To not want to lend baby clothes?

[nervousnelly8]

I have 2 children - DS(2) and DD(3m). Close friend has just had her first baby boy who's 2 weeks old. Friend is very into reusing and buying second hand - has got most stuff for baby from marketplace etc. I bought most of my stuff new (never outrageously expensive but always nice stuff which wears and washed well), with the view to being able to use it for all future children.

Friend has asked to "borrow" DS's baby clothes for her son. She has said it would be wasteful not to be using them since I wouldn't dress DD in them anyway, and she would give them back for any future children.

I said no because:

1. I am using them for DD - I don't subscribe to the view that boys need to be dressed in blue and girls in pink. Most of the stuff is unisex and even the "boy" stuff, I have no issue with DD wearing.

1. I don't feel great about lending baby stuff. If we were done having children, I'd probably pass some stuff on, but we're not sure yet. Particularly with clothes, I think it's hard to ask for stuff back again. My sister is getting married next year and hoping to have children soonish - even if I don't have more, I'd like to give the clothes I have to her.

Friend has now started making passive aggressive comments in our friendship group WhatsApp chat. E.g. "need to go shopping for DS this weekend since nelly is too precious to lend her stuff" always with a winking or tongue out Emoji. I know this is a pathetic problem compared to much of whats happening at the moment, but it's making me feel quite blue!

YABU - you should lend what you don't need since she said she will return it

YANBU - it's your stuff and you can keep hold for future children/sister's children without feeling bad

Just say 'We're still using the clothes we have and have nothing to spare' No need to apologise or give any more reason. I understand where she's coming from with regards to reusing clothes but not the clothes your child fits into!

"I'd rather be precious than a cheapskate. Not sure what you expect DD to be wearing while you take her clothes?"

She is being really rude. It was cheeky to ask in the first place, if someone is willing to lend something they would probably offer off their own bat. You might have had other plans for them like giving them to your sibling or selling them?

I’m not lending any of my baby stuff as it’s all going into a family baby bank (my sisters are both having babies in the next few years). If it’s not too late maybe you could say that..... or just ignore the CF.

Or just ask the question straight: "But X, what do you expect us to dress DD in if we give you her clothes?"

Yanbu! I always lend baby clothes to friends even though I'm not done having babies yet but that my personal choice and your way is just as valid. Also I've never had anyone ask and do think that's quite rude. If someone doesn't offer then that's that imo.

i.e., emphasising that they are very much your DD's clothes, not just some spare clobber you are unwilling to part with. All she can reply is that she expects you to buy new pink stuff.

I'd ask her why she's still bleating on about it and say most people don't ask for things they wait until its offered dontcha know

"But X, what do you expect us to dress DD in if we give you her clothes?"

This is the one, excellent reply, PA right back at you CF

Obviously you are not being unreasonable.

She is, to even ask.
She's a CF.

Someone might offer, but to ask is really crass.

For me, her posting PA messages would mean I would avoid her like the plague and if I read posts like that in a group WhatsAp, her card would be marked.

She's the definition of tacky.

Don't allow it to upset you, she's making a cheap show of herself.

@blahfuckingblah

Or just ask the question straight: "But X, what do you expect us to dress DD in if we give you her clothes?"

She'd probably say that she doesn't want your daughter's clothes but your son's & your daughter doesn't need her own & his as well!

It's your stuff. It doesn't matter why it isn't available to get, it just isn't available.

"need to go shopping for DS this weekend since nelly is too precious to lend her stuff" always with a winking or tongue out Emoji.
This is really very rude. It's a classic for quoting (swipe right) and say "Did you mean to be so rude?" Or leave the WhatsApp and set up your own, if the others want to keep in touch then they will.

I don’t lend baby clothes. When I’m done I pass them along for free. Until then they’re mine.

Call it out every time.

‘That’s a nice passive aggressive comment - shall I peel them off DD to save you a trip to Tesco?’

‘Call me all the names you like - that will definitely make me change my mind’

Or just tell her to fuck off.

I'm big into using second hand clothes for my kids, however lending is a BAD idea. I have bitter experience of this, ds1 had some lovely clothes that I lent to dsis, all the nice bits were trashed. She returned everything for my ds2 and I was really gutted. When finished with children's clothing I give all the good bits away, but I'll never lend again!

