Husband seems so fed up when I'm upset

[unmummsymummy21]

Accidentally posted on another board but don't know how to remove..

I have always suffered on an off from mental health issues. I usually see therapists etc and try to stay proactive about it.

Needles to say, the last year has been very difficult for everyone. I had a baby just before things kicked off and I also suffer from terrible anxiety.

Covid threw me for a loop and I've literally been afraid for everyone I know and for my own life- as well as of course my baby's life. I had my DD just before the first lockdown and was pretty down after birth. Baby blues or perhaps PND, I don't know. My husband did not understand. I feel like he never does. He says I'm always 'like this' and that there's always ' something ' and I'm never happy. He even said when I was crying after having had the baby that I should just accept I was a mother now and my only alternative would be to leave and I wasn't going to do that.

I guess when I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with feelings of having lost my old life and freedom and I felt really trapped in my life and it felt like a life I didn't really want. I didn't expect those feelings and was really shocked. Those feelings have died down. I am still me and I don't need to feel trapped in this life and I love my DD so much.

My concern is my husband or maybe it really is me. I'm a really happy person generally outwardly. I am never grumpy ( he is all the time ) and if you asked anyone that knows me at work etc, they would describe me as a ray of sunshine ( my boss told me this, not bragging, just trying to paint a picture ). I'm also very sociable and make friends and connections easily. I'm basically trying to say- I don't think I'm unbearable to be around- even at home with my husband. But I do feel down and anxious at times and I would sometimes like to talk to him about it.

But I just feel like he can't be bothered and like it's just another thing on his plate and like I'm a huge nuisance.

Recently my problems have become physical, in the sense that I'll be fine and then I can't breathe due to my anxiety. I feel like I can't catch a breath. This happened for a few days a few weeks ago and I became quite a state because of it. It's really really horrible. It started happening again tonight and I thought maybe it will help if I talk to him. I told him I couldn't breathe again and he ignored me for a few minutes ( not the first time ). I then said, I'm having problems with my breathing again. He threw up both his arms and kind of shrugged and sighed and said ' what now '. He listened and I actually told him I feel like he can't be bothered and I just annoy him. He said he just doesn't know how to help.

It's not the first time. I don't even really bother saying much anymore, but basically the people I can actually confide in are getting fewer and fewer now. My mum just always tells me that I need to be stronger... and then bigs herself up for how she never felt like I do and she had it much worse. I used to talk to her, but she's just said stuff like this too many times how, that I actually try not to. My husband seems to just be fed up and also has his own issues, like we all do as we are all struggling. I speak to a counsellor once a week, which is something at least. But she's CBT and often speaks over me and it's quite matter of fact, rather than just you being able to talk. ( I had psychotherapy for a few years and I think I got used to that style, so CBT seems quite factual / cold now ).

Anyway, I know no one can answer this really - but is it me ? Am I that unbearably unhappy that my husband just can't listen to me anymore ? Am I one of those depressed people who drag everyone down

I’m also a big believer in modern life being particularly shit for mental health. Especially for parents. Humans evolved to parent in groups. We are all individuals, more selfish now and have to do everything for ourselves, and our partners are often our main support which is a huge pressure on them. The pandemic has amplified this for many. Although we rarely had support so are used to it. I know my parents had more support than we’ve had so it’s worse parenting now in this respect. The internet is not a good substitute.

Yeah I have thought about jumping ship many times. This morning we discussed things constructively. He really wants another baby and I told him absolutely not under these circumstances. I explained everything again. How it's a shared load and we need to each do our bit. I explained how I do so many things he doesn't see and I also offered to do some of the things he usually takes care of and said we can swap and it's not fair of me to take it for granted that he just does certain things. He does more admin stuff, for which I'm very grateful. He seemed to listen intently today and said he'll do his own laundry from now on, as it's really a lot of stuff and he has no idea. I think I got though to him today. Hope it lasts !

We didn't discuss the my anxiety as to be honest, it's put me off how much of a nightmare I may be for him from all the posts saying I must be extremely hard to deal with. I really have always tried to do the right thing about my mental health, because I hate feeling rubbish. The fact it's started to get physical is really bad and it's literally screaming me in the face that I need to do even more. I may discuss with him another day. But he doesn't think there's anything wrong at all and I'm just normal to him, dealing with the ups and downs of life. A bit emotional, but normal. I think because I always do seem to cope, that's how he feels. Like I always manage somehow. I have a few downs and show it to him sometimes, but I always get back up kind of thing.

I'm going to get back in touch with the GP on Monday to see if there's anything else to try or a switch in meds about this breathing thing.

You do everything and it’s no wonder you are breaking under the pressure.

She's got a nanny so she doesn't do everything with no help.

