Husband seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

Accidentally posted on another board but don't know how to remove..

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down

This is a tough one- if you need support then you need support. It seems your husband might be used to you being the cheerful one and not like the shift in the relationship. As an aside there are some amazing breathing exercises on YouTube that will help with this. WRT your husband when you are calm have a discussion and ask him to support you through this difficult time as you have supported him. It might be worth a trip to the GPas well

Have you tried medication? I agree that your husband sounds pretty unsympathetic however it is really tough living with someone with long term mental health issues. You care but you can’t really help and there is that little sinking feeling when they say “I’m having a really bad day today” when you know you are up to listen and feel helpless again. My ex husband had 10 years of depression and anxiety that gradually worsened. I started off all hearts and sparkles but to be honest I’m the end I just got utterly sick of being his go to for his unreasonable worries and his misery. Everything we did had to be considered against his mental health needs.

You need to talk to your husband and maybe your gp and try and get more support that isn’t him. Maybe also telling him when you are having a good day and not just when you are having BBC a bad one?

It sounds like he doesn’t know how to support you and he finds it difficult to live with you when you’re not happy or chatty. It’s not necessarily all his fault but he should be more patient. Try talking to him when you’re feeling better about it all and how he can best react so you’re dealing with things together

I am sorry you are going through this, I have physical chronic ill health and I know how wearying that is.
People in general are used to the get sick, see the doctor/nurse yourself, recover model.
The get sick, get a bit better while worrying about getting sick again, then get sick again is hard going on you and others often don't really know how to handle it.
I can't make a judgement on your DH from a few paragraphs, but there are two angles to look at this from.

1. He loves you a lot, doesn't know how to make you better which worries him and comes out as anger. Like a pp said he may also be resentful that your "sunny" persona is kept for outside the home and he gets all the sad bits.
2. He himself is naturally moody and grumpy and he resents the focus being moved from how he is feeling to how you are feeling. Would he do couples counseling? Or maybe you could do some counseling to talk about the issues in your relationship separately to your counseling for the anxiety? In my youth I lived with someone for only 6 months who found me very annoying and wasn't afraid to tell me. I am naturally chatty and outgoing and they were an introvert. Instead of recognising we were just different people with different needs and pulling away to take space for themselves they turned all their frustration at not getting enough alone time on me. Sneering about how much I talked and acting as if my company was something to be borne, not enjoyed. This wasn't a romantic relationship but it took years for me to recover my confidence, I became much less outgoing and questioned if people really wanted to spend time with me. I lost friendships because I waited for people to contact me, afraid that they didn't really want me to contact them. So it is possible that if your DH is constantly dripping negativity at you it's going to be impacting your mental health. Take care, I know chronic illness is exhausting.

When I was a new mum, I Googled "have I got PND or is my husband a wanker" because that was my turning point.

I don't remember if I found any answers, but I answered my own question. It wasn't one or the other, it was both.

You have anxiety and depression maybe, and your husband isn't helpful or supportive.

I had to speak to him clearly, it was the end of a fight, where I told him I can't be the boss of everything. I can't be responsible for improving myself, pretty much sole carer for the child, working full time, the only one who cleans the house, the only one who makes sure the right money is sitting for the direct debits, the one who knows if there's milk in the fridge and nappies in the cupboard, the one who does the big shop. I can't be responsible for everything in the house and improve myself at the same time. I am his wife, his partner, not his employee or his mum. He needs to come to the party. Then I had to give him specific things that I was no longer responsible for and take some time for myself. It was a mammoth undertaking when I didn't feel strong, but I just broke. It was either fight or flight.

He started supporting me, and maybe once a year since, when he started slipping back, we've had a fight and I've reminded him he needs to come back to the party. I think this sounds like I infantalised him, but it was the only thing that was going to save our marriage. He thought I was being a dick, depressed, anxious, and I thought he was being a dick, not respecting me and listening to me. We were heading different directions and resenting each other when we were supposed to be a team. We wanted to get married, have a baby, and we made those decisions together. He also has MH issues, but he withdraws, so I picked up the slack. No more. I'm not responsible for his depression, he's not responsible for my anxiety, but one person can't carry the whole family. There should always be a safe word, a line of communication, an escape, for both of you. If you are going to stay together, accept that life is shit sometimes but remember why you got together in the first place. You can get back there if you don't completely alienate each other now.

