Husband seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

Accidentally posted on another board but don't know how to remove..

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down

I agree with telling him what you need from him to see if if changes. My husband can be a bit shit sometimes, I'll say I've got a headache or something and he will change the subject and when I ask why, he will say he wanted to take my mind off it! I have had to say to him just to say 'that sounds rubbish' and give me a hug rather than try to fix it by changing the subject or pointing out things I might have done to cause my headache

Are you on medication?

I think it's hard to judge from the outside- you're right. And to the lovely poster @gutful I take meds and he's actually against that. And I do try to sort my shit out. I don't know why I've given the impression I don't. I just sometimes want to talk to my husband about it and we clearly aren't communicating very well and it's making things worse for both of us.

He's always been a moody person and I have always struggled with that as I am not moody. I am generally pleasant to be around and occasionally want to talk to someone about feeling down and anxious. I have therapy regularly, as to not burden others too much.

I get you op. I had my second baby in the first lockdown. It's been really tough. Not just the isolation, but knowing she's only met 3 of her grandparents once and we cant go anywhere except for a walk.
I've had CBT (online) for health anxiety , it didn't help, so I have regular talking therapy now that does help.
My DH has struggled a lot too and our relationship has not been great. I felt like you, that I was miserable all the time, he didn't listen to me or want to listen, everything was left to me in terms of running the household and looking after the children. Then he was furloughed, so constantly under my feet!
We've managed to sort it out by talking and trying to be understanding of each other. We have a shared diary now, where we write down meal plans, daily activities, jobs that need doing. It's given him a bit of control back as I think he saw me doing an efficient job and didn't know what to do.
I've had the breathing problems with anxiety as well and I went to see my GP. She was great and we're working on a solution.
I think it's been such a difficult year, particularly with a new baby.

Is it a possibility that your husband is actually making you feel worse? Because from what you have said, I am seeing it as the lack of support and also what sounds like annoyance at you is probably making you feel worse. I have a partner that suffers from depression and I’m not like that with him. If he is upset I will do my best to comfort him and listen to him. If he is unable to have empathy towards you I feel this is more his issue than yours. It’s complete rubbish to be saying to you you are always unhappy, especially the fact you said this wasn’t true. Honestly and it’s just my opinion but I think he is being a knob. I don’t think not knowing how to deal with other peoples emotions is a good excuse to be unkind. And if the shoe was on the other foot you would probably be nicer to him too! So I think you are not unreasonable to expect support and compassion if you are having a hard time!

Can I ask why you don’t unload all this onto your boss but you do your partner? I think it is pretty obvious @gutfall who talks to their boss about personal issues.
OP it would be lovely if you could find a way to help yourself.
Diet and exercise play a huge part in it your MH and well being your DH is probably overwhelmed but he isn't supportive it would be horrible living with someone analysing their mood, is there a support group he could join.
You both need a break to breath.

I don't think @gutful has been harsh. Sometimes we need a little constructive criticism in order to see what we are doing wrong and improve things. People saying there there, poor you, your husband is an arse, how is that going to help you? How will that give you the tools to improve your situation?

Living with someone who's always got something wrong with them is an emotional drain. Your husband sounds exasperated and maybe that's why he's grumpy. If I was sat watching tv or whatever trying to relax then heard 'I can't breathe' for the umpteenth time I don't think I could summon up much sympathy either.

This isn't for your husband to fix. You need to go back to your doctor. If the meds and therapy aren't working there are others to try. Keep trying until you get it right.

Gutful is not being horrible, s/he is being realistic and honest.

Has your CBT counsellor taught you breathing and relaxation exercises for your anxiety? If so, are you practicing them? If you can learn to actively manage your physical responses you can stop (or at least slow) the cycle.

If you have 10 minutes to spare watch this video;

@unmummsymummy21 he is against you taking medication.
Not to project my DM wasted her life with worry, anxiety, depression, panic attacks it paved to way to her end, she was a beautiful kind loving person with bad nerves she'd say.
DF is a narky grumpy volatile sod. If she had of left as a young woman she'd have enjoyed a better life without a blanket of anger.
I swore I'd never marry a grumpy man.

I have no idea why some people are being horrible to you on this post. I don’t think this is a complete ‘you’ problem. I agree with the previous poster that this sounds like his attitude might be making you feel worse, he should be supporting you and helping not trying to tear you down when you’re sad. The question is, how do you move forward? How do you tell him in a way that’s productive? I would try to walk through scenarios of telling him with your therapist possibly. You’re doing your best I can see that.

