Husband seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

Accidentally posted on another board but don't know how to remove..

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down

Sorry meant to say

Op am sorry

@gutful that's OK. It's a belief thing about big Pharma and he doesn't want me to be a zombie. He thinks I'll be a zombie and he's stopped me from taking it a lot of times, but I finally just did - without telling him to be honest. I did tell him last night I took beta blockers and he was freaking out about it this morning and wanted to know what it's called etc. I don't think it comes from a bad place though, he just doesn't understand how much I suffer to be honest. He thinks it's normal and it's just the way I am if that makes sense ? That's what he says too. I tell him sometimes that I think I suffer and it's not normal and he tells me it's normal and I'm dramatic. Again I don't think he does it because he is malicious. I honestly don't think he gets it at all.

If that's the case unmumsy then you need to be firm, it is your health not his, and if he wants you well then he has to accept that you will be taking your meds. If he doesn't like it then tough, it isnt his choice.

Some of the posts on here are harsh.
Not everyone wants to take antidepressants. I’m desperately trying to come off mine as they made me numb and had a host of nasty side effects. Even the GP said he wished people wouldn’t take them! I was desperate and they were handed out like sweets. I now see them in a different light
Obviously you can’t offload problems to your boss, that’s going to affect your professional integrity, whoever mentioned that made a ridiculous comment! A partnership should be a safe place where you can talk about your feelings. If op had a long term physical illness the expectation would be that her husband would support her. That’s why We have vows like ‘for better for worse, in sickness and in health’. Yes, she should support herself and it sounds like she’s trying with cbt, panic medications etc but, of course, when you have depression or anxiety you need to feel safe to talk about your feelings with those close to you and not feel alone.
Op - my dh would want to fix me and that’s where his frustration came from. A pp made a good suggestion of what he needs to say/do. I tell dh to give me a cuddle and just listen - don’t get mad, don’t try to fix things with lots of suggestions etc as I’m not rational in those moments.
In your happier moments- lay out how he can practically help. My dh takes our dc out on Saturday so I can have a lie in and a bit of metime etc
You sound exhausted with being a mum, full time work etc I really understand when you have mh issues and insomnia and the demands of life it can become overwhelming. You need to change something, even temporarily. Can you take some sick leave for a couple of weeks to breathe, reduce hours , compress hours ( you work 4 days but do 5 days work in that time) Get a cleaner in once a week etc etc anything to take the pressure off for a while ?
Thinking about your partners grumpiness - is it sex related too ? I know for me that drops off a cliff when mh issues start. I try and do other things for dh or at least let him know the drought will end
Panic attacks - I had these for ages previously. I found doing something active when they started really helped - I remember once taking down a load of Xmas decorations at 2am! It took me out of it because I focused my mind away from my breathing to something else. Do housework or find something creative to do when it starts.
It sounds like you’re not always depressed but it’s based on reactions to events and gets ‘triggered’. I found hypnosis helped me go back to events in my childhood that triggered my fears in adulthood. I found it helped dampen some of my reactions, although it’s not completely resolved them.
You are not alone. Talk to friends and family if you can. There’s mental health section on mumsnet too where you can talk to others who suffer xxx

Dealing with someone else’s mental health issues can be really REALLY hard, and I say that’s as a person who has had MH problems and as a close relative of someone with MH problems.
Your husband isn’t a professional and not knowing how to help makes you feel helpless and angry and sometimes resentful. It can lead to MH issues of your own even. I’m not saying it’s because you are a bad unbearable person, you aren’t. I’m just saying it could be he needs some support for himself.

Yeah it's interesting as this thread has made me realise that he doesn't think I have a problem. He thinks it's just that I'm a dramatic unhappy person at times. Which is pretty sad.

Fuck me what kind of world are we living in where us women have to pander to men even when ill. "Try and arrange your illness so carefully that it doesn't bother him, and remember if you don't have sex its normal for him to be grumpy." We all deserve more than this.

