13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

OP,

I have NO idea about ADHD or similar but I have had 4 children who were that age, two were boys.

Loosing and breaking everything they own IS not normal behaviour.

For a bike to be that smashed up it would need to have a car go over it.

To lose and break everything is not normal.

If he is as seemingly neuro typical as you say, it slaps of enormous disrespect.

I certainly wouldn't be replacing anything he loses.

My children all went to schools with extremely expensive uniforms/sports gear.
A friend told me when she told hers they were now paying for anything they lost they magically never lost another item again etc.
I did the same when mine started off, telling them to mind their things as they would be replacing them.
It's never been an issue.

Stop replacing stuff, how is he going to learn if you don't.

And stop buying expensive items completely until he learns to value his things.

Fuck sake, only on MN does a daft kid doing something daft get an immediate suggestion on adhd. It's really no wonder families and individuals with adhd struggle to get taken seriously when apparently every kid who falls off his bike and smashes it up may have adhd.

OP see if you can get it mended. Dd was a bit daft at the same age, it's hormones and everything whizzing round their brains and everything else going off at 100mph. Shatterproof cases on all tech, and nothing ultra expensive left the house unless we were with her. She's 16 now and pretty responsible all of a sudden, they grow out of it I promise. Especially when they see that once its gone its gone. Doing wheelies isn't outrageous, just normal teen behaviour. See if you can pick him a cheap stunt bike up off fb marketplace or ebay, can razz that about and keep the nice one for school.

If the OP says she's sure it's not ADHD surely that's the time to drop it? Otherwise you'd start a thread asking about ADHD or asking for people to dispel myths about it.

As for relationship red flags, I'd be a lot more worried if he was the type to conveniently lose and damage other people's property but not his own.

I think its pretty normal for kids that age to be forgetful or lose things.

Doesn’t sound like ADHD but does sound incredibly like dyspraxia to me, which I have. I have lost countless coats, scarves, phones, bags of shopping, all sorts. And I’ve broken probably more phones than I’ve lost and so many glasses, plates, I knocked a slat out my new bed within months of getting it last year at 31. I also did really well at school (all As and A*s at GCSE and As at A Level for reference). Dyspraxia is poor short term working memory, clumsiness, and also sometimes sensory or emotional overload which him being so distraught sounds like. I remember that feeling and still can get utterly overwhelmed now with my emotions, particularly around the shame about things I’ve lost or broken because of the deep shame. I know diagnosing over the internet is ridiculous and I’m not, just suggesting you look at it as this sounds so all-encompassing as to be outside of his control.

My daughter is exactly like this. She has ADHD. OP, I know you've said he doesn't have this, but my daughter was not diagnosed until she was 14. Before that I just thought she was really careless and clumsy and it was infuriating. She got worse and worse, think it often does during puberty and that's when I thought we were missing something. I stumbled across something about ADHD and it was a lightbulb moment for us. She was diagnosed at 15.

I'm not one to want labels and a diagnosis for everything. But it all makes sense now. Your son may not have ADHD, but I would maybe read about this to see if he fits the other criteria. I feel sad that he may be in trouble with you, if he can't help it.

Break the cycle - stop replacing stuff, only repair it once every 6mths fir example. You can be gentle about this too. I watch my stepkids purposefully break iPads / iPhones so they can get an upgrade to the latest model. Watch the monster you create

Doing well at school can be a bright pupil masking; very hard to spot if they're really bright. I've told the story before on Mumsnet of a lad whose scatty ways were an affectionate byword, but did really well academically nonetheless, until he went to Oxford to read Classics as a Choral Scholar, (so obviously a capable intellect). He finally came across something quite trivial which he couldn't work round, and hit the buffers, and it was actually him who said, "Do you think I'm dyslexic?", having been at school with fellow-pupils we'd spotted!
Also, don't discount the growth spurt; I suddenly shot up at 15; almost like "Alice in Wonderland" when we came to check summer uniform after six months, and until I re-established where my limbs began and ended, I was a danger to shipping for about six months!

Break the cycle - stop replacing stuff
LOL. I don't think "break the cycle" is the best phrase to use here.

For a bike to be that smashed up it would need to have a car go over it

No

Both me (amateur mechanic) AND an actual bike mechanic upthread have said it’s very easy to do. The rear mech is designed to tear off/mangle on impact rather than damaging the structural integrity of the frame.

What usually happens is that the lower jockey wheel catches on the spoke (in low gear it runs very close anyway, and it only takes a slight nudge to push it onto the spokes) if the wheel is still spinning it then just rips the mech upwards, twisting the (deliberately) soft metal or tearing it off entirely.

I’ve done it myself and seen it happen a few times.

If the OP says she's sure it's not ADHD surely that's the time to drop it?

