And the Father of the Year Award goes to....

[FOTYAwards]

CEV DC10 hospitalised since mid-week. Multitude of IV antibiotics aren't helping. Worrying times.

CEV (vaccinated) ExH refusing to visit. I’ve checked with the ward staff, and they’ve not heard of a CEV parent declining the opportunity to visit with their really ill child before.

AIBU to expect a parent to, well, parent, and prioritise their child? DC10 now saying quite understandably "he won't visit me, so he obviously doesn't love me, why should I bother visiting him ever again?"

Father of the Year Award contenders please roll up...

Urgh, what a prize he is.

I'd actually stop responding to his requests for updates. He can ring your DS and also contact the hospital direct.

Leave him to it.

I'm torn on this one, but then my view is blurred slightly by the fact that I'm a single parent so I cannot put myself in your shoes and assume your view.

I know this isn't as serious a dilemma OP, but I'm currently stressing about school tomorrow.
I'm CEV but as I said, also a lone parent. I have complete faith in school procedures, however one of the parents happily & proudly told me that they'd TOTALLY given up following Covid regs and went back to normal a while ago... Their child is my child's best friend and they glued at the hip (as well they can be, given the school distancing rules - although they are only 6!) Their normal is large family gatherings which I know they've had two of in the last week as their entire family on her husband's side think Covid is rubbish, they've had friends round and cousins for sleepovers etc.
Now, just one child wouldn't be so much of a risk I don't suppose, however one of the other parents in the class is a fully fledged protestor and has been sharing videos to the class group, of her in the BIGGEST protest 'huddle?' and who has never ever worn a mask in the playground, despite it being a rule.

So yeah, I'm Pan

*panicking! Not so much about me actually being ill, it's that IF I become so ill that I cannot care for my child, I have quite literally NOBODY else to take her - friends are all miles away and my mum is too old (her words!)

However if I keep her off until the pandemic ends, then she's losing a massive chunk of her education.

My point in sharing this, is that Covid is making us look at the bigger picture. What could happen IF we become incapacitated.

Would you struggle with things if DH became ill? Could that be it?

Offer to buy him one of these! Then there really would be no excuse!

Yep, he's a waste of space. Like pp, I'd stop sending updates since he's obviously not interested. In fact I'd stop factoring him into anything.

Is there anyone (friend, family) who could help ?

I wouldn't worry too much about school, they've missed so much this year that a week more or less won't change anything. If you can't take DC2 to school, they can stay home. But maybe a fellow parent could take him with their own DC and bring him back ? I certainly would do this in such circumstances, even for someone I didnt know very well.

You need to concentrate on your sick son. Why are you letting your ex have any headspace at all?

I’m assuming this is a pattern not a one of but cev but vaccinated staff aren’t allowed back in the hospital yet so he does have a point but I’d expect him to be video calling lots.

PS - hope your child get better soon. I agree with them that they shouldn't visit their father since he's not interested.

I can do one better son in hospital with a burst appendix.
Called my ex to tell him that his son was really poorly and what ward he was on etc.
He would drive past the hospital to and from work not once did he ever visit his son his excuse he wanted to get home as he would be late getting home, he lives by himself.

Sadly it sounds as though your ex is just running true to form. Too lazy to Skype to DC in hospital.

I don't know how I'm going to manage caring for both when one is home / school and the other is in hospital

Of course your DC's father, unable to visit due to being CEV, realises that he needs to sort some childcare / support so you can look after both sick DC and well DC at the same time?

I mean I'm joking, obviously he's such a massive knobhead and total waste of space that he's not going to do this.

Being CEV doesn't stop you from arranging practicalities though. I'm sure your other child is drawing their own conclusions too.

I am so sorry your DC is so unwell and wishing a very speedy recovery. I cannot believe your ex isn't even phoning, the grief he's causing must be making this so much worse for you and DC. Don't sugar coat it, there is no excuse for not phoning, for not dealing with the practicalities of the other child. None.

Stop sending him updates, that's taking up valuable energy you need to focus on your DC. If he wants to know he can ask you or (if he's considerate of the huge strain on you) phone the hospital himself. He's not a child himself, presumably being CEV doesn't prevent him from using the phone?.

CEV or not I'm visiting my child in hospital!
Hope you're ok OP and have RL support

Just a bit shit! That made me laugh.

I hope your child is ok and starts to improve.
Why the fuck are people justifying this mans behaviour.
For a start his chance of getting Covid at the hospital is still fairly low, secondly he’s had first vaccination so would probably be fine anyway even if he did get it and thirdly most parents put their life on the line for their children

And agree with PP stop sending him any kind of updates

Why is your ex CEV? What is the risk to him if he catches COVID? What has his GP/consultant recommended? Is he looking after your other children?

My DH is CEV (leukaemia) - if one of our children was in hospital he would be staying away as it’s the safest thing to do - the last thing we would need is for him to catch COVID and add to the stress. Even with the vaccine it isn’t clear how effective it is in patients with compromised immune systems.

