13 year old DS breaks & loses everything

[Edenspirits]

I am at the end of my tether. My 13 year old DS loses or breaks everything we get for him- coats, trainers, a phone, wallet etc. He had a brand new £400 mountain bike for Xmas and has just smashed it up doing wheelies on the road. He uses the bike to cycle to school & we just had a service on it this morning. He’s now beside himself crying because he’s been massively told off.

Aibu to be so at the end of my tether. I don’t know what to do- we can’t afford to get it replaced and I am not sure if the house insurance will cover it.

Aaarrrgghh. He’s virtually hysterical.

That’s not confirmation bias - because we are not part of the diagnostic process! Please see my earlier post about ingrowing toenails!

All the more reason for this kid to have taken care of his bike, @LostToucan, and cheaper bikes can still be had, especially ones good enough for careless 13-year-olds

So thank you for proving that you hadn’t had to buy a new bike during 2020.

Even crappy, well worn, second hand bikes were well into three figures.

Forgetfulness. Breaking things. Exactly how I would describe my ADHD son. And before you instantly think "that's not my child", that's exactly what I thought until I read up on ADHD and discovered it's far from the common misconception of a child that can't stop bouncing off the walls.

• Confirmation bias is the tendency of people to favor information that confirms their existing beliefs or hypotheses.
• Confirmation bias happens when a person gives more weight to evidence that confirms their beliefs and undervalues evidence that could disprove it.
• People display this bias when they gather or recall information selectively, or when they interpret it in a biased way.
• The effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs.

@LostToucan

All the more reason for this kid to have taken care of his bike, *@LostToucan*, and cheaper bikes can still be had, especially ones good enough for careless 13-year-olds

So thank you for proving that you hadn’t had to buy a new bike during 2020.

Even crappy, well worn, second hand bikes were well into three figures.

Actually @LostToucan I bought my bike in spring 2020. I'd offer to show you the receipt but I don't need to "prove" anything to you so get off your high horse. Oh, and more recently I've been shopping for kids' bikes and there are plenty of second-hand ones available.

[quote Tankflybosswalkjam]@VodkaSlimline thing is, the people who suggest ADD/ADHD know what they’re on about usually and are seeing and living it. And given that babies aren’t born with a diagnosis, all of us will have been through a period of thinking “nah, that’s not it.”[/quote]
Right, I had the same conversations with people that the OP is having right now.

Being at the end of my tether.
DD being sensitive and a bit forgetful but not struggling to concentrate, and no red flags being raised by school.
DD being very good at sports.
DD being so upset when she lost things.
Me saying 'But she's definitely not got ADHD or neurodiverse.'
Me trying to make her care, and me thinking she just didn't appreciate the things she had, and me thinking the tougher I was with her, eventually she'd learn.

And here we are 6 years later. I know a lot more about ADD/ADHD now. I've learnt what my children actually really cannot do no matter how hard they try, and I no longer get upset or angry.

I know to adjust my expectations, while they've also learnt a lot about tactics and strategies to get through life without constantly being upset and thinking they're useless.

But yes, I could easily have been this OP 6 years ago, tearing my hair out with frustration. I wish I'd learnt a bit earlier how ADD can present, so that we would not have gone through so much upset.

OTOH the OP's son might just be a spoilt little shit who needs to learn things the hard way and have to walk 7 miles home uphill through the snow etc.

@WhoWants2Know

I think people have misinterpreted and think he's losing his temper or breaking stuff on purpose.

I used to be terrible for losing things, so I can empathise. It improved a lot when I switched to an antidepressant that is used off-label for ADHD.

Which antidepressant is this? I saw a psychiatrist to get diagnosed for ADHD. He admitted he was used to diagnosing kids but not adults, in all likelihood I had it but a high functioning form as I was intelligent so that meant I had got away with it most of my life. He said he didn't see the point of officially diagnosing so I don't have one. After Covid I may ask to be re referred but I wonder what the anti depressant is.

Btw OP your DS sounds just like I was. And my own DS. He got new headphones Ans 24 hours he has snapped them. He is now wearing them with his sister's headband duct taped to them to keep them in shape. No way I'm buying him new ones.

My son is in his 20's now but was exactly the same.He's dyspraxic yet is very talented at rugby and archery so there can be contradictions. I'm not sure I'd punish him for something he possibly can't avoid.

Dyspraxic

Actually @LostToucan I bought my bike in spring 2020. I'd offer to show you the receipt but I don't need to "prove" anything to you so get off your high horse. Oh, and more recently I've been shopping for kids' bikes and there are plenty of second-hand ones available.

Good for you to get your bike in the spring - but then lockdown caused bike prices to soar, and you were bloody lucky to find anything in stock under £800.

And guess what - second hand bikes soared in price too because new bikes were like gold dust.

So I’ll quite happily stay on my high horse and point out that £400 on a new bike for a 13 year old last Christmas was not unreasonable.

I have dyspraxia and ADHD (inattentive). I got good grades at school and I have gone to a top university but I didn't get diagnosed to my 20's. I was also good at PE.

I used to get shouted at all the time before of breaking stuff...it used to make me feel constantly bad and I get anxiety if I do something wrong.

I can't have expensive stuff or I will lose them and break them. I think I've broke my phone 4 times since I've had this contract (luckily I've got insurance).

I wouldn't rule out SEN, if you can try and at least get an assessment, if he doesn't have it then he doesn't have it, if he does, he does. There's not really much to lose is there?

£400 on a new bike for a 13 year old last Christmas was not unreasonable.

It is if he doesn't take care of things.

It is if he doesn't take care of things.

Sure.

