Husband seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

Accidentally posted on another board but don't know how to remove..

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down

I'm saying this in a delicate way, you sound a glass half empty person. Can you try to keep a gratitude diary? It may be that your husband literally doesn't know how to help you.

I sympathise with the panic attacks though. They are truly awful.

@Lastfreakinglegs haha I really try not to be and yes that's a great suggestion.

Living with someone with longterm mental health issues is incredibly difficult.

The onus is all on you to provide support for the both of you, to behave in the right way. To not be grumpy or anxious or upset yourself, whilst they absolve themselves of responsibility of doing this. Watching and supporting someone you love go through mental health isn't exactly conductive to your own mental health, and its possible he portrays hes unhappiness at the situation as grumpy. Maybe when he's telling you everyone feels like this he actually does? Because actually lots of people do feel like this, especially right now.

Dealing with someone elses panic attacks is stressful and difficult, again you are expcted to be able to sat the right thing to calm them down but often you don't know what this is. It puts an insane amount of pressure on the other person when you say 'I cant breathe'.

You say you don't want him to fix it, but actually you do. You want him to behave in the right way and say the right things that will make the situation better for you. But you don't always know what these things are yourself, so how can you expect him to?

[quote unmummsymummy21]@EmpressSuiko no he's never seen it as being 'that bad'. Never really acknowledged my struggle and always just says it's normal and part of life and others feel this way and don't take stuff for it / get therapy etc...: [/quote]
Whoop-de-do for other people but he’s not married to them is he?

Why is he allowed to be grumpy and moody but you’re the one who has to change? And why aren’t you supposed to get support to facilitate that? Because other people don’t? If it’s that easy why doesn’t he just cheer up a bit?

@CalishataFolka he's always been moody. Even before he knew me. He's famous in his family for being a bit of a grump.

Dealing with someone elses panic attacks is stressful and difficult, again you are expcted to be able to sat the right thing to calm them down but often you don't know what this is. It puts an insane amount of pressure on the other person when you say 'I cant breathe'

It’s a physical symptom. If she were choking would it be ok for him to throw up his hands, roll his eyes and say, “Oh what NOW?!”

@CalishataFolkart exactly, you can literally feel like you are dying, I’ve been taken to hospital (not by ambulance) but on advice of 111 due to his severe my panic attacks were, my body went into shock, if my dh just rolled his eyes at me or huffed and puffed then I don’t know how I would have coped or what would have happened.

OPs DH really needs to understand the seriousness of mental health, he sounds very dismissive.

To be fair it's pretty miserable living with someone who's always depressed and anxious - especially at the moment when there's so little else.

I agree. If I'm honest I wouldn't stay with someone who gets so stressed they can't breathe (I realise this makes me a shitty person). "What is it NOW?" is exactly what I would be thinking, and I wouldn't be staying to try and fix things, or even be a listening ear. It sounds wearisome.

He also sounds like he doesn't have enough bounce to keep himself moderately cheerful, let alone buoy someone else up (or he could just be selfish).

If you've been going to therapy for a long time now, but your dh is not really seeing the results, and you seem to not really be in a better place, it is going to feel frustrating for him. It sounds as though you have many triggers or things that worry you or upset you. Initially, your dh may have thought he could help, but as time has gone on he's noticed that little is working to make you feel more consistently content. It's hard to watch someone you love be down and upset regularly, particularly, if some of your reasons seem more extreme than their own personal perceptions. Maybe your dh wants to come home and say, 'Oh i had a rubbish day today' without feeling he's putting more stress on you. Maybe he wants to come home and see you laughing, with a spring in your step.
Men often want to fix things, it's how they deal with stuff often, but he can't fix you, and it seems that irrespective of any therapy you have, your anxieties are still there and very real for you.
A good therapist will interupt you. It's so they can help support your mind flow, from just venting over and over again. It sounds as though you feel a huge need to be acknowledged for how youre often feeling, and that youre expressing this by focusing on a a few different things to vent that. I'm speaking from experience by the way. I saw a few therapists, and all the ones who just sat and listened, (I felt were great) yet I never felt any better. I just felt more justified, in my upset, turmoil and distress. When I finally asked for a tough cookie of a therapist, BINGO, it was remarkable. I feel so much lighter, more balanced.

