Am I too controlling with DCs free time?

[IheartSundays]

Am I being unrealistic (or too controlling) about what DC do in their free time? Eg on school days we have one video game day where we set the console up, have snacks, and they play until dinner time - whereas the 11 year old friends are allowed to play every day. I have verified this with the friends parents - who accept that whilst not ideal it's just modern life.

Likewise with TV it's not on all the time/whenever they like. DC were telling me at their dads it's great they get the remote control when they want and don't need permission which made me to wince to be honest and question just how controlling I am being.

*It's kind of like always offering sweets alongside vegetables - given the choice, they're going to pick the sweets, and it's not as good for them - whereas if they only have the vegetables they will develop a taste for them that will help them through later life.

@georgarina

*It's kind of like always offering sweets alongside vegetables - given the choice, they're going to pick the sweets, and it's not as good for them - whereas if they only have the vegetables they will develop a taste for them that will help them through later life.

Or they will gorge on the sweets at the first opportunity they get. Denying something completely, often just makes it more desirable.

Nope it is good to have a balanced amount of time spent on technology
Mines limited because of untamed use and moods if a child is on it for to long I find.
Better than sitting like a veggie everyday as the world goes by.
Some parents find a console to be easy entertainment so I wouldn't be to concerned.
Kids have a vast array of books, crafts, toys now days like it will matter to flick it off and do these thing instead.
Dad is disinterested or making life easy?!
Console free household here and will always be!

I don't have DC but I work for a company where about 90% of my colleagues earn their living from IT.
The ones with DC have them in coder dojo at 6 and give them raspberry pi's as presents.
The rules around tv and gaming though seem very similar to those my DM had for us growing up.
We had 1 hr of tv choice each a day, going down to 30 mins as younger siblings got older and needed their turn. We could all watch the tv when it was on but from 7pm my Dad controlled the remote and if he was out the tv was off.
Same rule applied to consoles as they were shared.
All of this was after homework was done and we had dish washing/drying jobs after dinner also.
I think it was very effective, homework got through quickly as we had incentive to get it done. Chores similarly.
It also did wonders for our negotiating skills as trying to convince a sibling they really wanted to watch your choice of programme, or swap their allocated console time was akin to UN talks

My dc is slightly older, but has been the same since he was younger. As long as he has finished what he needs to do like homework, music practice, free time is totally up to him. He can do whatever he likes. We have no screen time limit, except no gaming after dinner.

It's far to strict for me but it's in the range of what I hear people do.

Don’t create battles you can’t win. Free time is ....err free time. Limit amount of time available is what I do. So free play from when they are home from school until tea time. Nothing else until next day.

I find this such an interesting debate.

We are a v low tech family. Neither dh nor I is into tech or gaming and so we naturally don't have this stuff around and so the dc don't play. They've never asked or expressed an interest, they know dc at school and in the extended family who are v addicted to gaming and they have played with them but it hasn't sparked an interest. They don't have any individual devices or consoles - we have a kindle fire for long journeys and old iPhones for imessages with friends in lockdown but all of these go unused for days at a time.

I am definitely controlling by the definitions given here. I absolutely hate the TV being on in the background if no one is watching something specific. We don't often have TV on school days, just weekend mornings and family film or programme on a Sat eve. In lockdown my DC have watched a lot more TV while dh and I have been working etc but I don't feel it's been a positive addition to their lives and it's definitely not something we will continue now they're back to school.

My DC are just not that bothered about screens. It's not a constant battle at all. They don't really ask and I don't have to say no constantly. They are v active, playing out on bikes or the trampoline or with pets, they play loads with each other with things like lego or craft or dressing up (even the older ones) and they read a lot.

I am sure there are lots of families who manage it really well, and have parents who are more capable and engaged with tech than us, and it's a really positive thing. But I think it's more common to have families where tech has filled every moment of free time and where dc are not often off screens or given a bit of unstimulated time. I know so many families here every child has to have their own tablet because they can't share or be off it long enough, where dc eat in front their tech, where they never play out or get active because they'd prefer to be sat in the dark in front of a screen. We have a couple of families locally where the older children are never seen outside of school runs because they are absolutely glued to tech. It's not what I want for mine at all.

Whilst it may be deemed controlling to restrict screen time, I don't dictate what my DC do with that time. They can do anything but be on tech!

I'm All for limiting screen time. Similar age boys to yours OP. I use it as a reward. If they've done all school work and music practice they get an hour gaming. More on weekends which is unearned.

2 hours once a week and more on weekends seems fine. Bit less than most but sensible really.

I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck what sanctions you put on your own kids, I really don't.
All I see when I read threads like this is I obviously know I am not being unreasonable - I just want to show you my superior parenting and how much better at it I am than the rest of you peasants.

I genuinely think it depends on your dc.

Probably to MN horror I don't restrict screentime. Truthfully I never have to anymore because dc self regulate. In all honesty I have no idea whether thats because they are naturally like that or of its because of my parenting. Maybe a bit of both.

I mean I don't restrict time arbitrarily. If we have a visitor (obviously before covid) then no TV's or games on etc. No TV's or games on during homeschooling so in that way if there is something that needs to be done they have to focus on it.

Other than that if it is their free time they can do what they want. Ds1 is very into gaming and some days will play for an hour , some days half an hour some days not at all. He will take himself off and get toys or a book as will ds2 (much younger buts has computer etc).