@MoiraNotRuby there are two people here. I have mh issues - I do try and consider my dh. Yes, sex is important! It’s what stops you being mates. I can go three months not wanting it. I need to remember that that might have an impact on dh. It’s not trying to be a downtrodden wife , it’s being a caring and considerate partner ...

I know I'll be shot down for saying this but always having to be someone's support network is exhausting and your partner has problably got 'compassion fatigue'. I'm sorry you are suffering

@unmummsymummy21 I think when you don’t have mh issues yourself then it’s hard to understand someone with it. They see it as a choice and you need to snap out of it, cheer up, stop worrying Etc. My dh has been watching a lot of documentaries about mh , what physically happens in the brain, he’s become a lot more empathetic but it’s taken time and arguments. It is tough for the other person definitely but that’s what love is about. As long as you are doing everything in your power to get better, he needs to work hard too to support you getting better

Him being suspicious of Big Pharma & dismissing your anxiety is really harmful

It’s not up to him how you & your doctor decide to treat your condition

While it’s all well & good for a partner to want to understand medications by googling them & being involved in your care - in no way should they DECIDE your care when you have full capacity to decide this for yourself.

Medication like this was invented for people in your situation.

Yes it is undoubtedly over prescribed

But that’s not what this is about & you are in need of assistance here.

Medication should not make you a zombie - it should lift the veil on the fear / fog and be like sunlight back into your life, feeling free again.

His attitude is so counterproductive to helping you.

It’s over prescribed when people come in with mild, every day complaints

It is normal to experience feelings of sadness when your boyfriend breaks up with you & you’ve been feeling out of sorts for a few weeks - but people can & do go to the doctor & get prescribed antidepressants for what are often normal life feelings one must experience as part of life. They prescribe away the problem & write it off as depression or anxiety when it’s a normal reaction to a life circumstance.

It’s not normal to live as you describe & be prevented from taking your medication by someone who doesn’t understand or respect the severity of your condition could benefit from these drugs

They can’t believe it will help you because that will prove their conspiracy theories wrong

If he believes this - what other conspiracy theories does he follow OP?

@gutful have you taken these medications before?
I agree that what you take isn’t up to him. You do what you think is right for you. I’ve not taken beta blockers so can’t comment. I also think you are just taking them when panicky so not a daily thing?
I would just warn about the stronger anti depressant stuff , I felt less anxious in the day but had awful night terrors and hardly slept. These are listed in common side effects. There was a huge list actually!
Just do lots of research before you start on anything heavy duty because I wish I had. When you’re desperate and talk to GPs medication is the thing they actively suggest you take.
Some people find them wonderful but a lot of people end up feeling worse then before

I agree with @CoalCraft. He gets frustrated because he's worried that he can't offer a solution and make things right. You just need a hug and someone to listen. Have to tried telling him that?

Your husband does seem quite unsympathetic, but maybe he genuinely doesn’t know how to help you?
If someone said to me ‘I can’t breathe’ I would think ‘shit, I need to call an ambulance’ thinking it would be life threatening ie an asthma attack. I wouldn’t know how to deal with a panic attack apart from suggesting maybe deep breaths? Would that be unhelpful? Maybe your husband feels a bit bewildered in how he can actually help you?

It is hard to believe you are going through this and haven't been taking proper medication, yes they are oversubscribed at times, you clearly have a debilitating anxiety issue. I couldn't function without steralyn they make my world much brighter.
I was a shell 3 years ago suffered severe anxiety failure syndrome, they've changed my life.
Your DH needs to educate himself if he doesn't understand it, he is ignorant.

Op i would like to say that I would consider myself a caring decent person. However I couldn't cope with someone who constantly has depression/ anxiety/ issues. I don't mean that in a horrible way i just mean that my patience would wear pretty thin pretty quickly. Maybe your husband just doesn't have the ability to cope with it? Would you not be better off seeing a therapist or councilling to help with these issues? Impartial, professional advice without all the added stress.

Ahh i see that you have already had therapy, maybe try a different type or a different therapist. Good luck op.

