regret ever insisting on contact all those years ago x. I'm so sorry Your child is going through this, as well as everythi g else. Honestly it makes me want to cry how a child can have so much love to give and a parent act in this way. I'd happily punch him for you (I'm not violent but the "father of the year" deserves a special trophy? No?). Strength to you and so many wishes to your children right now x

@thedancingbear

The DH is clinically extremely vulnerable. Even with a vaccine, the doctor may well have told him to stay away from hospitals.

He is not going to be able to support the OP's son - financially or otherwise - if he is dead.

But he can support in other ways.

By videoing his child, talking to them etc...
By proposing practical help to the OP so she can be with the child instead (and let say he deals with school run with the other child).

CEV doesn’t mean he can’t do a thing at all and support his dc.

Your ex is a knob! I know a couple of fathers like this. One took several hours to arrive after his son had been blue lighted to hospital in an ambulance. He needed the OW to cook his dinner and drop him off there which is how he explained the delay .

My exh refused to visit Dd (we were married at the time) in hospital when she was 5 weeks old. No COVID to worry about them either!

OP I hope you’ve been reassuring DC that their dad staying away doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them etc?

Why do some people insist on glorifying and protecting useless deadbeat fathers? It serves no purpose to the child to do this, it's basically lying to them.

Even if you were CEV, and you knew that if you caught covid, you would very possibly die, and leave your children motherless?

Well yeah. Given even among those CEV the huge majority survive and it seems some don't even know they are/were ill too.

I don't tend to base my life around avoiding illnesses that could potentially be dangerous (so..any illness really!) else I genuinely would not even dare leave the house.

Each to their own of course, but would rather walk through broken glass than avoid seeing a child ill enough to be in hospital

That all said though, its kind of irrelevant, given he is even refusing text/videocall. So him using the excuse that he is fearful of catching covid or whatever Is just utter bullshit. Unless some data has been released that show mobile phones can spread the illness simply for someone using them for a few mins!!

What a twat he is! Being CEV doesn’t stop video/phone calls, sending gifts, seeing if you need anything etc. What a knob!

Are you okay @FOTYAwards? You sound like you are doing amazingly.

@MNWorldisCrazy

I'm torn on this one, but then my view is blurred slightly by the fact that I'm a single parent so I cannot put myself in your shoes and assume your view.

I know this isn't as serious a dilemma OP, but I'm currently stressing about school tomorrow.
I'm CEV but as I said, also a lone parent. I have complete faith in school procedures, however one of the parents happily & proudly told me that they'd TOTALLY given up following Covid regs and went back to normal a while ago... Their child is my child's best friend and they glued at the hip (as well they can be, given the school distancing rules - although they are only 6!) Their normal is large family gatherings which I know they've had two of in the last week as their entire family on her husband's side think Covid is rubbish, they've had friends round and cousins for sleepovers etc.
Now, just one child wouldn't be so much of a risk I don't suppose, however one of the other parents in the class is a fully fledged protestor and has been sharing videos to the class group, of her in the BIGGEST protest 'huddle?' and who has never ever worn a mask in the playground, despite it being a rule.

So yeah, I'm Pan

I can totally understand your concerns. When school was going back in January I was intending to keep DC off for a fortnight - firstly in order to gauge the lie of the land, and secondly so they could see their DF safely. Turned out I didn't need to do that - however same thought has arisen with school return tomorrow. To perhaps keep them off and see how it all goes. I really hope you're ok. It's really been a tough tough year for a lot of people.

I'm so sorry for your dc. I have an exdh who is one of these fathers - refused to come to hospital for vulnerable dc and he had no personal risk.

They reap what they sow in the end.

He doesn't want to catch covid & die not being there in future for his children, which is fair enough.

Be there in the future in what capacity though? When they need him? When they're ill...?! What a waste of space of a man.

I'm so sorry your DC is sock OP, I hope things get better soon try not to give your ex too much headspace (although completely understandable to be furious with him!) well done you for divorcing him. You sound like a great mum

*sick not sock obviously!

@Teenangels

I can do one better son in hospital with a burst appendix. Called my ex to tell him that his son was really poorly and what ward he was on etc. He would drive past the hospital to and from work not once did he ever visit his son his excuse he wanted to get home as he would be late getting home, he lives by himself.

Definitely a FOTY right there! Christ. What a plank. I hope your DS is ok.

Again - thank you for all your comments and I'm so sorry that others have had to see their children go through similar.

ExH has now finally texted DC10, and I believe DC hasn't given him the response he was after (best friend is now with DC and I'm running a bath), so apparently exH has kicked off on the text exchange (?) and then tried calling "about 5 times" - DC10 has hung up on him, and finally ended up by switching off his phone. The PP who said "you reap what you sow" - you are so very right. What you say is so true: I've had enough therapy (and I need to keep reminding myself) to realise that I am not responsible for how the children's father manages or maintains his own relationship with our children.

I don’t think he should visit and on that case he’s right. If he is CEV and has been ordered to shield, he shouldn’t be in a hospital. Or anywhere.
However, not being in contact at all and being a massive twat is the issue, which he is.

Massive twat and it's all about him isn't it?

He can't visit because he might get hurt

He can't video call because he would see his kid sick and in pain

And now he isn't getting what he wants from the texts so he kicks off because your child is more grown up than he is and sees no reason to make his dad feel better about being a twat.

Kudos to the kid!

And a hug for you op. Thank goodness your kids have one good parent.

@FOTYAwards Oh thank you but don't worry about me I wasn't trying to steer any sympathy my way. In fact when I wrote that post about school etc I evidently hadn't read the thread correctly and presumed you were married! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I'm thinking of your DS and sending positive vibes Sounds like he has the measure of his so called father 👍🏻

It makes me absolutely fucking sick how many stupid women on here will blindly argue that the man isn't at fault. That's right op, while you're sitting at the bedside of your ill child, it's your responsibility to suggest to his father he might call him.

Fuck that. Why don't you just trust the op knows what's really going on here and that her ex just doesn't give a fuck? Why are you so blindly insistent on pursuing the idea that he would step up if the OP tried harder!? Cop onto yourselves. Calling the op controlling is really fucking low. She's trying to do her best by her child.

I really hope he's ok op and that you managed a decent night's sleep. Staying in hospital is so hard, my dh has to do it with his dc sometimes and he would move heaven and earth to be there. If he can't be there, he would at least call and ask his child how they are. A parent who doesn't do that isn't worth the oxygen.

DC has already got an answer to my "some people are just wired differently darling". "Daddy might be wired differently but nobody's ever switched him on."

He's definitely got the measure of his sperm donor. So sad that he has to go through this and then have his dad throwing himself a pity party over text to a sick 10 year old.

I hope your son feels better soon.

He’s an absolute dick. Well done OP, you’re amazing. Your DS is lucky to have such a dedicated, loving and resilient mum. It is so hard not to be cut when the dickhead dad’s don’t care, you feel your child’s disappointment in your gut and it’s just horrible. Can’t believe there are people willing to make excuses for a dad who will not engage with his very sick child. If it was a mum doing that, there’d be outrage.

He's kicked off at his seriously ill 10 year old child for not responding as he wants? What a total arsehole.

Keep the texts, they may come in useful if you have to go back to court.