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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for money for wedding presents?

416 replies

AvocadoHo · 06/03/2021 13:46

Myself and fiancé have been together years, lived together 3years. We have everything for our home. Although, we are currently in the process of renovating. We get married next year and fiancé has said about asking for money for wedding present that we can put towards house renovation.
Is this acceptable? How would you word it? I've had a few wedding invites with the cheeky/funny poems asking for money and these make me a little uncomfortable. 🙈😂

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 06/03/2021 20:04

Sorry for tangent but do people consider it bad taste to go to a wedding and not give anything?

Generally yes. The exception would be if attending was very costly (i.e. abroad) and /or the attendee was penniless. Even then I think a token gift and card is a good idea.

TheKeatingFive · 06/03/2021 20:05

Also zero gifts from our wedding ended up in the charity shop

Lucky you, I am the proud owner of 3 wine decanters I never use 😆

marmitepasta · 06/03/2021 20:06

I think it's grabby even though I am aware lots of people do it these days.
When my cousin got married, they said no gifts and asked that people donate to a specified local charity if they wanted to give money. That was nice I though.

newbie987 · 06/03/2021 20:07

We asked for money at our wedding, we had been in our house a few years so had everything we needed in that respect, we asked for money to put towards a round of IVF.
We still had a few small gifts (photo frames etc) from people who didn't want to give money but most people were happy.
I had the same feelings as you at the time but everyone I spoke to at the time was happy to give money.

Ginger1982 · 06/03/2021 20:12

Grabby and tacky to ask for money as a gift whether it be for a honeymoon or DIY. Not a huge fan of gift lists either. I didn't have a list or ask for anything when I got married. If people asked me, I said that I would like whatever they chose. Many gave us vouchers anyway, which was nice but we also got some lovely gifts that I would never have thought of asking for. I don't know if our guests felt frustrated by how we did it, but I just didn't want to appear to be pushing anyone into giving anything!

EasterIssland · 06/03/2021 20:14

I end up with so many crap things in Xmas time every year that at least if I’m paying for the wedding bill id prefer something that I don’t need or like.

SharonasCorona · 06/03/2021 20:29

I’m Asian, this is very normal in our culture. Our wedding invitations say ‘No boxed gifts please’.

sunflowertulip · 06/03/2021 20:31

@TheKeatingFive for me, the difference is it doesn't just go into one pot to pay for a kitchen/a holiday etc, it's something they'd like for their home to keep and I'm happy to spend more money on this.

I'm sure for those who I have given cash to won't think we are mean.

Frogartist · 06/03/2021 20:35

Don't ask for gifts at all in the invitation. Id someone asks you can say that money for your renovation would he useful, or you would like xyz ( there must be something you need or would like.

CoastAlong · 06/03/2021 20:37

Asking for money is tacky. Writing a poem to ask for money is even tackier.

TheKeatingFive · 06/03/2021 20:37

it's something they'd like for their home to keep and I'm happy to spend more money on this

But why wouldn’t you contribute to something bigger/an experience if that’s what they’d prefer?

Emeraldshamrock · 06/03/2021 20:38

I think most people would give money given the circumstances.
I personally wouldn't ask about gifts if you end up with 2 toasters re-gift them at Christmas.

GuacamoleParty · 06/03/2021 20:43

Most weddings I've been to, they've asked for money. I've absolutely no beef with it; I'd rather give people money they can use for something they actually want. Better that than buying them a gift they don't really want that will end up in a charity shop. Maybe once upon it was tacky to ask for money but times have changed and its not worth getting offended about.

Just please don't write a tacky poem.

MapGirlExtraordinaire · 06/03/2021 20:44

Chrissy I do see your point, but what should they do?

I can see from their pov (as its similar to mine)

I've given gifts/money to aaaaalllll my friends who have got married over the years, first one was 17 years ago! Last wedding was Nov before Covid.

No idea how much I've spent on them all, but I was always on the generous side.

Now that I'm going to be an older bride, why should I not get gifts back from all my friends? Just because i don't need new towels etc and maybe it took me a bit longer to find the right man, should I effectively be penalised? The £50 I spent on friends in my mid twenties was a lot of money then, which I willingly and voluntarily spent.

The £100, £150, £200 I spent more recently because I can afford to is still a lot of money.

Presumably the people I love and want to invite will want to get me a gift, why shouldn't I suggest that a contribution towards an amazing holiday is what I'd want most in the world? Should I pretend that it's fine for a younger me to have paid out money for everyone else but not want anything back now it's my turn?