I'm not going to comment on your husband because it's very difficult to change someone else's behaviour, but there are definitely things you can be doing to make yourself feel better. It does sound like you are suffering from anxiety and panic disorder, I know exactly how unpleasant and overwhelming this can be, even with a fully supportive partner! Daily antidepressants will help, but also beta blockers or low dose tranquillisers can be life savers - very fast acting when you are in the grip of panic. When I am unwell, having a small stash of back-up medicine reduces the fear that I'll be overwhelmed by panic, which actually makes me less panicky overall. Psychoanalysis is great for getting to the root of your issues, but it is very past-focused. For immediate help with anxiety and panic CBT or ACT therapy will be more helpful. The book below is something I have found incredibly useful and I return to the strategies whenever I feel at risk of a relapse. The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/184529825X/ref=cmswwrcppapifabcc_WMF7C2T9GN60TYHAWY71

@gutful is being harsh absolutely. Who treats their husband like their boss? Did they not read that OP is in therapy and taking meds, and that her husband doesn’t even agree with medication? Or did they choose to ignore that to rip her apart.

@LifeExperience

The breathing may be panic attacks. CBT can be good for that, but you may need medication.

As for your husband, men tend by nature to be fixers of problems. You may just want a sympathetic ear, while he gets frustrated and exhausted because he can't help you. My husband and I worked out a code for that. If I'm talking about my feelings, upset, whatever and I just want someone to listen, I'll tell him that. He will just listen without driving himself crazy trying to come up with a way to fix whatever's wrong.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you know he can't fix your problems, and that you're working on them with professionals, but sometimes you need to vent and could he just listen. Make it clear you don't need or expect anything from him but a sympathetic ear.

This rings true. I tend to try and fix the problem (and tbh it does annoy me when partners want to tell me a problem but don’t want it fixed, but I get it) so be clear if you want help, a sounding board, or a sympathetic ear

And living with someone with depression has it’s challenges too. You’re both struggling

@gutful is not being horrible; she’s right.

I know it’s hard to hear, OP, but you can’t go around in a ‘woe is me’ bubble and not expect it to affect your husband.

Sometimes we need to hear the truth, however hard it may be, in order to improve.

[quote unmummsymummy21]@Stickytreacle this makes me feel so shit. So he ' manages to control his worries ' but I don't cos I'm such a weakling I guess. I know that's probably not what you mean, but it's how I read it. [/quote]
It isn't meant to make you feel shit, you are right, and interesting that you have chosen to interpret it as that even when you know it isn't meant to be.

I'm trying to point out that he has his own concerns to deal with already, I didn't call you a weakling, but the truth is that learning to deal with your anxieties is only down to you. When you point a finger at another person, there are three pointing directly back at you, so for your own wellbeing taking control yourself is the way forwards, nobody can do that for you, and it is no good taking a victim mentality if you feel unsupported. If you feel the relationship isn't right for you then change it, but your strength will come from you, not your partner.

@emilyfrost I don't go around in that bubble though. I've only ever told him the ' I can't breathe ' thing twice in the entire time we've known each other.

I'll take it on board though with a pinch of salt. I always do.

I've had the breathing problems from anxiety @unmummsymummy21. Like you, I didn't think I felt anxious and it seemingly came out of nowhere which was terrifying. You need to sort out the root cause of the anxiety which as you say is constantly there in your subconscious.

Please try not to be frightened by it, you will get it under control and learn how to calm yourself.

Do you have the calm app? It's also on YouTube and instagram and they have great breathing techniques and meditations which really help to calm your mind so you can get your breathing under control. You should do these every day.

I also find repetitive tasks are calming if I start feeling anxious. I love cooking and baking so I make bread etc. or even just folding laundry or ironing. Loud music and singing is excellent too to calm yourself. You'll be so busy singing that your breathing flows in and out naturally because you're not fixated on it.

I play piano and that helps me too. I also like trying on clothes or putting on makeup or doing my hair, whatever you enjoy doing. Excercise is excellent too, find something you love to do even just going for a walk is great.

Basically you need to get out of your head and trust that your body knows how to breathe.

