To ask for money for wedding presents?

[AvocadoHo]

Myself and fiancé have been together years, lived together 3years. We have everything for our home. Although, we are currently in the process of renovating. We get married next year and fiancé has said about asking for money for wedding present that we can put towards house renovation.
Is this acceptable? How would you word it? I've had a few wedding invites with the cheeky/funny poems asking for money and these make me a little uncomfortable. 🙈😂

We literally said - "you've all seen the wee size of our house, we don't need any wedding gifts. We just want to see you at our wedding. But if you can't fight that gift giving urge, you can always sling us a tenner towards our honeymoon fund" No one got the hump!

All of my friends have done the same and it is so bloody easy gifting them money towards a honeymoon or similar. No one wants wedding china you only get out at Christmas anymore. I would much rather give someone money at a wedding than a bottle of champers or a random gravy boat or whatever.

@AgeLikeWine

Asking for money as wedding presents is one of the things MN is notoriously weird about, OP.

In real life, normal people think it’s completely fine and 100% acceptable. Go for it.

I don’t think they do.

A colleague married before lockdown and lots were very and unhappy with the request for money to attend the evening do.

This thread has some strange responses...asking for money is 100% fine and all the weddings I've been to have asked that money is given towards xyz instead of presents and I love that. I will br doing the same. Saves you getting all the tacky 'Mr and Mrs' crap too. Anyone saying they wouldn't go to a wedding because of this are, quite honestly, absurd. In the real world its totally normal and inoffensive.

Mid 30s here and I've been to about a zillion weddings in the past few years. Not one of them, iirc, has asked for money - because it's generally understood that it's really fucking rude to do so

Maybe it's a class thing? I'm Northern and working class, as are most of my friends. If we don't need anything, we don't need anything. We don't then ask for money instead (though most people give it anyway).

At my wedding we didn't ask for gifts but most people gave us cash. A couple of people gave really lovely gifts - eg books they knew were special to us, and beautiful champagne glasses - but generally cash was the Done Thing.

The more "posh" weddings I've been to over the years, with public school types, have had more John Lewis gift lists rather than just not mentioning gifts at all - but, again, no requests for cash.

No idea who actually asks for money or uses these tacky poems people talk about, but I'd really like to see one IRL.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
Expecting money to attend is very different to saying "no expectation but if you'd like to give us a present, money would be lovely".
People like to set their own level of generosity with these things.

@Kgrzghtechh

But a wedding list isn't vulgar?

A wedding list is like saying, "I want a gift but you have shit taste".

I actually spurned a wedding list to give money once because I thought the couple had horrible taste, plus the bride was a housemate of mine previously, and I knew for a fact that the ugly plates she'd chosen wouldn't stand a chance.

Those who are saying it's rude and they wouldn't give money in place of a gift - would you be prepared to buy a wedding gift instead if you attended a wedding of someone you (presumably) liked? And if so, what's the difference in contributing an equivalent amount of cash that you otherwise would have spent on a gift?

Unless I'm missing something...

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I still don't understand why it's more cheeky and crass to ask for cash than for a lamp from John Lewis🙈

Asking for anything is cheeky and crass. Many have stated that. It’s not an ‘either or’ thing

I don't find asking for money a problem at all, I want to give the people I love/like what they want rather than gifts they already have or don't need. What a waste of money buying things that are not needed.

And I don't see it any less Vulgar than someone sending me a list of things I can choose from ,to buy them.

Most people have lived together before marriage now, so they have all the household items which used to be asked for, money makes sense IMO

@1FootInTheRave

Don't mention gifts at all on the invitation.

Most will likely give money anyway.

I think this is the way to go. Back when I got married it was normal to make a gift list but people would ask for it you didn't give it to them, I mean people don't need to be told it is the normal thing to buy a gift. I think with money it is the same, you don't ask but they are likely to ask you or your mum or his mum and then you (or Mum/mum in law) say money would be great for x y or z.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I still don't understand why it's more cheeky and crass to ask for cash than for a lamp from John Lewis🙈

I don't think it is. As I said above in my day you had a list but you didn't offer it to people you waited for them to ask for it. With my friends/colleagues the "done" thing was to use a small book, write an item on each page and when people asked for your list you gave them the book and they ripped out the item they wanted to buy. Some people decided to buy something else, some might have given money.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I still don't understand why it's more cheeky and crass to ask for cash than for a lamp from John Lewis🙈

Asking for anything is cheeky and crass. A wedding is a celebration of the love you have for another person and the fact that you want to spend your life with them, not an excuse for having people bring you gifts!

Having said that, I would never turn up to a Wedding empty handed but it really grinds my gears when people have a list or ask for money. Fuck off! You'll get what you're given...if you're lucky.

This is really divisive.
I am firmly on the ‘no it’s really not good to ask for money’ side of things. However I see the sense in contrary argument. Just don’t agree with it.
Congrats op.

I think is completely fine to do so. I would put in the card something like "no boxed gifts". As from the guest point of view I find it easier to give money which the couple can use toward whatever they need.

It’s just cultural isn’t it. At Sikh weddings money is the oldest tradition. I think it’s anonymous though so no one is embarrassed if they can’t give much. Money in envelope presented to bride and groom. Perfect.

I am not Sikh but I’d rather give money than buy something to be honest.

Just like the 11+ year old kids get money for birthdays (younger too really).

The poems are cringe and unnecessary though.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I will turn down the invites with grabby lists/poems in them. No resentment then and I am sure that the bride and groom don’t care if I attend or not.

We just mentioned to people that asked what we would like as a gift that we would prefer money and everyone seemed happy with the answer, some gave money and some have giftcards

Just invite people. No poems or other nonsense. The majority of people cant be assed buying actual gifts these days, they'd prefer money in a card. But asking is rude really.

How do you know if people don’t mind though? I bitch with Dh and then send the cheque

It's absolutely fine. Anyone who is happy to buy you a gift but not give money is just being snobby and selfish. Just make it clear that you don't expect anything but if people did want to get a gift you'd be grateful for money for xyz purpose.

@Donkeydonut

How do you know if people don’t mind though? I bitch with Dh and then send the cheque

If you don't like it, don't do it? Same if you can't afford it?

Well yes that’s exactly what I just said

All these people confidently saying that people don’t mind, a bit bizarre given that it’s their assumption and no one would be rude enough to say anything.

I think it is totally fine to ask for money and very much the norm.

Mumsnet says it is crass
And shows our lack of class
But money is our wish
If you’d like to get a gift

This is what I’m going to write in my wedding invitations.