Husband seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

Accidentally posted on another board but don't know how to remove..

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down

Can he not look after the kid while you go back to therapy ?

You need somewhere to download- he sounds very unsympathetic

@LaurieFairyCake how should they be ? I just don't know if it's me or him.

I'm doing phone therapy for now due to the pandemic, but definitely will go in person again once it's allowed. Thank you fir reading, I know it's long.

Your husband is being an unsympathetic knob. Have you sat down and calmly explained how much you are struggling right now and how you need his emotional support?

Is he supportive in other ways? Is he doing his fair share of housework and baby duties?

Are you getting enough sleep? Sleep deprivation with my babies floored me. Made it impossible to do anything else.

I think you're neither of those things. I struggled as a new-ish parent and I'm struggling again now. Nothing to be ashamed of.

My DH has told me time and again he can't bear me crying so I feel like I need to bottle it up / save it for when he can't witness it. It exacerbates feelings of loneliness when the other person can't empathise / doesn't know how to cope with negative emotions.

Right now it is truly shit for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Some are coping better than others.

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert. I grew up with a single mum and emotions were always there to be aired and me and my two brothers are, I think, compassionate and unafraid of messy emotions and inconsistent, real people. My DH had the opposite. Two unhappy, mute parents, no expression of emotions positive or negative, not huggy, not messy, and then an acrimonious divorce when he was a teen.

I often feel I scare him with being not self contained, not consistent, and being honest with my feelings. I do put on a brave face for the kids, am generally cheerful and upbeat, and mostly hide my emotions from him, but when I can't any longer I sense he wants to help, hasn't a clue where to begin, is repelled by me crying and generally wishes one of my friends or my mum was around to call on to replace him. He means well but is unprepared for someone like me...

CBT doesn't sound quite right for you. I had gestalt therapy in my 20s and it has had lasting benefits.

I don’t think this is a you problem. He’s probably right in that he doesn’t know how to respond, but that’s his problem not yours. Could you talk to him when you’re in a better state of mind and tell him how you would like him to respond? Maybe he needs it explaining to him that the best way for him to respond is with empathy, or jokes to cheer you up (whatever works for you) even a simple ‘oh dear’ or ‘is there anything I can get for you to help?’ Would work better than him not understanding and ignoring.

Also I don’t think CBT has to be cold, if this doesn’t work out for you could you try a different therapist or way of therapy?

Unfortunately, in this country people still hold outdated attitudes towards mental health so it might take some explaining to get him to understand what you need. If he disagrees and doesn’t try after that then he’s being a dick.

I just feel like he thinks I'm dramatic. I don't think he takes it seriously at all. ' you're always like this ' ' you're always unhappy '.

He tries to do his share, but it's a struggle to be honest.

I'm sleeping OKish. My daughter is 1 now. She doesn't wake up in the night really. So that's good. I always have insomnia though, so I am awake a lot in the night - but it's not the worst it's been at the moment.

But the physical manifestation on my breathing happening regularly is not good. That's kind of a newish thing that it happens regularly. It's scary because I wasn't feeling anxious ( so I thought ). But I think I've traced it back to a couple of things I read today that did make me feel anxious and I think that then can manifest itself like this later. So weird.

Your reply to ‘you’re always unhappy’ is ‘yes, can you not see how badly this is affecting me? You need to start helping me and supporting me like a caring husband does’

@Thehawki you're right. It's like ' you're always unhappy ' is an accusation and a get out clause to help, all at the same time. That's how it feels.. ' ahhhh you're always unhappy ' NO BIG deal. That's how it feels when he says that. You'll be alright, you'll survive.

Going to go against the grain here and say it must be incredibly difficult to have a partner who has continual mental health problems and they don’t seem to be getting better.

I’m not blaming you OP but I am saying he is a person too and perhaps he just doesn’t know how to support you now.

I had PND and my partner couldn’t get anything right. In my head he didn’t listen, didn’t empathise, didn’t recognise etc - it was only when I recovered did I realise he has simply no clue how to help me and he had tried in ways I hadn’t recognised. He was heartbroken by how bad I had got and I know he really really struggled seeing me like that.

It’s not an excuse but it is fair to say living with someone with continuing mental health issues is very hard.

You need to go back to therapy, you are responsible for resolving it. DP should be supportive but ultimately it is your mental health and your responsibility to address the escalation

To be fair it's pretty miserable living with someone who's always depressed and anxious - especially at the moment when there's so little else.
I don't think you can blame him for struggling to be constantly sympathetic. It's a hard situation for both of you. Communication is really important. Maybe you need to take the lead in asking how he is feeling and work out how to bring a bit of joy back in, and hopefully he will respond.