This is just my experience. Maybe I'm projecting too much. I just think if someone doesn't know, they can't make things better. If he's not listening, you're on a road to nowhere. It's likely he feels like he's not being heard too. It's bloody hard being a new parent. Then throw a pandemic on top. Are we never going to catch a break?

I'm going to take a bit of a different angle on this and say if you've had years and years of psychotherapy / talking therapies and nothing has really improved, well is it really working for you?

To me it sounds like your new CBT person might be picking up on something your husband is feeling- you say they seem quite cold, talking over you rather than letting you talk....maybe they're picking up that the endless talking isn't achieving anything - what if is simply miring yourself in the problems and perpetuating the difficulties? Endless talking therapies are not always helpful to my mind - you can end up just rehearsing the issues so that they are always fresh in your mind to be lived, day after day.

Anxiety, unhappiness, issues...can become a way of life if you let them...they can become a comfort zone you don't know how to get out of, and you don't really want to get out of.

Try something different - listen to your new CBT therapist and actively apply what they are saying, practically. Use it as a set of instructions to change your life rather than an occasion to indulge talking about problems. I mean you do need to identify the issues, but then focus on the steps you need to take to move on from them.

Sorry if I'm out of line here, but I see people trapped, mired in a way of life of issues when changes are possible...but not through doing the same thing over and over for years when it hasn't worked to that point.

@TripleSeptic I could have written your post myself. Yes we have very very similar issues. I'm responsible for everything and I work and it's too much. He's trying harder after I've had a lot of chats with him. But the fundamental thing that he deep down believes he's ' helping ' when he does something in the house or takes our daughter, really gets to me. The fact he gets passive aggressive when things are not tidy and he's grumpy when he looks after our daughter, really gets to me. We are working on all those things.

But sometimes I just don't know whether I'm reasonable or right or whether I'm just expecting too much from him and I just can't help being a mum and working full time ? I just can't make that distinction if it's me or if it's him or if it's just life. I also don't know what being a mum would have been like in normal times, so I wonder how I would have coped. So many questions !

@suggestionsplease1 no I really do understand what you mean. When I say I've been in therapy for years, it's normally not long term and never ending though. I just thought I should make that clear. I seek therapy when I'm really really struggling only and it's situational. For example I was set up and date raped by an ex, so I thought it prudent to seek therapy for that. I was diagnosed with a serious degenerative health condition, so I seemed therapy to deal with that. Before becoming a mum and going through the pandemic etc, I wasn't in therapy and was managing OK. It's only the situation that brought me back to it. It seems to help me through a bit when I'm struggling a lot.

Sorry you feel this way op. I have had depression and low periods on an off throughout my life and marriage due to my childhood. I get how you feel. I also understand how your dh feels. My dh is extremely supportive and helps me get through anything, I don't have to feel the need or pressure to put on a happy face if I can't. BUT in saying that I am very mindful of him being on the receiving end of this and how it affects our home and dc. I think you need to discuss his comments with your counsellor. He says you are always not happy,.that is very telling of what you are not seeing maybe? it's very hard as the partner of someone who suffers with mh. They have to take on the weight of everything and it gets weary over time. My ds was 3 and he told me my face isn't happy alot of the time. Your family bears the burden of this. Is your dh maybe frustrated that it might affect your dd.
Would your dh be open to have some counseling with you as well. You need to find a way forward, and keeping quiet to not upset anyone isn't going to be good in the long run.

I feel like a huge burden. Even more so now. I'll talk to him about it.

Your DH sounds awful, frankly. If you imagine life without him, how does it compare?