@Okbussitout
Are you a mental health professional? As you're talking with a lot of certainty. There's a lot of projection in you post too. And a bit of passive aggression. The faux I'm confused shiz when a poster calls something a slightly incorrect term isn't a good look.

Yes. 20+ years of experience and 4 degrees/professional qualifications. Wanting to clarify as types of therapy are very different and I was seeking more clarity. The only aggression and projection here is from you - I was asking reasonable questions based on OP post and offering reasonable suggestions about her CBT experience.

@CalishataFolkart I agree its a physical symptom but its still stressful and you cannot expect someone to react perfectly

If someone is choking you know to do backslaps. If someone looks at you and says 'I cant breathe' because they are having a panic attack, they are saying 'stop my panic attack' and that puts a massive amount of pressure on you because there is no way you can stop their panic attack.

Wow this is one of the least supportive threads I've ever seen on here. Actually I'm fucking disgusted. It's just a pile on. The notion that op is just not trying hard enough and people with mental health issues are just a drain is horrible.

OP I've read your posts and you sound like yuu have some difficulties that loads of people have with very young children. It really doesn't sound like he's helping your mental health. If you're doing everything and he is a grumpy bugger no wonder you feel crappy mentally.

His behaviour almost sounds a bit gaslighting. Making you belive you're really miserable and hard work.

Can I ask if he's so grumpy why you fell in love with him and married him?

I don’t think it’s that unsupportive. People have just pointed out the challenges of living with someone with MH issues. Women get sympathy for it all the time on here if it’s their male partner with depression.

It’s not YOU that’s difficult to live with, op, it’s mental illness that’s difficult to live with, for both of you. Just as any long term and debilitating illness will have an impact on both of you and on your relationship.

I would suggest though that all the talking about it isn’t always helpful, it can be an end in itself and perpetuate a problem. Rumination is a symptom of anxiety and it’s also something that drives anxiety. So whilst you may feel that you need to talk through your feelings, it might not be what you actually need.

[quote DIshedUp]@CalishataFolkart I agree its a physical symptom but its still stressful and you cannot expect someone to react perfectly

If someone is choking you know to do backslaps. If someone looks at you and says 'I cant breathe' because they are having a panic attack, they are saying 'stop my panic attack' and that puts a massive amount of pressure on you because there is no way you can stop their panic attack.[/quote]
Just off the top of my head I would tell the person that they are safe, try and get them to take deep breaths, reassure them that they can breathe because they are talking to me, try and get them to breathe with me, get them to sit down if they’re stood up... And if my spouse who I supposedly love and cherish wants me to help them stop a panic attack I’d have to be a bit of a dick to say, “nope, sorry, you’re on your own.”

If it was a regular occurrence and OP was doing nothing to try and help herself I would have more sympathy for her husband, but it’s only happened twice. Her husband has said he doesn’t want her to take the anxiety meds then gets frustrated when she displays a symptom of anxiety.

I find it difficult. I've had issues in my past and my answer is to deal with it myself. I then find it difficult to sympathise with others who cant do the same thing. Not everyone can help with anxiety and panic because we deal with our own demons. Do you expect him to get you or will you get through it by yourself?

he's always been moody. Even before he knew me. He's famous in his family for being a bit of a grump
What is he doing to change his negative attitude? It seems you're doing all the soul searching while his grumpiness is triggering anxiety.
I personally can't tolerate constantly grumpy people the negative attitude drags me down.
He needs to put in some soul searching too. Lose his grumpy status.