But then, it also depends on the circumstances around the damage to the bike.

This made me smile - today I have been reading old diaries and letters as I am moving soon and having a clear-out.

One of my DDs was briefly a weekly boarder in a nearby school and there were lots of her letters home. Every single one contained a list of things she had forgotten to take, or forms she had forgotten to get me to sign, or things that had broken. She is, if it s any consolation, a very organised, not to say obsessional, young woman now!

Meh. He is a teen. They do stupid crap like doing wheelies. Most dont have a great sense of consequence if its fun at the time.

Tell him to get on you tube and learn the bits of the bike and how it can be fixed or get him to research bike shops and get him to ring them on monday to sort the bike being fixed. Least he was outside having fun. It's more about teaching him to fox consequences.

I was like this throughout my youth and still am to some extent, now I'm a middle aged mother with a responsible job and all that. I was referred to the educational social worker at school but refused to go- I didn't and don't feel that there's much to be gained in labelling this sort of stuff. My husband thinks my ongoing problems with losing things are underpinned by inattentiveness, which I think is probably right. Although it was never deliberate I am not as bad now I'm older, particularly since having children e.g. I used to lock myself out all the time because I'd lost my keys, but I don't think I've ever done this with the kids. Car keys are another matter mind.

Oh my lord at the people trying to label

If the child happy and managing fine at school surely any traits they have are at a subclinical level not warranting diagnosis/intervention.

I'm clumsy with certain things OP. I've managed to break the screen of my last 4 phones, often get holes in clothing too. I used to lose my keys etc more too but less so since meeting DH as his good habits have rubbed off - everything has a place and after a while it really does become habit to put the key on the hook as you enter the house.

I do not at have ADHD or anything else. Im a successful professional with a high paying job, and do not struggle in any way with organisation, life skills, relationships, I'm happy. Those are just my personality/character traits and part of the variability of humans. Clumsiness and carelessness can both be perfectly neurotypical human traits without needing to diagnose anything!

Your DS is 13. If he has a tendency to lose stuff, the only way around it is things like tile tags on keys and ingrained habits - eg have a specific pocket on rucksack for keys, a hook for them when you return home, nag until it just becomes habit.

The clumsiness: do everything you can to teach him to protect and insure his belongings - use seriously tough phone cases and screen protectors and buy models of phones that are cheaper to repair. Only buy second hand replacements and teach him to sew so he can repair holes in clothes, missing buttons etc.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I'd get him a second hand bike to ride to school and stop buying him expensive things until he learns

This. Very basic second hand bike. If a phone is essential for emergencies, once again most basic second hand model. Non essential stuff just doesnt get replaced.

I too think the thread is too based on wanting to diagnose him ADHD. I don't think it sounds like that at all.

Is he just clumsy?
Or no value for things?

Because those are very different issues. With very different reactions needed.

Sounds a lot like ADHD (inattentive)

It's not unreasonable to raise ADD as something to consider but pretty arrogant to think you've got a better idea of a diagnosis from a few posts than the OP who actually lives with her son. Like PP have said, statistically most people don't have it.

Armchair diagnosis aside natural consequences are a good stating point. Look into the possibility of getting the bike fixed with his pocket money. If that's not an option then it's going to be doing without or a cheap replacement.

I don't see anyone here diagnosing the OP's child with ADHD/ADD, where is that?

What I see is people suggesting it as it chimes with our experience of parenting DC with ADHD, or of having it ourselves, then trying to correct misinformation about ADHD.

Where it got into a debate with the OP was when she said no, her DS couldn't possibly have ADHD, but it was clear she doesn't understand the condition.

The to and fro on ADHD could have been avoided like this:

OP: "My DS loses and breaks stuff" stuff

PP: "sounds a lot like my DC with ADHD / dyspraxia"

OP: "Oh really, that's not something I've considered / know much about"

PP: Give info on our experiences of ADHD and why we are suggesting it as a possibility

OP: "Thank you for taking the time to post, that's interesting. Now does anyone have any practical suggestions about helping my DS to not lose / break stuff?"

PPs: Share suggestions for strategies

*

Instead, this happened:

OP: "My DS loses stuff"

PPs: "Sounds a lot like my child with ADHD / dyspraxia"

What the OP hears: "I am telling you, your DS has ADHD" (not what any of us have said)

OP: "No, my DS can't possibly have ADHD" (based on obvious misconceptions of ADHD).

PPs: try to dispell misinformation about ADHD and explain why it could be a possibility

Other posters: "Don't be ridiculous, DC with ADHD are like this" (insert more misinformation about ADHD here)

PPs:Try to correct further misinformation

New posters who haven't read the thread but are trying to help "Sounds like ADHD"

OP: Gets increasingly frustrated thread is about ADHD and defensive as she feels we are trying to label her DS.

Well put fast

I had this with my son too, he didn't respect things (or other peoples' money) at all. The only thing I can saw is that he grew up and saw the light - eventually.

Example - he would never use a cover for his mobile phone so the screen would eventually crack - the phone still worked so he had to carry on using it with a crack. Anyway, he had an expensive phone for his birthday which he still refused to use a case for. Until he did something to the screen and the screen protector took the brunt - at which point he finally saw the light and ordered himself a case from Amazon and when I said I could have ordered it for him he said it was his mistake and so he had to pay for it. Halleluiah!

We had the ride the bike into a brick wall or similar and had the guy doing the service wondering what on earth he had been doing to it!

Losing and breaking things are red flags Nonsense. Some people are just careless. He's 13, not 33!

And my son doesn't have ADHD or anything similar. He was just lazy and careless. You don't need to label everything - it's ok to have character flaws.