Having said all that he would definitely FaceTime and be busy at home looking after the other children. There is no excuse for him not getting in touch.

@Candyfloss99

You need to concentrate on your sick son. Why are you letting your ex have any headspace at all?

There's only so much 'concentrating' you can do sitting next to a child in hospital🙄then when they're upset their father hasn't visited, what do you suggest - ignore them? Cop yourself in. Honestly.

You do know the vaccine, even after both doses, isn't 100% effective, dont you?

That said, your XH sounds like an arse.

If one of my kids was in hospital, nowt could keep me away. This guy sounds like quite a selfish knob to be honest.

@MNWorldisCrazy

Offer to buy him one of these! Then there really would be no excuse!

I think this is brilliant and I may well buy one for myself. 🤣🤣

I have an CEV child too [ now a young adult ]. He spent 3 weeks in hospital at one point a few years ago. I was with him 24 hours a day sleeping next to him at night.
His dad [ my ex ] didn't visit once claiming it was too far to visit and he had to work, but still managed to have a long weekend away with his new girlfriend.

My son knows exactly what his dad is like and has very little to do with him now. He hasn't actually seen him in 3 years, his choice. I don't understand these dads.

I hope things work out well for you DC, I know how hard it is spending time in hospital at the best of times, let alone during these covid times.

@SycamoreGap

Why is your ex CEV? What is the risk to him if he catches COVID? What has his GP/consultant recommended? Is he looking after your other children?

My DH is CEV (leukaemia) - if one of our children was in hospital he would be staying away as it’s the safest thing to do - the last thing we would need is for him to catch COVID and add to the stress. Even with the vaccine it isn’t clear how effective it is in patients with compromised immune systems.

Having said all that he would definitely FaceTime and be busy at home looking after the other children. There is no excuse for him not getting in touch.

He's one of those "on again off again" from the CEV list. The "we aren't entirely sure what will happen but let's just keep you in the shielding category for now". Same as the DC. It's inherited. I guess maybe that's what makes all this worse. For them. The DC inherited their issue from their DF, and yet he won't come to hospital if they get sick. I hadn't grasped that yet.

Maybe they need to learn the word "irony".

Just realised how that comes across. It was ultimately the refusal to even videocall that led me to this conclusion..noone is at risk from a videocall, so it kind of appears he ha just checked out of parenting during a tough time.

@Nacknick

Just playing devil’s advocate - is it possible that he’s still just really really scared of catching covid and dying. I’m ECV, and I’ve been vaccinated but I’m still supposed to shield til end of March and have been told by my consultant “not to drop my guard”. It’s been a long terrifying year and it’s hard to make the mind shift from “I will die if I catch covid” to “I’ve been vaccinated. It’s safe.”

I see your point but don't think post people would disagree if the AIBU was 'is ECV exDP BU to be scared of catching covid by going to visit his son?' Of course it's reasonable/normal/human to be scared given the year we've had.

However HIS SON is also vulnerable, scared, and most importantly only ten years old and he can't opt out of being ill in hospital, so most parents would get a grip and get over their own fear to support their child who wants them there to reassure them.

Yes he is BU to not visit and he is being even more U, even if he can't/won't visit, to do everything possible to support his son without visiting, including contacting him directly and not through you, cheering him up through facetiming, watching a funny show together online, having a present delivered to the hospital, making a plan for something fun to do together when he gets out, etc...

@Londonnight

I have an CEV child too [ now a young adult ]. He spent 3 weeks in hospital at one point a few years ago. I was with him 24 hours a day sleeping next to him at night. His dad [ my ex ] didn't visit once claiming it was too far to visit and he had to work, but still managed to have a long weekend away with his new girlfriend.

My son knows exactly what his dad is like and has very little to do with him now. He hasn't actually seen him in 3 years, his choice. I don't understand these dads.

I hope things work out well for you DC, I know how hard it is spending time in hospital at the best of times, let alone during these covid times.

Interestingly this was the straw which broke the camel's back so to speak in 2017 the baby was ill to the point where clearly they were talking to me in hushed tones (he survived). Then DH (now exH) went to bed and turned off his phone as we were blue lighted to hospital. Two blood transfusions later, he finally got in touch around 6.45am with a "why have I got 56 missed calls from you??" He strolled in around half eight - we lived 10mins from the hospital. I told him politely and so as not to wake the sleeping baby, to "fuck. off." It was then I stopped trying to justify his behaviour and sought support from a divorce attorney. During proceedings it turned out his "work" (self employed...) was all a crock of shit - so all the excuses for never visiting the DC in hospital when they were there for days and days at a time, no relief from ex - all those "work" excuses were bull.

I've really got to learn to care less, haven't I. It's just so disappointing for my DC that he hasn't changed, and evidently won't ever change.