AIBU to send a 2.5 year old to bed hungry?

[AuntVictoria]

DS is 2.5 and has become increasingly fussy, to the point that he will only eat bread and humous for dinner. He is fairly fussy in general but not as bad for other meals - he eats a wide variety of fruit but little veg, plenty of carbs and dairy, but very little meat / eggs and so little protein. We have recently realised that DS is 99th centile for weight with his BMI, so are currently overhauling all of our diets and portion control as this is obviously a huge concern.

We're now being much stricter about insisting DS at least tries his dinner, but he hasn't eaten more than a tiny mouthful all week. I hate the idea of him going to bewad hungry, so after his bath will let him have some bread and humous. DH wants to instigate a rule that he eats his dinner or nothing. Who is being unreasonable?

Food should never be used as a punishment or a reward. It's used as a reward far too often.

firm not form, obvs!

Our rule always was if you don’t eat you go hungry or eat it later, none of this get made a different meal made later rubbish, or allowed to eat toast, fruit etc instead. our kids now eat anything where. As friends kids are still little brats at meal times until they get what they want.

Wow! So your friends kids are brats because they dont conveniently like everything?

I actually agree with your husband. Mine don’t get anything else if they don't eat their dinner, and that’s from when they’re old enough to eat.

At 2 some toddlers still have milk in the evenings, mine does, and if she doesn’t eat much dinner then she has milk before bed then smashes her breakfast in the morning.

I wouldn’t listen to the people telling you to give him what he wants, I bet they have fussy eaters.

sounds like your over feeding the young one if he is already 99th centile for weight. Your have recognised that you and your OH are overweight and want to ensure your little one isnt the same. You say its only night time he is reluctant to eat so sounds like he isnt hungry. reduce his portion sizes during the day or just accept in the evening he doesnt need a full meal, no unhealthy snacks and make sure he is getting enough exercise. Dont make food an issue. My DC have all varied but my DD was a chunky little thing from birth, however she liked snacking on tomatos, cucumber and olives, and despite being on the 99th centile she is very very skinny as a 17yr old. Parents have to role model good eating habits and I have never insisited my DC eat until there plate is finished, I want them to eat until they have had enough. My Mother would insist we ate everything on the plate but that was because we didnt have any snacks, crisps, ice cream and she didnt want us being hungry. times have changed and sadly what i have noticed is parents constantly feeling the need to feed there kids snacks, saw it start with my second, parents waiting at pick up with bags of goodies waiting to hand it over rather than waiting for kids to wlk home

I wouldn't worry too much about percentile and bmi unless health visitor has also expressed concern or you feel he does look overweight. My son was always like this but like you we were out for hours a day at parks and on walks and very active, he's still the same now, solid just more muscle. You seem to be doing all the right things and lots of good suggestions on here, along with some shocking revelations😢
Maybe look at what he's drinking as well and offer water as much as much as possible and cut down on fruit juices or squash. Sometimes when asking for a snack he may just be thirsty so maybe offer water first. Also when offering bread and humus try whole meal bread and more humus less bread, and maybe offer offer other things to dip like carrot sticks, cucumber, breadstick. You may already have tried this so sorry if you have. The food you have said you feed him seems very healthy anyway though. Good luck x

If he likes a ‘picnic tea’ just go with it, but add in other things too. Maybe some pieces of ham or chicken, some cucumber sticks, sliced apple etc, alongside the humus and bread.

I don’t think giving a later option of something he likes is a great idea, because he knows he doesn’t have to try his tea.

I can't do it. My son went through a fussy stage at just under 2 and would refuse food at dinner he had eaten before. I would leave a decent gap between the food refusing and then give a supper just before bed.

Two reasons being I couldn't bear the idea of him being hungry and I remember as a child genuinely disliking something and being made to eat and vomiting. I won't do that to my child

And empty stomach on a toddler means no sleep for the house as he is going to wake up hungry in the night.

So now a year later his eating has changed and it was a phase. The advice we're given was to not make it a battle

@FoxyTheFox

Your DH is being unreasonable, you shouldn't send a child to bed hungry and you shouldn't make mealtimes into a battle.

DS sees a dietician for ARFID, I'm happy to share the advice? The advice from DS dietician is:

• at every meal offer 1-2 'safe' foods that you know will almost always be eaten, bread and hummous in your case, so that there is never 'nothing' to eat

• serve meals "family style" if you can where the food is in the middle of the table and everyone puts their own food onto their own plate, might be difficult with a two year old but I'm sure he could choose which components he wants and you could serve them onto his plate?

• never force, beg, persuade, bribe, bargain, or plead for the child to "just have a taste" or for them to "eat three more bites" or "eat all of those vegetables"

• serve the meal, allow a reasonable amount of time for it to be eaten (30-40 minutes is more than enough), and then remove it at the end without comment

• the main meal of the day (tea, for us) should be two courses, the main meal and a plain dessert such as yoghurt or fruit. Both courses are served at the same time and neither is conditional on the other, you can leave all of your main and still have your apple, you can even eat the apple first if you like. The idea is that the child gets enough calories across the two courses, it also removes the idea of there being strings attached to certain foods

• never use food as a reward or a punishment, don't dish up a rejected meal at a later stage, don't make a child stay at the table until a specific amount of food is eaten, basically don't create links between behaviour and food

• if nothing, or very little, is eaten at a meal then try and stretch to the next mealtime. If the child seems very hungry or its a long time until the next meal (e.g., overnight until breakfast) then a little while after the rejected meal (30-60 mins) pffer a basic snack such as toast, fruit, cheese and crackers, etc

Unless your child's weight is at what DS paediatrician calls "intervention stage" then there isn't a need to try and make him lose weight, intervention stage was given to me as below 2nd centile or over 99th centile. The idea should be to try and maintain his weight so that he grows into it, e.g. a weight that is 90th centile for a 2yo might only be 75th centile for a 3yo and 50th centile for a 4yo. The aim is to flatten his growth curve rather than lower it, if that makes sense?