@unmummsymummy21 - With regard to your breathing difficulties, just to let you know, in case you weren't aware, that it sounds very much like the stirrings of a panic attack. My PAs come on like this, feeling like I can't catch my breath - as you're experiencing, it's a really scary sensation. My GP prescribed Propranalol, which I take before I go into a situation which I know I will find stressful, but they are fast acting, so I could take them as an attack starts and it should head it off before it gets established. It might be worth discussing with your own GP if there's something which could help you?

Thank you Betsy. I have some of those tablets and took some this evening, together with three strong camomile teas.

I very much hear the other posters who say maybe he doesn't know what to say and that it cannot be easy to live with someone who struggles. That's very true.

I do ask him how he is and I really try to ' take care ' of him and do things for him that I know make him happy. He's a very grumpy person. I find that difficult to deal with too. I'm not grumpy, I just cry sometimes. I am not passive aggressive, he is.

But he tries to take the baby sometimes when I'm very sad and he tries to help out.

I just hate the thought I'm not nice to be around. But I guess I have to live with that.

Your reply to ‘you’re always unhappy’ is ‘yes, can you not see how badly this is affecting me? You need to start helping me and supporting me like a caring husband does’

This is a really bad idea... It's not his fault you have problems, and it's also a disrespectful and unpleasant way to communicate with your life partner who you (hopefully) love and respect. This kind of rude and aggressive reply is just going to put him off making any effort to help you at all.

Your husband does not sound v helpful, but equally it sounds like he doesn’t know how to help and possibly finds people talking about emotions / low mood hard (or is he just an arse??).

Anyway, your therapist sounds rubbish. She shouldn’t be talking over you, but it also sounds like CBT isn’t for you. I’d have a think about where you’d like to get to in the next year and look on uKCP site for what kind of therapy you think might be for you and set up consultations with 3 people. Early on talk to your therapist about your challenges in communicating with your husband.

I’d also talk to your gp about your anxiety, or CBT should help with this.

A bit confused by your post, since CBT is a type of psychotherapy. Do you mean you had counselling before? The therapist should not be talking over you but do you think there is a possibility you are going over and over the same stuff and the therapist is trying to intervene in that? Just talking about how bad we feel is helpful for a while, but sooner or later, you need to do something about it. CBT is very practical and focused on making changes - whereas counselling is providing a safe space for you to speak about whatever you want. Is it possible your husband is burned out because it doesn't seem you are making any changes or trying to help yourself? Or looking outside yourself for the answers (like medication?). Ultimately the only way to resolve anxiety is to face it, which is what CBT should help you do. If the therapist is really unsympathetic you could ask for a different one, but it is also possible that you are stuck in a rut and the therapist is trying to challenge that. And that your husband has gotten to the point where he doesnt know what to do.

@WannabemoreWeaver oh sorry, I meant I did a lot of psychoanalysis in the past. Understandably you were confused as it doesn't make sense.

I'm not sure it's fair to say that I don't try to help myself. I'm literally always doing some kind of counselling. At the moment it's CBT. I've had CBT before and it was very different. I was still able to express myself and didn't get interrupted. But I think that doing it on the phone makes it very hard not to be interrupted.

I'm not constantly moping around and complaining about the same things either. But yeah, perhaps my husband doesn't know how to help. But it doesn't feel like he tries or cares.

I think saying that the only way to face anxiety is to face it applies more to situational anxiety. When it's actually physical and subconscious - in the sense that I'm not thinking anxious thoughts when I have the physical sensation of not being able to breathe - that's a very different thing. It comes from the subconscious in my opinion.

I've had all sorts of anxiety. Including the fear of the fear - and in that case, I'm 100 with you. You have to just go through the fear when you have fear of the fear of fear of panic. Only people who have felt the fear of the fear and gone through it, will know what I mean.

But when I actually can't breathe, I literally don't know what to do with that. I try to face that too but it's very different facing it makes it worse. I don't know how to diffuse that one.

[quote unmummsymummy21]@WannabemoreWeaver oh sorry, I meant I did a lot of psychoanalysis in the past. Understandably you were confused as it doesn't make sense.

I'm not sure it's fair to say that I don't try to help myself. I'm literally always doing some kind of counselling. At the moment it's CBT. I've had CBT before and it was very different. I was still able to express myself and didn't get interrupted. But I think that doing it on the phone makes it very hard not to be interrupted.

