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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

255 replies

Edenspirits · 06/03/2021 15:17

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/03/2021 19:34

[quote Edenspirits]**@MoriParty*
Gosh people are determined to label your son on here aren't they? Personally I think most kids go this phase during puberty. Uncoordinated, clumsy, forgetful. There's a lot going on in their bodies and brains at this age. Mine is the same, literally injures himself in the home numerous times a day, just minor elbow bumps and the likes, started when puberty hit, also definitely not adhdhmm*

Yes indeed![/quote]
Or they could have a point...

Why dismiss it out of hand when posters aren't just saying it for the sake of it (as often happens on here) but as a direct result of their experience?

monstermissy · 06/03/2021 19:37

My 13 year old ds is exactly the same... everything he has he breaks. I started to give him pocket money last year so he now has to save up and replace stuff using his own money or wait till a birthday etc. If I have to buy him something essential then it's a basic version. It drives me absolutely crazy but I'm very chill to just face. If he's broken it yet can't have it tough tits! He does have ASD but unlike his brother he's excellent at masking it and no one would know.

Tigger85 · 06/03/2021 19:37

@Edenspirits it sounds like you just need a new deraileur, it shouldn't cost too much to fix, your son should have to pay for the replacement part and either watch some YouTube vids to learn how to install it himself or pay the fee for the local bike shop to do it. He should learn how to do some basic bike maintainance anyway to keep his bike safe and running well.

Soontobe60 · 06/03/2021 19:37

[quote Edenspirits]@Toomanycats99 he’s really good at sport- plays in both a footy and rugby team. He doesn’t seem to have difficulty concentrating - he’s just seems to be forgetful[/quote]
ADHD comes in many guises!
It could be that he doesn’t take care of things because he doesn’t see the value in things that he’s not had to pay for.
I’m assuming he has pocket money? If so, with regards to his bike, I’d be telling him you will get it repaired - if that’s possible - or replaced with a second hand one, and he will pay you back through a reduction in his pocket money. There are many places where you can get decent second hand bikes. www.ncagb.co.uk/ucc-bikes-for-sale-events/bikes-for-sale/

reesewithoutaspoon · 06/03/2021 19:42

My son went through a similar phase as a teen. He grew quickly and I think his body/muscles/bones etc just were out of whack for a bit he became very un coordinated and clumsy. passed as he got older.

Viviennemary · 06/03/2021 19:44

I agree buy cheap stuff. I was a kid who lost things. Getting into trouble didn't really do any good.

YanTanTethera123 · 06/03/2021 19:46

@NormanStangerson

In all honesty, his extravagant tears are probably an attempt to manipulate you into replacing the expensive things he’s broken, as I’m guessing it’s worked for him in the past with all the other stuff he’s broken.

I’d completely ignore the histrionics and calmly tell him you’re not replacing them until he can learn to not destroy valuable things.

This ^ He clearly has no sense of responsibility because you replace anything he loses or wrecks, hence has learned no consequences for his carelessness. Replace if you must with the cheapest possible, and if he wants a more expensive version he has to pay for it. At the moment he has no incentive to try and take care of his possessions, does he?
combatbarbie · 06/03/2021 19:47

You have made a post but then constantly defended him because of his age, hormones etc. If it were me and your sure it's not SEN then he doesn't get brand new stuff, older graded phones, 2nd hand bikes, non designer or 2nd hand clothes til he can prove he can be responsible.

CrusoePoll · 06/03/2021 20:10

Sounds just like my 13 year old who has ADHD

Carolina24 · 06/03/2021 20:13

For fuck’s sake, some posters are ridiculous. It’s not a ‘red flag’ for a 13yo to be careless with their things.

MAMNIL · 06/03/2021 20:31

Bike mechanic here.

If you want to post a picture I can have a look but if the rear mech (ie derailleur) is bent at a wierd angle it could well just be the hanger that's bent. Most dérailleurs are attached to the frame via a soft metal component that's designed to bend or break when it takes a blow. In theory that should protect both frame and mech. If it is just that then you're looking at around £20 for the part plus a few minutes to fit. If its not to badly bent then shops have an alignment tool that will put it back to rights in a couple of minutes. Hope that helps- it's annoying when stuff like this happens but it might not be as bad as you think. £400 bikes really aren't all that high end, but the plus side is that parts for them aren't too bad either. Pm or post a picture if you want more detail.

SnowdaySewday · 06/03/2021 20:37

@Edenspirits

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

Either he is especially clumsy, whether or not this is due to something that can be diagnosed/ labelled, like dyspraxia or ADHD, or someone else is involved - i.e. bullying.