@FoxyTheFox has absolutely nailed it. Do you follow kids eat in colour (color?) on instagram? I find her way of talking about food very helpful. It's basically along the lines of 'if you wouldn't make an adult do it, don't make a child do it'. Backed by science though . Also the recipe book 'what mummy makes' is excellent as it's thing you'd actually want to eat as adults and might help with portion control?

Absolutely not at the age of 2.

I do agree that the poster who makes their child eat in the dark is fucking odd and I feel sorry for that kid.

Our rule is if you don’t eat dinner you get as much fresh fruit and veg as you can eat instead but nothing else. So she doesn’t get an alternative dinner but she can fill up on salad, bananas, grapes, apple, whatever. You can also change your mind and have your original dinner if you want it.

I can’t believe anyone would contemplate sending a 2 year old to bed hungry. It is abuse

@BonnieDundee

Our rule always was if you don’t eat you go hungry or eat it later, none of this get made a different meal made later rubbish, or allowed to eat toast, fruit etc instead. our kids now eat anything where. As friends kids are still little brats at meal times until they get what they want.

Wow! So your friends kids are brats because they dont conveniently like everything?

No they are brats because they scream and scream and tantrum until they get want they want , these tantrum last until parents give in. The kids have learnt if I scream for longer enough I get what I want.

Haha sounds harsh written down

It also sounds harsh what you're doing. This isn't ok. It's abusive.

Whole meal bread is not recommended for very young children

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/young-children-and-food-common-questions/

I wish I hadn’t AS some of these posters. It’s frightening.

@Donkeydonut

This is such an upsetting thread, I agree with the posters saying it’s abusive. Actually those who even use pudding as a form of reward/punishment are not modelling good behaviour either.

I agree with this. Using food as a way of attaining desired or stopping unwanted behaviour is a recipe (excuse pun) for long-term issues. If ours don't like the dinner offered, they can have plain bread (with butter) and/or fruit. Pudding isn't a regular thing with us, more ad hoc - if they ask for a yogurt/whatever it's no if they haven't made a decent stab at the main meal (or, if it's disliked, had bread/fruit first as above). Likes and dislikes are, of course, taken account of, as in nobody has to eat something they really and consistently don't like, but 'meh' food will be served now and again and if they don't want to eat it, see above. This means that everybody gets fed, nobody goes to bed hungry, and no food issues are created.

He’s only 2. Please don’t let him go hungry before bed. Like others have asked, is he actually hungry?

If he is hungry I understand why you want to vary his diet. Houmous is a really healthy food if you make it at home so control the oil and don’t add salt. An earlier poster suggested offering it with trees - fab idea. As are dippy eggs with soldiers. If it’s the houmous he still wants then don’t offer him bread anymore. Try to offer it with cucumber, trees, cheese, grapes, tomatoes etc. Slowly start varying his diet by introducing new foods to accompany his favourites.

This way you’re not ‘taking away’ what he loves because you don’t want to make eating/food an issue. He needs to enjoy it.

I used to go to bed hungry and I’m still traumatised by it, I always need to feel full before bed or I start panicking. No one should go to bed hungry while there’s food in the kitchen.
We have had a battle since 2.5 and ds now nearly 4. Things we realised

• never put foods you’re trialing in front of them when they’re very hungry ( leads to meltdowns)
• before we try veg etc ds always gets a half slice of bread before dinner to calm down any hunger
• put veg out that you know he likes , alongside favourite foods
• make eating the veg fun ( may be more for older toddler) we compete who will eat all their veg etc Lots of praise
• we have instilled the importance of being big and strong and that if you don’t eat veg you won’t be like that
• have to eat some veg before moving onto more pasta/ things he likes
• we give lots of fruit as it’s got lots of vitamins although requires good teeth brushing due to sugars. Kids love apple, banana, kiwi etc
• there are loads of recipes out there where you can disguise veg. We made spinach muffins and they have been wolfed down!
• it doesn’t always work and that’s okay.

I was very good not giving sugar to ds for first couple of years but not so much recently and wonder if that made things like veg less appealing 🤷‍♀️ Each dinner ds eats one portion of veg and one/two of fruit and I’m okay with that. Also multivitamins daily.

No they are brats because they scream and scream and tantrum until they get want they want , these tantrum last until parents give in. The kids have learnt if I scream for longer enough I get what I want.

That's a completely different story to the first version

I would make him sit with the family and encourage him to try it. If he doesn't just don't fuss and give him a little something he will eat, before bed. That being said I would only do this because he is 2.5. I did this also with my youngest because he can be fussy. But he is 5 now. I made sure the afternoon snack he ate was a good few hours before dinner so he is asking about dinner. This normally works and with some encouragement will eat the meals that aren't his favourite that he wouldnt touch before. If not, yes he goes to bed with just a glass of milk but thankfully it hardly ever happens as it worked well for us. I didn't do it until he turned 4.5 though when I knew he understood well.

@PotatoesPastaAndBread

We have the rule that is "dinner and no alternative". But if dinner is refused then at bed time "I'm hungry", that's ok, but dd gets what's left of her dinner in the dark in silence in her bedroom. Haha sounds harsh written down. There's usually only an hour or so between dinner and bed. Also over time, she's started to understand and now eats better at dinner time.

This a child abuse, pure and simple. Should be reported to social services, and may well be so when your dc tells someone at school what happens

You don’t deserve to have kids

Poster who makes children eat in silence in the dark needs a visit from Social Services. It's Child abuse.