If I should pretend this, why?

The English confuse me and I'm one of them, just unlike many others in this regard

DropDTuning · 06/03/2021 20:45

Disappointed no one loves my poem.
I worked really hard on that to make it personal and meaningful for the OP.

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2021 20:48

That’s the issue, when you ask for money it’s pretty much in the same corridor as selling tickets, I think that’s why it’s so uncomfortable for so many people, it’s here’s you’re invite, can we have money.

1Morewineplease · 06/03/2021 20:53

Thank goodness that the days of writing your gift list from Argos are over.
The thing is, most couples, decades ago, would be starting from scratch.
Today, most couples will have lived together for a long while before marrying and will already have the toaster, vacuum cleaner, ironing board etc...
there's almost no need for a gift list but people want to buy something. The trouble is, cash is often seen as grabby.
I know some folk ask for donations towards a honeymoon but the truth is, you shouldn't be booking a honeymoon if you can't afford it.
Not sure that I know what the answer is, these days.
We've attended a few weddings over the last few years where the bridal couple have said that they have all that they need but if anyone would like to make an offering then they would like cash/cheques put into a box at the reception that was to be distributed towards a charity/various charities.
That sounds lovely to me.
But , ultimately, it's your choice.

LongTimeMammaBear · 06/03/2021 20:53

We went to a wedding a while ago that was abroad. Really fabulous setting. Was quite expensive for us to go as our DC are considered adults for air fare and as I have 3 DC, we had to have 3 hotel rooms.

The couple asked for money - to be paid in to a wedding fund. We did give £150 but it cost us thousands to attend. I would have preferred buying something as an actual gift. But did as they asked.

From a Hurst’s point of view, disappointing but would do so if asked.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 06/03/2021 20:54

I detest people asking for money for weddings. It's so rude.

Ginger1982 · 06/03/2021 20:56

@newbie987

We asked for money at our wedding, we had been in our house a few years so had everything we needed in that respect, we asked for money to put towards a round of IVF. We still had a few small gifts (photo frames etc) from people who didn't want to give money but most people were happy. I had the same feelings as you at the time but everyone I spoke to at the time was happy to give money.
Gosh, as someone who has had multiple rounds of IVF myself, this was very open of you. I think I might have felt a bit uncomfortable as a guest presented with that though.
Viviennemary · 06/03/2021 20:56

No boxed gifts. Fine. Take gift out of box and wrap it up. Problem solved.

sunflowertulip · 06/03/2021 20:59

@TheKeatingFive because money to go into the pot doesn't feel the same to me and it's more like just paying to go to a wedding rather than helping them celebrate their new life together. I don't think my gift giving is mean, I still give a respectable amount if I give cash, but if I'm buying an item I know they'll love it's something I'm happier to spend more on.

I often give nieces and nephews cash for birthdays but for 18ths I've bought a physical present (and spent more) as I like giving something tangible to remember the special occasion.

I understand some people feel differently to me, but that's my opinion, and with regards to invitations, I'd say nothing if they want cash and hope people take the hint.

Frogartist · 06/03/2021 21:05

@LucieStar

Those who are saying it's rude and they wouldn't give money in place of a gift - would you be prepared to buy a wedding gift instead if you attended a wedding of someone you (presumably) liked? And if so, what's the difference in contributing an equivalent amount of cash that you otherwise would have spent on a gift?

Unless I'm missing something...

It isn't obvious what you have spent on an item. But if you give cash it's very obvious how much you've given!
Newkitchen123 · 06/03/2021 21:11

@LongTimeMammaBear

We went to a wedding a while ago that was abroad. Really fabulous setting. Was quite expensive for us to go as our DC are considered adults for air fare and as I have 3 DC, we had to have 3 hotel rooms.

The couple asked for money - to be paid in to a wedding fund. We did give £150 but it cost us thousands to attend. I would have preferred buying something as an actual gift. But did as they asked.

From a Hurst’s point of view, disappointing but would do so if asked.

We had a wedding abroad. A smallish wedding. We said we don't need anything please do not buy anything you have spent enough to get here. We were honoured that they gave up holidays and forked out to be there. I cannot imagine being so grabby as to ask for cash on top of all that! Beyond rude
FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 06/03/2021 21:15

I got married in 2019. We asked for money instead of gifts and our guests more than happily obliged.

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