Either way, given his track record, giving him a £400 bike was an error of judgement, it was predictable to an adult (but not a teenager, due to their stage of brain development) that this would happen, and unfair to massively tell him off when it did and then refuse to entertain suggestions given regarding ways to help him.

VodkaSlimline · 06/03/2021 20:55

People are always swift to jump in with special needs diagnoses on threads like this but statistically, he probably doesn't have ADHD. He sounds spoilt. I'm a reasonably high earner in my 40s cycling up to 15 miles a day and my bike didn't cost £400!

Stand your ground and don't replace expensive things he's failed to take care of. For the bike, I'd let him walk to school for the rest of this term (it's only 3 weeks) and then if he's shown an improvement, get him a cheap second hand one for the summer term.

Anothermother3 · 06/03/2021 20:57

I’d like to diagnose him with an adolescent brain. Poor boy he must be so upset about his bike. I’m sure it will all improve with maturation maybe get him to download an app to remember certain things.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 06/03/2021 20:57

@VodkaSlimline thing is, the people who suggest ADD/ADHD know what they’re on about usually and are seeing and living it. And given that babies aren’t born with a diagnosis, all of us will have been through a period of thinking “nah, that’s not it.”

BillMasheen · 06/03/2021 21:01

Not sure about the armchair psychology, but just to reassure you, I have broken a bike in that way. It was surprisingly easy, if you happen to be unlucky when falling.

I jumped off a small Kerb on it, slipped, fell awkwardly and mangled the deurailer mechanism. I was a skint student at the time, and the cheap easy fix is to remove the rear mech, cut the chain down and run it as a singlespeed.

If you want to post a picture of the damage I can hazard a guess as to whether it’s possible on your sons bike.

The upside of that for me is that it gave me a lifelong love of singlespeed bikes (it’s a bit of a cult tbh).

It was an odd one, because I’ve had major crashes many times since (mtb rider who loves slidey icy conditions ) and I’ve NEVER done similar damage on any of my geared bikes since.

ImAllOut · 06/03/2021 21:03

Slightly off topic, but £400 is not incredibly expensive in the world of bikes, mostly thanks to covid. The cheapest models are about £200 new and £400 is probably the least you could spend to get a new bike that isn't just a bit block of metal.

Porridgeoat · 06/03/2021 21:06

How far is the school. Natural consequences are best. Don’t get cross, just let him walk to school instead and back. He can save the cash to mend his bike through doing odd jobs like mowing the lawn or washing your car

Topsoil · 06/03/2021 21:07

@mellicauli

BTW - I too am not convinced you have the full story about what happened to the bike.
This.

Is someone maybe bullying him?

Don't be so strict on your poor boy, help him.

AntheasAcquaintance · 06/03/2021 21:09

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BillMasheen · 06/03/2021 21:09

Ah. MANMIL has already suggested a photo.

Also, ignore the competitive ‘My bike cost thruppence‘ mumsnetting. £400 is not a lot of money for a bike. Yeah, I don’t have £400 to spare (spent it all on bikes) but it’s not going to get you something especially durable. I wouldn’t spend more on a bike for a 13yo, but a 400 quite bike won’t be able to take the kind of hammer an enthusiastic but inexperienced young rider will dish out.

Porridgeoat · 06/03/2021 21:10

Phone, wallet, trainers, bike. Non of which I would replace. Instead let him feel the consequences of not having these things. He can save to replace them to help him understand the value

Marcipex · 06/03/2021 21:18

DSS ‘losing’ stuff turned out to be that he was selling it at school.
He also broke stuff for fun, especially if it was expensive.
He also put on major weeping dramatics all the time, as a get out of jail free card.
He also had good school reports. They seem very alike.

LostToucan · 06/03/2021 21:24

I'm a reasonably high earner in my 40s cycling up to 15 miles a day and my bike didn't cost £400!

Good for you.

Maybe you missed the massive shortage / price increase of bikes during Covid.

VodkaSlimline · 06/03/2021 21:33

All the more reason for this kid to have taken care of his bike, @LostToucan, and cheaper bikes can still be had, especially ones good enough for careless 13-year-olds.

@Tankflybosswalkjam VodkaSlimline thing is, the people who suggest ADD/ADHD know what they’re on about usually and are seeing and living it. And given that babies aren’t born with a diagnosis, all of us will have been through a period of thinking “nah, that’s not it.” Sure, but that's textbook confirmation bias. Statistically, most people don't have dyspraxia or ADHD or whatever. Most kids who regularly lose/break things are just careless.