I'm never really sure. Its the same with sweet stuff. Both my dc will stop half way through sweets or chocolates because they have had enough. I do restrict this a bit (not just before dinner, encourage them to share ) but if they want chocolate and I have it I don't restrict it arbitrarily. Ds1 will now choose savoury healthy stuff over sweets. Both will literally stop half way through a sweet snack and put it away or save it for later (actually that can be a challenge in itself as ds2 often stashes things but then never eats them , he lives sweets but give him 5 he will eat 1 , stash 4 and forget about them until I find them somewhere random)

It is possible that its just how they are but it would be a surprise because exdh and I are most definitely not like that at all! It was never a battle I have ever seen being fought for the right reasons. I have an anathema to rules for rules sake if it isn't achieving a genuine needed goal for the dc.

So for us , that level of restriction would have the opposite effect because dc learnt how to regulated themselves.

Tv won't destroy your dc brains. My parents let me watch unlimited tv as a child but now I hate tv, I haven't watched tv in years. The dc do like horrid Henry on Netflix though.

@georgarina

*It's kind of like always offering sweets alongside vegetables - given the choice, they're going to pick the sweets, and it's not as good for them - whereas if they only have the vegetables they will develop a taste for them that will help them through later life.

Or, as in my case, they'll gorge on sweets every chance they can because they're never allowed them otherwise.

Posters need to state the ages of their DCs. Saying DCs happily put down their screens to play with their toys sounds fine but I doubt that will happen when they are group gaming in their teens.

I think free time is free time and I didn't police it - including screen time. I consequently have two very good gamers smile so much so that one (late teens now) is applying to gamaing companies for work.

Being good at playing games and having the skills and ability to work creating & producing them are quite different. Most teens do not manage to take their ability to play call of duty for 8 hours straight and turn it into gainful employment.

I’ve never imposed much screen time once they’re over 9 or so. 3 grown up and left hom, no problems. One still here- no problems.

I found most disturbing the poster who wanted to restrict reading as it was solitary and sedentary. I would never restrict reading.

Is gaming fulfilling or is it a distraction from real life.
As an oldie I think the jury is out - DCs will have amazing strategy and thinking skills due to gaming- but it's seriously sedentary, that cant be great physically, I know in covid it's hard to avoid.
Jobs in IT - well gaming is global so is there really going to be a global supply of jobs when everything is concentrated in a few cos in California. Once all the online stuff eg banking is written it's done.
I think some hobby or sport other than internet is best idea.

All I see when I read threads like this is I obviously know I am not being unreasonable - I just want to show you my superior parenting and how much better at it I am than the rest of you peasants.

Odd because I am genuinely thinking in reading this that I need to lighten up a bit!!!
Also when you are a single parent you don't have anyone to think things through with. Sometimes you need to hear other views (and admittedly sometimes you need validation. Sometimes both.)
Especially these days, no adult contact.

When DC were little I obsessed over organic food, no sugar etc. One day my brother said for god's sake give the child a jammy dodger! I needed that sensible input to stop me trying so hard and give the kids and me a break.

peasants?!!

Oh no. I was hoping we'd manage to get through a gaming thread without anyone mentioning Call of Duty. At least nobody's started on about GTA.

I think too many parents fail to direct and control their children’s activities enough. Children do not have the knowledge and skills to make all their own decisions; it’s why parents are necessary. Taking over decision making is a gradual process and a free reign is not in their best interests.

The trouble is that the more screen time children have, the more they want - most games are highly addictive and even watching a lot of TV reduces their ability to entertain themselves without it. While schools are closed I'd be more lenient with older children who use gaming to stay in touch with friends, but I don't think 7yos need it at all. They could be using that time for reading, arts and crafts, doing workbooks, playing games, going out in the garden if you have one, etc etc.

@LemonRoses

I think too many parents fail to direct and control their children’s activities enough. Children do not have the knowledge and skills to make all their own decisions; it’s why parents are necessary. Taking over decision making is a gradual process and a free reign is not in their best interests.

But neither is full control.

I think as long as they’ve down schoolwork and any chores that are expected of them, they should be free to spend their leisure time as they wish. Within reason, if they struggle to sleep, maybe a bit of screen free unwinding time just before bed.

There has to be a happy medium between being over controlling and not giving a damn so that your kids become ferile. My parents took little or no interest in my education and left me to play for hours. In many ways this was a plus because I was a swot and loved imaginative play. I learned to amuse myself. So I was later very successful at examinations and academic work. In others it was a minus because I grew up obsessively private and resenting any demands made on me by others. This is still true today.

I applaud parents who take a keen interest in their children's education and insist upon some structure to the day. The future looks like working at home/self employment will become the norm for many people and to be successful at this takes self discipline. If there is no one standing over you to tell you when and how to do the work then individuals will have to assume this responsibility for themselves. Parents who teach their children at an early age how to divide their time meaningfully between a variety of activities are laying down a good foundation. At the same time it is important for young people to have some free choice in how they spend their leisure time within the boundaries imposed by responsible parents.

On a school day mine are allowed to play games after they’ve done all their homework and reading.

On the weekends I like to mix it up and make sure they play with their toys and outside of the weather is suitable and then they can have screen time but I’m not super strict with it.

Screen time does also depend on behaviour though, they do have to be good and if they misbehave they lose out on it.

The TV doesn’t really have any limits, they’ll wake up and watch telly until breakfast time, some days we have really lazy days and watch movies all day, I don’t like to overly police it but I also want them to have some form of balance.

Yesterday they watched some TV, played in their rooms, read books and in the afternoon they had a couple of hours on their tablets.
Today they watched a documentary before breakfast and then they went upstairs to play, soon enough they’ll be outside all the time anyway (they don’t like the cold but come spring they basically live in the garden!).