Maybe you’re one of those people who are, as you say in your post, ‘a ray of sunshine’ at work, but keep all your negativity and stress for when you’re at home? I know I’m guilty of that - people at work think I’m bubbly and laidback, but at home I can be very uptight and anxious, and I don’t think my work colleagues would recognise me as the same person they work with. My poor DH tends to get my glass half empty persona, and work my glass half full.

BillMasen

I don’t think it’s that unsupportive. People have just pointed out the challenges of living with someone with MH issues. Women get sympathy for it all the time on here if it’s their male partner with depression.

I agree with this.

It is stressful living with a partner who has MH issues and not everyone is able to cope. That doesn't automatically make them.a bad person.

The thing I did pick up OP is his expectation for dinner and his moaning about things around the house. That would annoy me.

Another thing is him getting grumpy when he looks after your DD... why is he getting grumpy about it? That's not nice and if he carries on she will be able to sense it.

He seems to be a very backwards man in respect of roles in the home. He doesn't see these things as his job and thinks he's helping. That needs to change.

I can't remember if you work as well, but he needs to do more as an adult in the house.

Whilst living with someone who suffers from some MH issues is difficult, his minimal parenting and doing jobs in the house is enough to make you feel overwhelmed and miserable.

Difficult one. My partner has recurring mental health issues as he lives with chronic pain. I try to be supportive (and hope that I succeed at least some of the time) but there have been times where I'm struggling myself and I have had to ask him to rely on professional therapy more.

It doesn't mean closing down communication- actually the opposite. But that the therapist takes on more of the work of helping him to regulate his emotions, as that is tricky. I think it's important to acknowledge that managing your mental health is your responsibility ultimately.

It's hard to say on the Internet as he might well be an annoying arse as well. Wishing you better luck in therapy.

I agree with pp that mental health is the responsibility of the individual. Having lived with it most of my life - only I have been able to get myself out of the really bad phases.
However, an unsupportive partner you have to hide your true feelings from will exacerbate the issue. It’s another stress and anxiety in the place you should feel safe to be yourself - your home. I’m lucky my dh is understanding and I’m very conscious of dragging him down etc and 90% of the time I don’t but he’s there for me in those bad spells. I would really suffer with ops dh, it sounds like being grumpy is just his character. It doesn’t mix well with your mh

@Livelovebehappy

Maybe you’re one of those people who are, as you say in your post, ‘a ray of sunshine’ at work, but keep all your negativity and stress for when you’re at home? I know I’m guilty of that - people at work think I’m bubbly and laidback, but at home I can be very uptight and anxious, and I don’t think my work colleagues would recognise me as the same person they work with. My poor DH tends to get my glass half empty persona, and work my glass half full.

This totally resonates with me. My work thinks i'm a jokey fun person (it's how i cope). Raising children in another country, without my family, and uncaring in laws, absense of close friendship network...it's hard. The intensity of work and household/family life (difficult DS) is relentless.

I don't think I have it as bad as OP though. DH is stubborn, not great at lending a listening ear, he like many men compartmentalises everything and is a "fixer". He does however step up with chores etc whenever I am particularly overwhelmed, but is probably fed up with how to get the fun, good part of me back. I feel like im in a constant fight or flight mode, desperate to "flight" for want of a more laid back life pace... and he is my one and only confidante so is where i break down, because i cant break down at work (i have broken down in front of kids when DS is difficult)

Can i ask how people go about getting CBT or talking therapy? I don't even know where to start with if I go to a GP.

@Rainboom in terms of how to get CBT, you just need to explain to your GP that you're struggling and that you think it may help. I just explained how I was feeling and was given the options to have CBT and medication. I hope you feel better soon.

It can be really hard always supporting a partner with MH issues. Maybe he's burned out after years of your anxiety?

It's hard to tell because we're not on your relationship and can't see what's happening.

If you're so anxious that you can't breathe, what realistically can he do? It sounds stressful for him too. Do you have relaxation exercises you can do? And other sources of support?