To not want to lend baby clothes?

[nervousnelly8]

I have 2 children - DS(2) and DD(3m). Close friend has just had her first baby boy who's 2 weeks old. Friend is very into reusing and buying second hand - has got most stuff for baby from marketplace etc. I bought most of my stuff new (never outrageously expensive but always nice stuff which wears and washed well), with the view to being able to use it for all future children.

Friend has asked to "borrow" DS's baby clothes for her son. She has said it would be wasteful not to be using them since I wouldn't dress DD in them anyway, and she would give them back for any future children.

I said no because:

1. I am using them for DD - I don't subscribe to the view that boys need to be dressed in blue and girls in pink. Most of the stuff is unisex and even the "boy" stuff, I have no issue with DD wearing.

1. I don't feel great about lending baby stuff. If we were done having children, I'd probably pass some stuff on, but we're not sure yet. Particularly with clothes, I think it's hard to ask for stuff back again. My sister is getting married next year and hoping to have children soonish - even if I don't have more, I'd like to give the clothes I have to her.

Friend has now started making passive aggressive comments in our friendship group WhatsApp chat. E.g. "need to go shopping for DS this weekend since nelly is too precious to lend her stuff" always with a winking or tongue out Emoji. I know this is a pathetic problem compared to much of whats happening at the moment, but it's making me feel quite blue!

YABU - you should lend what you don't need since she said she will return it

YANBU - it's your stuff and you can keep hold for future children/sister's children without feeling bad

How rude! I would never ask someone for baby clothes like that. I might ask if they have any they are looking to sell/part with. I would NOT ask to borrow like this.

I also wouldn't want to lend - you don't know what condition they will come back in! I will happily pass things on when I've finished with them, though.

I'd just reply saying "I'm using them for DD" or "We haven't finished with them yet".

You’re using the stuff because as you said, why wouldn’t you?! Friend is being grabby and rude. I think it’s perfectly acceptable for her to have asked if there was anything you had finished with already could she please have first dibs on but there isn’t so she needs to get over it.

Also borrowing baby clothes is sort of pointless- sick stains, weaning stains, the person who borrowed them mixing the whites in with everything else so the whites are now a sad greyish colour... who’d want that stuff back unless it was in the condition that you donated it in?

@Kotatsu

Christ definitely ignore.

Me and my sisters passed stuff around (around being the operative word, we were all having our kids at the same sort of time, and it was just known that there were bags of Xmonth/year clothes that whoever had the right size child had, used what they liked, chucked if it got ruined, added anything they wanted, and passed on to the next person when their child became the right size) it was very convenient, especially when they were babies, and that worked well as we all thought the same.

I'm still smarting that my MIL took some lovely clothes and equipment I'd bought, and gave them to my SIL (who I do like), and that was it, they never came back, I couldn't pass them onto my sister, I have no idea what happened to them, and I was a bit shocked TBH that I was never asked if I wanted them back to pass onto someone else - but that's different family expectations for you I guess.

@Kotatsu

In fairness to your MIL and SIL, if you wanted baby stuff back, you should have said so. Most people pass clothes on and don't expect them to be returned

Baby’s shit all over everything. You wouldn’t get half of it back!!

I am 100% on board with reusing baby clothes. I have been given loads of stuff for my kids and have passed loads of stuff on.

However, I have always turned down offers from people to lend me baby clothes and would never offer to lend to other people.

A parent has no control over whether an piece of clothing gets tomato sauce or vomit on which stains, or gets torn.

Lendig suggests the owner is invested in getting it back and when this cant be guaranteed, it will be massively stressful to both parties.

And your stuff is being passed on. From your DS to your DD!

Cheeky fucker. I'd not lend or give anything to her now due to her rudeness. I'd be wracking my brains as to what pa response I could go back with tho.

YANBU. I’d reply back to those messages telling her not to be a cheapskate.

I will not be lending any baby stuff to anyone. Anything precious will get saved and maybe used again, the rest either charity shop if I can be bothered or bin if not.