You will overcome this

I will be honest and admit that living with someone with chronic MH issues can be draining but it's not as draining as being the person who is suffering. Even so, your husband sounds like a particularly cold fish. I'm wondering how much of your anxiety and depression are intrinsic and how much stems from being cooped up with someone who appears to care for you so little.

@EmberElftree thanks for the suggestions. It's so weird. I had it only a few times in my life and the last month has been the first times I've had it since meeting my husband many years ago. At first I thought it was my lungs and then I remembered that I had suffered before. It's very bad. Singing does help ! Thank you.

[quote Thehawki]@gutful is being harsh absolutely. Who treats their husband like their boss? Did they not read that OP is in therapy and taking meds, and that her husband doesn’t even agree with medication? Or did they choose to ignore that to rip her apart.[/quote]
200% @gutful and crew are victim-blamers and are derailing the thread. Not helpful.

I think personally it’s hard to live with someone with mental health problems. Your making your happiness depend on his actions. You need to help yourself. There is only so much someone can do.

@TripleSeptic thanks. I certainly would never respond to anyone like they have. BUT I will take it on board for sure. It's useful to have different points of view. Even if I don't like hearing them and if it hurt quite a lot at first. I have calmed down and can see it from all points of view. I'm just hurt at the suggestion I don't want to help myself, I really do. I had been coping quite well and then the weird breathing thing came out of the blue. In the last two 3 weeks I've mentioned this and cried twice to my husband. I'm not sure if that can be classed as being a huge burden on him.

When our daughter was born, I cried more. For a few weeks. But those were the last times. It's not constant and I really really really do try to help myself. I also only talk to him as a last resort to be honest.

@unmummsymummy21 yeah it's really horrible, the first time it happened to me I was on a plane just taking off and I love flying! I was like what is going ON????

I feel for you because I know how scary it is but you will get it under control. Do the breathing techniques and make time to meditate every day. I thought meditation was a load of crap but it has really helped me. Distract yourself if you feel it coming on. Humming is good too if you're somewhere you can't belt out a tune!

Hi, sounds like you’re both finding it difficult.
I hope you don’t think what I write is horrible as just want want to offer more constructive support.

It sounds like your husband might have empathy fatigue, I start to get this when I’ve not had annual leave for a while and is a sure sign I need a break (I’m a therapist). I wonder if your husband has a form of this at the mo, the difference is I can take time out but he can’t, especially with lockdown where he has less escape to relax or outlet for his stress (even if not high even stress). It’s difficult as understandably not your fault you’re distressed but on the other hand it can be stressful supporting someone with their mental health.

Although CBT is change driven and sessions should follow an agenda etc your therapist shouldn’t seen cold. It can and should be a safe supportive space. There is a difference between being in therapy and doing therapy though. With CBT there should be “between session tasks” set each week for you to work on and I ask clients to practice them daily not just when feeling anxious so they can build their confidence in using the coping tools and will then be easier to use when in the moment.

(Are your sessions 30 minutes or 50mins? Just wondering if you’re having Guided Self Help (GSH) rather than pure CBT. I often hear people say they only have 30 min CBT sessions but in the NHS that’s actually GSH even if the therapist called it CBT).

Also you mentioned facing the anxiety being more situational anxiety, I’d disagree. It sounds like you’re getting panic attacks or limited symptom attacks and the way to work with that (even though it feels awful and scary) is to face it -don’t sit down, don’t drink water, don’t reassurance seek (safety behaviours) etc. You need to “reset” so your body learns it’s not under threat when feeling that way. Panic attacks are scary and unpleasant but not dangerous so you need to show your body that by continuing as best as possible (easier said than done I know). I usually advise against breathing exercising unless you’re hyperventilating in which case breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 4 (out breath should be longer).

Bit of an essay there but I guess the same way you’d like more empathy from your husband, you might have to empathise that he can’t for now. (If you’re with your local IAPT service, many offer Behavioural Couples Therapy which is aimed at support where one person in the relation is experiencing depression or anxiety and it’s impacting the relationship or the relationship is impacting the mood/anxiety, might be useful).

Op am sort I did not see your husband is against you taking medication.

That changes this whole thread.

You’re suffering & he is against “Big Pharma” ?

If you are feeling crippled by anxiety then daily medication is a blessing.

What are his possible reasons for being against you treating your mental health ?

Had I known he was actively preventing you from taking medication & that this wasn’t you pushing back on taking meds my early response would have been different.