@MoiraNotRuby yeah I've been playing with the idea. I would love to be free without the expectation of dinner on the table every night. It's really tiring to always have to think of everything we need and to hear him moaning about stuff I've forgotten to buy etc or when I haven't cooked etc. It's exhausting. The only thing stopping me is that I know he's trying and has improved. But the issue isn't resolved. I guess I give it time to see if it improves. But it definitely gets me down a lot. And when I complain ' I'm a nightmare and always unhappy ' etc. So it all gets put into one bucket of stuff. Like I'm just a problem person who won't step in line.

Are you taking any anti depressants? They could help. I have suffered panic attacks. They aren't nice. Breathing deeply in and out and stretching helps me. I also take 10mg Paroxetine.

[quote unmummsymummy21]@TripleSeptic I could have written your post myself. Yes we have very very similar issues. I'm responsible for everything and I work and it's too much. He's trying harder after I've had a lot of chats with him. But the fundamental thing that he deep down believes he's ' helping ' when he does something in the house or takes our daughter, really gets to me. The fact he gets passive aggressive when things are not tidy and he's grumpy when he looks after our daughter, really gets to me. We are working on all those things.

But sometimes I just don't know whether I'm reasonable or right or whether I'm just expecting too much from him and I just can't help being a mum and working full time ? I just can't make that distinction if it's me or if it's him or if it's just life. I also don't know what being a mum would have been like in normal times, so I wonder how I would have coped. So many questions ! [/quote]
"helping" grinds my gears. He's not helping, he's parenting, husbanding, adulting. The difference between a mum and a dad in my experience, is that a dad can opt out, a mum can't.

I have to admit, I've been passive aggressive back, until I caught myself on, but it was like speaking his language, and he didn't like it. "Oh, I'm sorry there's no cereal, I don't eat it. You do. Did you think of asking me to get cereal, or... And bear with me, actually GETTING cereal? I've spent all day keeping your child alive after doing 10 hours in work every day this week. You stopped for fuel on the way home, but it's my job to get you cereal. Cool, I'll add that to my list of priorities. Do you know how disrespectful it is to know you're thinking "ah, Triple will do it, I can just grump about like a child" go and get cereal while I do EVERYTHING else".

If the pandemic disappeared tomorrow you'd still have these issues, because you're carrying him. With regards to grumping around your daughter, she's not to young to notice he's a dick. He wants to set a good example of what a man looks like. Would he like her to marry a man like him? Would he be happy if her husband was the same? Ask him to show her now what a husband and a daddy should look like. Fake it 'til he makes it. We all have to grin and get through it sometimes. We all have problems, but there's still shit to do.

I had a friend with anxiety who also found CBT difficult and unhelpful but that's because it can be very challenging. It takes hard work to change your mindset and is sure to be difficult.

I think you should see your husband as just that.....he is not your therapist and it is unsurprising that he has eventually despaired of listening as he doesn't know how to make you feel better.

You say he doesn't pull his weight at home especially now you have a baby and that you feel over-burdened. Could you agree on a list of responsibilities around the home he would take care of? Agree together and write them down?

Ask for a helping hand with something or ask for a hug sometimes but try not to tell him that you are having a bad day unless there is something specific he can do to help.

Your dh will have exactly the same worries as you, but manages to control them. He can't control or really help with your worries as that is down to you. I can understand him feeling overwhelmed with dealing with someone with depression and anxiety in the middle of a pandemic.

I think the way forwards is not to expect him to always be listening and understanding, he's only human and is probably feeling helpless and dragged down by the situation.

Voice your concerns and work with professionals, but I'd be prepared to gain the strength to walk your path independently on an emotional level, it will probably transform your relationship.

@Stickytreacle this makes me feel so shit. So he ' manages to control his worries ' but I don't cos I'm such a weakling I guess. I know that's probably not what you mean, but it's how I read it.

Look I have bipolar so please don’t think am coming from a place or not understanding mental illness

The way I see it you are this self proclaimed “ray of sunshine” outside the home.

You come home & unload onto your Husband. Why will talking to him tonight about your anxieties & struggles for breath help? He hasn’t been able to help before.