He sounds horrible. You are criticised when you are down then criticised some more for taking medication that might help you feel better. Makes no sense. Maybe you would feel better without him being grumpy, moody all the time. Maybe he is the problem, he is dragging you down and making your anxiety worse?

OP so sorry you’re going through this and for some of the horrible replies you’ve had on this thread - completely unnecessary and cruel.

On the breathing - I have this too, they’re basically mini panic attacks. I’ve had them on and off for 20 years and now I know that they’re not actually harmful and there’s nothing physically wrong, I just wait them out. It’s unpleasant and sometimes a bit painful around the heart but they go away eventually. I find nightly yoga and daily 5 minute mediation in the afternoon really helpful more generally too.

Re your husband, I disagree with the majority of posters and think he’s actually just not a very nice man or supportive husband. As a wife it’s not your job to always be on good form. You’re supposed to be able to be honest with each other and help one another out. Both DH and I tell each other if we’re feeling down, stressed or angry (usually to do with work but sometimes to do with chore allocation) and the other one listens and then either discusses it or just offers comfort, whichever is needed.

I think your husband is making your anxiety worse, both my overburdening you with housework and childcare and then by being unsympathetic. He’s supposed to love you and look after you, not dismiss you and feel crap about yourself. Maybe it’s time to have a proper think about whether he makes you happy and have a serious discussion about how he needs to change for the marriage to survive.

@Lovelivesmile yes have bipolar so been on several different medications before finding ones that suit

@gutful I didn’t realise the severity of side effects. I know not everyone gets them or there’s a settling in period but I was still getting them two months in. Just wanted op to be aware that medication is not always the panacea

You said you had so many questions about how things might be different in other circumstances and whether your reactions are normal.

From what you’ve written you seem completely savvy and responsible about your MH. You have recognised when you’ve needed support in the past and reacted sensibly to events by seeking that support. You’re doing that now. You’ve visited a professional, accurately described your symptoms, been prescribed appropriate medication and taken it when necessary.

You’ve achieved all this with a partner who is (in not so many ways) telling you there is nothing wrong, that you should snap out of it and that you shouldn’t take your meds, whilst also offering little to no support in your everyday lives. When you finally break and have a physical reaction his response is more negativity. (Like a pp I find that astonishing btw. Did he think you were faking it or did he simply not care that you couldn’t breathe because no amount of empathy fatigue should lead to that reaction.)

You say he has always been moody and grumpy so even if you were magically “cured” what’s to say his mood would improve?

I think of it as being in a boat with a hole in the bottom that is slowly sinking but with smaller leaks that keep happening. It may be that there is something deeper that you need to get to the bottom of and that the therapies you’ve had in the past have patched the small leaks but you need to deal with whatever it is that’s underneath it all.

I’m not offering a ltb, but I wonder how much easier it would be to bail out your sinking boat without a fellow passenger constantly adding rocks?

The more I “cope” with anxiety the more physical symptoms I get. Bottling it up is why you are starting to have panic attacks. You feel trapped and overwhelmed but have no outlet or release. Your DH is not taking on any mental burden, as in life admin/wife work. You do everything and it’s no wonder you are breaking under the pressure.

Your physical symptoms are telling you this can’t go on. Your husband is part of if because he’s not helping you run the household as a team. His grumpiness will have a huge impact too. You can’t fix him with therapy and meds.

He has to step up so you can find space. Start exercising or a creative hobby. Go meet a friend for a walk, without kids. Doing things actively to improve your mental wellbeing is key. Before kids you didn’t need him to step up for you to have this time, nor face his grumpiness when he does. No doubt the pandemic is an issue but this won’t resolve when it’s back to normal unless you have a lot of other support/babysitting.

Would your husband consider relationship counselling?

I say this with a DH is grinding me down in negativity and who doesn’t do the mental work, but is physical helpful to a point.

I had side effects for 6 weeks, headaches, constipation, eating everything, night disturbance after 6 weeks feeling more energetic I went for a walk daily, done little things for myself and eventually it balanced out.