I think people are trying to point out, we've all been the parent who knows their child absolutely does not have ADHD. I think it's more telling of the tens of thousands of medical conditions that exist, this thread has caused concentration of people talking about one. And these are people who have direct experience of ADHD ( I'm included in the "my child definitely doesn't have it, because of my incorrect misconceptions of what ADHD is) saying to OP, it sounds very much like it could be ADHD.

It's not fact. But from many people's direct experience, it's very indicative and could be really important for OP to investigate.

My son was diagnosed age 11. I knew "he didn't have it." Whereas all he didn't have, was my misguided perception of what ADHD is.

It's really no wonder families and individuals with adhd struggle to get taken seriously when apparently every kid who falls off his bike and smashes it up may have adhd.

Well that's not what was said by OP at all. He breaks everything. Loses everything. Constantly. Despite her actions and replacements. This is not a cold wrecking his bike once, and people raising handbags and crying "ADHD"

*child

Its quite was to mess up the gears and derailleur. I did mine and all I did was fall over on my bike when I had to do an emergency stop to prevent a car hitting me. I wasn't even going fast I had just set off.

Unfortunately I hadn't realised the damaged enough and on my next ride the derailleur snapped off and flew into the back fork causing a dent. I actually had to retire that bike as the frame was compromised.

Maybe just buy a less expensive bike or less expensive option next time he break something.

The reason I raised ADHD was that
He breaks everything. Loses everything. Constantly.
Is very much what my ds with ADHD does combined with getting very upset about it which OP's ds also does.

There where then a number of posters saying that these traits definitely weren't part of an ADHD diagnosis.
Which deserved to be challenged because they can be.

That doesn't mean OP's ds has adhd himself but it is noteable how many parents living with ADHD in their families noted similarities.

So considering it as a possibility is reasonable.

Gosh - I've read the whole thread and I am really interested in what people are saying about ADD/ADHD (Sorry op, nothing to add to everything that's been said already, with the exception of my son had to replace/do without things if he lost them - it made no difference as he couldn't help it. )

My son's story was thus - an IEP at junior school for some minor issues. Nothing at senior school until year 9 where he had a meltdown, CAMHS referral and Pead, and then an OT referral - Problems with bullying, anxiety, losing stuff (wasn't the bullying) and sleep issues. Dyspraxia diagnosis - which I kept saying but he's only clumsy - I'm like that all the time (and I don't do timekeeping either)

He failed his year 12 at college and he ended up repeating that year on a different course at a different college - doing really well. However the college had him asessed for ADD in-between lockdowns and he's got a final appointment if/when he goes back but the college SENCO was quite confident that he's got ADD

So I've read up on everything and to be honest I really feel guilty because he's got so many red flags, but, also I have too. I'm wondering whether it's worth getting asessed myself. I have a dyslexia diagnosis and my son's also got dyslexic traits. Anyhoo - been a facinating read, thanks

Ikeairgin - you kept saying he’s just clumsy - why did you think he didn’t have dyspraxia?

I don’t think he has ADHD, I think he needs to get a grip and understand consequence. Replace nothing unless it’s essential. I bet in the past his hysterics/tears/whatever have eventually worn you down so you give in and provide or replace something. It’s manipulation and you aren’t doing him any favours by giving into it

@Toomanycats99

Does he have issues concentrating? Is he clumsy generally - falling over not great at sports. My daughter loses everything and knocks all sorts over. She is dyspraxic. Her dad loses everything - I suspected he has adhd.

To defend him against all the others posters it may not be his fault!

My daughter is also very sensitive / emotional and gets very upset when she does damage stuff she just can't help it!

With all due respect a dyspraxic child wouldn’t be doing wheelies on a mountain bike. I think you are massively out of line with this armchair diagnosis - I say this as someone who has dyspraxia.

With all due respect a dyspraxic child wouldn’t be doing wheelies on a mountain bike.
Well he wasn't, was he? He was attempting wheelies and failed fairly spectacularly.

My Dyspraxic child learned to ride a pedal bike before he was 3 and was riding with a leg over the bar and one handed the same day. He was diagnosed at 17. Has hypermobile joints, he can't properly hop or walk toe to heel in a straight line or catch a ball.

He has no muscle memory but can play guitar to a decent level. He passed his driving test after about a dozen lessons but his teachers thought his handwriting was so had that she couldn't even tell which way up to have the paper.

He wouldn't be able to pack a bag to go on a trip without a list and even then would forget something and lose have the contents.

It's actually quite bizarre and no two folk will be the same.

My two with dyspraxia can both ride bikes and one is a good swimmer. Almost no muscle memory and poor core stability as they also are hyper mobile.

@Grumpyhoonmain My dyspraxic son could do wheelies it's how he broke his thumb and had various other injuries during that phase.

sounds more dyspraxic to me. worth considering. you can always decide that we are all bonkers when you have read some stuff.

I don't have experience of adhd or add though.

there are some autism traits there too, the meltdown after breaking stuff, the poor executive skills.

adhd, autism and dyspraxia are all closely linked and have a ferw similarities.