Respond to the WhatsApp group with two middle finger emojis with a winky face after.

Respond to the WhatsApp group with two middle finger emojis with a winky face after.

Now THIS, I like. Straightforward and to the point. 😂 @Edel2019

@Edel2019

Respond to the WhatsApp group with two middle finger emojis with a winky face after.

🤣 😂😂

Total CF. Ask her if you can use her mixer/ nest of tables / anything else random if she’s not currently using it this second.
You could also send her a few links to eBay / local charity shops.
What a piss taker! I don’t think she’d be a great loss to be honest. Sounds like a grabby user.

She's a rude one isnt she!
I have a 'friend' like this. She wonders why I hardly ever want to spend time with her these days.
I agree with a PP that she's showing herself up in front of the others. I wouldn't bother engaging with it personally. She sounds like the type who would enjoy getting a rise out of you.
She is horrible for making you feeling like you need to justify this.

YANBU “lending” baby clothes frequently ends in disaster, there’s been loads of threads on here over the years from both lenders and borrowers where it’s gone wrong. Too hard to keep baby stuff looking as good as new, lose track of what was borrowed from who, misunderstandings over whether it was given or loaned, etc

Only “lend” stuff you don’t want back, and only if you actually want to give it to that person.

YANBU to want to keep things for DD and any potential future children you may have, she’s been a CF to ask to borrow stuff anyway.

You either wouldn’t get them back or likely they wouldn’t be in such nice condition. Sod her, she is being a dick

@nervousnelly8 I hope you've pointed out that it's not precious to continue to use something you've paid for! It is, however, precious to expect free stuff from someone and hound them with a rude sense of entitlement.

Also, why would her awful behaviour warrant any favours?

What a dick.

I also hope some friends have chirped up, I know I would if I saw this comment!

I'm someone who told my husband two things in no uncertain terms:

1. if any family or friends offered to lend us anything for our baby, it would be a flat out no unless they had finished completely with it as we couldn't guarantee it's return or state.

2. if anyone asks for our baby stuff once we've used it, it is again a no unless we have completely finished with having children.

Not looking forward to being asked, but I do think all our siblings are the type to get their own stuff (fingers crossed) and we weren't offered anything second hand from extended family, just new items bought from our parents!

I don't understand this business of lending out baby clothes! They will never arrive back to you in a good condition for you to resuse. Its different if you are giving them away permanently.

Your friend sounds like an entitled dick. Don't you worry you can do whatever you want with those clothes

She can buy her own stuff!

Sounds like she relied on you passing down your clothes when she decided to have a baby.

Wow she is extremely rude! I'm also into reusing/buying second hand stuff but would never dream of asking if I could have /borrow someone's. There is plenty to buy from ebay and charity shops so she should not make you feel guilty.

I gave all our baby clothes to an organisation that needed them - women’s refuge where staff were delighted to get them as two mums with babies had just arrived. Took nursery bedding, stair gates etc as well. There is no way I was giving it to folks who can easily afford their own and are getting lots of gifts from family and friends when others really need the stuff.

just write in the WhatsApp group that "twattyfriend hasn't understood the concept of 'no' yet" and post a link to the Tea Consent video

This thread bought back many memories of me fending off requests for my daughter's clothes from a friend with a daughter that was in the same size clothes so most would no longer fit when we were finished with them.

She kept telling me that she'd 'have that' when I was finished with it and checking out the labels whilst my daughter was wearing them. I did pass on some of the excess clothing we'd been given but had to be very firm and tell her to stop.

At the same time we have a relative with an older child who also takes the same clothing size as my daughter. We keep getting bags of her crap that mostly doesn't fit or is hideous. Luckily I get a local charity to come and collect every few months although this last year they've not collected so I have about twenty bags at my home, filling my cupboards.

It is great for the charity and my relative would just bin it otherwise but my cupboards are full.

You should totally reply Not on your Nelly
She obvs wouldn't get the joke, but it would still be funny.