He feels frustrated & powerless

Because if you are having PND, anxiety so bad you can’t breathe & various other symptoms / behaviours you need to seek medical treatment & take your medication as prescribed.

What you describe is beyond a few chamomile teas & as needed medication. You need help to cope.

Using your husband like a therapist & offloading all your anxiety onto him Is incredibly unfair. He can’t be expected to solve or ease your mental health problems. Only you can do this

He is throwing his hands up in the air because he is at a loss with you & I really feel bad for anyone in this position - stuck in a relationship with someone who won’t help themselves by getting medical treatment yet is apparently “crippled” by a complaint?

Things that are so “severe” and “crippling” get treated.

People who are manipulating a partner or hypochondriacs cry about crippling problems like anxiety and depression but when you ask them why they aren’t on anti depressants or anxiety meds they have some story as to why they can’t/won’t medicate this supposedly severe, debilitating mental illness condition

Take your meds & mend your marriage! Or he will leave. I know, have had a good one give you on me before I sought help & took the tablets.

@gutful I think your post is really harsh. I have repeatedly stated that I'm actually in counselling and I have meds too. I am not even able to be a ' ray of sunshine ' out of the home anyway as I'm stuck indoors because of the current situation.

I barely even complain to my husband anyway.

You need to check yourself, if you think it's acceptable to reply to someone struggling in this way.

Can I ask why you don’t unload all this onto your boss but you do your partner?

This mindset is basically giving more respect everyone except your partner, who bears the full brunt of your every thought in your head.

Not cool! This will bring toxicity into the relationship

I advise practicing making the marriage and anxiety talk free zone. He is burnt out, I too would roll my eyes at someone repeatedly saying they struggled to breathe yet wasn’t at the doctor’s asap sorting this all out

After awhile this behaviour does start to look pathetic & dramatic.

You have meds but not taking them?

Where is your daily prescription?

Counsellors do not prescribe medication

You need a psychiatrist

@gutful you're horrible.

My mentioning of you being a “ray of sunshine” out of the home is that you highlighted this as a feature of your personality

This means you have the capability to hold your thoughts & control certain behaviours in situations.

Why does it all fall apart at home?

Your partner is getting the worst side of you but you want the best out of him right?

I actually don’t think telling him that you’re unhappy with him saying those things (‘you’re always unhappy’) is aggressive. I don’t see why he can’t hold your hand or give you a little hug when you’re upset? I think it might be wise to say all of the things about him to your therapist and ask for advice on moving forward. There’s clearly a difference in attitude between you both, and I think your husband isn’t very good at communicating he cares.

I still think that you need to get a moment where you’re feeling good to tell him that it would make it easier for you if he held your hand or gave you a hug when you’re upset (whatever works for you) . Explain to him that saying things like ‘ you’re always upset’ makes you feel worse and like you’re a burden, you can’t help feeling this way in the moment so can he stop and do something else instead?

Try not to blame him in the moment, it will be quite hard especially if he thinks he’s being criticised and pushes back. Just try to listen for a while and see what he comes out with, I find if I stay quiet for longer than feels normal people get their true feelings out eventually and not just their reaction.

I think this thread has divided people as it's difficult to know what's the cause and what's the effect. If you are a ray of sunshine outside the home and always miserable at home then maybe he struggles with that. If you are still generally cheerful but just want to talk day to day things though with your partner as most people do then that's shit he doesnt support you. It's hard to know if he has reached the limits of his empathy (if he would have been supportive in the past but has just run out of oomph), if he has no empathy (just doesnt know what to say and would be like that with any friend who was struggling) or if he doesnt give a shit about you (if a friend was struggling he would make much more effort). And it's hard to know whether him being grumpy is as a result of feeling like he has to constantly be the strong one and support you, or if he is just a grumpy bastard and this is contributing to your anxiety. Was he always like this?
And why are you responsible for keeping the house clean and doing all the shopping and cooking when you work? Do you work full time? How are other household tasks and child care split? If he is leaving everything to you even though you work full time then thats very unsupportive