@ShastaBeast this is so true ! Children used to be raised by everyone, not just two people. It's also not good for our children. When we are down and stressed out, we can't give them everything- so they grow up with a void in them. Whereas back when we used to all live in big communities, an adult was always available to a child to give them what they needed. There's a really good doctor I follow who talks all about this. Gabor Mate'.

@WannabemoreWeaver

A bit confused by your post, since CBT is a type of psychotherapy. Do you mean you had counselling before? The therapist should not be talking over you but do you think there is a possibility you are going over and over the same stuff and the therapist is trying to intervene in that? Just talking about how bad we feel is helpful for a while, but sooner or later, you need to do something about it. CBT is very practical and focused on making changes - whereas counselling is providing a safe space for you to speak about whatever you want. Is it possible your husband is burned out because it doesn't seem you are making any changes or trying to help yourself? Or looking outside yourself for the answers (like medication?). Ultimately the only way to resolve anxiety is to face it, which is what CBT should help you do. If the therapist is really unsympathetic you could ask for a different one, but it is also possible that you are stuck in a rut and the therapist is trying to challenge that. And that your husband has gotten to the point where he doesnt know what to do.

Are you a mental health professional? As you're talking with a lot of certainty. There's a lot of projection in you post too. And a bit of passive aggression. The faux I'm confused shiz when a poster calls something a slightly incorrect term isn't a good look.

Cbt is used because its cheap and fairly low paid people can deliver it. It's certainly not the answer to all anxiety. In my personal experience Cbt has been completely ineffective for anxiety. What did work better was counselling.

OP tbh I'd probably struggle living with someone as dismissive as your husband. I'm nit buying the burn out pp's are talking about. He doesn't sound like he's ever had much sympathy.

@kereh yes I have a nanny because I work full time.

You sound like a lovely person, op. Are you with the wrong man? Do you think he can change? You seem to be shouldering a lot of the work at home.

Do you seek reassurance from him every time you get anxious?

I’ve suffered with depression, anxiety and panic attacks since I was a child, when I get very low I am incredibly difficult to live with because I try to offload everything onto my husband and we got to a point where I felt he was cold and uninterested but he was exhausted and fed up because we were going in circles.

Nothing he said would or could make a difference, if he did reassure me it was like having a 5 minute high, I was taking energy from him to tell me it’s ok to make myself feel better to then go on and have a complete meltdown again the next day, rinse and repeat this several times and the partner just can’t keep going, it’s too draining.

I did a cbt course, it didn’t cure me by any means but I definitely try not to seek reassurance, there are ways to air your worries without offloading them onto someone else. It’s all down to how you word the conversation and it’s also important to try and think about what you are worried about and break it down in your head logically before trying to seek reassurance.

This is a difficult thing to do when you are in a panic but it’s highly important to take some very deep breathe, I suffer from palpitations and have the same breathing issues you describe, I tend to look in a mirror in the bathroom, breath slowly and deeply until I calm down, then I try to break down what I’m worried about.

One method my therapist used was “Is there a tiger in the room” essentially the tiger is the problem. It the problem something you need to deal with here and now (like a broken tap) or is it something you have no control over? (Like catching Covid) do we walk around in fear or tigers that live in India coming to attack us or do we not think about them?

It’s about recognising what problems are real and important and what problems aren’t, problems that we are giving validation to and making worse by constantly worrying about them when they may never, ever actually happen.

I think you need to seek a different method of therapy, one that would suit you more as talking about it isn’t helping you, there’s several different types but you need to discuss this with you gp.

I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time but we can often be blinded to how that affects our loved ones.

@IsThePopeCatholic thank you. I'm trying to give him some time. He's trying and so am I. He's getting more helpful. It has been improving. I think we have different styles for sure. He's moody and his moods really affect me. I'm sure my anxiety also affects him, because he feels helpless, like many have said. No one is perfect.

@EmpressSuiko no I don't really seek that much reassurance from him I would say. Not anymore. I have been keeping things to myself mostly, because it does not help to talk to him. I just mentioned the breathing thing and that's it, recently.

My therapist actually asked me the other day about talking to him and she said I should try and I might get a different response than usual. But I just feel like it burdens him, so I tend to do it in extreme situations- like the breathing thing.

@unmummsymummy21 was he supportive in the past? I know I did burden my husband but he got frustrated in the end and told me straight snd we were able to work through, he worked with me and would say if I was reassurance seeking or if I was falling back into bad habits.

You really do need him on your side and he does need to understand how difficult it is to control how you are feeling when you struggle with mental health.

It’s firm to no offload on him but that doesn’t mean you should shut down entirely, you still need his support just as you would support him if he needs it.

@EmpressSuiko the tiger example is very good !

I have read countless books on coping strategies about worrying. Like setting aside worry time, repeating your worst fear over and over and over so the thought loses some of the control it has over you. Another one is, asking yourself if you can do something about the worry right now, for example worrying about an unpaid bill- you can just pay it. But worrying about catching covid ( my fave at the moment )... you can't do much about it except protect yourself etc, so just let it go.