I'm not constantly moping around and complaining about the same things either. But yeah, perhaps my husband doesn't know how to help. But it doesn't feel like he tries or cares. [/quote]
I didnt say you were not helping yourself, but asked if it was possible he may see it that way? Was your husband supportive in the past? As others have said, unfortunately when a partner has a chronic health condition it can be very wearing on the people around them and their ability to be empathic can burn out. You say you are always in some kind of therapy so it is possible he is just frustrated that none of it seems to be helping (as I am sure you must be too). Hopefully your treatment also supports you to look at what you can change and do differently - otherwise therapy is just a talking exercise and not ultimately helpful. If you had CBT before and feel this time it is less effective, you should talk to the therapist about what is not working for you, and if that isnt effective, try and switch therapist - CBT does not have to be cold. It is a bit harder on the phone, but a competent therapist should be able to make it work. Whatever you do, I hope you can find the help you need so you can get on with enjoying life.

If he is grumpy all the time he might be pulling you down, I've an issue with dismissive grumpy men I couldn't live with one, my MH is iffy my OH is very happy supportive and easy going.
I had too as a child.
They suck the fun out of life and destroy good people.
You sound like a nice happy person who is having some issues.
Sometimes the problem is in front of your nose.
It is hard living with someone with MH issues i don't think that's the problem for you, he may be.

The breathing may be panic attacks. CBT can be good for that, but you may need medication.

As for your husband, men tend by nature to be fixers of problems. You may just want a sympathetic ear, while he gets frustrated and exhausted because he can't help you. My husband and I worked out a code for that. If I'm talking about my feelings, upset, whatever and I just want someone to listen, I'll tell him that. He will just listen without driving himself crazy trying to come up with a way to fix whatever's wrong.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you know he can't fix your problems, and that you're working on them with professionals, but sometimes you need to vent and could he just listen. Make it clear you don't need or expect anything from him but a sympathetic ear.

You say you’re literally always doing some kind of counselling, which suggests there is a chronic mental health condition here.

As tough as it is to be the partner with the condition, it’s extremely draining on the partner who has to deal with it. It’s exhausting and tiring, especially when the other person doesn’t seem to be getting any better and perhaps is getting worse.

It sounds like he just doesn’t know how to help you, hence his comments about how you’re always unhappy or how there’s always something. He probably just wants to fix it, but can’t and this is adding to his frustration.

@unmummsymummy21

I think saying that the only way to face anxiety is to face it applies more to situational anxiety. When it's actually physical and subconscious - in the sense that I'm not thinking anxious thoughts when I have the physical sensation of not being able to breathe - that's a very different thing. It comes from the subconscious in my opinion.

I've had all sorts of anxiety. Including the fear of the fear - and in that case, I'm 100 with you. You have to just go through the fear when you have fear of the fear of fear of panic. Only people who have felt the fear of the fear and gone through it, will know what I mean.

But when I actually can't breathe, I literally don't know what to do with that. I try to face that too but it's very different facing it makes it worse. I don't know how to diffuse that one.

Well you'll always start breathing you can't physically stop it.

But at the same time I can see this being wearing on your partner month on month. There's nothing he can do to help because your fears are irrational.

He's already told you why he reacts this way - because he didn't know how to help. What you want us for him to just listen, I get that, but he may not understand it. To him, it may seem that your complaints are requests for him to do something practical about your feats, but there's nothing practical to be done about them.

There's another problem too; even if he does understand that you just want him to listen, just listening isn't easy. People have to train for years to become psychotherapists, and few therapists would want to treat family, because it's extremely wearing. I'm not blaming you here, but think how you works feel if your husband repeatedly told you that he hates his life and feels trapped because you had a baby.

That said, he still sounds like a bit of a knob. He shouldn't be ignoring you or being grumpy with you. Call him out on that, but don't expect him to work miracles.

I find it hard to deal with the fact that it's exhausting and difficult to live with me. This makes me feel very ashamed and extremely pathetic. Best that I just keep my mouth shut and save it for the therapist, as I always suspected. This way I won't be a drain on him and I will probably feel stronger for not showing people my vulnerabilities. I'll pay someone for that and save it for that person.

I don't think anybody is actually easy to live with, so don't take it to heart. Keeping your true feelings hidden will not be good for anyone in the long run and will set an example for your child that could lead to them just repeating the circle in their adult life.

I wonder if your partner struggles with seeing you with two different personalities, the happy one outside the home and the one feeling down at home. He may not understand why you can't be happy at home if you are (or look) happy outside. This is probably quite different but my partner has the patience of a saint, and there was a period when she had a colleague that demanded her attention all the time, so she ran out of patience by the time she came home and was snappy with me. I absolutely couldn't handle this, that she channelled all of her patience into this horrible work colleague at my expense! Then when I raised it she was really unhappy with me and in fairness the problem only resolved when colleague moved on to another team. Could your situation be somewhat similar, that you use all your 'happy energy' outside your home and your partner doesn't get any of it even though he is longing for it?