Next time she puts one of her ridiculous PA comments on say 'why would I give them away when I'm using them myself? Stop being such a tight arse and by your baby's clothes yourself' followed by one of her pathetic wanky winky faces.

Since that’s her attitude you know you’re right not to lend her a thing. The very idea that she’s entitled to things you own because you bought them in preposterous.

Have any of the other friends commented?

diddl I got the impression from the OP that the DD is being clothed in her brother's old clothes and doesn't have anything separate.

She says:

I am using them for DD - I don't subscribe to the view that boys need to be dressed in blue and girls in pink. Most of the stuff is unisex and even the "boy" stuff, I have no issue with DD wearing.

CF's kid is only 1 month younger than OP's DD, so there's really not going to be a time when the DD's outgrown clothes are going to be much use for CF's DS.

Easy answer on those social media posts is "Nelly has another baby now so the clothes are no longer available to lend to anyone at the moment" (smiley face, wink, googly eyes with tongue hanging out emoji), but as soon as they are outgrown and not needed any more I will be giving them away xx.

I like giving my DC's baby clothes to friends. Just a few items here and there. But only because I most likely won't use them again.

I don't think lending / borrowing really works. You either give them or you don't.

I'd respond with something like " fair play to you not wanting to buy clothes yourself, but I did and so I would prefer to keep them nice for possible future babies in my own family. I don't think you need to make this in to an awkward situation."

I gave all my oldest daughters clothes away, most brand new or designer, thinking I wouldn't have anymore, 5 years later had to buy everything second hand as had no money. There's a lesson there.

Voted yabu by mistake! Meant yanbu! Your stuff your choice. If she wants to reuse and recycle there are ALWAYS bundles being offered on marketplace etc and she was a cf to even ask in the first place

@TankGirl97

I'm big into using second hand clothes for my kids, however lending is a BAD idea. I have bitter experience of this, ds1 had some lovely clothes that I lent to dsis, all the nice bits were trashed. She returned everything for my ds2 and I was really gutted. When finished with children's clothing I give all the good bits away, but I'll never lend again!

I agree it's a bad idea - but my reasoning is we never got them back.

I was under family guilt pressure so despite us saying we would be having another gave in and lent somthings-never got them back.

When I was pg with our last about year later came out they'd be sold on and everyone agreed we wouldn't be having more depite us always being clear we did . I don't think they got much for them - and the family member who used and sold may have been unwear of the duress I under to lend.

Still with later children people don't buy you as many presents as they expect you to have everything and money was really tight for us - so I really felt their loss.

When we were done I did pass everything in decent nick on to others.

Wow she sounds horrid. I'm into reusing and second hand too, but I can't just decide to do it with other people's stuff. Also with the best will in the world to look after them, much of my DS's stuff was only suitable for at home wear after he was done, babies ruin clothes! No way would I lend anything I planned to use for another child, there's no way to ensure they aren't stained or damaged without being far more careful than I'd be willing to be when already dealing with the demands of a little baby! I can't imagine why she'd want the stress of looking after other people's stuff tbh.

She really doesn't sound very nice OP. It's so undignified to go begging for other people's things and then fuss about it on social media when refused. Didn't anyone ever teach her to wait till she's offered?

"Friend has now started making passive aggressive comments in our friendship group WhatsApp chat. E.g. "need to go shopping for DS this weekend since nelly is too precious to lend her stuff" always with a winking or tongue out Emoji."

What a twat.
Have any of the other people in the group responded to those messages of hers?
I think you should definitely not respond in the group chat, a dignified silence is best.
And step back from the friendship tbh.
I voted YANBU obviously!

@NovemberR

I'd just write Wow. So rude...wonder why I'm not falling over backwards to give you stuff?.

Yep. She'd no longer be a 'friend', either. Fuck her.

I would tell her I've decided to cut all the clothes up to use them as cleaning rags and that I'll be burning all the other outgrown baby gear in a bonfire in my back garden just because it's my stuff and I can do what I like with it.

Honestly, some people. It's fine to put the word out among your friends that you're in the market for anything they want to get rid of. And that's it. Anything more specific than that is grasping and pathetic. It's not like you can't get bin bags full of baby clothes off of FB marketplace for a steal. She just wants YOUR stuff specifically because it's nice and she fancies it.