I feel like I have sever levels of ' problems '- normal everyday, where the strategies kind of work but I get down in the dumps a little, but I can focus on a film or a show or something and I can actually enjoy it. This is the state I'm in most of the time

Then I have down phases, like after my baby was born. Which lasted a few weeks and involved a lot of tears. During this phase, the thought strategies don't really work so well, but I can sometimes switch off from the negative thoughts. If something is engaging or I really like a film or something.

Then I have the acute phase. Where it becomes like physical sometimes ( like now ) and I can't really enjoy much and I'm just in hell as I feel starved of oxygen. They don't follow an order. I wasn't in the down phase at all before this one started.

After the acute phase, I have the extreme phase ! This one I've only had once in my life. I could not enjoy anything and it was extremely physical and constant. I spent all day trying to rid myself of my anxious feelings and I was basically anxious about being anxious. Lasted 6 months. I know how I got out of it.

Anyone else have these phases?

I’m no help OP but I could’ve written this myself :-(

I also wanted to add I do have a moody one and I understand how that can affect your own mood, it’s not ever easy to live with someone but it’s important to understand one another and to be able to discuss things opening and honestly so you can both work together on improving areas together you may both be struggling with, not as easy as it sounds though.

@IcedCaramel I'm sorry 😞

You can explain things to him untill you are blue in the face. It's not that he incapable of getting it, but that he simply refusing to understand. He wants things a certain way and he needs your body and your efforts to make that happen, even if it's detrimental to your well-being. To him you are a means to an end.

What I found particularly telling is that most people in your life describe you as a ray of sunshine, except for him. It also seems that you are much happier when you are not around him.

Seems to me that he is the source of much of your anxiety. Therapy would still be helpful, but unless you leave him it will be very hard to get back to your own sunny self. It will probably better for your child too to be away from that constant negativity around him.

I can relate to your stages, obviously we are all different bit anxiety can be crippling. A major issue is people thing we should be able to just get over it but it’s not that simple, the fear is ingrained and it takes a lot of work to reverse that.

I do hope your gp offers you more help or to find something more suitable, I know I still need more therapy, right now I’m not doing so bad but I did hit a low in jan and Feb, it was awful and lack of sleep doesn’t help, it’s easy to end up in one big vicious circle.

You do sound absolutely wonderful and I’m truly sorry you are suffering, depression and anxiety is such a tricky thing to heal from and it require constant effort from our end not to fall back into negative patterns of behaviour.

@EmpressSuiko thank you so much. I'm sorry to also hear about your struggle with it. It's interesting you also understand the stages. I had never really thought about them properly before today. I think I'm ok being in stage one and even stage two is OK. It becomes difficult in the acute stage, as it's a subconscious thing driving the physical thing.

But I do always get through it and that's why I think my husband just goes - ' ah it's OK, you get like this but then you're fine, don't be so dramatic '.

I'm not sure why I need him to acknowledge that my struggle is more than just normal ups and downs ? Why does it matter to me ? Because that's what I wished he said. I wish he just said, honey I'm so sorry you feel like that, it must be really hard. Let me give you a hug and maybe you should try those tablets. I don't like seeing you like this and I think you need proper help.

Thing is if he’s not seeing your full anxiety as you hide it around him - then may be he doesn’t realise how bad it is. My dh has seen it all and desperately wanted me to get help
It’s a vicious circle hiding it but I understand why you do .

Also anyone can look sunshine happy to strangers . No one would ever guess I had issues !

Has he ever supported you or has he always just seen it as ups and downs? Some people don’t realise how complex mental health is and think of it as just feel a little sad or a bit worried, they don’t realise the impact it actually has emotionally and physically, it’s like dragging around a sack of rocks everywhere you go, it’s tiring but no one can see them so they don’t understand why you are feeling that way.
If you can go to face to face therapy it might be good to see if he can attend with you if it’s possible as the therapist can explain it to him.

@EmpressSuiko no he's never seen it as being 'that bad'. Never really acknowledged my struggle and always just says it's normal and part of life and others feel this way and don't take stuff for it / get therapy etc...:

My mum
Suffers from depression and after 20 odd years of it I've had enough . It's exhausting and such a selfish illness . I think it must be very hard living with someone who struggles with everything.. I'm aware it's very hard for you two but just giving you the other side .

I meant anxiety and depression.

I don't really struggle with everything. And I have some experience at living with depressed people. It's definitely a challenge at times.

Well that seems very telling, he certainly sounds like he doesn’t understand how debilitating it can be. Have you mentioned this to your therapist? That he really has no understanding of how bad it can be? Im unsure if she is is able to speak to him herself or to video call you together to discuss things?